27 September 2021 Early Riser

Hello! How are you? I’m sitting out in the morning sun and it feels good. This morning has been a bit of mental gymnastics.

Morning anxiety

I am having trouble writing today. Thankfully there is the morning sun and it feels good against my skin. Some days I feel so out of sorts ! It seems to come out of nowhere and all I can do is ride through it . Is it this?! Is it that?! Walk around the block a couple of times. Eat an extra meal ! I’ll figure it out !!

21 September 2021 Mantra

Hello! How are you today? I hope you are doing well . I am trying to stay in the present moment and stay positive. It’s a beautiful fall morning .

This morning I could feel some anxiety creeping in. I mentally asked for help in relieving it and the answer was “say the mantra.” The only thing I had memorized was the Lords Prayer and Hail Mary so I started saying those over and over. By doing that my anxiety thoughts and feelings were interrupted . When I would stop, the anxiety “stuff” would return.

Doodles
Last nights chalking

So then it was time to get up and go for a walk and I was still feeling the anxiety. I decided to just think like a cheerleader! “Let’s do this! “ “We got this!” Anything to relieve the discomfort that anxiety makes me feel! Mornings are rough for me . That tactic worked for a little while!

I have never been good about meditating . I have a monkey mind or “wild mind.” It just goes all over the place! So it was interesting that the help suggested became a combination of Buddhism and Christianity!

Do you have a mantra or prayer that you say that helps you when you are having anxiety ? What helps you quiet things down ?

7 September 2021 Futile Tasks

Hello there! How are you as you meet me here this morning ? I hope you are well . I am doing ok. I’m writing a little bit earlier than I normally do. It gives me a purpose to write so who cares what time I do it right ?!

This morning I walked by my dirty car again and I got that feeling like I should try and wash it . I also got the feeling “what’s the point of washing it? It’s just going to get dirty right away!” My car is an outside car meaning I don’t have a garage. We are surrounded by the fires that have been going on this summer so the air is always filled with ash. This ash ends up on the car everyday. It feels like washing the car is one of those futile tasks like cleaning house! The thing is if you don’t clean it once in awhile it seems like you don’t care to take care of it.

I used to have cleaning as my OCD. If I got stressed or anxious I would start cleaning because it always needed to be done ! Living with dogs changed that for me and helped me see the futility of trying to keep a house perfectly clean all the time. So now I see life as a series of futile tasks! A bunch of things we do that almost as soon as you do them you have to do it again. There has to be more to life than that !

Lately I have been struggling to muster enough energy to do these futile tasks. Where did that energy to take care of things like I used to go ? Is it me getting older? Is it me living alone? Is it me turning into a lazy person? Is it apathy or depression? When you are depressed a lot of time you just don’t want to do anything. I will have to pray on this!

5 August 2021 Pain

Hello to you, how are you today? Is it hot where you are ? As I write it’s a nice 79 degrees. I managed to get Link around once and a lap for me . I may go again later but I’m trying not to overdue it. I have been having some pain in my knees and upper thighs .

I hate that I’m getting older and my limbs get stiff and sore . Oh for the days when I felt invincible lol! Oh for the days when I could lose weight easily and keep it off! The thing is I don’t want to be young again – just pain free! I don’t want to have to go through all that schooling again!

Colors of today

1 September 2020 Changing how you think

Hello there, how are you?  It’s a new day and another day of getting through this life differently than I did before.  This, for me, oftentimes means changing how I think.  Instead of awfulizing things, I am having to look at things in a more positive light.

What do I want to feel?  What do I want to think?  What would make me happy to think about?   Sometimes it feels almost like a reflex to think negatively and when I do,  I break out into a cold sweat and get a chill through my whole body.  I am taking anti-anxiety medications but they don’t always help me.

I don’t want to forget the past, but when I remember it, I want to be able to reflect on it without cold sweats.  I want to be able to listen to music, watch television and or movies without such a visceral reaction and connection to the past.  The past twelve plus  had some of the happiest and saddest memories of my life .  I don’t want to act like they just didn’t happen. I also don’t want them to paralyze me either ! There has to be a way to coexist with the past and present memories so I have a future.  The only way I see to do that is to change how I think.

Let’s see what it looks like in the numbers:

changing how you think” in the English Ordinal system equals 232 (light and shadow self yes, no, may be, light and shadow self process)

two three two” in the English Ordinal system equals 172 (one all vices in check light and shadow self process – 72 also =world and money)

one seven two” in the English Ordinal system equals 157  (one all senses all vices in check 57 = human)

one five seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (one left side of the brain one process 41 =  garbage)

one four one ” in the English Ordinal system equals 128 (one light and shadow of self eternity and or racetrack existence 28=man)

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 *pattern with 141 and 128

 

 

19 May 2020 Moment to Moment

Hello to you.  How are you doing today?  I’m doing better now that Link and I had our walk and then I made myself some breakfast!  I know, simple, normal things but it’s those little things that help me move forward.  The past couple of days have been a moment to moment kind of thing.  I will be feeling ok and then if I’m not careful I will start ruminating on things from the past or memories and just get all anxious inside.

I am realizing that I have always been this person my husband has left me alone with.  The difference before was I had work, running, playing video games or something else to help get rid of it.  So this time alone is definitely getting me reacquainted with a self I used to be and realizing what used to work isn’t going to work this time!

As I’ve said before, I do believe God has a plan for me and I’m pretty sure what I’m going through is part of it.   Some times only tough love gets what needs to be done accomplished.

From the people I’ve been talking to lately, a lot of anxiety going around so I’m definitely not alone.  We all just have something different we are going through, but we are definitely not alone.  With all this social distancing I find myself missing hugs and kisses a lot.  I’ve been sending and receiving a lot of virtual hugs lol – just not quite the same as real ones!

Anyhew – hope this finds you well and loved.

hugs and kisses” in the English Ordinal system equals 156/128/141/128……….

18 May 2020 Reaching out

Hello to you.  It’s Monday again and I made it through the night.  Sleeping through the night is rough right now even with an  aide.  I’ll wake up in the night and anxiety provoking thoughts float flitter in.  A lot of them center around my husband.  Our family and friends have really been helping during the day but they can’t help me through the night.  Link is my cuddle buddy but he can do only so much!

Lately I’ve been doing a lot of reaching out a lot more.  I find even a couple texts back and forth help me.  I have been feeling almost paralyzed in my body lately.  I am having to force myself to do things that used to seem so effortless before.  Things I used to like to do are more difficult right now.  Just watching the wrong thing on tv can provoke swells of anxiety in me.

Writing here has been helping me process what is going on inside and keep my family and friends up to date on how I’m doing.

For me, right now, it’s one moment at a time and to continue to reach out.  I don’t ever want what has happened the past couple of years to happen again.

I am having to remind myself a lot to stay in the present moment.  My inner voice, that sounds a lot like my husbands voice, saying, “Jackie, stay here.  Stay in the now.  You can’t change what has already happened.  You can only go forward and be better.”

Thank you as always for stopping by and walking with me on this journey.

16 May 2020 Making it another day

Hello to you.  How are you doing today? I’m finding myself in a better place this morning.  I feel grateful to be making it to another day in the circumstances I find myself in.   I am trying to remain grateful.

Last night I had another battle with anxiety.  What happens is I start thinking too far ahead or ruminating on all the uncertainties in front of me and things I can’t control.  Then I start to get that extremely uncomfortable anxious feeling in my gut.   Relief has come from physical exertion and doing normal things.  I am having to relearn what normal things are for myself right now.  I find there are a lot of things I used to do that I just can’t bring myself to do right now.

I really feel like  I am really having a test in my life right now with the concept of mindfulness.  That concept of staying in the present moment.

I am having to ask myself internally a lot, “what can you do about it and if the answer is nothing right now why are you dwelling on it?”  Something my husband used to do for me and now I’m having to do for myself is to remind myself that worrying about things doesn’t do any good.  It’s usually easier said than done he’s right.

The pandemic is still here in Texas but they have really started to lift restrictions so places can open back up.  I went to get groceries yesterday at our local Brookshire’s and some of the shelves were cleared out!  One of the biggest areas that was cleared was the aisle with cleaning supplies – nothing but concentrated Clorox for example.  I can tell they are having trouble keeping some things stocked up right now.  I’m just grateful to be able to get the basics right now.

Well I hope however this blog finds you that you are well.  Everybody is telling me that I’m strong and that I will get through all that’s going on.  I’m just learning to take a few steps at a time and having a lot of faith.