Hello! How are you? I’m sitting out in the morning sun and it feels good. This morning has been a bit of mental gymnastics.
I am having trouble writing today. Thankfully there is the morning sun and it feels good against my skin. Some days I feel so out of sorts ! It seems to come out of nowhere and all I can do is ride through it . Is it this?! Is it that?! Walk around the block a couple of times. Eat an extra meal ! I’ll figure it out !!
Hello to you! How are you today? I’m doing alright . I had this blog all finished a few minutes ago but I decided to discard it. I don’t know why I guess it just wasn’t what I wanted to post!
I wanted to talk about a feeling I got last night . For the first time in a long time I felt peace and contentment . I went to sleep and woke up with that feeling and it was so awesome . No emotional or physical pain! True peace . I wonder if it was spending time with my friend yesterday . We went to Red Robin for burgers and had a really nice visit. I got lots of hugs !
Oh to still the churning waters of my soul, to calm the anxiety stained winds that always seem to blow. A simple gesture of the warm embrace, to stop time and put a smile on my face. A remedy as old as can be, someone lovingly holding on to me .
I don’t know if there is a perfect formula for peace. If there was we would have a whole lot fewer doctors and pill bottles . I know part of my peace comes from God through other people . A simple thing like a hug means so much to me . I think there is a lot of power having two hearts close together .
Hello to you, how are you ? I hope this finds you well. Today I had to exercise my staying positive muscles . I believe that what you focus on gains power. So I have been trying to make a conscious effort to focus on the good in my life versus where my life is lacking . I am applying this train of thought in what I think, speak and write.
Let’s see what staying positive is in the numbers:
Staying positive in the English ordinal system is 210 -light and shadow process for one against the unknown
Hello to you in your wherever and whenever as you visit me here. How are you? I hope you are well. Something that came to mind today was asking myself if it’s okay to be happy. I have been having a lot of thoughts lately with the upcoming holiday seasons. I have been thinking about October with Halloween .
My husband and I used to decorate for the holidays and celebrate Halloween. We had a Steampunk theme started and zombie flamingos chasing a lone pink flamingo….we did stuff. I don’t know if it’s ok to celebrate Halloween and if I do how will I without my husband. Knowing my Aunt Ruth we will celebrate Halloween. I just feel funny inside about it and wonder inside if it’s ok to be happy celebrating the holidays in a new way. I feel an ache inside thinking about it and am trying to address this now to help me prepare myself.
There is going to be a lot more family around than I’m used to. I will have to let God a little on this and trust that whatever happens will be ok.
“Is it ok to be happy” in the English Ordinal system equals 191 (one “no” one)
“spirit” in the English Ordinal system equals 91 (“no” one)
“Halloween” in the English Ordinal system equals 95 (“no” all of the senses)
“Thanksgiving” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (one left side of brain one)
“Christmas” in the English Ordinal system equals 110 (one one person place or object)
Hello how are you? As I write this morning I look outside and the sky is gray. You might think it was going to rain but it’s just ash from the nearby fires. It leaves a light dusting on everything and they even up the air quality alert to red; unhealthy!
I wasn’t sure what to write about today but I wanted to write. This week has been pretty productive the house sale is done which was another big milestone. Now comes trying to find a new place to live and it’s not looking like it will be easy. There is a boom in the housing market in this area (from what I hear it’s everywhere) . I am considered low income so I might qualify for low income housing but there is a long waiting list. I am blessed to have family familiar with real estate and they are helping me navigate this next part of my journey. Now isn’t a buyers market at least if you are someone like me.
I don’t know if it’s the weather right now or what but I feel heavy and anxious. Hopefully the skies will clear and I will be able to get back outside some. We have been praying for the firefighters.
“ashen skies” in the English Ordinal system equals 110 (one one person, place or object 110=purpose)
“housing boom” in the English Ordinal system equals 138 (one yes, no, may be in eternity and or racetrack of life, 38=balance, death) if you add 1+3+8 = 12/3 cycle
Hello to you, how are you doing? I hope from whenever and wherever you are you are having a good today,
I had a couple of interesting dreams last night. One of them was of seeing Princess Diana in a wedding veil and telling her she could stay, whatever that meant. The other dream had to do with former President Ronald Reagan and getting car keys from him but instead of getting a car there were beds with numbers on them.
Today is my cousins’ sons wedding and we are having an orange level air quality day. I hope it clears up for them. The sky is gray, like clouds are in the sky, but it smells like burning! I made my final decision about whether I was going to the wedding or not and I have decided not to go. I just want the day to be about them and their happiness. I can’t stop thinking about my own stuff and how I feel about it. In my minds eye, I keep seeing myself in black dress looking like I did when I married my ex but alone. I miss my ex-husband very much and am having trouble moving on without him. When I think about things I feel like I am being pulled apart !
“today” in the English Ordinal system equals 65 (all vices in check but one for all the 5 senses)
(“white” in the English Ordinal system equals 65)
“one two September two zero two zero ” in the English Ordinal system equals 439 (left side of brain yes, no, may be, no existence” and ironically my name 39 is in here)
these values above made me think of yin and yang :
Yin and Yang
In Ancient Chinese philosophy, yin and yang (/jɪn/ and; Chinese: 陰陽 yīnyáng, lit. “dark-bright”, “negative-positive”) is a concept of dualism, describing how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another. In Chinese cosmology, the universe creates itself out of a primary chaos of material energy, organized into the cycles of Yin and Yang and formed into objects and lives. Yin is the receptive and Yang the active principle, seen in all forms of change and difference such as the annual cycle (winter and summer), the landscape (north-facing shade and south-facing brightness), sexual coupling (female and male), the formation of both women and men as characters and sociopolitical history (disorder and order).
Hello to you, how are you doing? I am having another day without having a Coca Cola as part of my routine and I can tell. Is this why I’m having another day of feeling “off?” I have to be my own personal Sherlock Holmes it seems when trying to figure out why one day isn’t like another. Why one day I will feel like I can handle just about anything and others where a leaf landing on my head could tip me over!
I’ve been talking with people who are like me. A lot of what we do is this super-sleuthing, digging through what can be construed as a shit pile of a life for core reasons for what is happening. I can’t dig too much and or ruminate without becoming practically paralyzed by what surfaces. For example our family is about to experience a wedding and I have decided not to go because I know it’s a trigger.
This upcoming wedding triggers thoughts of my own wedding and I keep seeing flashes of our wedding pictures in my minds-eye. I keep seeing my ex and how handsome and sweet he was…how happy we were. I know that my wedding and the subsequent failure of our marriage is at the core of why I’m having trouble with my cousins’ son getting married. A pessimistic self has emerged that asks questions like why even bother with marriage.
So what I have excavated is a trigger to my core and I don’t want it to ruin me or taint anyone around me.
“trigger” in the English Ordinal system equals 84 (ironically my ex was born in 1984)
“core” in the English Ordinal system equals 41
“money” in the English Ordinal system equals 72
“world” in the English Ordinal system equals 72
“marriage” in the English Ordinal system equals 72
“ruminating” in the English Ordinal system equals 126
sleep” in the English Ordinal system equals 57
“caffeine” in the English Ordinal system equals 49
“sugar” in the English Ordinal system equals 66
I have found ruminating too much to be hazardous. So when there is “too many mind” I try to think of something else. Problem is if you don’t consciously direct where your thoughts go, the mind will choose a path of it’s own. Where your thoughts go there goes the body too (something I learned from Joyce Meyers a long time ago).
Some of the medication I take is to help alleviate anxiety and ironically it makes me sleepy. This leaves my mind free to torment me with flashbacks like my wedding and songs that evoke a negative physical reaction. My cousins son is getting married in a few days and what I’m going through makes it difficult to be happy for them. I keep having to remind my mind that the wedding isn’t about me it’s about them. My feelings are so strong I have decided not to attend the wedding. I am afraid I would want to get up and leave during the middle of the ceremony.
I am sincerely hoping and praying at some point I will be able to be comfortable in my own skin again. I want to be able to remember the good stuff about my life without it being run over by the sad.
Hello there how are you? Hopefully good as you visit me here. Thank you in advance for taking the time to come by and read. I am settling down after a nice walk and talk with my therapist .
So the topic that came to mind today was thinking about what I used to do that made me happy and or occupied my time. There were a whole bunch of things like doing chalk drawings outside, writing, drawing and making copper wire jewelry and or wire trees. Sometimes there was crocheting and or knitting. Sometimes there was singing and dancing. Sometimes there was watching videos on Youtube and or binge watching shows on Netflix. Only a handful of these activities have felt remotely “right” to do in this new life I am living in. A lot of the reason I have stopped doing things is for fear they would trigger another manic episode.
My counselor and I talked today and one of the subjects we touched on was mindfulness. I told her I often struggle with being able to stay in the moment. She gave an example of the difference. It was being on a walk and seeing a tree and being able to describe the tree with specific details instead of just saying “there is a tree.”
I miss my trees back in Alvarado. I haven’t really gotten to know the tree here in the same way I did there. I wish I had taken some seeds from the oak tree, Yolie, in the front yard,
“mindfulness” in the English Ordinal system equals 136 (one yes, no may be all vices in check but one 36= child)
“one three six” in the English Ordinal system equals 142 (one left side brain light and shadow self process 42=self)
“one four two ” in the English Ordinal system equals 152 (one all senses light and shadow self process)
one five two” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes no may be right side of the brain 134=information)
“one three four” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all senses person place and or object 150=communication )
“one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 (one left side of the brain person, place and or object 40=food)
“one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 (one all senses in eternity and or race track of life)
“one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one light and shadow process of self all senses)
“one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (pattern repeats)
Do you ever feel like having a good memory is both a blessing and a curse? Right now I am feeling like it is a curse of sorts. I want to move forward with my life but memories keep popping up that drag me backwards. When I get dragged backwards it’s a very visceral experience and a lot of times I feel it on a physical level. This is ironic because for so long I was lending my support to a program called Music and Memory! As of right now, I am unable to listen to much music now! So many songs I liked to listen to are connected to memories of the past 12+ years.
Is this why people smoke, drink and or do illegal drugs?!!!!
So I am going to ask a question in the numbers and see what comes out:
“Is having a good memory a blessing or a curse?” in the English Ordinal system equals 408 (left side of the brain, with people, place and or object in between in eternity and or the race track of life existence. Could the object be the brain or the memory?)
“four zero eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 173 (one all vices in check yes, no, may be existence)
“one seven three” in the English Ordinal system equals 155 (one all of the senses for light and shadow self)
“one five five” in the English Ordinal system equals 118 (one and one separated in eternity and or the racetrack of life existence)
“one one eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 117 (one and one separated all vices in check)
one one seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (one yes, no may be for the light and shadow self)
“one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one left side of brain all vices in check but one 46=Body)
“curse” in the English Ordinal system equals 66 (all vices in check but one both light and shadow of self)
“blessing” in the English Ordinal system equals 87 (eternity all vices in check)
“memory” in the English Ordinal system equals 89 (eternity and “nein” and or no existence)
“music” in the English Ordinal system equals 65 (all vices in check but one with all the senses)