Good morning and hello to you wherever and whenever you are, Its a new day and I am finding myself wondering what to do with it! So I decided to write a bit. The topic that came to mind is about how hard it is to practice what you tell other people to do – to put into practice what you preach.
For so many years I was in a happy space and everything was relatively easy and it was from that frame of mind that I did this blog. When I had my husbands support I felt like I could do anything. Now I am on my own and I feel a lot differently. I feel like the foundation to me has been removed and I am on a shifting surface. So I am having to figure out how to support myself and it’s hard.
I have a dear friend who has been trying to help me be my own “safe person.” For several months now she has been that person for me but she had to go back to work She described herself as training wheels for me. What’s funny is I was never the person that my family has been getting to know. They didn’t know the confident, strong, self-reliant me at least not in person. I used to be able to do a lot without having my hands held and now that is all changed. Now everything seems to be a big deal!
Staying in the present moment is particularly difficult with my mind that keeps wanting to drag me back to the past. At age 52 I have a lot of past to sift through for every moment of the day. As if late, I keep going back to Alvarado and the house and I have to let that go soon!
I used to be the one to dispense all kinds of advice and pep talks and now I am on the receiving end of it and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn’t, it just makes it worse. For someone to talk to me, it’s like they have to walk through a field of landmines of conversations that will blow up and provoke anxiety.
“Practice what you preach” in the English Ordinal system equals 239 (Jackie is in this=39)
“two three nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 156
one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128
“one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141
What I am finding too is that since all this has happened everything makes me so sensitive. This includes food and drink. I have been off coffee and tea for several months now because of the jitters I get from my blood sugar changing. I am having to learn how to eat and drink again.
Bottom line to all of this I’ve written is I am having learn how to live again because the life I had is gone. I have to believe God has a plan for me just not sure what it is yet.
Hello to you. How are you this morning? Well Link and I have had our walk and I forced myself to eat some breakfast sitting at the table. I have been having trouble sitting still for meals since I got home from the hospital. Just another anxiety provoking thing I’m working through. Last night before bed I was having to keep my mind from teleporting all over the place, “stay with Link” and “stay here Jackie” are phrases I’m having to use a lot. So many parts of my life provoke a teleport of my mind and heart to another time.
Speaking of another time….my stuff is a big time trigger right now.
With things going the way they are, I am going to be moving. We are having discussions with what is the best way to transport my stuff from here to Idaho. I think we have narrowed it down to a Uhaul truck. The quote for the POD was $3800 with almost $300 for rent a month. A lot of the deliberation about this has been whether or not all the stuff I’ve decided to keep will fit in one device or another and not cost us a fortune! I’ve already gotten rid of so much and there is still a couple things left. I hate the thought of putting our King size bed at the curb!
This morning I was thinking about the movies my husband and I had collected and my journals. He is going to try and sell most of the movies. The journals I think are going to be transported one more time but there is a part of me that is almost ready to let them go. I have no intention of going back through them and I don’t expect anybody else is going to want to either. Unlike movies though, you can’t just go get another copy of a journal. With movies you can also find another way to watch and or acquire another copy. We’ll see what happens! I have some more time to think about it.
Anyhew that’s where we are at in our process right now. I’m trying to stay in the present moment. I am trying to remain grateful for what and who I have.
Hello to you. It’s Monday again and I made it through the night. Sleeping through the night is rough right now even with an aide. I’ll wake up in the night and anxiety provoking thoughts float flitter in. A lot of them center around my husband. Our family and friends have really been helping during the day but they can’t help me through the night. Link is my cuddle buddy but he can do only so much!
Lately I’ve been doing a lot of reaching out a lot more. I find even a couple texts back and forth help me. I have been feeling almost paralyzed in my body lately. I am having to force myself to do things that used to seem so effortless before. Things I used to like to do are more difficult right now. Just watching the wrong thing on tv can provoke swells of anxiety in me.
Writing here has been helping me process what is going on inside and keep my family and friends up to date on how I’m doing.
For me, right now, it’s one moment at a time and to continue to reach out. I don’t ever want what has happened the past couple of years to happen again.
I am having to remind myself a lot to stay in the present moment. My inner voice, that sounds a lot like my husbands voice, saying, “Jackie, stay here. Stay in the now. You can’t change what has already happened. You can only go forward and be better.”
Thank you as always for stopping by and walking with me on this journey.