10 August 2020 Going to the Pool

Hello to you wherever and whenever you are.  It’s evening here and I just wanted to take a moment to write.  How was your day?  Well my day was about pushing through another few feet through the twelve year mountain in front of me.  Kyle and I were married twelve years and that is a lot of time and memories to push through anytime I get ready to do something.

The way my mind works is through associations.  For example today my cousin invited my Aunt, Uncle and I to their place to enjoy the benefits of their golf club membership.  It should have been no big deal to just say yes but it was.  My cousins daughter is dating a young man named Kyle!  So with that name is the association of my Kyle and how we used to go over and use his parents pool quite a bit during the hot Texas summers.  I miss seeing his beautiful hair in the sunlight.

Anyways, today I was getting hot flashes of anxiety just thinking about going.   Then my Aunt and I talked about it and decided to go.  Well I’m glad I did even if it was difficult at times.  I got to meet the other Kyle and he’s nothing like mine was. We ended up having a nice time even if  there was some sensory overload.  Like I told my cousin, being there with them like that was something I hadn’t done in a really long time.

Kyle and I were experts at talking ourselves out of doing things. If he and I were still together, I don’t know if I would have gone over there.  In Texas, everything we could do involved us having to drive a long ways and spend money once we got there.  Kyle was more about buying a video game and staying home then going out to do things.  I enabled his social anxiety and he enabled me in his ways.  We lived a pretty isolated life the last few years.  I don’t know if it was he was embarrassed of me or if he had social anxiety too.

I guess I will never know because we never got real closure on our divorce like I wanted.  Truth is it wouldn’t of mattered what he said or we said it wouldn’t have been enough.  I didn’t want the divorce and still have feelings for him that I’m working through.  I do a lot of crying.   Like I said, twelve years of a mutual life is a lot to get through.  But I know God has a plan and gradually it is being revealed.  I just have to keep as my friend says, feeling the fear but going forward anyways.

Going to the Pool” in the English Ordinal system equals 178 (for one, all vices in check on the racetrack of life)

 

6 August 2020 Resistance

Hello to you.  How are you?  I hope you are well.  The word that came up today is resistance.  I have been resisting some things because a part of me doesn’t want to believe this is my life now the way that it is.

resistance” in the English Ordinal system equals 113 and look at that it’s a 13 in there!  I was born on 13 February!

The biggest thing I have been resisting is the fact, and it is a fact, that I am a not a guest here in Idaho and I’m not going back to Texas.  It’s simply my reality now.  My stuff is in a storage unit here and the rest of my belongings to include Link are with me here in Idaho.   I’m not going back. I really can’t go back.  Once the house is sold that’s it for me and Texas.  There are so many memories to overlay with new memories.

I can tell when I am resisting because I get hot flashes and also feel like I am being split into two parts.  I don’t want to keep feeling this way so I have redirect my thoughts to the present moment.

Does any of this resonate with someone else?  I hope that some or all of what I’m sharing helps someone else as much as it helps me to write about it.

5 August 2020 Surreality

Hello and good morning to you wherever and whenever you visiting me here.  How are you?  I am kind of in a weird space right now which I’m calling surreality.   It’s the funny place you are in when you are in between reality and not really feeling things are real yet.

For most of the time I have been here at my Aunt and Uncles place things have felt like surreality.  The biggest reason being that I am still tethered back in Alvarado with the house and memories.  A part of me has been resisting the move and keeps wanting me to go back.  I know I can’t now with all that has happened or if I tried it would be extremely difficult!  I have to move forward now and I am not sure what that will look like,

I have to take each moment as it comes and hope it’s better than the last.  I have made a ‘ll new friend I am meeting Saturday and I’m nervous about it but hoping it will be worth both of our whiles.  I need to make more memories in my present so I can start putting the past behind me and stop feeling like I am being pulled apart.

 

surreality” in the English Ordinal system equals 148 (one brain process in eternity and or on the race track of life)

God has a plan” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (together=98)

4 Aug 2020 It’s hard to practice what you preach

Good morning and hello to you wherever and whenever you are,  Its a new day and I am finding myself wondering what to do with it!  So I decided to write a bit.  The topic that came to mind is about how hard it is to practice what you tell other people to do – to put into practice what you preach.

For so many years I was in a happy space and everything was relatively easy and it was from that frame of mind that I did this blog.  When I had my husbands support I felt like I could do anything. Now I am on my own and I feel a lot differently.  I feel like the foundation to me has been removed and I am on a shifting surface.  So I am having to figure out how to support myself and it’s hard.

I have a dear friend who has been trying to help me be my own “safe person.”  For several months now she has been that person for me but she had to go back to work  She described herself as training wheels for me.  What’s funny is I was never the person that my family has been getting to know.  They didn’t know the confident, strong, self-reliant me at least not in person.  I used to be able to do a lot without having my hands held and now that is all changed. Now everything seems to be a big deal!

Staying in the present moment is particularly difficult with my mind that keeps wanting to drag me back to the past.  At age 52 I have a lot of past to sift through for every moment of the day.  As if late, I keep going back to Alvarado and the house and I have to let that go soon!

I used to be the one to dispense all kinds of advice and pep talks and now I am on the receiving end of  it and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn’t, it just makes it worse.  For someone to talk to me, it’s like they have to walk through a field of landmines of conversations that will blow up and provoke anxiety.

Practice what you preach” in the English Ordinal system equals 239 (Jackie is in this=39)

two three nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 156

one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141

What I am finding too is that since all this has happened everything makes me so sensitive.  This includes food and drink.  I have been off coffee and tea for several months now because of the jitters I get from my blood sugar changing.  I am having to learn how to eat and drink again.

Bottom line to all of this I’ve written is I am having learn how to live again because the life I had is gone.  I have to believe God has a plan for me just not sure what it is yet.

 

 

2 Aug 2020 Absence

Hello to you visitor.  It has been a long time since I have blogged here.  I just haven’t felt like writing.  I got encouraged to write by a dear friend so I am trying.  So many pieces of my life I have yet to reclaim since the divorce started and my moving to Idaho.  I still can’t really watch too much tv, movies, listen to music and or sing,  read much of anything and my hobbies are all on the backburner.  Everything I used to do was part of the episode just before I went into the hospital this last time.  So my life, as my dear friend describes, is very constricted.

Another part of all this is I still feel love for my husband who has divorced me.   Everything makes me think of him! Today we went to a park that had water features and a rose garden with a steam engine train and I immediately associated all of it with my husband.  I broke down into tears. Thankfully I was with my friend and she made it safe for me to express my feelings.  Towards the end of our time together things got ugly but before that there were so many good times.  What’s happened to me is like processing a death and it’s painful.

Another thing that keeps happening is feeling like I am in two places at once.  Part of of me is here and part of me is still back in Alvarado.  So much happened there!  Kyle and I loved and lost four of our pets there in addition to so many other memories.  I grew very fond of the trees and plants in the yard.  I didn’t think I would miss them but I do.  It will take time and some day I will have my own place again and a friend suggested plants and therapy.

Link has adjusted to our new home better than I have!  Life is much simpler for a dog than us dumb humans and all our memories and baggage!

My coping mechanisms of walking and talking still are working.  I also chat yet and that helps some.  Gradually I will reclaim my life and thank God I don’t have to do it alone.

 

ABSENCE” in the English Ordinal system equals 49

four nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 102

one zero two” in the English Ordinal system equals 156

one five six ” in the English Ordinal system equals 128

one two eight ” in the English Ordinal system equals 141

 

14 June 2020 Walk and Talk

Hello to you.  How are you today?  I am doing better than I was doing this morning.  Sometimes mornings are hard for me.  I have been trying to sleep without a sleep aid and so far have been kind of successful.

Something that seems to help me with anxiety the most lately, and I realize I have mentioned it before,  is the combined activity of walking and talking at the same time .  My family gives me a call and I take them on a walk with me, “Hello?  Wait a minute, let me get on my shoes.”  So my neighbors have become accustomed to seeing me out with my cell phone while I walk.  The magic number for time is about 40 minutes or less.  Depending on how hot it is, sometimes it can just be a walk around the block but it helps.

walk and talk” in the English Ordinal system equals 110

purpose” in the English Ordinal system equals 110

 

 

 

8 June 2020 Anxiety control

Hello to you.  I haven’t written in a few days.  I have been hesitant to write because I am trying to keep my anxiety under control.  Also I have been sharing my posts on Facebook and I am now trying to stay off of there! Even  my transition care manager that called me today said he’s been taking time off of Facebook right now.

Tomorrow I have a phone call with my doctor so I can let him know everything that has been going on in the anxiety department and hopefully he will have something he can prescribe for me to take as needed to help me.  I don’t want to be on anti-anxiety meds forever just something mild to help take the edge off of what I’m going through right now.  Something else that has been working is doing a walk and talk with family on the cell phone. The combination of walking and talking seems to help.

My poor family that has been trying to hold my hand through this is all long distance right now.  They are doing their best to help me.  Their phone calls really help – they usually end up going on a walk with me!

1 June 2020 Anxiety and hot laptop

Hello.  I haven’t written in a couple of days.  I was fortunate this weekend and my neighbors decided to have a garage sale.  I was able to sell several things and they gave me the money for it  Now we don’t have to worry about the king mattress being at the curb or a couple other things.  It was so nice of them to allow me to see some things in their sale.  My husband and his dad came by on Saturday to get some the last of his things out of the house.  I was happy to see them and so was Link but sad for the reason.  Link howled like crazy again after they left.  The noises Link was making is what I was feeling but not expressing inside.   I did manage to get him calmed down after a walk and a Skype session with my cousins wife which soothed us both.

Sometimes you just need a friend!

I can feel myself resisting what is happening with this separation/pending divorce/home sale/moving process even though I’m doing the next right things.  I have been fighting with myself inside a lot.  All of this is provoking a lot of anxiety.  I’m starting to wonder if I don’t need to talk to my doctor about an anti-anxiety as needed medication.  I don’t want to be one of those people who pops pills for everything but I think I may need to about this.  When I start t feel those feelings I don’t want to do anything but go crawl into bed!

I wish I could be like Link express myself and move on and not ruminate – just grab one of my toys and play and not be trapped in emotions!

The toy I do grab that helps some is my laptop it’s a DELL Inspiron 15 3000. The only problem is it gets so hot when I want to play video games on it.  Very disappointing.  So I mainly can use it for chatting and stuff like this.  I should have know better.

As always thank you for stopping by and reading.  I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

 

 

28 MAy 2020 Stuff

Hello to you.  How are you this morning?  Well Link and I have had our walk and I forced myself to eat some breakfast sitting at the table.  I have been having trouble sitting still for meals since I got home from the hospital.  Just another anxiety provoking thing I’m working through.  Last night before bed I was having to keep my mind from teleporting all over the place, “stay with Link” and “stay here Jackie” are phrases I’m having to use a lot.  So many parts of my life provoke a teleport of my mind and heart to another time.

Speaking of another time….my stuff is a big time trigger right now.

With things going the way they are, I am going to be moving.  We are having discussions with what is the best way to transport my stuff from here to Idaho.  I think we have narrowed it down to a Uhaul truck.  The quote for the POD was $3800 with almost $300 for rent a month.  A lot of the deliberation about this has been whether or not all the stuff I’ve decided to keep will fit in one device or another and not cost us a fortune!   I’ve already gotten rid of so much and there is still a couple things left.   I hate the thought of putting our King size bed at the curb!

This morning I was thinking about the movies my husband and I had collected and my journals.  He is going to try and sell most of the movies.  The journals I think are going to be transported one more time but there is a part of me that is almost ready to let them go.  I have no intention of going back through them and I don’t expect anybody else is going to want to either.  Unlike movies though, you can’t just go get another copy of a journal.   With movies you can also find another way to watch and or acquire another copy.  We’ll see what happens!  I have some more time to think about it.

Anyhew that’s where we are at in our process right now.  I’m trying to stay in the present moment.  I am trying to remain grateful for what and who I have.

25 May 2020 Remembering

How are you today?  I’m doing pretty good.  It’s a wet Memorial Day.  They say it’s going to be like this all day.  I guess it’s a fitting thing that it be raining on this somber holiday.  In the past couple of years, my husband and honored this holiday by going to our local cemetery.  Instead of doing that this year, I will be going to spend some time with my husband, his family and of course Spotty.  Last night before bed I was imagining saying hello to her and being so excited!

Our Spotty Girl –  I miss her 

Memorial Day” in the English Ordinal system equals 116

a remembrance” in the English Ordinal system equals 98

together” in the English Ordinal system equals 98

Remembering, like I mentioned in my post yesterday, is a mixed thing.  It can be a helpful skill and as my husband used to day about his having a great memory, it can be a curse.   I am struggling with the curse part right now.  When I remember things it is such a visceral experience that it hurts.  In our current times I’m sure I’m not alone.   On this day I can guess there are many who wish they didn’t have to remember what today is about!   My heart goes out to anyone reading this that can relate to that.

Goals for today:

Today I will rest in gratitude that I am here and yet able to remember.  Today I will give thanks for what and who I have in my life.  Today I will have hope that today and the tomorrows yet to come will be filled with great new memories.