16 April 2021 Home

Hello to you, how are you? It’s a beautiful sunny Friday afternoon here as I write to you. The topic that has come up for me today is home, “where is my home?” They say home is where your heart is so I am left asking where is my heart? Well yesterday when I really started thinking about this question, I looked down and I saw Link! Link is 6 years old and has been with me through some of the hardest parts of the storm I’ve been in. When I say I have to go home nowadays I am thinking of Link…”I have to get home to Link.” I’m kind of afraid to get too close to him. What if he leaves me too? What will I have left? I guess I shouldn’t be thinking like that and stay in the moment but it’s hard.

Some day I hope to have a two legged someone in addition to Link to share my life with and home will be redefined once again.

Psalm 84:3-4New International Version

Even the sparrow has found a home,
    and the swallow a nest for herself,
    where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
    Lord Almighty, my King and my God.
Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
    they are ever praising you.[a]

22 May 2020 Link

woman” in the English Ordinal system equals 66

happy” in the English Ordinal system equals 66

where is my home?” in the English Ordinal system equals 166

cat” in the English Ordinal system equals 24

home is where the heart is” in the English Ordinal system equals 241

13 March 2021 Walk

Hello to you how are you this day? I am doing pretty good. Just got back from a nice walk with Link. The past couple of days have been really beautiful – warm and sunny. I am looking forward to spring and more days like this.

Now you ask why the title “walk.” Well I asked for a topic and that is the word the came through loud and clear. May be my brain was catching up to that’s what we were doing at the time I asked lol! I don’t know! I looked up the word Walk in my NIV Bible and there are several references; like 211 of them. Here is one for example: John 8:12

12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Now to talk about walks/walking in the context of my daily life it’s a vital part of it. I can’t even say the word without Link perking his ears up! We try to get out at least once to two times a day if the weather is nice. Walking replaced running for me because my knees got bad from running so much when I was younger. Walking has always been a great therapy too – walk up to 40 minutes to kick in the “happy chemicals” in the brain.

Some of my best memories are from walks with my husband, family and friends. Seeing rainbows, flocks of birds, elaborate spider webs, trees and flowers. No matter how “ugly” the place I have been, I have always managed to find the beauty in the midst of it. When you walk with God you walk with all of your senses not just for exercise. I’m grateful that I am able to walk!

Lets see what the question I ask Link is in the numbers:

do you want to go for a walk?” in the English Ordinal system equals 282 (light and shadow process with eternity in between)

12 March 2021 Wisdom

Hi there! How are you in your where and when as you visit me here? I hope you are well. I am doing well. Last night my friend came by after work and we were treated to not one but three waves of migrating birds like the ones I had written about seeing in the morning! We think they are snow geese and it was amazing! She hadn’t see anything like that before!

We talked for quite awhile. Part of what we talked about was faith. I have been having a stumbling block about Jesus Christ being my one and only savior. She’s been patient with me and we read some scripture she referred to as the “Roman Road.” I am so grateful to have a dear friend helping me along on this journey I am on. Someone to help me with this seeking I am doing for God’s will in my life.

Well before bed I was praying and God put it on my mind to read Proverbs 2 2-3. I didn’t immediately leap out of bed and read it but remembered this morning to read it. As I read it I found it was perfect:

My son, if you accept my words
    and store up my commands within you,
turning your ear to wisdom
    and applying your heart to understanding—
indeed, if you call out for insight
    and cry aloud for understanding,

and if you look for it as for silver
    and search for it as for hidden treasure,
then you will understand the fear of the Lord
    and find the knowledge of God.
For the Lord gives wisdom;

balance” in the English Ordinal system equals 38 (yes,no, may be in eternity)

wisdom” in the English Ordinal system equals 83

understanding ” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one senses unknown person, place or thing)

Yesterday I figured out something I can do while I wait for a specific call from God was pray for other people. My Aunt shared her list with me so I have a good start.

3 March 2021 Messengers

Hello to you how are you? I am pretty good but man am I hungry for spirit food! I have lost track of how many spiritual and positive affirmation recordings I’ve listened to on You Tube the past couple of days. So many different messengers with similar messages all leading to the same font of all that is – God.

I have written in the past that we are all messengers with messages to carry for God. What gets tricky is there are different messengers. Each messenger has their own unique and special way in order to share their message; it may or may not resonate with everyone who receives it. No one person is a messenger for all.

One of my messengers lately has been Joyce Meyer. Her style and approach to delivering daily ways to live with God resonate with me. Not everyone might feel that way. They may have someone else they would rather listen to and learn from.

I am hoping that as I get closer to God I will again be connected like I was before. I hope there will be many messengers and I will never feel alone again.

cat” in the English Ordinal system equals 24 (thought this was humorous as cats are often seen as half in and half out of the spirit world)

messengers” in the English Ordinal system equals 124

28 August 2020 Stress isn’t the only reason

Hello to you today hope you are having a good day.  Today we are going to look into the mystery that happens when you have more than one dog and find poop in the house.  I read some articles and they said it could be stress but my aunt thinks it might be something else like my Link being onry!  So for fun I wanted to look at this from a numbers perspective and see what shows up.

who pooped in the house was it Link or Smokie” in the English Ordinal system equals 464 (Links name in the numbers =46! )

Why is Link pooping in the house?” in the English Ordinal system equals 346 (a yes no may be left side of the brain all vices in check but one) (Link name in the numbers =46 )

 

three four six” in the English Ordinal system equals 168 (one all vices in check but one in eternity and or racetrack of life)

one six eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 135 (one yes no may be for all the senses)

one three five” in the English Ordinal system equals 132 (one yes no may be for the light and shadow of self)

one three two” in the English Ordinal system equals 148 (one left side of the brain eternity and or on the racetrack of life)

one four eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 143 (one left side of the brain yes no may be)

one four three” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all the senses an object)

one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140  (one left side of the brain an object)

one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 (one all the senses in eternity and or racetrack of life)

one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one light and shadow of self all the senses)

one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes no may be right side of the brain)

one four three” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all the senses an object)

(“food” in the English Ordinal system equals 40)

(gluttony” in the English Ordinal system equals 134)

(“onry” in the English Ordinal system equals 72)

(“stress” in the English Ordinal system equals 100)

(“nerves” in the English Ordinal system equals 83)

If we are to look at this, it seems to accurately show just facts of what is happening but not telling us why.  A couple of things like  food  and gluttony showed up.   Overeating was listed as one of possible reasons for the increased amount of poop in the house   It looks like a process doesn’t it?   Sometimes it’s interesting to see if their is a practical application for something like this.

https://pets.webmd.com/dogs/dog-behavior-17/my-dog-pooping-everywhere

 

26 September 2020 Friends

Hello to you.  How are you today?  This morning I am still processing what happened yesterday.  I went out and spent a few hours with husband and his family for Memorial Day.  Kyle and I had the talk I been dreading for us to have but it was necessary.  Spot sat between us.  The past four years have just proven to be more than Kyle can take.  He is also trying to progress in a career where he is going to be gone a lot.   I may not be financially high maintenance but emotionally I can be.  I’m kind of like a dog with separation anxiety to be honest.   I don’t do well being by myself too long.  So he’s doing what is best for himself and ultimately I think this will be good for me too I just can’t see it yet.  I think things are going to be alright.  With everything that has happened between us the past few years, our friendship remains intact and that means the world to me!   I got to spend time with Spot too and she seemed much more relaxed than I’ve seen her in a long time which is a good thing.

25 May 2020 – beautiful Spotty in her first bed

At about 3 pm Tim played TAPS.  It reminded me of when we had all gone to Arlington National Cemetery and he and his family played.

25 May 2020 Tim Played TAPS in honor of Memorial Day

25 May 2020 Beth Tim Kyle and Cole

We played a few rounds of Yahtzee and of course I didn’t win!  It was fun to spend some time together like that.  I am blessed to have such understanding people as family.

25 May 2020 – Yahtzee!

25 May 2020 – handsome Henry. He and Link are always fighting over Kyle’s Mom Beth!

 

24 May 2020 Memories and Anxiety – coping with ghosts of the past

Hello to.  How are you doing today?  I’m up and got Link out on the morning drag.  When you walk Link it’s not always you walking him but him having a pretty good idea of what the walk is about.  He definitely has his own agenda!  Boy dog stuff – “I MUST pee here and  I MUST leave a dribble on this particular blade of grass.”   Since he’s been back home he’s also been barking in the house a lot more than I remember him doing before.  He and Spot used to bark, but not as much as he has been doing lately. He doesn’t have Daddy to keep  him line!

5 May 2020 Link and I on walk Parkway Park Alvarado TX

Lately I have been coping with anxiety that is associated with memories.  So much of my life is filled with my husband that with us being separated like we are, I have been having trouble.  Everything I do has a memory associated with him and that evokes a feeling of anxiety and longing in me,   Every part of the day from eating breakfast,  going for the morning walk, playing a video game we used to play and even taking a shower at night are all filled with memories…..ghosts of our shared past.   He  was and in my mind and heart still is, my everything.  I am having to make new patterns and I can feel myself resisting doing that.  I don’t want to figure out how to live my life without the man I love!  

My family has been reminding me that I have to stay in the now and quit going backwards to avoid those anxious feelings and it’s hard for me right now! I am sure God has a plan in all this but some of it sure seems to hurt!

I baked cupcakes yesterday to take out to him and the family for Memorial Day.   I had packed up a bunch of my kitchen stuff so it was nice to get it back out for that – to do something normal.  Hopefully the weather is going to cooperate.  They were talking about us getting potentially heavy rain tomorrow…..I hope not.  I have been looking forward to this for so long!  I miss my husband, Spot and most definitely seeing tangible family.

Not much else to write.  I’m trying to stay in the habit of writing as a part of my therapy and coping strategies.

Thank you for stopping by!

 

ghost” in the English Ordinal system equals 69

people” in the English Ordinal system equals 69

 

22 May 2020 Good Morning and Communication (Discord program)

Hello to you.  How are you doing today?  It’s a new day.  I started my day today trying to coax Link to go outside and do his business after the rains we had last night.  I’m probably going to have to take him for a walk to do it.

I began my day with sending my husband a good morning text and a picture of our “son” being cute as he resists me.  Even though we are not together right now, in my heart we are.  Link is not just a dog but a Link to my husband and to Link’s family of origin.  No matter how far apart we are inside or out.

What dogs teach us is every morning is a good morning.  Every moment is precious.

22 May 2020 – GOOD MORNING!

I found another way to communicate with people and that is through a an computer program called Discord (https://discord.com/).  My husband uses it to communicate with his gaming friends or he did.  I play an MMORPG Rift from time to time and joined a guild that has a Discord Channel.  They are really nice people and there are a couple ladies that use it that are my age.  They aren’t on all the time, but when they are it’s really nice to have people to talk to about something besides my problems.  I’m just trying to find various ways to help fill the void for daily human contact and communication I’m living in right now.

I’m grateful to my family and friends that have been sending texts almost daily.  It’s amazing how just a few words on the phone can help make a day start off right!  If anything all of what I’m going through has made communicating with people outside of the home even more important.

 

 

21 May 2020 Feelings come and go

Good morning.  Well Link and I had our walk, eaten breakfast and now some laundry.   I am grateful to be able to do those things after looking at the headlines for Michigan this morning – severe flooding.

I didn’t write yesterday.  My husband had a journal for a little while when he was welding and he said it was a bit like may be a diary of a blacksmith back in the day, “Today, I made a sword.”  The next day, “Today, I made a sword and a hammer.”  It gets real dull after awhile.  I honestly don’t have a lot to write about right now and feel a little dull!

I am still wrestling with myself about whether or not to keep my handwritten journals,  I was talking with someone in the health chat program I’ve been using lately and they brought up a good point.  Feelings come and go but once I get rid of the journals that’s it, they will be gone.   There are memories from my current marriage like playing scrabble with my husbands Grandma before she died.  I am having a real hard time thinking about tossing away stuff like that.

I spoke with my Care manager yesterday about my anxiety issues lately.  He had a lot of the same ideas my cousins wife Tawna, who has a Masters in Psychology, had to offer.  He suggested breathing exercises, yoga stretches, making a safe place for being in and visualizations.  He suggested church groups, prayer, meditation and reaching out like I have been doing with family, friends and chats.  He is calling me once a week now.  It’s helpful to have a professional checking in and being able to talk to him.

Other than that, I am missing affection.  Between social distancing and my husband and I being separated it is hard.  I am grateful to have Link as he likes to cuddle and is affectionate.  We are planning on getting together for Memorial Day (25th).  I hope when I see him and his family there will be hugs even if we have to wear masks!

20 May 2020 – My cuddle buddy Link

 

17 May 2020 Comfort from unlikely places – visit from Sam

Good morning to you. It’s Sunday as I write.  Link and I got out already and manage to get around the block together.  We snuggled all night and were reluctant to get out of bed but we needed to.   The past few days I have been set up in the bedroom with  my laptop.  I just haven’t felt like being in the rest of the house for too long right now.  I’m in the middle of a process right now and it’s a very uncomfortable place to be.

I have been receiving really good advice come from my faraway family and friends.   I have been practicing some of it the past couple of days.  The advice isn’t new but when you are in the middle of “the feelings” you just don’t remember crap to put it bluntly.  My cousins wife has helped me with remembering to do deep breathing, may be to try counting when I walk if I find myself ruminating on things too much.

The words of comfort and great advice help me in my head but my body is different.  I miss the tangible presence of my husband.  I miss hugs.  I miss kisses.  I miss waking up and seeing him and hearing his voice.   I miss having someone to talk to that at one time use to understand me better than I understood myself sometimes.

The Nothing Compares To You song was in my head this morning.  It’s the first song my husband and I listened to when we got home after Sam left us.

Sam visited me in my dreams last night and was so excited to see me.  He was bigger in our dream visit than when he was here in life.  He was healthy and vibrant and full of joy.  It was very comforting.  I think it was God working in mysterious ways again.  God just knew I needed comfort from an unlikely place, to have a visit from an old friend.

This morning I went and got the fleece version of him I sewed 9 years ago now and just held him this morning.  It helped me some to do that.

I sewed this fleece version of Sam 9 years ago. I started sewing these to help me with grief and it only makes sense this one would help me now.

Writing about all this is helping me process part of what’s happening in my life right now.  Thank you for visiting, reading, your kind thoughts and your prayers.