15 October 2021

Hello. How are you? I’m am doing ok – just real tired. I haven’t been sleeping that well. It was only once around the block today. I’m starting to feel like an old dog!! Must be the cold getting in my bones!

Yesterday I went over to my Aunt and Uncles house for linner (lunch/dinner). They had invited some of their friends and their daughter too . It was nice to have a home cooked meal with such good company. Playing a round of Farkle (dice game) which my Aunt won. Being with them helped me forget my troubles for awhile . For just a couple hours the world seemed happy and peaceful – normal. When I am with my family I feel so loved and cared about. I wish the whole world could know what that’s like. So many lives seem to be in a state of chaos right now.

When I look at the news lately everything is for shit. It’s like there isn’t any hope. Just more of the same crap – fear mongering and scare tactics. All the stuff love can’t buy but money can. If you pay attention to this stuff you have to ask where God is in all of it. I believe God is showing us just how broken we are.

All broken aside, I want to focus on the good stuff. I woke up today. I have wonderful family and friends. I have a roof over my head. Food in my belly. My health is pretty good yet. I have a sweet dog. I have transportation. I want to believe there is enough of what I need in this world. I want to believe my higher power has my back and is looking out for me. No matter how broken this world appears to be, there are moments like I had yesterday. People still caring about each other and coming together in fellowship and love.

So what are you grateful for today? What makes you happy ? How do you stay positive ? I’d love to hear from you!

14 October 2021 Redirection

Hello to you. How are you ? It’s Thursday already! Didn’t this week go fast? I got out and walked but only made it around once. My knees aren’t being nice to me lately. I also miss having someone to walk with!

So I was having a talk with a friend yesterday who suffers from OCD. It can be quite crippling. He gets stuck in his thoughts and exhausts himself. I suggested to him that when he had these ruminating thoughts he think or say STOP and at that moment put another thought in its place. Kind of like stopping a train on the tracks. When I do this for myself I will insert a thought like, “I don’t want to think about that right now,” “That is not helpful.” It’s kind of like making a new train route in the brain. It’s an attempt to redirect my thoughts.

Each day I have to use the advice I gave my friend . As a bipolar everything is a delicate balance in my life. Living alone I have time to ruminate a lot and a lot of times it’s not helpful stuff I’m ruminating on. When I do this it’s oftentimes very visceral. I feel what I am ruminating about and it makes me feel like gears are slipping in my brain.

With this kind of stuff going on and living alone I find myself turning to God more. I get frustrated though because sometimes it feels like God isn’t there. I know it’s not true but it’s just a feeling. I don’t know if it’s the Covid-19 or what but I have been feeling my mortality so much lately. The world feels fragile, like we are on borrowed time. How is it some people just go through life like there is nothing to worry about ?

Sometimes the gears in my brain feel like they slip

13 October 2021 Wednesday

Hello there, how are you ? It’s Wednesday or hump day as many people call it. Looks like it’s going to be gray and overcast today.

Yes I’m adorable get back to writing!

When the weather is like this I don’t feel like doing much of anything. All there is for me is writing and writing keeps me going. I’m so grateful for this blog and the people who stop by to visit !

“Who am I in a world of billions, living in a country in debt by the trillions. So many struggling to get ahead, Covid-19 leaving so many dead. Ships stacked with a bunch of goods, shitty sneakers to exotic foods . Water ways starting to run dry, cities scrambling to find a new supply. Who am I in this dream ? Will the human race survive or just keep losing steam ?”

I want to believe this is a world of plenty. It just seems like we don’t manage our resources very well. At some point, on a global scale, water conservation is going to have to be important. I buy water by the gallon jugs from the grocery store. Sometimes when I want to buy water they are out and that kind of scares me. What will have to change in order for us to continue to have enough water? It seems like so many products we use require water as one of its main ingredients .

Just stuff I think about!

12 October 2021 Tuesday

Hello . How are you today? I am doing ok. I finally decided to go get groceries and it wasn’t cheap and a bit of a scavenger hunt. I spent $103 for just me. I was relieved that they had drinking water but it looked like the toilet paper aisle had been raided. I don’t envy the people that work there trying to keep the store shelves stocked !

So I found a YouTube channel that was interesting: Living Life in North Idaho. The host, Trent has lived in Idaho for 30 years and is a realtor. This video done just a day ago mentions Middleton: https://youtu.be/SxrTGg48npY . He does a variety of videos some of which I wish I had seen before deciding to move here!

I thought about buying Halloween candy today but decided not to. This is my first Halloween in the neighborhood and I don’t know what to expect . There are a lot of kids living here but I don’t know if they go trick or treating or if they are just going to go the trunk or treat route. I miss dressing up with my ex husband and handing out candy. We had a steam punk theme and I had my plasma lamp that I would bring out and light up light bulbs wirelessly!

Do you decorate and celebrate Halloween? I’d love to hear about it!

11 October 2021 Living Your Faith

Hello. How are you? I got a walk in it was chilly and cold. I’m not ready for cold weather again so soon. It seems like just yesterday the trees across the street were blooming!! Sadly I’m not in charge of the earths thermostat !

This morning on the walk I asked what I should write about and the topic that came forth is a hard one . It was about living your faith in your day to day life. Faith isn’t just in sacred text, holy days and churches, temples and synagogues. It’s every day. Sometimes it’s confusing. I have a lot of trouble with the conflicting guidance you get from the Old and New testament . I prefer the messages in the New Testament :

Matthew 5:43-48New International Version

Love for Enemies

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor[a](A) and hate your enemy.’(B) 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,(C) 45 that you may be children(D) of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.(E) 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get?(F) Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.(G)

It’s easy to love those who love you back and are lovable. It’s easy to pray for your friends and family. Right now I’m having a situation where I’m being challenged to be able to care about someone but not be hurt by caring. I have to keep my distance or risk my own mental health and well being.

How do you live your faith and still stay mentally sound? Something that I’ve done and has been done to me is letting someone go with love. You wish a person a well and happy life but because of irreconcilable differences you can’t be part of each other’s lives. You don’t stop loving and caring for a person but you don’t tolerate their oftentimes negative activity in your life.

It is hard to practice your own advice sometimes especially when your a softy like I am ! It’s easy to take the path of least resistance but end up being a doormat as a result . Thankfully I have a strong support system that is trying to keep me from being that. They don’t want to see me be anybody’s emotional punching bag!

The question remains how do you live your faith in your daily life and still remain intact ? How do all the walks of faith on earth keep it together when it feels like this world is falling apart ? How do you not go crazy trying to live up to ancient doctrine in a world that seems so contrary to most of it ? It feels like we are divided tribes at war for the same sacred spaces . So many questions and so many conflicting answers .

I am still on my quest of faith. I’m one of those that hasn’t quite settled on a path. What does it mean for me to live my faith then? What is my faith? I’m sure The God of my understanding is at work in my life. I just have to remain open minded and willing to proceed. Like I learned in AA just keep doing the next right thing.

10 October 2021 Small Town

Hello again. This post will kind of tie in to my previous. I am having one of those days where I just need to write !

So I live in a small town in Idaho named Middleton. It’s near Nampa and Caldwell. We are going through a housing boom in this area. All around the existing “old town” people are building really expensive houses. We have one grocery store called Ridleys that all these new residents go to and I’ve noticed shortages especially of drinking water. Most people I know don’t drink water from the tap. They either have some kind of filtration system or they drink bottled water.

I never thought I would live in a world where you would have to pay twice for water . Pay the city so you can flush your toilet and pay the grocery store so you have water to drink. Drinking water is more precious than oil!

I moved to this town for a reason. One of the biggest is finding a house I could afford that wasn’t a complete dump. I considered renting an apartment but couldn’t afford it. For under $200,000 the only properties that were listed were the type flippers dream about . In some cases you would have to level the house to the ground and start over! The tiny house I found, a mere 734 sq ft, was a manufactured home which is hard to get a loan for but was still in my price range at $190,000. A lot of prayers were answered with my finding of the house!

So I live here now what! I haven’t figured out a way to connect with people here yet. The only people I know here in this state are my family. They all work or are busy with their own lives. I have considered starting a Meetup group but am not sure I want to swallow the $69 startup fee! Most Meetup groups are in the larger cities. I don’t want to have to drive all the way to Boise. I have nice neighbors but they mostly keep to themselves or each other. I’m the odd woman out – no husband and no kids.

There has to be a reason beyond this house for me being here. I just don’t know what it is yet. Something I really enjoyed doing for a time was helping people heal. May be once I’m completely back on my feet God will have a plan about that. May be part of my being here is to heal and get strong again. This small town might just be the refuge God wants for me right now .

10 October 2021

Hello to you . How are you? It’s Sunday. I’m writing to you from my little loveseat that I’m currently sharing with two little dogs. We have an overnight guest my Aunts dog named Smokey. Link and Smokey always have a good time together. Both of the dogs are part Maltese and very similar in temperament. They choose their people! If they don’t like you they let you know it!

Two friends

So I should go get groceries but I don’t wanna. I have enough milk to get me by til tomorrow. Truth be told I dread going to the grocery store. I’ve been reading about scarcity and have noticed it myself with things like water and milk. I never thought I would live in a time like this. Then again I never planned on living someplace that is experiencing such drastic growth either!

It’s all part of a phenomenon I’ve noticed for many years. I noticed it a lot when I lived in Colorado and also Florida….unbridled growth. People would visit these places and decide they just had to live there . When you get a bunch of people with this same bright idea before long what they initially loved is gone and paved over with concrete to accommodate all the people. They have destroyed a place with their love. It’s happening here in Idaho and from what it seems all over the country. My neighbor back in Texas told me they are putting in 200 more homes off a already burdened road .

Where are all these people coming from and why? My own move from Texas to Idaho was driven by a divorce. From my experience here buying a home, people are snapping up houses with cash – well over asking price. The only people that could do that have to be coming from higher cost of living places. A lot of the people I’ve heard are doing this are retirement age or close to retirement .

I’ve been reading about and seeing acres of farm land being turned to new subdivisions. I have also heard and read that we are having water shortages. I have to wonder what is the point of having a new house if there is no water to flow into it?!! Water is a finite resource. What is this state going to do to preserve its water resources?

Sigh……

The people that get hurt the most are the people who already live here. Their wages are not keeping up with the cost of living – rising rent and gas prices….everything costs more. A friend of mine was recently job hunting. He has a Masters degree. The jobs that came up only wanted to pay him the same or a little above what McDonald’s would pay a new employee! People have to have liveable wages ! There are shortages all over for jobs that don’t pay worth a darn and don’t offer medical and dental insurance.

It seems like our system is broken. Everything costs more now and I am not entirely sure why. Is is it that there are more people putting a burden on it? Is it due to poor resource management ? For example student debt for doctors . Would we be able to have more affordable healthcare if so many doctors didn’t have student loans to pay off ?

There has to be a better way. I don’t have all the answers – just a lot of questions! I wish leading people who are running these big corporations would take their eyes off their stock portfolios for a minute….stop profiteering. What good is a world overrun by greed? What good is a world where a great majority of people are living with uncertainty, disease and scarcity?

John 1:5 The light shines in the darkness,(H) and the darkness has not overcome[a] it.(I)

9 October 2021 Unconditional Love

Hello to you. How are you today? It’s a very sunny Saturday. The air is crisp and the trees are really starting to shed their leaves. I am blessed to have had a visit with family this morning.

This morning I’m thinking about unconditional love . What is it? Most times that kind of love gets associated with God and our pets and I think it’s because human beings let us down. There is only so much a human being can take. There is only so much a human being can give. How many times can you forgive someone who abuses you over and over again be it verbally or physically? It seems like only someone like Jesus can forgive like that.

I am experiencing a situation in my life where I am left wondering if I should try and be like Jesus or accept my humanity. I’m left struggling with this decision. I know that if I continue to try and love and care about this person it will damage me. My self preservation is kicking in.

Are human beings even capable of what Jesus asked of us? To love our neighbors as ourselves? Does it mean I don’t love myself if I don’t love my neighbor? If I stop loving my neighbor?

When is it ok to think of yourself when it comes to abusive relationships? What would Jesus do ? Would he just keep forgiving ? That’s kind of what he modeled for us: “forgive them father they know not what they do.”

Is the concept of unconditional love even a realistic concept for the human being of today? Was it ever? Or was it just a concept to aspire to ? When do you give up on someone ?

Then there is the concept of tough love but that is still conditional love. Where you love somebody only if they meet certain criteria’s. It seems like the only place unconditional love can be found is from nonhuman sources.

I guess that’s why God. The only being in the universe that will love you no matter what you do or say is God. I have to caveat this though. Depending on what version of God also determines if there is unconditional love or not. Some people’s God is Old Testament hellfire and brimstone God. If it hadn’t been for Jesus we were all going to hell!

I will continue to pray about this. I would be interested to get feedback. Do you think human beings are capable of unconditional love ?

8 October 2021 Gray Skies

Hello there! How are you doing today as you visit me here? I’m sitting here with a cup of coffee surrounded by gray skies. I’m hoping it will rain. We really need the water!

The past couple of days I’ve been enjoying some YouTube videos about people making electric guitars. One of my favorite instruments! Burls art did a build in the woods that turned out really good: https://youtu.be/eqkJXjr0sz8

Burls has done some really unique builds like Legos, paper, infinity mirror, epoxy resin and many more. I like watching people make things. May be one day I will get back to making things myself !

I have never learned how to play an instrument. I play by ear as I never learned to read music. I have a couple recorders I take out now and again as well as a lap harp.

I used to have a drum up until I ruined it during one of my episodes. I really like the drum! May be I need to watch some videos about how to make them. I’ll never forget the coffee can drum my mom made for me when I was a child. I would take it and drum under the stars. It was just a coffee can covered with duct tape!

Do you play an instrument ?

https://youtu.be/Svg_fIoHij8 – Andrew Huang making music with household items

Another fun video. It made me think of the show Glee. Music can chase away the feelings that gray days conjure up .

“Gray skies roll in like a blanket on my soul, my spirit a faint spark to pay the toll . Twisting and turning layers of gray, looks like the dimming and shadow are here to stay . It’s a gray skies day we wait for celestial tears to fall, to give us life giving water one and all .”

7 October 2021 Escape

Hello to you. How are you? It’s Thursday afternoon as I write. I really need to visit you here today!

I’m mentally tired as I write to you. I find myself wanting an escape. I haven’t been on a vacation since my honeymoon cruise back in 2008! Such a long time ago ! It wouldn’t have to be a long trip but just getting away someplace nice. I would like to be able to take Link too !

“Sometimes the escape hatch is in our heads, a walk down the street or dreaming in our beds. To travel someplace new, to a scenic countryside or to a cabin with a view. To escape the ordinary and embrace the extraordinary. I long for that rest that restores me to my best . “