30 March 2021 Cast Your Cares

Hello to you, how are you today? I am doing ok, the day is getting better. This morning I was having a bit of a struggle with myself regarding going to get groceries or not. I prayed about it and heard a small voice say, “Cast your cares.” I remembered that being something Joyce Meyers husband David says her a lot when she’s fretting about something. I decided to look up where that scripture came from:

Psalms 55:22

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.

There was a time in my life when doing chores and other things wasn’t a big deal. For some reason everything is a big deal now. Every day I have to push through this invisible wall to get things done. It’s a physical thing where I will think about doing something and I will almost immediately get a panicky feeling in my gut. A wall of anxiety goes up. It’s that feeling I have to work through to actually accomplish anything. I am taking medication to try and help with it but it doesn’t always work!

planet” in the English Ordinal system equals 68 (all vices in check but one for eternity)

Where do I belong God” in the English Ordinal system equals 168

Cast Your Cares” in the English Ordinal system equals 168

(In the numbers it’s interesting how todays message lines up with yesterdays!)

I know I have to keep strong and have faith that I am on the right path. I asked for God’s strength and I got it. I got to the grocery store, bought what was on my list and got back home again.

25 September 2020 Different frequencies (relationships)

Hello again, it’s Friday here as I write to you.  I can’t believe how fast the weeks and days go by now.  For awhile there it was like time was standing still but now it is definitely not.

I was stumped for a topic again and a friend suggested talking about dating and relationships with people on a different frequencies.  A few years ago I took a Quantum Touch class which deals with energy healing.  Part of the training was about the concepts of resonance and entrainment.  We were taught techniques to increase our energy level before helping someone.  The person we were working with would either rise to our energy level or there was the potential, if we weren’t vigilant, to become entrained into the lower energy levels of who we were working with.

https://www.quantumtouch.com/en/about-quantum-touch/how-does-qt-work

So as far as relationships go, we all operate at different frequencies.  Some people operate on a very high frequency.  You know the kind of people that walk into a room and light the place up.  The other people in the room will either rise to the higher energy vibration or they will distance themselves.  I think it’s important in relationships that there is a balance where one person isn’t dictating where the energy level is going to be all the time.  A give and take, a balance.  This goes for all relationships not just a spouse and or significant other.

An image that just came to mind was of two magnets.  The are either strongly attracted and will slap together or strongly repel from each other.  In the latter case, you will be able to feel the magnetic field resisting the two sides joining.   There s nothing you can do to make them stay together except may be connect them somehow.  To think of forcing a magnet together is kind of like forcing a failed marriage to work I think.

entrainment” in the English Ordinal system equals 133

resonance” in the English Ordinal system equals 94

opposites attract ” in the English Ordinal system equals 217 (I thought it was interesting the same numbers for completely different words came up)

magnetic fields” in the English Ordinal system equals 127

 

18 September 2020 Ashen skies

Hello how are you? As I write this morning I look outside and the sky is gray.  You might think it was going to rain but it’s just ash from the nearby fires.  It leaves a light dusting on everything and they even up the air quality alert to red; unhealthy!

I wasn’t sure what to write about today but I wanted to write.  This week has been pretty productive the house sale is done which was another big milestone.  Now comes trying to find a new place to live and it’s not looking like it will be easy.  There is a boom in the housing market in this area  (from what I hear it’s everywhere) .  I am considered low income so I might qualify for low income housing but there is a long waiting list.  I am blessed to have family familiar with real estate and they are helping me navigate this next part of my journey.  Now isn’t a buyers market at least if you are someone like me.

I don’t know if it’s the weather right now or what but I feel heavy and anxious.  Hopefully the skies will clear and I will be able to get back outside some.  We have been praying for the firefighters.

ashen skies” in the English Ordinal system equals 110 (one one person, place or object 110=purpose)

housing boom” in the English Ordinal system equals 138 (one yes, no, may be in eternity and or racetrack of life, 38=balance, death) if you add 1+3+8 = 12/3 cycle

16 September 2020 Being Realistic

Hello there, how are you today?  I’m writing to you while I am cuddling with Link where we are all warm and fuzzy.  It was in the 40’s again this morning!  I didn’t wear a jacket but I certainly could have.  The skies are still ashen gray with all the fires surrounding the state.

This morning my Aunt and I were talking about some things and the phrase being realistic stuck with me.  I used to be, especially when I’m manic, like to live in a fantasy world and start connecting dots that don’t belong together.  Part of the connecting the dots is my living in a nonsensical world and trying to make sense of it!  I can take seemingly random pieces of my life and piece them together and they make sense—to me.

The other part of being realistic has to do with relationships.  I am wanting to meet someone and fill the void that was created by the end of my marriage.  I have to keep in mind that realistically no one is going to be able to do that.  So I am having to accept that it may be awhile until I find someone compatible comes along; they have huge shoes to fill.

I was married to a man who was able to be home a lot and keep me company.   We believed that it was more important to be together than to make a lot of money.  We were rarely apart. With the separation and divorce I had to go from that to the life I’m living now; it has been rough.  Realistically, whomever I am with has to be able to work and I have to be able to be independent.  For some reason I lost my independence in my relationship with my husband.  I am starting to think it goes all the way back to my early retirement from the military and subsequent divorce.  I jumped right into my relationship with my current husband without taking time to heal.  Now I am having to process aspects of both failed marriages at once.  I lost my self confidence and self esteem having my career and marriage fall apart like it did.  Now, with this current failed marriage, my self esteem has been completely shattered.

being realistic” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (ironically a 13 in here) one yes, no, may be yes,no, may be existence. the=33)

one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one left side brain all vices in check but one existence. body =46)

one four six” in the English Ordinal system equals 146

divorce” in the English Ordinal system equals 76 (my maiden name matches this number !)

shattered” in the English Ordinal system equals 100 (this number looks like a person, place or object destroyed)

self esteem” in the English Ordinal system equals 109 (one person, place, thing and “no” existence)

failed marriage” in the English Ordinal system equals 109 ( I thought it curious this number matches self esteem)

Let go and let God” in the English Ordinal system equals 141

I am having to do a lot of letting go and letting God these days!

9 September 2020 Getting to the core

Hello to you, how are you doing?  I am having another day without having a Coca Cola as part of my routine and I can tell.  Is this why I’m having another day of feeling “off?”   I have to be my own personal Sherlock Holmes it seems when trying to figure out why one day isn’t like another.   Why one day I will feel like I can handle just about anything and others where a leaf landing on my head could tip me over!

I’ve been talking with people who are like me.  A lot of what we do is this super-sleuthing, digging through what can be construed as a shit pile of a life for core reasons for what is happening.  I can’t dig too much and or ruminate without becoming practically paralyzed by what surfaces.  For example our family is about to experience a wedding and I have decided not to go because I know it’s a trigger.

This upcoming wedding triggers thoughts of my own wedding and I keep seeing flashes of our wedding pictures in my minds-eye.   I keep seeing my ex and how handsome and sweet he was…how happy we were.  I know that my wedding and the  subsequent failure of our marriage is at the core of why I’m having trouble with my cousins’ son getting married.  A pessimistic self has emerged that asks questions like why even bother with marriage.

So what I have excavated is a trigger to my core and I don’t want it to ruin me or taint anyone around me.

trigger” in the English Ordinal system equals 84 (ironically my ex was born in 1984)

core” in the English Ordinal system equals 41

money” in the English Ordinal system equals 72

world” in the English Ordinal system equals 72

marriage” in the English Ordinal system equals 72

3 September 2020 What I used to do and mindfulness

Hello there how are you?  Hopefully good as you visit me here.  Thank you in advance for taking the time to come by and read.  I am settling down after a nice walk and talk with my therapist  .

So the topic that came to mind today was thinking about what I used to do that made me happy and or occupied my time.  There were a whole bunch of things like doing chalk drawings outside, writing, drawing and making copper wire jewelry and or wire trees.  Sometimes there was crocheting and or knitting.  Sometimes there was singing and dancing.  Sometimes there was watching videos on Youtube and or binge watching shows on Netflix. Only a handful of these activities have felt remotely “right” to do in this new life I am living in.   A lot of the reason I have stopped doing things is for fear they would trigger another manic episode.

2 Sept 2020 wire tree pendant

My counselor and I talked today and one of the subjects we touched on was mindfulness.  I told her I often struggle with being able to stay in the moment.  She gave an example of the difference.  It was being on a walk and seeing a tree and being able to describe the tree with specific details instead of just saying “there is a tree.”

I miss my trees back in Alvarado.   I haven’t really gotten to know the tree here in the same way I did there. I wish I had taken some seeds from the oak tree, Yolie, in the front yard,

mindfulness” in the English Ordinal system equals 136 (one yes, no may be all vices in check but one 36= child)

one three six” in the English Ordinal system equals 142 (one left side brain light and shadow self process 42=self)

one four two ” in the English Ordinal system equals 152 (one all senses light and shadow self process)

one five two” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes no may be right side of the brain 134=information)

one three four” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all senses person place and or object 150=communication )

one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 (one left side of the brain person, place and or object 40=food)

one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 (one all senses in eternity and or race track of life)

one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one light and shadow process of self all senses)

one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (pattern repeats)

 

,,

2 September 2020 Memory (blessing or a curse)

Hello again how are you?

Do you ever feel like having a good memory is both a blessing and a curse?  Right now I am feeling like it is a curse of sorts.  I want to move forward with my life but memories keep popping up that drag me backwards.  When I get dragged backwards it’s a very visceral experience and a lot of times I feel it on a physical level.  This is ironic because for so long I was lending my support to a program called Music and Memory!  As of right now, I am unable to listen to much music now!  So many songs I liked to listen to are connected to memories of the past 12+ years.

Is this why people smoke, drink and or do illegal  drugs?!!!!

So I am going to ask a question in the numbers and see what comes out:

Is having a good memory a blessing or a curse?” in the English Ordinal system equals 408 (left side of the brain, with people, place and or object in between in eternity and or the race track of life existence.  Could the object be the brain or the memory?)

four zero eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 173 (one all vices in check yes, no, may be existence)

one seven three” in the English Ordinal system equals 155 (one all of the senses for light and shadow self)

one five five” in the English Ordinal system equals 118 (one and one separated in eternity and or the racetrack of life existence)

one one eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 117 (one and one separated all vices in check)

one one seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (one yes, no may be for the light and shadow self)

one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one left side of brain all vices in check but one 46=Body)

curse” in the English Ordinal system equals 66 (all vices in check but one both light and shadow of self)

blessing” in the English Ordinal system equals 87 (eternity all vices in check)

memory” in the English Ordinal system equals 89 (eternity and “nein” and or no existence)

music” in the English Ordinal system equals 65 (all vices in check but one with all the senses)

4 Aug 2020 It’s hard to practice what you preach

Good morning and hello to you wherever and whenever you are,  Its a new day and I am finding myself wondering what to do with it!  So I decided to write a bit.  The topic that came to mind is about how hard it is to practice what you tell other people to do – to put into practice what you preach.

For so many years I was in a happy space and everything was relatively easy and it was from that frame of mind that I did this blog.  When I had my husbands support I felt like I could do anything. Now I am on my own and I feel a lot differently.  I feel like the foundation to me has been removed and I am on a shifting surface.  So I am having to figure out how to support myself and it’s hard.

I have a dear friend who has been trying to help me be my own “safe person.”  For several months now she has been that person for me but she had to go back to work  She described herself as training wheels for me.  What’s funny is I was never the person that my family has been getting to know.  They didn’t know the confident, strong, self-reliant me at least not in person.  I used to be able to do a lot without having my hands held and now that is all changed. Now everything seems to be a big deal!

Staying in the present moment is particularly difficult with my mind that keeps wanting to drag me back to the past.  At age 52 I have a lot of past to sift through for every moment of the day.  As if late, I keep going back to Alvarado and the house and I have to let that go soon!

I used to be the one to dispense all kinds of advice and pep talks and now I am on the receiving end of  it and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn’t, it just makes it worse.  For someone to talk to me, it’s like they have to walk through a field of landmines of conversations that will blow up and provoke anxiety.

Practice what you preach” in the English Ordinal system equals 239 (Jackie is in this=39)

two three nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 156

one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141

What I am finding too is that since all this has happened everything makes me so sensitive.  This includes food and drink.  I have been off coffee and tea for several months now because of the jitters I get from my blood sugar changing.  I am having to learn how to eat and drink again.

Bottom line to all of this I’ve written is I am having learn how to live again because the life I had is gone.  I have to believe God has a plan for me just not sure what it is yet.

 

 

24 May 2020 Memories and Anxiety – coping with ghosts of the past

Hello to.  How are you doing today?  I’m up and got Link out on the morning drag.  When you walk Link it’s not always you walking him but him having a pretty good idea of what the walk is about.  He definitely has his own agenda!  Boy dog stuff – “I MUST pee here and  I MUST leave a dribble on this particular blade of grass.”   Since he’s been back home he’s also been barking in the house a lot more than I remember him doing before.  He and Spot used to bark, but not as much as he has been doing lately. He doesn’t have Daddy to keep  him line!

5 May 2020 Link and I on walk Parkway Park Alvarado TX

Lately I have been coping with anxiety that is associated with memories.  So much of my life is filled with my husband that with us being separated like we are, I have been having trouble.  Everything I do has a memory associated with him and that evokes a feeling of anxiety and longing in me,   Every part of the day from eating breakfast,  going for the morning walk, playing a video game we used to play and even taking a shower at night are all filled with memories…..ghosts of our shared past.   He  was and in my mind and heart still is, my everything.  I am having to make new patterns and I can feel myself resisting doing that.  I don’t want to figure out how to live my life without the man I love!  

My family has been reminding me that I have to stay in the now and quit going backwards to avoid those anxious feelings and it’s hard for me right now! I am sure God has a plan in all this but some of it sure seems to hurt!

I baked cupcakes yesterday to take out to him and the family for Memorial Day.   I had packed up a bunch of my kitchen stuff so it was nice to get it back out for that – to do something normal.  Hopefully the weather is going to cooperate.  They were talking about us getting potentially heavy rain tomorrow…..I hope not.  I have been looking forward to this for so long!  I miss my husband, Spot and most definitely seeing tangible family.

Not much else to write.  I’m trying to stay in the habit of writing as a part of my therapy and coping strategies.

Thank you for stopping by!

 

ghost” in the English Ordinal system equals 69

people” in the English Ordinal system equals 69

 

29 April 2020 Divine timing

Hello to you out there and I hope this finds you in a good place in your life.  If not, if for some reason this finds you in the shadow place of living, I hope that you will find a light space or a light space will find you.  That’s how it worked out for me with my recent journey.  It’s amazing how a bunch of shut doors can open a bunch of new ones and even reconnect you with people you had lost touch with.

There is a phrase divine timing that comes to mind with what happened with my Uncle Bill and I this morning.  My Aunt Ruth has sent him my blog to read and no sooner had he finished reading it, I fumbled with my new phone and “accidentally” called him!  The karma/divine timing was not lost on either of us with that one!  My Aunt and Uncle have watched my journey with mental health and how I have managed to climb back up after some deep dives.  They were both pleased to read my post and I appreciate their encouragement.

It’s amazing how many people you find out love and care for you once you get plugged back in to things.  I always find myself humbled and nearly unworthy of so much love and support!  Today I got to hear from and see some folks I had been missing and find out how strong our connections are.

Facebook has turned out to actually be useful to with this latest leg of my journey and it’s been a tool to reconnect with positive people in my life.  I had kind of shunned using it but am finding it not to be such a bad thing.

The big deal today was Link coming home to see me!  I missed him, Spot and my husband so much when I was away!  I drew pictures of them in my journals almost everyday!  We are testing the waters to see how things go for the next couple of weeks.  The hardest part of being gone was the back yard really went and grew tall with no one to maintain it.  I’m looking into getting a lawn service to tame it so it’s more Link “going out to do business friendly!”

29 April 2020 – pics of Link getting adjusted to be back home.  I love that he was enjoying a pillow we kept from when we had Sammy.

Here is what divine timing looks like in Gematria:

divine timing” in the English Ordinal system equals 135 – a creed or to bear fruit

one three five” in the English Ordinal system equals 132 – a life

one three two” in the English Ordinal system equals 148 – a tree

one four eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 143 – a choice

one four three” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 – a Joy

 

one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 – a food

one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 – a feeling

one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 – a one

one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 – a chance

Remember, this is just my interpretation. Gematria reading is very personal and may be different from person to person.  I find it interesting that it is in a 9 cycle.  When you add up 1 +3 +5 you get 9 and if you divide 9 by 2 (the night and day of existence and light and shadow of self), you get a repeating 9 pattern.  There is a certain element of “nein” (in German “no”) or denial about divine timing and things that happen with it!  People like to call it just a coincidence but is it always?  I don’t think so.

coincidence” in the English Ordinal system equals 84 – lesson, worth