5 December 2021 Sunday

Hello to you! How are you? I’m doing ok. I decided to take a break from the videos this morning and just write and draw. We have sunshine! So happy about that! I will have to get Link out for a walk later.

The drawing today is a combination of a bunch of things! I’m being told intuitively that the man isn’t Deegan this time. I have always thought of Jesus as having a skeleton key to all doors to include those within peoples hearts. What do you see in this drawing?

I was curious to see if keys are mentioned in the Bible and there are a couple references one of which is Matthew 16:19 “I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven;” and then the other is in Revelations 20:1 And I saw an Angel coming down out of heaven, having the key to the Abyss and holding in his hand a great chain.

A lot to think about.

It’s almost time to get another sketchbook or try color again. I have a sketchbook my Aunt bought for me awhile ago that you use colored markers with. Things don’t flow as confidentially when I use color. I’m always afraid I will make a mistake !

I raked a little more this morning. The leaves are all wet and heavy and there is Link “presents.” I don’t have any work gloves to pick the stuff up. I’ll get it figured out. I miss the Alvarado house sometimes – having a garage and all the tools I needed.

Not much else from here. I hope your having a nice day.

10 November 2021 Grandpa

From left to right my Grandpa Harold Becker with his brothers Herman and Robert. Robert turned 100 this year!

I am thinking of my Grandpa today. If you knew him he would have brought a smile to your face. He was always cracking jokes and laughing….”put your money where your mouth is kiddo!”

My Grandpa took his own life due to depression after a stroke back in September of 2000. When I found out he had done this I was worried about his soul. I asked God to show me he was alright and some time later I had this dream. I dreamt that my Grandpa was in my body and we danced! We danced with my first husband Ken. Then we told my Grandma who was his ex wife that I would see her on the other side. He told his wife Charlie that he was sorry for what he had done (taking his own life). Then we tripped and Grandpa popped out of my body. The next thing I saw was him way off in the distance preparing to go into a church. He yelled “there is life after death if you believe in Jesus Christ!” Then I woke up. That dream helped me so much!

I miss my Grandpa but feel certain he is ok. There has always been this belief that if you take your own life you are either going to hell or purgatory. The dream I had seemed to show something else. My Grandpa served God most of his life as a Pastor but after my Mom took her own life he really questioned everything he knew. I believe he lost his faith. He was so tormented about her death. I can remember as a little girl in the dining room of my house in Sioux Falls sitting with Grandpa and his just looking at me and sobbing “I’m so sorry!” I think he gave up on God but God didn’t give up on him. I don’t think my dream was just a coincidence. I asked God if Grandpa was ok and the answer was that he was. He just needed a little help!

“Open my mind God so that I might see that the path is short between you and me.”

6 November 2021 Where Does Energy Go

Good morning to you. It’s morning yet in my here and now. Hope this finds you doing well. I have my probably too sweet cup of coffee and my writing buddy Link. I’ve been thinking about something the past couple of days. It has to do with energy.

So you are sitting in a theater watching a movie with a bunch of of other people. The movie has really strong characters. You feel intently about these characters. You cry, you laugh, you get angry and may be even find yourself imagining being in the circumstances of the characters. Then it’s over. Roll credits. After the movie you talk about it. You might read about it in a magazine or on a news feed on your phone. Later comes the award shows and red carpet premiers of the people in the movie. The movie is released to the public and you buy a copy of the film. You watch it again at home . Sometimes you will think of specific lines from the movie and use them in your own life. Eventually comes the day the movie goes on a shelf and it’s not forgotten but superseded by another film. This process I’m talking about applies to television shows too.

What I’ve just described is a life.

There is a tremendous amount of energy focused on these characters born out of imagination. Where does all that energy go when we are done with it? Many of these characters become part of an actor or actress’s identity. They become known for the characters they play and some of those characters are so dark in their nature. I’m thinking of Heath Ledgers Joker and Aaliyahs Akashi. The darkness they bring is often lauded and emulated. It’s not contained on the screen. There is a sort of life lived through our living eyes… our bodies. Whether the character is good or bad they have achieved immortality. There is proof they existed.

It’s not just fictional characters that attain immortality. As I sit here I think of the trillions of “avatars” God has used through time. Some flashing for a mere second and others hours. Think about all the social media posts and YouTube. All those people and these days animals all immortalized. How about books ? Magazines, newspapers and photographs ?

All of us saying in numerous ways “Remember me!” “ I existed!” It kind of makes me ache inside. So much of what we are now is electronic. I have a hard drive full of important stuff and all it took was a couple drops on the tile and I can’t access that stuff anymore! All it takes is a cell phone to stop working and thousands of pictures are lost. The movie, television and book industry is a little more secure by making and selling millions of copies of their merchandise but even that is fading to live stream and online streaming . Existence is fragile in the electronic world. All it takes now is a power outage and tangible immortality is gone.

Where are we headed with all that we have created? I know it’s meant to be entertainment but sometimes it feels like I’m living in a world filled with golden calves. So much energy…so much adoration lavished on these imagined people and worlds. Giants on the big screen so we won’t be bored on our long journey to other worlds together.

To be “saved” usually means to accept Jesus Christ as your savior but what I see in our world is your image being saved on some device. If we didn’t have written copies of the Bible even Jesus would be lost in time. He said he would come back but didn’t say how. How many versions of his life have been made in television and movies?

A lot to think about here. Time keeps marching on. Technology keeps evolving. Where are we headed in out quest to survive? To not be lost in time? To not be bored?

1 November 2021 Conditional Love

Hi. I am home from an appointment with my therapist. Some really profound things came up. I had to write about it and hope may be something will resonate with you.

The first thing that came forth was when I was talking about my ex and how I was holding on to our past. How I felt like my holding on to our past was keeping me from moving forward . How I felt holding on to my past was a visceral thing I could actually feel in my head. Like an invisible force holding me back. Well my therapist said something pretty profound. She said “his love for you was conditional.” I felt that so deeply! I immediately felt a warmth in my chest. I thought of Jesus and unconditional love. How I had expected a human being to love me like Jesus and he just couldn’t. Lots of tears processing that! It was a truth I hadn’t considered.

The second thing was I have this huge circle of memories he and I shared and so many of them are good! Powerful! I am so afraid that if I go forward and make new memories that I will leave that past I love behind. I don’t want to let go. My therapist was like “ your holding on to nothing.” He went out of his way to get me a hard copy of the divorce decree. There is literally nothing to go back to! I have to move forward whether I want to or not. Again, more tears! When you talk things out it can bring forth really intense emotions. In case you didn’t already know for yourself, being divorced sucks!

I’m glad I drove to the office day!

21 October 2021 Labels

Hello! How are you today? It’s another crisp fall day. Many of the trees in our neighborhood have lost their leaves. A few have resisted and are vibrant shades of red and gold yet. My sidekick Link is here beside me. I’m so grateful for him.

Labels. I have them.

I am 53 years old and have been a product of the mental health system since about 1991. My primary diagnosis, the primary label is that I’m bipolar. If you are unfamiliar with that term it’s basically having high highs and low lows and the battle is to keep things in the middle or balanced. The primary medication I take is lithium. I’ve tried a lot of other drugs but they didn’t work. The other part of my particular label is anxiety and I take zyprexa for that.

This condition has really fucked my life up.

Something that happens to a bipolar person is what’s called episodes. We can get manic or really high and there really isn’t any reasoning with us. For me I got it in my head that I didn’t want to be on medication anymore. The past couple of years I was manic (high) and refused to take medication and be admitted to a hospital. There was a terrible price to be paid for that- my family was torn apart. I ended up losing my husband, one of my dogs and my house. Something similar happened to my first marriage.

So the common theme of my episodes was the spirit world. This last time I thought I was channeling spirits. People like me are vulnerable to these sorts of things. I wonder if my faith had been stronger if that sort of thing would of happened . There are energy forces at work in all directions. I felt like I was a play thing of these energies. I would get extremely angry. For about two months I was channeling a Joker like energy. It was exhausting because such an energy could see every side to an argument – it just went on and on! During one of my earliest episodes I thought I was Jesus! I guess that sort of thing is common with people like me .

I have been medically retired from the Air Force since 16 Sept 2002. I have not had a job since then. I have done volunteer work but it almost always ended up in a manic situation.

I’m sharing this part of myself to may be help someone else who is either like me or has someone like this in their life and they don’t know what to do.

https://youtu.be/snI9ggCp5xE – Bipolar wars channel on you tube

9 October 2021 Unconditional Love

Hello to you. How are you today? It’s a very sunny Saturday. The air is crisp and the trees are really starting to shed their leaves. I am blessed to have had a visit with family this morning.

This morning I’m thinking about unconditional love . What is it? Most times that kind of love gets associated with God and our pets and I think it’s because human beings let us down. There is only so much a human being can take. There is only so much a human being can give. How many times can you forgive someone who abuses you over and over again be it verbally or physically? It seems like only someone like Jesus can forgive like that.

I am experiencing a situation in my life where I am left wondering if I should try and be like Jesus or accept my humanity. I’m left struggling with this decision. I know that if I continue to try and love and care about this person it will damage me. My self preservation is kicking in.

Are human beings even capable of what Jesus asked of us? To love our neighbors as ourselves? Does it mean I don’t love myself if I don’t love my neighbor? If I stop loving my neighbor?

When is it ok to think of yourself when it comes to abusive relationships? What would Jesus do ? Would he just keep forgiving ? That’s kind of what he modeled for us: “forgive them father they know not what they do.”

Is the concept of unconditional love even a realistic concept for the human being of today? Was it ever? Or was it just a concept to aspire to ? When do you give up on someone ?

Then there is the concept of tough love but that is still conditional love. Where you love somebody only if they meet certain criteria’s. It seems like the only place unconditional love can be found is from nonhuman sources.

I guess that’s why God. The only being in the universe that will love you no matter what you do or say is God. I have to caveat this though. Depending on what version of God also determines if there is unconditional love or not. Some people’s God is Old Testament hellfire and brimstone God. If it hadn’t been for Jesus we were all going to hell!

I will continue to pray about this. I would be interested to get feedback. Do you think human beings are capable of unconditional love ?

16 September 2021 Help

Hello! How are you today ? I am doing ok.

This morning I did something that I haven’t done in a long time, I called for help . I didn’t call on just anyone but I called on Jesus. I focused my whole entire being on this call and I felt the response in my heart ! It was like a wound closed inside of me.

I have been reluctant about Jesus for a long time but apparently he’s not been reluctant about me ! May be my concept of God has been too big . For the past several years my concept of God has been that God is energy , that God is “all.”

The problem I’ve had with Jesus is no one has physically risen from the dead again like he and Lazarus did . He promised he would come back but what is time to a God! He didn’t say how he would return what if he already has many times but been denied as a lunatic? What if he returned as a she?!!

I guess all I can do right now is be thankful for the relief of my internal suffering. If I had called out to any other deity would I have felt the same?! May be God was expecting my call and was waiting to see if I would call Jesus ?!!

Being healed

31 August 2021 Gathered

Hello to you. How are you ? I am doing pretty good this morning . I did something different and really enjoyed it . Today I’m thinking of the Bible passage New International Version
For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” My Aunt invited me to a short Bible study today with one of her dear friends. There was just the three of us .

It really felt good to talk about God and read from psalms (psalm 145) which is the last psalm written by David and psalm 104 which was our hostesses favorite. It felt nice to get out of the house and spend some time with a couple of women who truly love God and have a strong testimony in how God has worked on their lives.

I honestly didn’t want it to end! My drawing today is symbolic of what we did today .

8 March 2020 Be still, do nothing and say a prayer

Hello to you, how are you ? Today started out rough. I just didn’t want to do anything but stay in bed. I tried to “scare it away” like before but I just couldn’t shake the feelings I was having. I can’t raise my voice or yell without scaring Link so that’s the other thing. I had about given up on the day when I got a text from a new friend I made from a Codependency telephone group. She was having a rough day herself and just needed to touch base with a friend. Taking in to account something I had just recently heard Joyce Meyer say and what I had learned from my own experience I asked her if she would like to talk about it and so she called me. Sometimes by being a blessing to someone else in a time of need, we ourselves are blessed and such was the case here.

We shared each others problems and whittled them down to the sweet spot – Jesus – God and how sometimes when we don’t know what else to do we just have to be still, do nothing and pray. We decided it would be a good idea to say some prayers about the situation she was facing and it really felt good to do that. In her time of trial she was a blessing to me. Just talking to her got me up and out of bed!

This friend is the second in the past couple of days to tell me why they are a Christian and give their testimony to me. I had prayed about this before bed last night! “God, Jesus, show yourself to me” I believe God answered and these answers actually warmed my heart and gave me hope.

I’m curious what the title I chose reflects in the numbers:

Be still, do nothing and say a prayer ” in the English Ordinal system equals 333 (yes, no may be x3! not exactly serenity in the numbers) I just looked at phone and it’s 3:33 pm lol go figure.

6 March 2021 Spirit

Hello, how are you? Todays topic arises out of something I watched yesterday – a Pow Wow on Youtube. People participating in the Pow Wow talked about being filled with the Spirit while they danced. I can relate to that feeling. When I used to dance in the backyard in Texas I felt like I was full of the Spirit too. I thought it was interesting that these two are alike in the numbers!

Jesus Christ” in the English Ordinal system equals 151

Holy spirit” in the English Ordinal system equals 151

Holy Spirit

Holy Spirit

In Abrahamic religions, the Holy Spirit is an aspect or agent of God, by means of which God communicates with people or acts on them.

Great Spirit (slife.org) – click on this link to read more

The Great Spirit, by way of the spiritual leaders, is looked to for spiritual and cultural guidance on both an individual and community level.

Last year about this time I felt like I was full of what I thought was the Spirit. It turns out it was more like I was full of multiple spirits. I found out first hand that if you don’t have a particular path of spirituality, you can get hijacked by spirits and or energies without a form. I found out the air is just full of spirits with voices. I can remember one day a huge flock of blackbirds landed in a tree out back and I started “translating” what they were saying . Another time a spider and it’s baby landed on my arm and they had a voice. Each part of creation is a fragment of God with a voice. I know that sounds weird but that’s what happened. I think this is part of the reason my husband left me because I just wouldn’t shut up! He couldn’t get any sleep. There was always someone wanting to talk from young to old and all sorts of different languages.

What I had done was to ask God to speak to me in a way that I could understand and it turns out EVERYTHING was God and EVERYTHING had something to say! I guess I was porous and was not only surrounded by spirits but they got inside of me. There are so many sources of energy for which a spirit can obtain energy. In reflection of it all, I don’t know if that was just my mind being delusional or if it was a real phenomenon. Since I have been back on my medication this spirit business hasn’t been happening. Be careful what you ask God!

Some of the spirit business was in my dreams last night I had a vivid dream last night about a haunted house, seeing my dog Sam in his yellow hoodie and then wanting to see my husband who looked like Jesus but not being able to see him. Probably just my mind grappling with what was my reality. Before bed I had seen a preview of a Pureflix movie about Jesus and that must have been a key to unlock the dream I had.

I have been praying for a reestablishing of a relationship between me and specifically the Holy Spirit so we’ll see what God has in mind. May be it’s just dreams for now.