27 September 2021 Early Riser

Hello! How are you? I’m sitting out in the morning sun and it feels good. This morning has been a bit of mental gymnastics.

Morning anxiety

I am having trouble writing today. Thankfully there is the morning sun and it feels good against my skin. Some days I feel so out of sorts ! It seems to come out of nowhere and all I can do is ride through it . Is it this?! Is it that?! Walk around the block a couple of times. Eat an extra meal ! I’ll figure it out !!

24 September 2021 Plans

Hello there! How are you ? It’s starting out to be a nice day. I’m sitting on my front porch and it’s a cool 52 degrees! The morning sun makes it really comfortable . I got my mile walk in.

So in a few hours I have plans to go with my friend to a pumpkin patch in Kuna. I’m really looking forward to it . When you live alone like I do, having plans to do something is a big deal. It’s nice to have someone to go do things with.

I wish we could take Link but he gets a little too fired up about strangers .

Links morning plans

The morning beams reach to the vaulted sky, off to distant corners the birds stretch and fly . I look to faraway paths I haven’t tread, I listen for whispers of stanzas I haven’t said. There is a plan unseen floating before my day, I reach into the ether for the scripted play.

23 September 2021 Peaceful

Hello to you! How are you today? I’m doing alright . I had this blog all finished a few minutes ago but I decided to discard it. I don’t know why I guess it just wasn’t what I wanted to post!

Wtf? Why did you delete it ?!

I wanted to talk about a feeling I got last night . For the first time in a long time I felt peace and contentment . I went to sleep and woke up with that feeling and it was so awesome . No emotional or physical pain! True peace . I wonder if it was spending time with my friend yesterday . We went to Red Robin for burgers and had a really nice visit. I got lots of hugs !

Oh to still the churning waters of my soul, to calm the anxiety stained winds that always seem to blow. A simple gesture of the warm embrace, to stop time and put a smile on my face. A remedy as old as can be, someone lovingly holding on to me .

I don’t know if there is a perfect formula for peace. If there was we would have a whole lot fewer doctors and pill bottles . I know part of my peace comes from God through other people . A simple thing like a hug means so much to me . I think there is a lot of power having two hearts close together .

21 September 2021 Mantra

Hello! How are you today? I hope you are doing well . I am trying to stay in the present moment and stay positive. It’s a beautiful fall morning .

This morning I could feel some anxiety creeping in. I mentally asked for help in relieving it and the answer was “say the mantra.” The only thing I had memorized was the Lords Prayer and Hail Mary so I started saying those over and over. By doing that my anxiety thoughts and feelings were interrupted . When I would stop, the anxiety “stuff” would return.

Doodles
Last nights chalking

So then it was time to get up and go for a walk and I was still feeling the anxiety. I decided to just think like a cheerleader! “Let’s do this! “ “We got this!” Anything to relieve the discomfort that anxiety makes me feel! Mornings are rough for me . That tactic worked for a little while!

I have never been good about meditating . I have a monkey mind or “wild mind.” It just goes all over the place! So it was interesting that the help suggested became a combination of Buddhism and Christianity!

Do you have a mantra or prayer that you say that helps you when you are having anxiety ? What helps you quiet things down ?

20 September 2021 Reflections

Good day to you ! How are you ? It’s getting really chilly here at night already . I don’t know about you but when it’s chilly it’s hard to get out of bed!! I am kind of procrastinating going and getting groceries – not one of my favorite things to do !

So anyhew…….it’s Monday again. The days are going so fast and it’s not even that I’m really busy. It just feels like this year has gone fast. Just this time last year I wasn’t sure I would have a place to live and sitting here now I have a little house . I wasn’t sure of a lot of things and there have been answers! I am not alone !

The morning comes with its familiar light, My Pandora mind opens and my thoughts take flight. I seek the comfort of an invisible friend, a God who assures me they will be with me til the end. The voice that comes is comforting and clear, he says everything I am longing to hear. I find myself wishing they would stay but like the morning he just fades away .

19 September 2021 Oddball

Hello to you ! How are you this Sunday morning ? I am hoping for more rain so my car will be clean again ! We got just enough of a spittle to turn my car into a mud ball .

My thoughts are inspired by my drawing today….being an odd ball. Not being like everybody else. Most of my life I have been the one that doesn’t fit in. It’s not that I didn’t look the fitting in part it’s what was going on inside of me. I was a goth girl before it was a thing. I used to visit cemeteries and talk to animals all the time. I can remember looking in the mirror and wondering who was behind my eyes .

In my drawing I am the one standing alone looking at all those who are in line. I never quite fit in to the group. It’s usually because I don’t want to have to compromise my beliefs and or thoughts so that I will fit in.

Oddball spirit

For as long as I can remember it’s been this way for me. I was an outsider in school and in the military . The only time I really belonged is when I did sports. I was a runner and played volleyball . There is a camaraderie to sports that you don’t find in other group settings . I might have to consider sports again once Covid settles down again.

Nowadays my being an oddball has to do with having so many mental health labels. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am not those labels – they don’t define who I am as a person . The labels are for the doctors ! I sometimes let my labels rule my life and I miss out on things as a result .

I have always been a little odd, my ways a mystery to most everyone but God. My eyes a mirror within a hall of windows, my spirit trapped between life and the gallows. Walking between worlds tangible and the unseen, a balancing act of sweet and mean . I am indeed odd but that is between me and God ……

18 September 2021 Happiness

Hello there! How are you ? I just finished my second cup of coffee and have been sitting here contemplating what to write about. Sometimes things don’t flow so easily .

A lot has been swirling in my mind, not all of it kind. Forwards and backwards around and around, my thoughts like a heavy traffic sound. Horns and engines revving loud, oh how to please the crowd…….

So my thoughts turn to happiness and how hard it is for me to answer when someone asks me what makes me happy. I guess it’s a true sign of codependency that I cannot answer easily! People ask me what I like to do and I draw a blank almost every time. There is very little of this world that truly “makes me happy.”

If I’m to be completely honest though what makes me happy is a relationship with God. It’s not putting my head in the Bible, going to church or doing a bunch of charity . It’s everyday things like waking up and feeling God’s presence. Going for a walk and feeling like God is walking with me. Drawing a picture and writing this blog; feeling like it’s a collaboration with God. True happiness coming from feeling at one with God. Everything else is just fluff really.

Where I have felt happiest and closest to God has been outside. When I lived in Texas we had a nice backyard and I felt like it was like having an outdoor church. It was small and I felt safe. Down the street was a park with a man made pond I used to like to go to . I haven’t found anyplace like that here yet.

Doing this blog brings me a fleeting happiness . I feel like for a few minutes I’m contributing to the world I live in! Like I’m doing something that matters. I feel close to God writing and get sad when I have to wrap things up . It’s like having a visit with a friend and you don’t want it to end !

I didn’t draw a picture yet today. Today was just about words . They are just flowing. I am happy. I don’t want our visit to end!

I was happy what seems a long time ago, time seemed to stand still it moved very slow. The trees whispered secrets and the clouds melted in my hands, the wasp carrying the spider made no demands. Everything in my natures church had a place, spirits and wisps made an appearance without a face . I long for those never ending conversations I had with God, until those days return onward I will trod.

17 September 2021 Decisions

Hello, how are you today as you visit me here? It got down into the 30’s this morning! I’m so not ready for cold!!

My drawing for today and thoughts turn to making decisions. For every decision needing to be made there are three answers that can be given yes, no and may be. You would say may be isn’t a decision and you would be right! It’s a mental pause, making a space for a definitive answer. So many things in life are vague!

It’s not often that I can give a yes or no answer right away. I see so many sides to an equation! This is especially the case when other people are involved . I will think whether or not my decision will hurt the other person- there is a cascade effect . Feelings will often complicate things! Sometimes it would be nice to be a Vulcan from Star Trek and just use logic to make decisions. If that were the case there would be no may be’s!! It would be here are the facts, make a decision.

Sometimes it’s hard to make a clear cut decision

Some of the quandary comes from my spirituality . How many times to decide to forgive or are we always supposed to forgive? When do you stop forgiving someone ? I don’t think God wants me to be a doormat ! I have been spending a lot of time in may be on forgiveness.

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16 September 2021 Help

Hello! How are you today ? I am doing ok.

This morning I did something that I haven’t done in a long time, I called for help . I didn’t call on just anyone but I called on Jesus. I focused my whole entire being on this call and I felt the response in my heart ! It was like a wound closed inside of me.

I have been reluctant about Jesus for a long time but apparently he’s not been reluctant about me ! May be my concept of God has been too big . For the past several years my concept of God has been that God is energy , that God is “all.”

The problem I’ve had with Jesus is no one has physically risen from the dead again like he and Lazarus did . He promised he would come back but what is time to a God! He didn’t say how he would return what if he already has many times but been denied as a lunatic? What if he returned as a she?!!

I guess all I can do right now is be thankful for the relief of my internal suffering. If I had called out to any other deity would I have felt the same?! May be God was expecting my call and was waiting to see if I would call Jesus ?!!

Being healed

15 September 2021 Driving

Hello ! How are you today? I am sitting outside on my porch enjoying some sun . It was in the 40’s this morning!

This mornings topic is driving. Ever since my ex husband moved out last January and my car accident on Christmas Day I have lost my confidence in driving. The mere thought of having to drive someplace new nearly puts me in a panic attack . I can’t even completely explain why!

May be in writing this blog I can help myself get to the core of why ? One of the excuses I often used and in some ways it’s legitimate is I don’t want to leave Link alone . When I lived in Texas and with my ex we had two dogs. So even if we were going to be gone, the dogs weren’t completely alone .

The other excuse I use is of course getting into the accident . I had never been in an accident before . It really shook my confidence! I have found myself not wanting to drive here !

The last excuse is gas is frickin expensive ! Over $4 a gallon! I have to have a really good excuse to want to go someplace .

Anyhew! Writing about this has helped me see that I have a lot of excuses that have kind of worn out their welcome! I’m feeling like I’m getting closer to change !