16 September 2020 Being Realistic

Hello there, how are you today?  I’m writing to you while I am cuddling with Link where we are all warm and fuzzy.  It was in the 40’s again this morning!  I didn’t wear a jacket but I certainly could have.  The skies are still ashen gray with all the fires surrounding the state.

This morning my Aunt and I were talking about some things and the phrase being realistic stuck with me.  I used to be, especially when I’m manic, like to live in a fantasy world and start connecting dots that don’t belong together.  Part of the connecting the dots is my living in a nonsensical world and trying to make sense of it!  I can take seemingly random pieces of my life and piece them together and they make sense—to me.

The other part of being realistic has to do with relationships.  I am wanting to meet someone and fill the void that was created by the end of my marriage.  I have to keep in mind that realistically no one is going to be able to do that.  So I am having to accept that it may be awhile until I find someone compatible comes along; they have huge shoes to fill.

I was married to a man who was able to be home a lot and keep me company.   We believed that it was more important to be together than to make a lot of money.  We were rarely apart. With the separation and divorce I had to go from that to the life I’m living now; it has been rough.  Realistically, whomever I am with has to be able to work and I have to be able to be independent.  For some reason I lost my independence in my relationship with my husband.  I am starting to think it goes all the way back to my early retirement from the military and subsequent divorce.  I jumped right into my relationship with my current husband without taking time to heal.  Now I am having to process aspects of both failed marriages at once.  I lost my self confidence and self esteem having my career and marriage fall apart like it did.  Now, with this current failed marriage, my self esteem has been completely shattered.

being realistic” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (ironically a 13 in here) one yes, no, may be yes,no, may be existence. the=33)

one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one left side brain all vices in check but one existence. body =46)

one four six” in the English Ordinal system equals 146

divorce” in the English Ordinal system equals 76 (my maiden name matches this number !)

shattered” in the English Ordinal system equals 100 (this number looks like a person, place or object destroyed)

self esteem” in the English Ordinal system equals 109 (one person, place, thing and “no” existence)

failed marriage” in the English Ordinal system equals 109 ( I thought it curious this number matches self esteem)

Let go and let God” in the English Ordinal system equals 141

I am having to do a lot of letting go and letting God these days!

26 August 2020 Medication and Development

Hello to you today.  How are you? I sincerely hope wherever and whenever you are visiting life is treating you well.

As for me…well….I wish I could say I am doing great! Fantastic! I am all better!  Such is not the case every morning.  Ever since I left the hospital 27 April of this year I have been changed.  I am trying to move forward and move on with so may things.  I would never of imagined then that I would be in my Aunts house writing this now.

My medication is a big part of what is going on for me.  Some times it feels like it isn’t working at all and other days I can’t imagine being without it!  Being bipolar affects me on so many levels.  Some days, some moments I feel like I could handle just about anything and then just one minor blip and nope can’t handle anything.  I find myself grasping about for someone….anyone to talk to so I can work through what I am feeling.

Looking at medication as a number and patterns it’s pretty interesting how accurate it is at describing the process:

medication” in the English Ordinal system equals 93 (ironically my short name in the numbers, Jackie = 39! no yes, no, may be process)

nine three” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (no in eternity and or racetrack of life)

nine eight ” in the English Ordinal system equals 91 (no for one also this number is spirit)

nine one” in the English Ordinal system equals 76 (all vices in check and all vices in check but one and it’s my maiden name!)

seven six ” in the English Ordinal system equals 117 ( two separate ones of self all vices in check)

one one seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (one in a yes, no may be and yes, no may be process)

one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one right side of the brain all vices in check but one)

Thinking of development and change. Something I have noticed since moving here to Idaho is growth.  A lot of farmers seem to be selling their land to housing developers.  I am just going to look at the phrase housing development:

housing development” in the English Ordinal system equals 224 (light and shadow self process of self with light and shadow process of self with right side of the brain)

two two four” in the English Ordinal system equals 176 (one all vices in check with all vices in the check but one)

one seven six” in the English Ordinal system equals 151 (one all senses of one)

one five one” in the English Ordinal system equals 110 (one in one with object)

one one zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 132 (one with yes, no, may be with light and shadow of self)

one three two” in the English Ordinal system equals 148 (one left side brain in eternity and or racetrack of life)

one four eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 143 (one left side brain in yes, no may be process)

one four three” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all senses and object)

one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 (one left side brain and object)

one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 (one all senses in eternity and or racetrack of life)

one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one in light and shadow of self all senses)

one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes, no, may be with right side of brain)

 

farming ” in the English Ordinal system equals 68  (all vices in check but one in eternity and or racetrack of life)

(planet” in the English Ordinal system equals 68)

six eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 101 (one object in the center one )

one zero one ” in the English Ordinal system equals 132  (one with yes, no, may be with light and shadow of self)

 

farm” in the English Ordinal system equals 38 (yes, no may be in eternity and or racetrack of life)

(“balance” in the English Ordinal system equals 38)

 

world” in the English Ordinal system equals 72 (all vices in check with the light and shadow of self process )

(“money ” in the English Ordinal system equals 72)

 

(pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony, and sloth,  – these are the vices I am thinking of )

 

 

 

 

 

22 August 2020 Privacy, Security and Alone

Hello to you it’s Saturday how are you doing?  I hope things are going well for you .  I have had a significant change to my lifestyle moving in with my aunt and uncle.  I don’t have privacy like I used to have but I do have security and I am not alone .  I am grateful for the change because for a couple of months I was living a strange existence nearly completely alone! Thank goodness I had Link.   As much as quarantine sucks, it is like security by definition in the numbers!  I was surprised by that.

In looking at a couple key words it’s interesting to see how closely they match the actual definition of the words:

privacy” in the English Ordinal system equals 94 (no process, right side of brain)

nine four” in the English Ordinal system equals 102 (one object in a light and shadow process of self)

one zero two” in the English Ordinal system equals 156 (one sensory all he vices in check but one)”

one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128 (one light and shadow process of self in eternity)

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (one left brain process for one)

 

security” in the English Ordinal system equals 120 (one light and shadow process of self with unknown)

one two zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 156 (one sensory all he vices in check but one)”

one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128 (one light and shadow process of self in eternity)

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (one left brain process for one)

(“quarantine ” in the English Ordinal system equals 120)

 

alone” in the English Ordinal system equals 47 (left side of the brain all vices in check)

four seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one light and shadow process of self with the senses)

 

 

 

 

 

 

21 August 2020 Getting Through Today

Hello to you, how are you?  I am living in a surreal world right now with the fires.  This morning while I was cutting the grass the sun was red!  So weird!  I didn’t take a picture of it but I’m sure somebody somewhere did!

Getting Through The Day” in the English Ordinal system equals 242 (light and shadow process for the brain to process light and shadow)

cat ” in the English Ordinal system equals 24

 self” in the English Ordinal system equals 42

brain” in the English Ordinal system equals 44

As I sit here it has been hard to come up with something to write about.  My writing a blog is part of how I get through my day  and sometimes there are only a few words to say.  So much of my life I have had to discard because of what happened during my last episode.  So I am having to sift through the wreckage and retrieve what is worth retrieving.  My dear friend calls it reclaiming my life and it’s a slow process.

What of my life do I seek to realistically reclaim?

to reclaim a life” in the English Ordinal system equals 129 (one light and shadow process with “no” process)

There is a lot of my life I am afraid to try to reclaim, a lot of  the “no” process wrapped up in it.

It never ceases to amaze me how the number values reflect a truth that cannot come from a common definition or way of defining something by itself.

 

 

 

 

19 August 2020 Communication

Hello to you.  How are you doing today?  I am doing better than I was a few minutes ago. Mornings are really rough for me.  I keep having feelings like I’m being pulled apart inside and it’s a horrible feeling.  So what I do is go back my bedroom and do stuff like this and it kind of helps keep me from pulling apart completely.

Communication is helpful.  I am starting to understand why people are addicted to their cell phones and other electronic devices.  If it’s like for me, it’s a lifeline to the world.  My cell phone and laptop help get me out of myself and connected with others so I don’t feel so alone. I never used to be this bad about being alone until I came out of the hospital this last time.

Decided to run a couple things through the gematria calculator got interesting results:  ridingthebeast.com

communication is important” in the English Ordinal system equals 304 (yes no may be in the unknown for the brain) also another way to look at it is one with brain in between.

electronic devices help with loneliness” in the English Ordinal system equals 396 (yes no may be with no process of all vices in check but one).

electronic devices help with communication” in the English Ordinal system equals 422(brain process process) also self(42) process.

communication by talking to another human being is helpful” in the English Ordinal system equals 569 (why people).  why” in the English Ordinal system equals 56 “people” in the English Ordinal system equals 69

Nomophobia” in the English ordinal system equals 108 (one unknown in eternity and or the race track of life) I also look at zero as an object that the numbers surround if that makes sense.

Drawing I did recently sorry it’s hard to see 

Nomophobia –

Wikipedia icon

Wikipedia

Nomophobia is a humorous word for the fear of, or anxiety caused by, not having a working mobile phone. It has been considered as a symptom or syndrome of problematic digital media use in mental health, the definitions of which are not standardized.

14 August 2020 Overwhelmed

Hello to you it’s Friday.  Another week has ended.  I hope this finds you well wherever and whenever you are.  I am feeling a bit overwhelmed to be honest.  Yesterday we both got our house on the market and a bid all at once.  There were lots of digital documents to sign and I didn’t even know what I’m signing.  The asking price is $200,000 and the bid $195,000.  When I initially thought about selling the house it was to sell it “as is” so anything above what we paid is a bonus.

I like things to be simple and uncomplicated and something like this can be overwhelming for me.  Thank goodness I have cousins in real estate and friends that are willing to to talk to me to help me get through this.

overwhelmed” in the English Ordinal system equals 130 (one, yes no may be process, with the unknown)

selling a home” in the English Ordinal system equals 120 (one, light and shadow process, with the unknown)

selling your home” in the English Ordinal system equals 198 (one, no process with eternity and or racetrack of life)

anxiety ” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (interesting how anxiety’s numeric value is in selling your home)

 

6 August 2020 Resistance

Hello to you.  How are you?  I hope you are well.  The word that came up today is resistance.  I have been resisting some things because a part of me doesn’t want to believe this is my life now the way that it is.

resistance” in the English Ordinal system equals 113 and look at that it’s a 13 in there!  I was born on 13 February!

The biggest thing I have been resisting is the fact, and it is a fact, that I am a not a guest here in Idaho and I’m not going back to Texas.  It’s simply my reality now.  My stuff is in a storage unit here and the rest of my belongings to include Link are with me here in Idaho.   I’m not going back. I really can’t go back.  Once the house is sold that’s it for me and Texas.  There are so many memories to overlay with new memories.

I can tell when I am resisting because I get hot flashes and also feel like I am being split into two parts.  I don’t want to keep feeling this way so I have redirect my thoughts to the present moment.

Does any of this resonate with someone else?  I hope that some or all of what I’m sharing helps someone else as much as it helps me to write about it.

5 August 2020 Surreality

Hello and good morning to you wherever and whenever you visiting me here.  How are you?  I am kind of in a weird space right now which I’m calling surreality.   It’s the funny place you are in when you are in between reality and not really feeling things are real yet.

For most of the time I have been here at my Aunt and Uncles place things have felt like surreality.  The biggest reason being that I am still tethered back in Alvarado with the house and memories.  A part of me has been resisting the move and keeps wanting me to go back.  I know I can’t now with all that has happened or if I tried it would be extremely difficult!  I have to move forward now and I am not sure what that will look like,

I have to take each moment as it comes and hope it’s better than the last.  I have made a ‘ll new friend I am meeting Saturday and I’m nervous about it but hoping it will be worth both of our whiles.  I need to make more memories in my present so I can start putting the past behind me and stop feeling like I am being pulled apart.

 

surreality” in the English Ordinal system equals 148 (one brain process in eternity and or on the race track of life)

God has a plan” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (together=98)

4 Aug 2020 It’s hard to practice what you preach

Good morning and hello to you wherever and whenever you are,  Its a new day and I am finding myself wondering what to do with it!  So I decided to write a bit.  The topic that came to mind is about how hard it is to practice what you tell other people to do – to put into practice what you preach.

For so many years I was in a happy space and everything was relatively easy and it was from that frame of mind that I did this blog.  When I had my husbands support I felt like I could do anything. Now I am on my own and I feel a lot differently.  I feel like the foundation to me has been removed and I am on a shifting surface.  So I am having to figure out how to support myself and it’s hard.

I have a dear friend who has been trying to help me be my own “safe person.”  For several months now she has been that person for me but she had to go back to work  She described herself as training wheels for me.  What’s funny is I was never the person that my family has been getting to know.  They didn’t know the confident, strong, self-reliant me at least not in person.  I used to be able to do a lot without having my hands held and now that is all changed. Now everything seems to be a big deal!

Staying in the present moment is particularly difficult with my mind that keeps wanting to drag me back to the past.  At age 52 I have a lot of past to sift through for every moment of the day.  As if late, I keep going back to Alvarado and the house and I have to let that go soon!

I used to be the one to dispense all kinds of advice and pep talks and now I am on the receiving end of  it and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn’t, it just makes it worse.  For someone to talk to me, it’s like they have to walk through a field of landmines of conversations that will blow up and provoke anxiety.

Practice what you preach” in the English Ordinal system equals 239 (Jackie is in this=39)

two three nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 156

one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141

What I am finding too is that since all this has happened everything makes me so sensitive.  This includes food and drink.  I have been off coffee and tea for several months now because of the jitters I get from my blood sugar changing.  I am having to learn how to eat and drink again.

Bottom line to all of this I’ve written is I am having learn how to live again because the life I had is gone.  I have to believe God has a plan for me just not sure what it is yet.

 

 

2 Aug 2020 Absence

Hello to you visitor.  It has been a long time since I have blogged here.  I just haven’t felt like writing.  I got encouraged to write by a dear friend so I am trying.  So many pieces of my life I have yet to reclaim since the divorce started and my moving to Idaho.  I still can’t really watch too much tv, movies, listen to music and or sing,  read much of anything and my hobbies are all on the backburner.  Everything I used to do was part of the episode just before I went into the hospital this last time.  So my life, as my dear friend describes, is very constricted.

Another part of all this is I still feel love for my husband who has divorced me.   Everything makes me think of him! Today we went to a park that had water features and a rose garden with a steam engine train and I immediately associated all of it with my husband.  I broke down into tears. Thankfully I was with my friend and she made it safe for me to express my feelings.  Towards the end of our time together things got ugly but before that there were so many good times.  What’s happened to me is like processing a death and it’s painful.

Another thing that keeps happening is feeling like I am in two places at once.  Part of of me is here and part of me is still back in Alvarado.  So much happened there!  Kyle and I loved and lost four of our pets there in addition to so many other memories.  I grew very fond of the trees and plants in the yard.  I didn’t think I would miss them but I do.  It will take time and some day I will have my own place again and a friend suggested plants and therapy.

Link has adjusted to our new home better than I have!  Life is much simpler for a dog than us dumb humans and all our memories and baggage!

My coping mechanisms of walking and talking still are working.  I also chat yet and that helps some.  Gradually I will reclaim my life and thank God I don’t have to do it alone.

 

ABSENCE” in the English Ordinal system equals 49

four nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 102

one zero two” in the English Ordinal system equals 156

one five six ” in the English Ordinal system equals 128

one two eight ” in the English Ordinal system equals 141