Hello to you. Hope this finds you well. Each day my online therapist app Better Health has a suggested topic. Todays topic had to do with what communication looks like. A phrase that came to mind almost immediately was “use your words.” Sometimes I don’t have the clarity I’d like to properly communicate things. This has been happening as I’ve tried to explain what I’m experiencing on a daily basis with the Mal de barque syndrome stuff. People ask me if I’m feeling better with swaying and stuff and the answer is usually no. Like this morning I had a dizzy spell like vertigo. It was very brief – when I rolled over in bed.
I’m scheduled for an MRI on the 19th of April to see what’s going on inside my head. Hopefully nothing that can’t be fixed.
I’ve had a lot of people praying for me through this. I am so grateful for the love and support from my family and friends. God must have some sort of plan in all this.
Hello to you. How are you? I’m pretty much the same. This morning my Aunt and I went to a neurologist appt. He did tests to see my reflex response like tapping my knees and wrists and touching the bottom of my feet. He couldn’t find anything so wants to do an MRI and see if anything shows up to explain why I’m experiencing the swaying motion when I walk. He was familiar with Mal de barque syndrome but wasn’t aware of any connection between getting tased and brain and nerve damage. So we shall see what happens.
I was grateful to have my Aunt there with me. When I was married, I had my husband with me all the time. Now that I’m divorced I have to rely on family and they are so happy to help! I am truly grateful and blessed to have supportive family and friends.
Lately I’ve been noticing a lot of social media posts from people from my generation reflecting on what it’s been like growing up when we did. I was born in 1968 and it really is amazing how much we have advanced in some ways and regressed in others. With people living longer there is a mich mesh of generations co-existing at the same time. There is a lot of overlapping between generations. A lot of people seem to want things to go back to “normal” and as I see it what we are experiencing is our new normal. Everyone just wants to do and be what they want but there are forces pushing back against it. Specifically the LGBTQ+ agenda. As a woman who has struggled at times with being born a woman and accepting my lot in life I sometimes get jealous of women who have decided to go through with trans surgery. Specifically top surgery I hate having large breasts. A lot of these types of folks end up on Tik Tok and I am drawn to their pages and stories. One person I was drawn to, can’t remember there name but they laid it out that if you are identifying as trans it is a mental illness. You have to get an official diagnosis in order to go forth with trans surgery and hormone therapy. I had never heard someone say that before. I have found drag queens fascinating. My ex and I used to watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race. Most of the contestants were gay and some trans. You don’t just wake up one day and decide these things. Most seem to know early on that they are different. I was probably 5 or 6 years old when I remember telling my Grandma I was supposed to be a boy. I was one of two female grandchildren, the rest were boys. So it makes sense I would think that. I am glad to be a woman despite the drawbacks! When I was a teenager I was anorexic and bulemic and really thin and athletic but struggled with my weight. I had short hair and was often mistaken for a boy! Anyhew it’s interesting to see the generations getting older clashing in social media. Terms like identifying as binary and stuff I just don’t understand. To me, from my own experience, everybody just seems to be trying to belong…to find their tribe. I am trying to find mine again. I had one in Texas but it split apart. I am attending a Bible study with a nice group of women from church. As welcoming as they are I still don’t feel like I fit in. Is team Jesus my tribe? Just as I am?
Since my last psychotic break or episode it’s been really quiet for me spiritually, mentally and physically. As I’ve mentioned before I get real tired easily and that’s probably due to being overweight. There is more of me to lug around. The medications I’m on have brought about silence in the creativity department and my spirituality is quiet too. I’m having trouble finding my tribe – who or what do I belong when at times I don’t have the clarity to express a single thought? This post is the longest I’ve done in a while!
Generation X seems like I’m part of a broken generation. A generation of people that worked until they got broken so now our days are made up of medical appts and new diagnosis! I have seen and experienced so much brokenness. Everything from being born when Martin Luther King was killed to stuff like Columbine, Sandyhook, the Challenger explosion and 9/11. The technology boom in just a short time. I remember computer data being processed on punch cards! I’m 55 years old and sometimes I feel ancient when I reflect on all I’ve lived through. God must have some use for me yet!
I’ll close for now. Just reflecting and thinking about where I’m at and where I want to head this leg of my journey.
Hello to you. Hope this finds you well. I’m just home from joining my Aunt and Uncle at Golden Corral in Nampa ID and members of their life group from church (Grace Bible Church Nampa). I never eat my moneys worth at buffet restaurants but it was nice and the food was decent. I quit eating when I was full which can be hard at such a place with its endless supply for you to gorge yourself on!
It was nice to meet some more people – all older than me. Most of the people my age are still working so I don’t see them except like Tuesday’s Women’s Bible study I’ve been going to and church services when I go. I am wanting to have a sense of belonging and my Aunt tries to help me with that. It doesn’t help that I get tired so easily – the Mal de barque syndrome – all my movements are exaggerated and I feel like I’m lugging around so much extra weight ( which I am!) I feel so out of shape and sluggish. Even after a month using the Steve Harvey drink powder (L’elevate you) I still don’t feel much different.
Hello to you. How are you today? Link and I are getting some vitamin D. The past couple days it’s been really nice outside so we’ve been taking advantage of it.
I decided to join a Bible study starting tonight and they are using the devotional Beauty not Beheld. This is out of my comfort zone but I decided to give it a try anyways. I have been wanting to make friends and get out of the house more and it seems like church activities is a way to do both. I find spiritual activities with women is more about relationship than religion. I feel like that is what I have with Jesus…..God.
Hello to you, how are you? I hope well. I’m still recovering from falling- my back is still not happy with me! To pass the time lately I’ve discovered the phenomenon of Tik Tok. It’s amazing to see the range of people and what they are doing on there. There is a wide range of types of people on there to include people that would be considered disabled making a space for themselves. I’m thinking about exploring it more but not sure about the rules to going live etc.
It’s interesting to see the range of talent on the platform. It’s cool that there are more ways to get discovered and share yourself with the world. One of the things that is new to me is ASMR:
autonomous sensory meridian response
ASMR stands for autonomous sensory System of meridian response; a term used to describe a tingling, static-like, or goosebumps sensation in response to specific triggering audio or visual stimuli. These sensations are said to spread across the skull or down the back of the neck and, for some, down the spine or limbs.Apr 26, 2022
There are several people that have channels dedicated to this. They put stuff on to their microphone which makes certain noises. Sometimes it helps with sleep. You might be already familiar with all this – I’m just catching up !
My positive intentions and prayers go out to the world today. Whatever you are facing just know your not alone.
Hello to you. How are you? Yesterday I had an audiology appt and unfortunately it didn’t include diagnosing Mal de barque syndrome. The tester was aware of the condition but wasn’t able to diagnose it with her tests. She recommended I see a neurologist. My hearing was ok which was good. I have an appt Monday with my primary care doctor so we will discuss the audiology appt results and recommendations. I am hoping a referral to neurology will be possible. Apparently it’s hard to get an appt.
I am trying to stay positive through this process. There is a part of me that struggles to stay actively engaged in what’s happening. I am not thrilled about being in the “system.” I was trying to avoid this but it seems I cannot avoid it any longer.
Hello to you. How are you today? Today I had my first online session with a therapist through better help.com. I was surprised that he was deaf so it was kind of hard to understand him at times but I think we connected. He taught me a anxiety grounding technique 3 2 1. Three things you can see, two things you can touch or smell, one thing you can hear. It’s a way to ground yourself when your having a panic attack. I shared this video with him that helps me a lot: https://youtu.be/pJWY3Bkkaew – Relax For Awhile Anxiety Attack Talkdown
Today we have sunshine which is great! I really feel bad for those people in California that are dealing with flooding and rains right now.
Hello to you. I hope this finds you well. The message from A Woman’s Spirit for today resonated – May be it will resonate with you as well:
We are not unlike a particularly hardy crustacean……with each passage from one stage of human growth to the next, we too, must shed a protective structure. – Gail Sherry
Our passage into a new stage of development was initiated by our desire to stop using chemicals. The values we lived by while using chemicals no longer got us. We need to shed our old skin and grow a new one that reflects our current world view.
We are now, and always will be, in the stage of becoming, of trying to fulfill our changing dreams and aspirations. What we can accomplish at one stage of life is different from what we can handle at another. And yet an overall design is being shaped by all our endeavors. The more willing we are to shed yet another skin, the more centered, stable, and spirit-filled we’ll become.
Do my actions fit my values ? As I outgrow my values, I will release them. I we I’ll relish my growth today and celebrate my new skin.
Hello to you. How are you? I hope this finds you well. I just went and got groceries – not my favorite chore. When I bent down to a lower shelf to get some chicken soup I lost my balance and fell. Very embarrassing! I am too heavy and need to lose weight.
Today I’m thinking about how quiet my world is compared to when I was manic and was connected to the spirit world. I miss my friends – the benevolent spirits that kept me company. I was never alone or lonely when they were with me. Another side effect of the medication in addition to losing a lot of hair. My hair is really brittle and whenever I brush it a bunch comes out . This happened with Depakote before.
Quiet mind vacant drifts the waves fall on blank and porous shores.