Hello to you. How are you? I’m pretty much the same. This morning my Aunt and I went to a neurologist appt. He did tests to see my reflex response like tapping my knees and wrists and touching the bottom of my feet. He couldn’t find anything so wants to do an MRI and see if anything shows up to explain why I’m experiencing the swaying motion when I walk. He was familiar with Mal de barque syndrome but wasn’t aware of any connection between getting tased and brain and nerve damage. So we shall see what happens.
I was grateful to have my Aunt there with me. When I was married, I had my husband with me all the time. Now that I’m divorced I have to rely on family and they are so happy to help! I am truly grateful and blessed to have supportive family and friends.
Lately I’ve been noticing a lot of social media posts from people from my generation reflecting on what it’s been like growing up when we did. I was born in 1968 and it really is amazing how much we have advanced in some ways and regressed in others. With people living longer there is a mich mesh of generations co-existing at the same time. There is a lot of overlapping between generations. A lot of people seem to want things to go back to “normal” and as I see it what we are experiencing is our new normal. Everyone just wants to do and be what they want but there are forces pushing back against it. Specifically the LGBTQ+ agenda. As a woman who has struggled at times with being born a woman and accepting my lot in life I sometimes get jealous of women who have decided to go through with trans surgery. Specifically top surgery I hate having large breasts. A lot of these types of folks end up on Tik Tok and I am drawn to their pages and stories. One person I was drawn to, can’t remember there name but they laid it out that if you are identifying as trans it is a mental illness. You have to get an official diagnosis in order to go forth with trans surgery and hormone therapy. I had never heard someone say that before. I have found drag queens fascinating. My ex and I used to watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race. Most of the contestants were gay and some trans. You don’t just wake up one day and decide these things. Most seem to know early on that they are different. I was probably 5 or 6 years old when I remember telling my Grandma I was supposed to be a boy. I was one of two female grandchildren, the rest were boys. So it makes sense I would think that. I am glad to be a woman despite the drawbacks! When I was a teenager I was anorexic and bulemic and really thin and athletic but struggled with my weight. I had short hair and was often mistaken for a boy! Anyhew it’s interesting to see the generations getting older clashing in social media. Terms like identifying as binary and stuff I just don’t understand. To me, from my own experience, everybody just seems to be trying to belong…to find their tribe. I am trying to find mine again. I had one in Texas but it split apart. I am attending a Bible study with a nice group of women from church. As welcoming as they are I still don’t feel like I fit in. Is team Jesus my tribe? Just as I am?
Since my last psychotic break or episode it’s been really quiet for me spiritually, mentally and physically. As I’ve mentioned before I get real tired easily and that’s probably due to being overweight. There is more of me to lug around. The medications I’m on have brought about silence in the creativity department and my spirituality is quiet too. I’m having trouble finding my tribe – who or what do I belong when at times I don’t have the clarity to express a single thought? This post is the longest I’ve done in a while!
Generation X seems like I’m part of a broken generation. A generation of people that worked until they got broken so now our days are made up of medical appts and new diagnosis! I have seen and experienced so much brokenness. Everything from being born when Martin Luther King was killed to stuff like Columbine, Sandyhook, the Challenger explosion and 9/11. The technology boom in just a short time. I remember computer data being processed on punch cards! I’m 55 years old and sometimes I feel ancient when I reflect on all I’ve lived through. God must have some use for me yet!
I’ll close for now. Just reflecting and thinking about where I’m at and where I want to head this leg of my journey.
Hello to you. How are you in your today? I hope well. Last night I went to the Bible study and had a good discussion with the ladies there. I have been having trouble with the devotional we are using. I know it’s not the intention of it to disempower women but some of it comes across that way. I feel like loving ourselves is kind of under scrutiny. I was raised Catholic and I’m attending a Christian church. When I was attending Catholic Church services I feel like the emphasis was on God and not so much Jesus. To me Jesus’s messages is the best part of the Bible. Lately the messages I’m getting is about loving God and others as we should love ourselves but some of us don’t love ourselves. I feel like as Christians we get beat up a little for loving ourselves – for seeking wisdom from inside versus all external in relationship with God/Jesus. I know we are all sinners but I don’t like getting beat up about it. I don’t like being told that no matter what I do I am not good enough. This is where belief in Jesus becomes a focal point. If we are good enough we don’t need Jesus. Anyhew I’m struggling a little bit because I have and know those who have had low self esteem and have turned to God with it and it didn’t help. Sometimes it makes it worse! So keep me in your prayers as I keep you in mine.
Hello to you. How are you today? Link and I are getting some vitamin D. The past couple days it’s been really nice outside so we’ve been taking advantage of it.
I decided to join a Bible study starting tonight and they are using the devotional Beauty not Beheld. This is out of my comfort zone but I decided to give it a try anyways. I have been wanting to make friends and get out of the house more and it seems like church activities is a way to do both. I find spiritual activities with women is more about relationship than religion. I feel like that is what I have with Jesus…..God.
Hello to you. How are you today? Today my thoughts turn to something that has never been easy for me to do and that is asking for help. I’ve always been self reliant and independent but since I’ve moved here to Idaho and the health issues that have cropped up I have been having to ask for help and thanks be to God it’s been there!
What is it that keeps us from wanting to ask for help? Pride? Fear of making debts we may not be able to repay? Lately I’ve been asking Jesus for his help a lot. I’m hoping for some miracle that only he can deliver in regards to my health. May be that’s why I’m going through this at all – so that I might get closer to him. Not try and rely on my own strength and understanding. That’s what it seems like anyways.
I’m grateful for my family here helping me get through what I’m going through. They are extensions of Jesus in my life.
Hello to you. How are you today? I was looking through the clippings from my Grandma and found this pretty one. How easy it is for us to take the beauty of each day for granted. Since I’ve had this condition set in on me, I’ve not been as good about appreciating the natural beauty that surrounds me. It’s just a struggle to walk versus easily getting around and taking in the world around me.
Hello to you . How are you today? My thoughts turn to belief today. I want to believe in the healing power of God over what I’ve got going on physically and psychologically. I want to believe God is healing me and restoring me to my self. Half of the battle in healing is just that I think. People can pray for us but if we don’t believe the change can’t occur.
Thank you for your kind words and prayers of support – I believe they are helping!
Today I have a telephone consult with a psychiatrist and I don’t know what I’m going to say to her. She wants a goal and lately it’s all I can do to take care of basic things for myself. I don’t think she understands Mal de debarquement syndrome can be so debilitating. I really think that’s what I have going on and there is no cure. Please keep me in your prayers about this. Much love to you!
Hello to you . Hope this finds you well. I’m struggling with creativity and medication. I’ve found that when I am on strong medication I can’t think as clearly as I normally can. My drawing and writing skills are impaired. I am having to choose between mania and sedation I guess. I choose reality – sanity and if that means sedation then that’s what has to happen.
Hello to you. Todays message from A Woman’s Spirit is really good:
What you praise you increase – Catherine Ponder
Getting trapped in negativity is far too easy. When we get stuck, we soon are overwhelmed with shame. When we’re feeling miserable, we can be certain no one else is enjoying our company either.
It may feel impossible to break out of this painful cycle. Some of us may become complacent in it, yet we recognize that some women seem to experience much more peace and joy than ourselves. What do they do that’s different? Careful observation reveals how accepting they are of others. They can be serene because they aren’t invested in how someone else lives. This is the Serenity Prayer in action.
The easiest step in becoming like these women we admire is to begin praising what we do like in others. The more we praise their positive qualities, the less we’ll focus on those parts we’d like to change. The miracle is that our inattention to the negative qualities dissipates them.
I will praise, not criticize, everyone today. It’s a decision , nothing more. My friends will benefit, but I’ll benefit even more.