14 October 2021 Redirection

Hello to you. How are you ? It’s Thursday already! Didn’t this week go fast? I got out and walked but only made it around once. My knees aren’t being nice to me lately. I also miss having someone to walk with!

So I was having a talk with a friend yesterday who suffers from OCD. It can be quite crippling. He gets stuck in his thoughts and exhausts himself. I suggested to him that when he had these ruminating thoughts he think or say STOP and at that moment put another thought in its place. Kind of like stopping a train on the tracks. When I do this for myself I will insert a thought like, “I don’t want to think about that right now,” “That is not helpful.” It’s kind of like making a new train route in the brain. It’s an attempt to redirect my thoughts.

Each day I have to use the advice I gave my friend . As a bipolar everything is a delicate balance in my life. Living alone I have time to ruminate a lot and a lot of times it’s not helpful stuff I’m ruminating on. When I do this it’s oftentimes very visceral. I feel what I am ruminating about and it makes me feel like gears are slipping in my brain.

With this kind of stuff going on and living alone I find myself turning to God more. I get frustrated though because sometimes it feels like God isn’t there. I know it’s not true but it’s just a feeling. I don’t know if it’s the Covid-19 or what but I have been feeling my mortality so much lately. The world feels fragile, like we are on borrowed time. How is it some people just go through life like there is nothing to worry about ?

Sometimes the gears in my brain feel like they slip

29 September 2021 Home

Hello again. I’m back . One of the things that has always helped me is writing. I always remember Kyle telling me to write for myself even if no one reads it! This blog is a very therapeutic tool for me. If you have stopped by and decide to stay and read, I hope there is something here for you too .

So I have a 734 sq ft home that I share with my dog Link . It’s enough living space for us but it’s not enough of a creating space. All it takes is a couple of things and you have clutter. I had some professional organizers come in and ever since I have not wanted to touch anything! My second room is basically storage. I exist in my house but I don’t flourish in it. I downsized before I was ready and with the housing market being what it is – I’m stuck! Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to have a home I just feel lost In it right now.

“A tiny home to put her shoeboxes in, a place blessed by God to start her life over again. “

I think I just figured out why I have been having so much trouble with feeling at home for so long. After my cats Amber and May died part of me went with them. They were my heart and home . They were always there and then they weren’t . They always used to inspect the things I made and sang me to sleep with their purr. I feel disorientated even writing about this! I miss my little daughters . We lost 4 animals in a short period of time and it wrecked me. Death is my nemesis.

I know God has a plan for me I’m just not sure what it is . So many people figure out what to do with their lives. Why does it have to be so hard for me to figure it out ? I’m 53 dammit!! I don’t get much more time! Why am I still here ?! When will I be home ?

7 September 2021 Futile Tasks

Hello there! How are you as you meet me here this morning ? I hope you are well . I am doing ok. I’m writing a little bit earlier than I normally do. It gives me a purpose to write so who cares what time I do it right ?!

This morning I walked by my dirty car again and I got that feeling like I should try and wash it . I also got the feeling “what’s the point of washing it? It’s just going to get dirty right away!” My car is an outside car meaning I don’t have a garage. We are surrounded by the fires that have been going on this summer so the air is always filled with ash. This ash ends up on the car everyday. It feels like washing the car is one of those futile tasks like cleaning house! The thing is if you don’t clean it once in awhile it seems like you don’t care to take care of it.

I used to have cleaning as my OCD. If I got stressed or anxious I would start cleaning because it always needed to be done ! Living with dogs changed that for me and helped me see the futility of trying to keep a house perfectly clean all the time. So now I see life as a series of futile tasks! A bunch of things we do that almost as soon as you do them you have to do it again. There has to be more to life than that !

Lately I have been struggling to muster enough energy to do these futile tasks. Where did that energy to take care of things like I used to go ? Is it me getting older? Is it me living alone? Is it me turning into a lazy person? Is it apathy or depression? When you are depressed a lot of time you just don’t want to do anything. I will have to pray on this!

22 August 2021 Simplicity

Hello and how are you ? It’s Saturday morning as I write to you . I tried to get Link on a walk but he didn’t want to go. So I went on a walk by myself and got a couple laps in. We got a little rain. Just enough to mess up my car and nearly erase my chalk drawings!

So my mind is on simplicity this morning. I am thinking of “the little way.” It’s not the big grand gestures we can do that make this world a better place. Often it’s the barely perceptible. People just being themselves! I used to try and do so much more but I wore myself out ….I got broken . Hopefully some day soon I will find a little way I can give back to the world that gives me so much!

Simplicity ” in the English Ordinal system equals 135 – one yes no May be existence for all the senses

Drawing for today
A project I did with my cousin at a sip and paint gathering

14 August 2021 Lonely

Hello to you ! How are you today? I am feeling lonely today. I tried walking a bunch of laps around the block but just can’t seem to shake this feeling ! Sometimes it’s hard to enjoy your own company . You can’t escape yourself lol.

The place I go that helps me not feel so lonely is my front porch. Sitting there helps me feel connected to the world. There are the neighbors, trees, birds, squirrels and insects. All sorts of life forms “doing stuff.”

When I am feeling like this I am reminded of what life was like off my medication. I always felt like I was being watched and never alone . A part of me misses that feeling. I wish I could have that feeling still taking my medication . Was it God I was close to during those times ? I wonder .

Colors of the day

5 August 2021 Pain

Hello to you, how are you today? Is it hot where you are ? As I write it’s a nice 79 degrees. I managed to get Link around once and a lap for me . I may go again later but I’m trying not to overdue it. I have been having some pain in my knees and upper thighs .

I hate that I’m getting older and my limbs get stiff and sore . Oh for the days when I felt invincible lol! Oh for the days when I could lose weight easily and keep it off! The thing is I don’t want to be young again – just pain free! I don’t want to have to go through all that schooling again!

Colors of today

25 June 2021 Practice

Hello to you, how are you today ? I’m doing good. I decided to brave the heat and do a little chalk drawing. I was inspired by the art work from a book loaned to me: Fail fail again fail better by Pema Chodron.

My drawings are very basic right now but sometimes that’s best. I need more practice !

Drawing on the driveway

21 September 2020 Is it ok to be happy?

Hello to you in your wherever and whenever as you visit me here.  How are you?  I hope you are well.  Something that came to mind today was asking myself if it’s okay to be happy.  I have been having a lot of thoughts lately with the upcoming holiday seasons.  I have been thinking about October with Halloween                                                                                .

My husband and I used to decorate for the holidays and celebrate Halloween.  We had a Steampunk theme started and zombie flamingos chasing a lone pink flamingo….we did stuff.  I don’t know if it’s ok to celebrate Halloween and if I do how will I without my husband.  Knowing my Aunt Ruth we will celebrate Halloween.  I just feel funny inside about it and wonder inside if it’s ok to be happy celebrating the holidays in a new way.   I feel an ache inside thinking about it and am trying to address this now to help me prepare myself.

There is going to be a lot more family around than I’m used to.  I will have to let God  a little on this and trust that whatever happens will be ok.

Is it ok to be happy” in the English Ordinal system equals 191 (one “no” one)

spirit” in the English Ordinal system equals 91 (“no” one)

Halloween” in the English Ordinal system equals 95 (“no” all of the   senses)

Thanksgiving” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (one left side of brain one)

Christmas” in the English Ordinal system equals 110 (one one person place or object)

18 September 2020 Ashen skies

Hello how are you? As I write this morning I look outside and the sky is gray.  You might think it was going to rain but it’s just ash from the nearby fires.  It leaves a light dusting on everything and they even up the air quality alert to red; unhealthy!

I wasn’t sure what to write about today but I wanted to write.  This week has been pretty productive the house sale is done which was another big milestone.  Now comes trying to find a new place to live and it’s not looking like it will be easy.  There is a boom in the housing market in this area  (from what I hear it’s everywhere) .  I am considered low income so I might qualify for low income housing but there is a long waiting list.  I am blessed to have family familiar with real estate and they are helping me navigate this next part of my journey.  Now isn’t a buyers market at least if you are someone like me.

I don’t know if it’s the weather right now or what but I feel heavy and anxious.  Hopefully the skies will clear and I will be able to get back outside some.  We have been praying for the firefighters.

ashen skies” in the English Ordinal system equals 110 (one one person, place or object 110=purpose)

housing boom” in the English Ordinal system equals 138 (one yes, no, may be in eternity and or racetrack of life, 38=balance, death) if you add 1+3+8 = 12/3 cycle

16 September 2020 Being Realistic

Hello there, how are you today?  I’m writing to you while I am cuddling with Link where we are all warm and fuzzy.  It was in the 40’s again this morning!  I didn’t wear a jacket but I certainly could have.  The skies are still ashen gray with all the fires surrounding the state.

This morning my Aunt and I were talking about some things and the phrase being realistic stuck with me.  I used to be, especially when I’m manic, like to live in a fantasy world and start connecting dots that don’t belong together.  Part of the connecting the dots is my living in a nonsensical world and trying to make sense of it!  I can take seemingly random pieces of my life and piece them together and they make sense—to me.

The other part of being realistic has to do with relationships.  I am wanting to meet someone and fill the void that was created by the end of my marriage.  I have to keep in mind that realistically no one is going to be able to do that.  So I am having to accept that it may be awhile until I find someone compatible comes along; they have huge shoes to fill.

I was married to a man who was able to be home a lot and keep me company.   We believed that it was more important to be together than to make a lot of money.  We were rarely apart. With the separation and divorce I had to go from that to the life I’m living now; it has been rough.  Realistically, whomever I am with has to be able to work and I have to be able to be independent.  For some reason I lost my independence in my relationship with my husband.  I am starting to think it goes all the way back to my early retirement from the military and subsequent divorce.  I jumped right into my relationship with my current husband without taking time to heal.  Now I am having to process aspects of both failed marriages at once.  I lost my self confidence and self esteem having my career and marriage fall apart like it did.  Now, with this current failed marriage, my self esteem has been completely shattered.

being realistic” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (ironically a 13 in here) one yes, no, may be yes,no, may be existence. the=33)

one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one left side brain all vices in check but one existence. body =46)

one four six” in the English Ordinal system equals 146

divorce” in the English Ordinal system equals 76 (my maiden name matches this number !)

shattered” in the English Ordinal system equals 100 (this number looks like a person, place or object destroyed)

self esteem” in the English Ordinal system equals 109 (one person, place, thing and “no” existence)

failed marriage” in the English Ordinal system equals 109 ( I thought it curious this number matches self esteem)

Let go and let God” in the English Ordinal system equals 141

I am having to do a lot of letting go and letting God these days!