Hello to you! Hope this finds you well. So much of the world seems to be in some sort of calamity. I sometimes feel guilty for having such a good life. May be God is giving me a break from calamities and drama!
Todays prompt is thought provoking. As I review my current life, I think I could be more active. I have been trying to lose weight and the scale is just not budging. I think that’s because cutting back how much I’m eating and what I’m eating is not enough. Part of the problem is the medication I’m on. Depakote is known for contributing to weight gain. I’ve been thinking about getting a treadmill or stationary bike to help me be more active. The only problem is I live in a very small home and would have to make room for these items. I walk Link once a day and have been thinking about starting to walk an additional lap after I get him around once. It’s been about 2 almost 3 years since I’ve been able to walk a lot like I used to. Something happened to my system when the police tased me! I haven’t been the same since. I really believe they short circuited my system. I have had to push through and some days it’s so hard. My Aunt and I talked about this yesterday. I want Jesus to heal me as there is no cure for what is going on with me. She made a prayer card for me – everything helps! I think of the episode of The Chosen where I think of when James asks Jesus why he hasn’t healed him :
I keep thinking he could heal me but for some reason he hasn’t. Is it like with James? Would I become like I was before surrendering myself to his care? Would I need him less? Is there something he wants to do through me just as I currently am? So many questions I have for him some day when I meet him face to face!
What is one thing you would change about yourself?
Hello to you. Hope this finds you well. Today has been uneventful. I am feeling a little better after catching another cold. There was talk about something happening today with regard to space people but of course nothing happened! I am thinking something is brewing with the increase in sightings. I am thinking it has to do with the increasing unrest going on in the world – Sabre rattling about using nukes. If I was a space person watching all of what’s going on I think I would want to intervene too!
My answer to today’s prompt is if I could change one thing about myself I would not be Bipolar. Having this diagnosis has really limited me in so many ways. I have lost two marriages and many friendships and relationships with family. I lost a career because of this condition. The only good thing to ever come of being Bipolar was the wellspring of energy and creativity during the times I was manic. I would hardly sleep and my creative abilities seemed endless. I could draw, paint, sing, write, take awesome photos, dance, tap into the spiritual realms – all of this with little to no effort. Having the mania under control with the medication I’m on – Depakote- I can’t do much of anything anymore. This blog is my only outlet! In addition to Bipolar I have the Mal de barque syndrome where I have trouble with balance. I’m convinced it was triggered by my being tased by police when I was having a manic episode two years ago. It just won’t go away! So I guess there are actually two things I wish I could change!
Since I cannot change what I am, I have to push through with it all. I have to force myself to move forward even if I don’t want to. I pray a lot and ask for healing. I am trying to say yes more often when I would usually say no. One of the side affects of Depakote is weight gain and not feeling full after eating. With the balance challenges it’s hard to exercise to get rid of calories but I force myself to get a walk in with Link each day. I’m trying to lower my calorie count too. I am trying to say no more often to eating sweets which is my favorite type of food! Not all of what I am can be blamed on being Bipolar! I wish I could get back to size 16 jeans again. Obesity runs in my Dads side of the family so my genetics are kind of stacked against me along with my diagnosis.
Some scripture about change:
Ecclesiastes 3:1-2“To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot”.
Isaiah 43:18-19“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?”.
Psalm 30:5“Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning”.
Romans 8:28“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose”.
2 Corinthians 5:17“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”.
Hebrews 13:8“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever”.
Malachi 3:6“I the Lord do not change. So you, the descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed”.
James 1:17“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows”.
Ephesians 4:22-24“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness”.
Do lazy days make you feel rested or unproductive?
Hello to you. Hope this finds you well. God has been at the wheel of the stuff I’ve been going through lately – extremely grateful for the prayers of family, friends and even strangers! My Aunt met a elderly veteran who gave her this cross for me and said he would pray for me. The wagons of Gods people have been rallied! I’m so, so grateful!
I don’t usually wear crosses because of what they represent – the murder of an innocent man but understand what it means in Christianity.
When I think of todays prompt I think of my life right now gradually getting in place. It’s taken me three years to get where I’m at. Many of the days leading up to this one were littered with fear, sadness and grief – lack of faith! A lot of my days have not very productive and could be perceived as lazy days. I was in such a state of shock leaving Texas. I have been retired from active duty longer than I was in (21 years). When I was active duty I burned the candle at both ends. I was usually the one leadership turned to when a program was a mess. I worked a lot of long days cleaning up messes. Lazy days meant more to me then they do now. I don’t have a specific purpose when I wake up each day! When I was active duty I was up at 4:30 am and worked til after 5.
I haven’t completely found a fit for me here yet in being useful again. A lot of what holds me back is driving. I hate driving! When I was married, Kyle used to always drive and I got used to that after 12 years! I was spoiled! I keep my eyes open for things I can do – little things. When my back is not hurting I would like to help set up at the church again. I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting the gift of my life. A lot of people I’ve known haven’t even lived as long as I have.
One of my favorite passages from the Bible – makes me think of a Palladian (class I played in FFXI video game). In these trying times we must put on our armor!
Ephesians 6:10-13New International Version
The Armor of God
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Hello to you. Just back from church – it was good as always. Got to see and talk to the sweet people there. We discussed psalm 34 and “Mr E.” gave a great testimony about his path to following Jesus. He had his Bible with him when he first got saved – inside he wrote the name and date and signed his name and this was back when he was six years old! It’s really neat to hear what happens to people when they make a path within themselves for God to use them. I have had fleeting glimpses of this in my own life. Those experiences of being in the right place at the right time like a mission from God. I am currently hoping for an opportunity for God to use me- just need to get the physical stuff that limits me out of my way! May be having physical limitations is a way for there to be balance and not overwhelming myself. Only God knows! My many thanks for your continued prayers and support!
Something nice happened too after service my friend Mark gave me a bag of cherries from their tree! They taste really good! He notices when I’m not there and kind of helps me stay accountable.
A thoughtful gift through fellowship and natures bounty – cherries
Todays prompt makes me think of my life this far. I think I have chosen security over adventure as I’ve gotten older. When I was young and had all the world in front of me I think I took more chances – sought out adventure because nothing was really stopping me. I was healthy physically up until when my mental health issues really started mushrooming and that was in my late twenties and early thirties. My forties and up until now have been clouded by the struggle of achieving balance – safety and security versus adventure. There is a part of me that kind of thirsts for adventure but I hold myself back – a lot of times it’s because I don’t want to leave Link. He has become an anchor of what home and security is. When I come home from being gone – seeing him reach up and scratching on the window in excitement makes me feel so loved. Somebody cares that I have returned!
Deuteronomy 4:29New International Version
29 But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul.
Hello there! How are you today? It’s a bright and sunny day here. I haven’t been taking pictures lately as I haven’t been on my usual walks in the afternoon. My back is feeling better so I need to get back to it! There is beauty happening!
Todays prompt is a great one. Just last night before trying to fall asleep I talked out loud to Jesus. I haven’t done that in a very long time. Spirituality, relationship with God is very important to me and is a favorite subject to discuss. Ever since what happened last August, I have felt kind of distant from God. I felt like God had abandoned me but that’s probably to the contrary of reality. If I had kept going on the path I was on I probably would have ended up in jail! God intervened in the most extreme way. I was convinced, once again, the world was ending and Jesus was coming back. I felt like he was taking too long so I was going to initiate things on my own! Not a good idea! I never want to be in the situation to be tased again! It was very traumatic. I just wasn’t in control of myself anymore.
When I get overcome by the spirit world, which is what has happened prior to me being hospitalized every time, I become very reckless and sometimes even angry and violent – not entirely in charge of “driving my car.” The car being my body. It’s like being possessed by forces beyond my control. This last time I took a meat cleaver to the inside of my house and broke a bunch of momentos and other things that were glass. I got rid of all my identification. I was convinced that my Link had been left to die in the house. There are a lot of things I don’t remember happening – they are blacked out. Thank God for my family! They came and restored order to my little house and they all are the extensions of the living God in my life.
When I have talked to most Christians, especially women, they have said loving Jesus is about relationship not religion. From my own experience, I agree! I have to be careful to not get too religious. I have been neglecting and struggling with my relationship because of my health lately. This swaying motion in my head , fullness in my ears and playing with the cocktail to get my mental health right has affected my relationship with Jesus AND myself. Everything is such an effort and I get so tired so easily so I want to sleep a lot. My patterns for sleep and being awake are all wonky. My doctors think it’s the medication and we will be trying something new, Abilify, to see if things get better.
I just want my spiritual/creative juices back! The kicker is with the medication to control mania, whatever it ends up being, I will probably never be as creative as I once was. With Bipolar 1, which is my primary diagnosis, mania is to be avoided and is the primary target of the medication I take. It’s either risk being overcome by mania and be creative or not be manic and have little to no creativity. I want peace of mind for myself and those who love and care about me. So who I once was is forever on the chopping block! I used to feel so close to God as I understood him. The ways of that connection, my creativity, spirituality, have been stifled ever since I started taking heavier medications. I haven’t drawn a picture or written a poem, crocheted, made jewelry or done something that I used to do in almost a year! Anything I have done has felt forced – not just flowing with usual ease it used to. It’s like writers block. I try to just take a pen to paper and nothing comes.
I have to remind myself that I need to focus on what I can do – not on what I can’t! Taking pictures on walks has become one of the new ways to share my eyes for Gods beautiful creation but even that is limited by my physical health!
One of the last drawings I’ve done. This was about going to Grace House, a home Grace Bible Church has leased within walking distance for me.
Matthew 8:28-34New American Standard Bible
Jesus Sends Demons into Pigs
28 And when He came to the other side into the country of the Gadarenes, two demon-possessed men confronted Him as they were coming out of the tombs. They were so extremely violent that no one could pass by that way. 29 And they cried out, saying, “[a]What business do You have with us, Son of God? Have You come here to torment us before [b]the time?” 30 Now there was a herd of many pigs feeding at a distance from them. 31 And the demons begged Him, saying, “If You are going to cast us out, send us into the herd of pigs.”32 And He said to them, “Go!” And they came out and went into the pigs; and behold, the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the sea and [c]drowned in the waters. 33 And the herdsmen ran away, and went to the city and reported everything, [d]including what had happened to the demon-possessed men. 34 And behold, the whole city came out to meet Jesus; and when they saw Him, they pleaded with Him to leave their region.
Hello to you. How are you? I just got off the phone with the pharmacy through the VA. We decided to take me off the Metaformin as I’ve been having diarrhea taking it. She wants me to try Abilify and taper off of Olanzapine as the side effects of Olanzapine (Zyprexa) are weight gain and fatigue. Apparently Abilify is better about that. She is thinking may be of taking me off of Depakote eventually too – which would be nice. I’m so tired of this pharmaceutical cocktail business! In the end it will hopefully be worth it!
James 5:14-16 NIV
14 Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven.
Hello to you. Hard to believe it’s Friday again. Today is the celebration of Cinco Demayo and my exe in-laws 44th wedding anniversary. It’s so rare that people stay together that long. Even though I’m no longer married to their son I still consider them to be family. Once I love you it takes a lot for me to stop loving you. They are good people!
Todays prompt makes me think. I have never really had a direction in my life other than wanting to be a good person but it’s not been easy. Wanting to please God has flitted through my life, not to displease my family and friends has also been a reason for a direction. As I’ve mentioned before, as a young child and teenager I wanted to be famous but let go of that when I saw what fame does to peoples lives. Another primary direction has been not wanting to be forgotten. Since I never had children I have no one to pass my legacy on to.
A primary director, the Holy Spirit, seems quiet if not silent in my life. For so many years I felt I had a close connection. I could write, sing, draw, paint and make jewelry and other things. It’s probably just my being in an in between place right now. I think it’s also the medication I’m on that prevents mania from happening. Taking Lithium is different than taking Depakote and Zyprexa. I kind of miss the creativity and spirituality that comes with being manic. I think another reason for the lack of direction is the fact I’m still healing from my wounds these past couple of years. I am trying to stay open to God – to the Holy Spirit. I don’t think God is done with me yet!
A drawing I did back in 2015. I named it 7712 but I remember thinking of the title “Waiting” for it. I miss drawing like this – it’s like my creativity spigot is completely closed.
Proverbs 3:5-6New International Version
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Hello to you. How are you today. I woke up earlier than normal which was a good thing. My kitchen sink area was full of ants again. I am having natural pest control people come out Monday to give me an estimate. I could just go buy some product from the store but want an expert to do it. This way the problem won’t reoccur. I don’t like poison! I’m glad they have developed natural solutions!
Todays prompt is a good one. As you know from my blog here I like to discuss a wide range of topics but have my favorites. I enjoy discussing spirituality, mental health, animals and just nature in general. All these topics are connected for me.
John 13:34New International Version
34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
Whenever I have had discussions with women who believe in God and go to church they have told me it’s about having a relationship with God not religion. That’s how it is for me. God is in everything. It’s really kind of amazing to look at the world with God inspired eyes – so many miracles. Like this spring watching so many flowers and trees springing forth with life. Babies from two legged and four being born. There is hope in these things – topics.
A drawing I did when I lived in Alvarado TX. I used to go to a pond there and pray. I haven’t been drawing like this in a long time. The inspiration and creativity gets kind of stifled when I’m medicated. One of my favorite drawings I did I called Seeing the Beginning A very spiritual drawing from back in 2012 I did this drawing and later there was a picture that came out of what Jesus may have looked like that looked just like this drawing.
Hello to you. How are you? I’m pretty much the same. This morning my Aunt and I went to a neurologist appt. He did tests to see my reflex response like tapping my knees and wrists and touching the bottom of my feet. He couldn’t find anything so wants to do an MRI and see if anything shows up to explain why I’m experiencing the swaying motion when I walk. He was familiar with Mal de barque syndrome but wasn’t aware of any connection between getting tased and brain and nerve damage. So we shall see what happens.
I was grateful to have my Aunt there with me. When I was married, I had my husband with me all the time. Now that I’m divorced I have to rely on family and they are so happy to help! I am truly grateful and blessed to have supportive family and friends.
A reflection:
Lately I’ve been noticing a lot of social media posts from people from my generation reflecting on what it’s been like growing up when we did. I was born in 1968 and it really is amazing how much we have advanced in some ways and regressed in others. With people living longer there is a mich mesh of generations co-existing at the same time. There is a lot of overlapping between generations. A lot of people seem to want things to go back to “normal” and as I see it what we are experiencing is our new normal. Everyone just wants to do and be what they want but there are forces pushing back against it. Specifically the LGBTQ+ agenda. As a woman who has struggled at times with being born a woman and accepting my lot in life I sometimes get jealous of women who have decided to go through with trans surgery. Specifically top surgery I hate having large breasts. A lot of these types of folks end up on Tik Tok and I am drawn to their pages and stories. One person I was drawn to, can’t remember there name but they laid it out that if you are identifying as trans it is a mental illness. You have to get an official diagnosis in order to go forth with trans surgery and hormone therapy. I had never heard someone say that before. I have found drag queens fascinating. My ex and I used to watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race. Most of the contestants were gay and some trans. You don’t just wake up one day and decide these things. Most seem to know early on that they are different. I was probably 5 or 6 years old when I remember telling my Grandma I was supposed to be a boy. I was one of two female grandchildren, the rest were boys. So it makes sense I would think that. I am glad to be a woman despite the drawbacks! When I was a teenager I was anorexic and bulemic and really thin and athletic but struggled with my weight. I had short hair and was often mistaken for a boy! Anyhew it’s interesting to see the generations getting older clashing in social media. Terms like identifying as binary and stuff I just don’t understand. To me, from my own experience, everybody just seems to be trying to belong…to find their tribe. I am trying to find mine again. I had one in Texas but it split apart. I am attending a Bible study with a nice group of women from church. As welcoming as they are I still don’t feel like I fit in. Is team Jesus my tribe? Just as I am?
Since my last psychotic break or episode it’s been really quiet for me spiritually, mentally and physically. As I’ve mentioned before I get real tired easily and that’s probably due to being overweight. There is more of me to lug around. The medications I’m on have brought about silence in the creativity department and my spirituality is quiet too. I’m having trouble finding my tribe – who or what do I belong when at times I don’t have the clarity to express a single thought? This post is the longest I’ve done in a while!
Generation X seems like I’m part of a broken generation. A generation of people that worked until they got broken so now our days are made up of medical appts and new diagnosis! I have seen and experienced so much brokenness. Everything from being born when Martin Luther King was killed to stuff like Columbine, Sandyhook, the Challenger explosion and 9/11. The technology boom in just a short time. I remember computer data being processed on punch cards! I’m 55 years old and sometimes I feel ancient when I reflect on all I’ve lived through. God must have some use for me yet!
I’ll close for now. Just reflecting and thinking about where I’m at and where I want to head this leg of my journey.
Hello to you. How are you today? Today my thoughts turn to something that has never been easy for me to do and that is asking for help. I’ve always been self reliant and independent but since I’ve moved here to Idaho and the health issues that have cropped up I have been having to ask for help and thanks be to God it’s been there!
What is it that keeps us from wanting to ask for help? Pride? Fear of making debts we may not be able to repay? Lately I’ve been asking Jesus for his help a lot. I’m hoping for some miracle that only he can deliver in regards to my health. May be that’s why I’m going through this at all – so that I might get closer to him. Not try and rely on my own strength and understanding. That’s what it seems like anyways.
I’m grateful for my family here helping me get through what I’m going through. They are extensions of Jesus in my life.
To be 