9 September 2020 Getting to the core

Hello to you, how are you doing?  I am having another day without having a Coca Cola as part of my routine and I can tell.  Is this why I’m having another day of feeling “off?”   I have to be my own personal Sherlock Holmes it seems when trying to figure out why one day isn’t like another.   Why one day I will feel like I can handle just about anything and others where a leaf landing on my head could tip me over!

I’ve been talking with people who are like me.  A lot of what we do is this super-sleuthing, digging through what can be construed as a shit pile of a life for core reasons for what is happening.  I can’t dig too much and or ruminate without becoming practically paralyzed by what surfaces.  For example our family is about to experience a wedding and I have decided not to go because I know it’s a trigger.

This upcoming wedding triggers thoughts of my own wedding and I keep seeing flashes of our wedding pictures in my minds-eye.   I keep seeing my ex and how handsome and sweet he was…how happy we were.  I know that my wedding and the  subsequent failure of our marriage is at the core of why I’m having trouble with my cousins’ son getting married.  A pessimistic self has emerged that asks questions like why even bother with marriage.

So what I have excavated is a trigger to my core and I don’t want it to ruin me or taint anyone around me.

trigger” in the English Ordinal system equals 84 (ironically my ex was born in 1984)

core” in the English Ordinal system equals 41

money” in the English Ordinal system equals 72

world” in the English Ordinal system equals 72

marriage” in the English Ordinal system equals 72

3 September 2020 What I used to do and mindfulness

Hello there how are you?  Hopefully good as you visit me here.  Thank you in advance for taking the time to come by and read.  I am settling down after a nice walk and talk with my therapist  .

So the topic that came to mind today was thinking about what I used to do that made me happy and or occupied my time.  There were a whole bunch of things like doing chalk drawings outside, writing, drawing and making copper wire jewelry and or wire trees.  Sometimes there was crocheting and or knitting.  Sometimes there was singing and dancing.  Sometimes there was watching videos on Youtube and or binge watching shows on Netflix. Only a handful of these activities have felt remotely “right” to do in this new life I am living in.   A lot of the reason I have stopped doing things is for fear they would trigger another manic episode.

2 Sept 2020 wire tree pendant

My counselor and I talked today and one of the subjects we touched on was mindfulness.  I told her I often struggle with being able to stay in the moment.  She gave an example of the difference.  It was being on a walk and seeing a tree and being able to describe the tree with specific details instead of just saying “there is a tree.”

I miss my trees back in Alvarado.   I haven’t really gotten to know the tree here in the same way I did there. I wish I had taken some seeds from the oak tree, Yolie, in the front yard,

mindfulness” in the English Ordinal system equals 136 (one yes, no may be all vices in check but one 36= child)

one three six” in the English Ordinal system equals 142 (one left side brain light and shadow self process 42=self)

one four two ” in the English Ordinal system equals 152 (one all senses light and shadow self process)

one five two” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes no may be right side of the brain 134=information)

one three four” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all senses person place and or object 150=communication )

one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 (one left side of the brain person, place and or object 40=food)

one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 (one all senses in eternity and or race track of life)

one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one light and shadow process of self all senses)

one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (pattern repeats)

 

,,

2 September 2020 Memory (blessing or a curse)

Hello again how are you?

Do you ever feel like having a good memory is both a blessing and a curse?  Right now I am feeling like it is a curse of sorts.  I want to move forward with my life but memories keep popping up that drag me backwards.  When I get dragged backwards it’s a very visceral experience and a lot of times I feel it on a physical level.  This is ironic because for so long I was lending my support to a program called Music and Memory!  As of right now, I am unable to listen to much music now!  So many songs I liked to listen to are connected to memories of the past 12+ years.

Is this why people smoke, drink and or do illegal  drugs?!!!!

So I am going to ask a question in the numbers and see what comes out:

Is having a good memory a blessing or a curse?” in the English Ordinal system equals 408 (left side of the brain, with people, place and or object in between in eternity and or the race track of life existence.  Could the object be the brain or the memory?)

four zero eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 173 (one all vices in check yes, no, may be existence)

one seven three” in the English Ordinal system equals 155 (one all of the senses for light and shadow self)

one five five” in the English Ordinal system equals 118 (one and one separated in eternity and or the racetrack of life existence)

one one eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 117 (one and one separated all vices in check)

one one seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (one yes, no may be for the light and shadow self)

one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one left side of brain all vices in check but one 46=Body)

curse” in the English Ordinal system equals 66 (all vices in check but one both light and shadow of self)

blessing” in the English Ordinal system equals 87 (eternity all vices in check)

memory” in the English Ordinal system equals 89 (eternity and “nein” and or no existence)

music” in the English Ordinal system equals 65 (all vices in check but one with all the senses)

1 September 2020 Changing how you think

Hello there, how are you?  It’s a new day and another day of getting through this life differently than I did before.  This, for me, oftentimes means changing how I think.  Instead of awfulizing things, I am having to look at things in a more positive light.

What do I want to feel?  What do I want to think?  What would make me happy to think about?   Sometimes it feels almost like a reflex to think negatively and when I do,  I break out into a cold sweat and get a chill through my whole body.  I am taking anti-anxiety medications but they don’t always help me.

I don’t want to forget the past, but when I remember it, I want to be able to reflect on it without cold sweats.  I want to be able to listen to music, watch television and or movies without such a visceral reaction and connection to the past.  The past twelve plus  had some of the happiest and saddest memories of my life .  I don’t want to act like they just didn’t happen. I also don’t want them to paralyze me either ! There has to be a way to coexist with the past and present memories so I have a future.  The only way I see to do that is to change how I think.

Let’s see what it looks like in the numbers:

changing how you think” in the English Ordinal system equals 232 (light and shadow self yes, no, may be, light and shadow self process)

two three two” in the English Ordinal system equals 172 (one all vices in check light and shadow self process – 72 also =world and money)

one seven two” in the English Ordinal system equals 157  (one all senses all vices in check 57 = human)

one five seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (one left side of the brain one process 41 =  garbage)

one four one ” in the English Ordinal system equals 128 (one light and shadow of self eternity and or racetrack existence 28=man)

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 *pattern with 141 and 128

 

 

31 August 2020 What is helpful and what is harmful

Hello and how are you ? I hope you are doing o.k.  I have been having one of those mornings where everything is a raw nerve.  I decided to focus on what was more helpful than harmful.  What do I want versus what I don’t.

I want to wake up each day grateful to be alive.  I want to be able to listen to music, watch television and or movies again without fear of an anxiety attack.  I want to be able to socialize with people again without fear.  I want to be able to be myself without being ashamed.

There are many other things I am thinking I want but that would just be wishful thinking and that would be more harmful than helpful ,  I didn’t break these down to the  patterns point.  I thought it was interesting there is just one number different between the two!

What is helpful and what is harmful” in the English Ordinal system equals 338 (when I saw this I immediately saw the=33 balance=38)

helpful” in the English Ordinal system equals 80 (eternity and or racetrack of life up against an person, place and or object)

eight zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 113 (one one yes, no, may be existence)

one one three” in the English Ordinal system equals 124 (one light and shadow self right side of the brain)

 

harmful” in the English Ordinal system equals 79 (all vices in check in a “no” existence)

seven nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 107 (one person, place or object all vices in check)

one zero seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 163 (one all vices in check but one in a yes, no, may be existence)

26 August 2020 Medication and Development

Hello to you today.  How are you? I sincerely hope wherever and whenever you are visiting life is treating you well.

As for me…well….I wish I could say I am doing great! Fantastic! I am all better!  Such is not the case every morning.  Ever since I left the hospital 27 April of this year I have been changed.  I am trying to move forward and move on with so may things.  I would never of imagined then that I would be in my Aunts house writing this now.

My medication is a big part of what is going on for me.  Some times it feels like it isn’t working at all and other days I can’t imagine being without it!  Being bipolar affects me on so many levels.  Some days, some moments I feel like I could handle just about anything and then just one minor blip and nope can’t handle anything.  I find myself grasping about for someone….anyone to talk to so I can work through what I am feeling.

Looking at medication as a number and patterns it’s pretty interesting how accurate it is at describing the process:

medication” in the English Ordinal system equals 93 (ironically my short name in the numbers, Jackie = 39! no yes, no, may be process)

nine three” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (no in eternity and or racetrack of life)

nine eight ” in the English Ordinal system equals 91 (no for one also this number is spirit)

nine one” in the English Ordinal system equals 76 (all vices in check and all vices in check but one and it’s my maiden name!)

seven six ” in the English Ordinal system equals 117 ( two separate ones of self all vices in check)

one one seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (one in a yes, no may be and yes, no may be process)

one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one right side of the brain all vices in check but one)

Thinking of development and change. Something I have noticed since moving here to Idaho is growth.  A lot of farmers seem to be selling their land to housing developers.  I am just going to look at the phrase housing development:

housing development” in the English Ordinal system equals 224 (light and shadow self process of self with light and shadow process of self with right side of the brain)

two two four” in the English Ordinal system equals 176 (one all vices in check with all vices in the check but one)

one seven six” in the English Ordinal system equals 151 (one all senses of one)

one five one” in the English Ordinal system equals 110 (one in one with object)

one one zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 132 (one with yes, no, may be with light and shadow of self)

one three two” in the English Ordinal system equals 148 (one left side brain in eternity and or racetrack of life)

one four eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 143 (one left side brain in yes, no may be process)

one four three” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all senses and object)

one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 (one left side brain and object)

one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 (one all senses in eternity and or racetrack of life)

one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one in light and shadow of self all senses)

one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes, no, may be with right side of brain)

 

farming ” in the English Ordinal system equals 68  (all vices in check but one in eternity and or racetrack of life)

(planet” in the English Ordinal system equals 68)

six eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 101 (one object in the center one )

one zero one ” in the English Ordinal system equals 132  (one with yes, no, may be with light and shadow of self)

 

farm” in the English Ordinal system equals 38 (yes, no may be in eternity and or racetrack of life)

(“balance” in the English Ordinal system equals 38)

 

world” in the English Ordinal system equals 72 (all vices in check with the light and shadow of self process )

(“money ” in the English Ordinal system equals 72)

 

(pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony, and sloth,  – these are the vices I am thinking of )

 

 

 

 

 

25 August 2020 Just Friends

Hello to you, how are you ?  I hope this finds you doing well in your wherever and whenever.   The topic that has come to mind lately is friendship.  When you are divorced and or single this word comes up quite a bit.  There are some phrases that come up like, “let’s just be friends,” “can’t we just be friends” ” friends but not lovers.”  Isn’t there even a song about it?!

A big part of this, I think, has to do with healing after being broken.  The not jumping back into something and or someone too fast.  That said, the thought of this friendship process kind of puts me off a bit.  How long should it take or is there any rules?

I have been using a dating site Match.com just to put myself back out there.  I have had a couple of hits.  Both of them are ending up in the friend zone because I am still healing.

So what does all this say in the numbers; lets see:

friendship” in the English Ordinal system equals 108 (one unknown object in eternity process)

one zero eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 147 (one left part of brain all vices in check)

one four seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 159 (one all senses in no process)

one five nine ” in the English Ordinal system equals 118 (one in one eternity process)

one one eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 117 ( one in one all vices in check)

one one seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (one in yes, no, may be yes, no, may be process)

one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one left side of brain, all vices in check but one process)

The way this reads has been kind of my experience with male to female friendships so far.  It usually ends up not having all vices in check!  Usually the one that isn’t in check is lust lol.

friend zone” in the English Ordinal system equals 116 (one in one all vices in check but one)

one one six” in the English Ordinal system equals 120 (one in light and shadow of self with known and or unknown object)

one two zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 156  (one all senses all vices in check but one)

one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128 (one in light and shadow of self with eternity )

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141  (one in left side of brain one self )

 

 

22 August 2020 Privacy, Security and Alone

Hello to you it’s Saturday how are you doing?  I hope things are going well for you .  I have had a significant change to my lifestyle moving in with my aunt and uncle.  I don’t have privacy like I used to have but I do have security and I am not alone .  I am grateful for the change because for a couple of months I was living a strange existence nearly completely alone! Thank goodness I had Link.   As much as quarantine sucks, it is like security by definition in the numbers!  I was surprised by that.

In looking at a couple key words it’s interesting to see how closely they match the actual definition of the words:

privacy” in the English Ordinal system equals 94 (no process, right side of brain)

nine four” in the English Ordinal system equals 102 (one object in a light and shadow process of self)

one zero two” in the English Ordinal system equals 156 (one sensory all he vices in check but one)”

one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128 (one light and shadow process of self in eternity)

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (one left brain process for one)

 

security” in the English Ordinal system equals 120 (one light and shadow process of self with unknown)

one two zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 156 (one sensory all he vices in check but one)”

one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128 (one light and shadow process of self in eternity)

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (one left brain process for one)

(“quarantine ” in the English Ordinal system equals 120)

 

alone” in the English Ordinal system equals 47 (left side of the brain all vices in check)

four seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one light and shadow process of self with the senses)

 

 

 

 

 

 

14 June 2020 Walk and Talk

Hello to you.  How are you today?  I am doing better than I was doing this morning.  Sometimes mornings are hard for me.  I have been trying to sleep without a sleep aid and so far have been kind of successful.

Something that seems to help me with anxiety the most lately, and I realize I have mentioned it before,  is the combined activity of walking and talking at the same time .  My family gives me a call and I take them on a walk with me, “Hello?  Wait a minute, let me get on my shoes.”  So my neighbors have become accustomed to seeing me out with my cell phone while I walk.  The magic number for time is about 40 minutes or less.  Depending on how hot it is, sometimes it can just be a walk around the block but it helps.

walk and talk” in the English Ordinal system equals 110

purpose” in the English Ordinal system equals 110

 

 

 

28 MAy 2020 Stuff

Hello to you.  How are you this morning?  Well Link and I have had our walk and I forced myself to eat some breakfast sitting at the table.  I have been having trouble sitting still for meals since I got home from the hospital.  Just another anxiety provoking thing I’m working through.  Last night before bed I was having to keep my mind from teleporting all over the place, “stay with Link” and “stay here Jackie” are phrases I’m having to use a lot.  So many parts of my life provoke a teleport of my mind and heart to another time.

Speaking of another time….my stuff is a big time trigger right now.

With things going the way they are, I am going to be moving.  We are having discussions with what is the best way to transport my stuff from here to Idaho.  I think we have narrowed it down to a Uhaul truck.  The quote for the POD was $3800 with almost $300 for rent a month.  A lot of the deliberation about this has been whether or not all the stuff I’ve decided to keep will fit in one device or another and not cost us a fortune!   I’ve already gotten rid of so much and there is still a couple things left.   I hate the thought of putting our King size bed at the curb!

This morning I was thinking about the movies my husband and I had collected and my journals.  He is going to try and sell most of the movies.  The journals I think are going to be transported one more time but there is a part of me that is almost ready to let them go.  I have no intention of going back through them and I don’t expect anybody else is going to want to either.  Unlike movies though, you can’t just go get another copy of a journal.   With movies you can also find another way to watch and or acquire another copy.  We’ll see what happens!  I have some more time to think about it.

Anyhew that’s where we are at in our process right now.  I’m trying to stay in the present moment.  I am trying to remain grateful for what and who I have.