4 Aug 2020 It’s hard to practice what you preach

Good morning and hello to you wherever and whenever you are,  Its a new day and I am finding myself wondering what to do with it!  So I decided to write a bit.  The topic that came to mind is about how hard it is to practice what you tell other people to do – to put into practice what you preach.

For so many years I was in a happy space and everything was relatively easy and it was from that frame of mind that I did this blog.  When I had my husbands support I felt like I could do anything. Now I am on my own and I feel a lot differently.  I feel like the foundation to me has been removed and I am on a shifting surface.  So I am having to figure out how to support myself and it’s hard.

I have a dear friend who has been trying to help me be my own “safe person.”  For several months now she has been that person for me but she had to go back to work  She described herself as training wheels for me.  What’s funny is I was never the person that my family has been getting to know.  They didn’t know the confident, strong, self-reliant me at least not in person.  I used to be able to do a lot without having my hands held and now that is all changed. Now everything seems to be a big deal!

Staying in the present moment is particularly difficult with my mind that keeps wanting to drag me back to the past.  At age 52 I have a lot of past to sift through for every moment of the day.  As if late, I keep going back to Alvarado and the house and I have to let that go soon!

I used to be the one to dispense all kinds of advice and pep talks and now I am on the receiving end of  it and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn’t, it just makes it worse.  For someone to talk to me, it’s like they have to walk through a field of landmines of conversations that will blow up and provoke anxiety.

Practice what you preach” in the English Ordinal system equals 239 (Jackie is in this=39)

two three nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 156

one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141

What I am finding too is that since all this has happened everything makes me so sensitive.  This includes food and drink.  I have been off coffee and tea for several months now because of the jitters I get from my blood sugar changing.  I am having to learn how to eat and drink again.

Bottom line to all of this I’ve written is I am having learn how to live again because the life I had is gone.  I have to believe God has a plan for me just not sure what it is yet.

 

 

8 June 2020 Anxiety control

Hello to you.  I haven’t written in a few days.  I have been hesitant to write because I am trying to keep my anxiety under control.  Also I have been sharing my posts on Facebook and I am now trying to stay off of there! Even  my transition care manager that called me today said he’s been taking time off of Facebook right now.

Tomorrow I have a phone call with my doctor so I can let him know everything that has been going on in the anxiety department and hopefully he will have something he can prescribe for me to take as needed to help me.  I don’t want to be on anti-anxiety meds forever just something mild to help take the edge off of what I’m going through right now.  Something else that has been working is doing a walk and talk with family on the cell phone. The combination of walking and talking seems to help.

My poor family that has been trying to hold my hand through this is all long distance right now.  They are doing their best to help me.  Their phone calls really help – they usually end up going on a walk with me!

18 May 2020 Reaching out

Hello to you.  It’s Monday again and I made it through the night.  Sleeping through the night is rough right now even with an  aide.  I’ll wake up in the night and anxiety provoking thoughts float flitter in.  A lot of them center around my husband.  Our family and friends have really been helping during the day but they can’t help me through the night.  Link is my cuddle buddy but he can do only so much!

Lately I’ve been doing a lot of reaching out a lot more.  I find even a couple texts back and forth help me.  I have been feeling almost paralyzed in my body lately.  I am having to force myself to do things that used to seem so effortless before.  Things I used to like to do are more difficult right now.  Just watching the wrong thing on tv can provoke swells of anxiety in me.

Writing here has been helping me process what is going on inside and keep my family and friends up to date on how I’m doing.

For me, right now, it’s one moment at a time and to continue to reach out.  I don’t ever want what has happened the past couple of years to happen again.

I am having to remind myself a lot to stay in the present moment.  My inner voice, that sounds a lot like my husbands voice, saying, “Jackie, stay here.  Stay in the now.  You can’t change what has already happened.  You can only go forward and be better.”

Thank you as always for stopping by and walking with me on this journey.

17 May 2020 Comfort from unlikely places – visit from Sam

Good morning to you. It’s Sunday as I write.  Link and I got out already and manage to get around the block together.  We snuggled all night and were reluctant to get out of bed but we needed to.   The past few days I have been set up in the bedroom with  my laptop.  I just haven’t felt like being in the rest of the house for too long right now.  I’m in the middle of a process right now and it’s a very uncomfortable place to be.

I have been receiving really good advice come from my faraway family and friends.   I have been practicing some of it the past couple of days.  The advice isn’t new but when you are in the middle of “the feelings” you just don’t remember crap to put it bluntly.  My cousins wife has helped me with remembering to do deep breathing, may be to try counting when I walk if I find myself ruminating on things too much.

The words of comfort and great advice help me in my head but my body is different.  I miss the tangible presence of my husband.  I miss hugs.  I miss kisses.  I miss waking up and seeing him and hearing his voice.   I miss having someone to talk to that at one time use to understand me better than I understood myself sometimes.

The Nothing Compares To You song was in my head this morning.  It’s the first song my husband and I listened to when we got home after Sam left us.

Sam visited me in my dreams last night and was so excited to see me.  He was bigger in our dream visit than when he was here in life.  He was healthy and vibrant and full of joy.  It was very comforting.  I think it was God working in mysterious ways again.  God just knew I needed comfort from an unlikely place, to have a visit from an old friend.

This morning I went and got the fleece version of him I sewed 9 years ago now and just held him this morning.  It helped me some to do that.

I sewed this fleece version of Sam 9 years ago. I started sewing these to help me with grief and it only makes sense this one would help me now.

Writing about all this is helping me process part of what’s happening in my life right now.  Thank you for visiting, reading, your kind thoughts and your prayers.

16 May 2020 Making it another day

Hello to you.  How are you doing today? I’m finding myself in a better place this morning.  I feel grateful to be making it to another day in the circumstances I find myself in.   I am trying to remain grateful.

Last night I had another battle with anxiety.  What happens is I start thinking too far ahead or ruminating on all the uncertainties in front of me and things I can’t control.  Then I start to get that extremely uncomfortable anxious feeling in my gut.   Relief has come from physical exertion and doing normal things.  I am having to relearn what normal things are for myself right now.  I find there are a lot of things I used to do that I just can’t bring myself to do right now.

I really feel like  I am really having a test in my life right now with the concept of mindfulness.  That concept of staying in the present moment.

I am having to ask myself internally a lot, “what can you do about it and if the answer is nothing right now why are you dwelling on it?”  Something my husband used to do for me and now I’m having to do for myself is to remind myself that worrying about things doesn’t do any good.  It’s usually easier said than done he’s right.

The pandemic is still here in Texas but they have really started to lift restrictions so places can open back up.  I went to get groceries yesterday at our local Brookshire’s and some of the shelves were cleared out!  One of the biggest areas that was cleared was the aisle with cleaning supplies – nothing but concentrated Clorox for example.  I can tell they are having trouble keeping some things stocked up right now.  I’m just grateful to be able to get the basics right now.

Well I hope however this blog finds you that you are well.  Everybody is telling me that I’m strong and that I will get through all that’s going on.  I’m just learning to take a few steps at a time and having a lot of faith.

 

14 May 2020 Support Systems

Hello to you.  How are you doing today?  Well I’m up, got a load of laundry in and some hot tea brewed.  I got some sleep last night which is important right now for me to stay strong.  I’m working on the new laptop I ordered  and so far so good on that.  I bought it planning for downsizing and mobility for my future.

So what’s on my mind after the past couple of days is support systems and how important they are to have when you are going through the many things I’m going through at once.   I just recently got out of the hospital.  We are planning to be sell our house.  I will be making a long distance move.  My husband and I are separated and will potentially be getting a divorce.  That’s a lot of stuff to go through at once!   Everybody that knows, loves and cares about me wants for my happiness so a support system is getting stronger to help me through all of this.

I have been talking a lot to the family I ultimately will be living with and near.  They have become a strong support system for me long distance but they have encouraged me to make sure I have something here as well.

My husband is only able to do so much considering what is going on between us.  I am realizing without him here with me just how much I relied on him for a bunch of things to include moral support.   It’s really hard living without him!  With everything that’s happened,  I can’t completely rely on him and his family now and understandably so.  They have already been very helpful and are doing what they can given the circumstances and for that I’m very grateful.

One of the big obstacles for me right now is living in the house with our shared stuff and contemplating getting a POD delivered and having to pack it.   I’m feeling a overwhelmed and have been experiencing a lot of anxiety.    My Aunt encouraged me to back off a little and allow my husband to do his part too.   What’s going on is a lot of the stuff we have isn’t even worth keeping or selling.  He’s already taken most of what he says he wants out of the house but there is a lot of furniture and clothing yet of his here.  I can’t just put everything to the curb for the garbage to pick up.  The garbage people only pick up so much stuff at a time.   I just have to be patient about this and trust we will get it all worked out.

So I am having to use the system that has been put in place for me and reach out in the ways I can so I stay connected.  With this pandemic going on things aren’t as easy as they used to be but at least there is something.

Like my Aunt told me yesterday, we are going to use the technology we have to our advantage.  She said she has been praying for me a lot and God even answered saying, “She’s your gift.”  I hope so, sometimes I don’t feel like one!  We decided we can talk every day if we want to!  We will do whatever we have to do to get through this as a family.

Yesterday I also had a long visit with my cousins wife who has a Master’s in Psychology and that really helped a lot.  She emphasized the importance of my utilizing the system I have access to.  For example just having someone to talk to at least once a week from a professional standpoint that isn’t family – someone to check on me kind of thing.  So I made contact with my Care Manager and arranged for that.  As she and I talked about, just having someone to talk to even for a few minutes really helps you get through the day. Something else wise she said, “we are not our problems.”   Hearing her say that really resonated with me.

I am sharing all of this as a way to help me help others if that makes sense. Writing also helps me process what  I’m going through.    Something I learned when I was in AA was to share my experience, strength and hope.  When you share the difficulties you are going through and how you are going through them, you can potentially help someone else facing similar circumstances.

Thank you in advance friends and family who visit me here and read.  Your support means a lot to me!