Hello there how are you? It’s a gray and overcast Monday as I write to you. There wasn’t light until 8! How is it where you live?
So yesterday I went over to my Aunt and Uncles to help make jalapeño pepper jam. I had never done that before. I was in charge of measuring the sugar and other odd jobs. My two cousins and cousins daughter were there and it was good to see them. I was so in the moment I didn’t get any pictures of the jam! My uncle John was the only man in the outfit!
I didn’t get to stay too long as my bowels were acting up. They made about 4 batches of jam and they used the jalapeños after they were juiced for salsa.
I heard the sad news today that Colin Powell died from complications of Covid-19 and cancer . He was the first black Secretary of State . One of my favorite quotes is from him :
The day soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you have stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help them or concluded that you do not care. Either case is a failure of leadership.”
“We stand in this moment a foothold in time. Where do we go from here? Do we reach to the top shelves for the hidden best or do we continue to grimace in pain as we stoop for the obvious? The stream of life flows forward so swiftly with hands still reaching back. Grasping anything to steady us as we lose our footing. What is our identity? Who are our tribes? We think we are standing still but the sand continues to give way. We are but mere little children in this vast cosmos. Time stretching forward and backwards in a snapshot of space. The all seeing eye of time a voyeur to our rise and fall.”
Good morning to you, how are you doing? I am doing ok so far today. Still making progress for finding a place to live, hopefully will have a lead on a place Monday. Ideally, I’d like to find a little house for Link and I to rent but a lot of the ones that have come up so far don’t allow pets. A lot of them are already rented. There are some nice apartments we have inquired about but I don’t qualify. I really wanted to avoid living in an apartment again but might not have much of a choice. Something nice I can afford will present itself and it will be just the right place.
The word of today is impulsive (something I am trying to avoid doing with this use search):
impulsive[imˈpəlsiv]ADJECTIVE acting or done without forethought.
“impulsive ” in the English Ordinal system equals 126 (a game, a God)(a one light and shadow process of self all vices in check but one)
“one two six” in the English Ordinal system equals 144 (a brain)(a one right and left side brain process)
“one four four” in the English Ordinal system equals 154 (a play)(a one all senses engaged right brain)
one five four ” in the English Ordinal system equals 136 (a child)(a one yes, no, may be process all vices in check but one
one three six” in the English Ordinal system equals 142 (a self)(one right sight brain light and shadow of self process)
“one four two” in the English Ordinal system equals 152 (a sun)(one all senses process of light and shadow self)
‘”one five two” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (a one) (one yes, no, may be right side of brain process)
Hello to you, how are you doing? I hope from whenever and wherever you are you are having a good today,
I had a couple of interesting dreams last night. One of them was of seeing Princess Diana in a wedding veil and telling her she could stay, whatever that meant. The other dream had to do with former President Ronald Reagan and getting car keys from him but instead of getting a car there were beds with numbers on them.
Today is my cousins’ sons wedding and we are having an orange level air quality day. I hope it clears up for them. The sky is gray, like clouds are in the sky, but it smells like burning! I made my final decision about whether I was going to the wedding or not and I have decided not to go. I just want the day to be about them and their happiness. I can’t stop thinking about my own stuff and how I feel about it. In my minds eye, I keep seeing myself in black dress looking like I did when I married my ex but alone. I miss my ex-husband very much and am having trouble moving on without him. When I think about things I feel like I am being pulled apart !
“today” in the English Ordinal system equals 65 (all vices in check but one for all the 5 senses)
(“white” in the English Ordinal system equals 65)
“one two September two zero two zero ” in the English Ordinal system equals 439 (left side of brain yes, no, may be, no existence” and ironically my name 39 is in here)
these values above made me think of yin and yang :
Yin and Yang
In Ancient Chinese philosophy, yin and yang (/jɪn/ and; Chinese: 陰陽 yīnyáng, lit. “dark-bright”, “negative-positive”) is a concept of dualism, describing how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another. In Chinese cosmology, the universe creates itself out of a primary chaos of material energy, organized into the cycles of Yin and Yang and formed into objects and lives. Yin is the receptive and Yang the active principle, seen in all forms of change and difference such as the annual cycle (winter and summer), the landscape (north-facing shade and south-facing brightness), sexual coupling (female and male), the formation of both women and men as characters and sociopolitical history (disorder and order).
“ruminating” in the English Ordinal system equals 126
sleep” in the English Ordinal system equals 57
“caffeine” in the English Ordinal system equals 49
“sugar” in the English Ordinal system equals 66
I have found ruminating too much to be hazardous. So when there is “too many mind” I try to think of something else. Problem is if you don’t consciously direct where your thoughts go, the mind will choose a path of it’s own. Where your thoughts go there goes the body too (something I learned from Joyce Meyers a long time ago).
Some of the medication I take is to help alleviate anxiety and ironically it makes me sleepy. This leaves my mind free to torment me with flashbacks like my wedding and songs that evoke a negative physical reaction. My cousins son is getting married in a few days and what I’m going through makes it difficult to be happy for them. I keep having to remind my mind that the wedding isn’t about me it’s about them. My feelings are so strong I have decided not to attend the wedding. I am afraid I would want to get up and leave during the middle of the ceremony.
I am sincerely hoping and praying at some point I will be able to be comfortable in my own skin again. I want to be able to remember the good stuff about my life without it being run over by the sad.
Hello to you it’s Friday. Another week has ended. I hope this finds you well wherever and whenever you are. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed to be honest. Yesterday we both got our house on the market and a bid all at once. There were lots of digital documents to sign and I didn’t even know what I’m signing. The asking price is $200,000 and the bid $195,000. When I initially thought about selling the house it was to sell it “as is” so anything above what we paid is a bonus.
I like things to be simple and uncomplicated and something like this can be overwhelming for me. Thank goodness I have cousins in real estate and friends that are willing to to talk to me to help me get through this.
“overwhelmed” in the English Ordinal system equals 130 (one, yes no may be process, with the unknown)
“selling a home” in the English Ordinal system equals 120 (one, light and shadow process, with the unknown)
“selling your home” in the English Ordinal system equals 198 (one, no process with eternity and or racetrack of life)
“anxiety ” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (interesting how anxiety’s numeric value is in selling your home)
Good morning and hello to you wherever and whenever you are, Its a new day and I am finding myself wondering what to do with it! So I decided to write a bit. The topic that came to mind is about how hard it is to practice what you tell other people to do – to put into practice what you preach.
For so many years I was in a happy space and everything was relatively easy and it was from that frame of mind that I did this blog. When I had my husbands support I felt like I could do anything. Now I am on my own and I feel a lot differently. I feel like the foundation to me has been removed and I am on a shifting surface. So I am having to figure out how to support myself and it’s hard.
I have a dear friend who has been trying to help me be my own “safe person.” For several months now she has been that person for me but she had to go back to work She described herself as training wheels for me. What’s funny is I was never the person that my family has been getting to know. They didn’t know the confident, strong, self-reliant me at least not in person. I used to be able to do a lot without having my hands held and now that is all changed. Now everything seems to be a big deal!
Staying in the present moment is particularly difficult with my mind that keeps wanting to drag me back to the past. At age 52 I have a lot of past to sift through for every moment of the day. As if late, I keep going back to Alvarado and the house and I have to let that go soon!
I used to be the one to dispense all kinds of advice and pep talks and now I am on the receiving end of it and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn’t, it just makes it worse. For someone to talk to me, it’s like they have to walk through a field of landmines of conversations that will blow up and provoke anxiety.
“Practice what you preach” in the English Ordinal system equals 239 (Jackie is in this=39)
“two three nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 156
one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128
“one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141
What I am finding too is that since all this has happened everything makes me so sensitive. This includes food and drink. I have been off coffee and tea for several months now because of the jitters I get from my blood sugar changing. I am having to learn how to eat and drink again.
Bottom line to all of this I’ve written is I am having learn how to live again because the life I had is gone. I have to believe God has a plan for me just not sure what it is yet.
Hello to you. I haven’t written in a few days. I have been hesitant to write because I am trying to keep my anxiety under control. Also I have been sharing my posts on Facebook and I am now trying to stay off of there! Even my transition care manager that called me today said he’s been taking time off of Facebook right now.
Tomorrow I have a phone call with my doctor so I can let him know everything that has been going on in the anxiety department and hopefully he will have something he can prescribe for me to take as needed to help me. I don’t want to be on anti-anxiety meds forever just something mild to help take the edge off of what I’m going through right now. Something else that has been working is doing a walk and talk with family on the cell phone. The combination of walking and talking seems to help.
My poor family that has been trying to hold my hand through this is all long distance right now. They are doing their best to help me. Their phone calls really help – they usually end up going on a walk with me!
Hello to you. It’s Monday again and I made it through the night. Sleeping through the night is rough right now even with an aide. I’ll wake up in the night and anxiety provoking thoughts float flitter in. A lot of them center around my husband. Our family and friends have really been helping during the day but they can’t help me through the night. Link is my cuddle buddy but he can do only so much!
Lately I’ve been doing a lot of reaching out a lot more. I find even a couple texts back and forth help me. I have been feeling almost paralyzed in my body lately. I am having to force myself to do things that used to seem so effortless before. Things I used to like to do are more difficult right now. Just watching the wrong thing on tv can provoke swells of anxiety in me.
Writing here has been helping me process what is going on inside and keep my family and friends up to date on how I’m doing.
For me, right now, it’s one moment at a time and to continue to reach out. I don’t ever want what has happened the past couple of years to happen again.
I am having to remind myself a lot to stay in the present moment. My inner voice, that sounds a lot like my husbands voice, saying, “Jackie, stay here. Stay in the now. You can’t change what has already happened. You can only go forward and be better.”
Thank you as always for stopping by and walking with me on this journey.
Good morning to you. It’s Sunday as I write. Link and I got out already and manage to get around the block together. We snuggled all night and were reluctant to get out of bed but we needed to. The past few days I have been set up in the bedroom with my laptop. I just haven’t felt like being in the rest of the house for too long right now. I’m in the middle of a process right now and it’s a very uncomfortable place to be.
I have been receiving really good advice come from my faraway family and friends. I have been practicing some of it the past couple of days. The advice isn’t new but when you are in the middle of “the feelings” you just don’t remember crap to put it bluntly. My cousins wife has helped me with remembering to do deep breathing, may be to try counting when I walk if I find myself ruminating on things too much.
The words of comfort and great advice help me in my head but my body is different. I miss the tangible presence of my husband. I miss hugs. I miss kisses. I miss waking up and seeing him and hearing his voice. I miss having someone to talk to that at one time use to understand me better than I understood myself sometimes.
The Nothing Compares To You song was in my head this morning. It’s the first song my husband and I listened to when we got home after Sam left us.
Sam visited me in my dreams last night and was so excited to see me. He was bigger in our dream visit than when he was here in life. He was healthy and vibrant and full of joy. It was very comforting. I think it was God working in mysterious ways again. God just knew I needed comfort from an unlikely place, to have a visit from an old friend.
This morning I went and got the fleece version of him I sewed 9 years ago now and just held him this morning. It helped me some to do that.
Writing about all this is helping me process part of what’s happening in my life right now. Thank you for visiting, reading, your kind thoughts and your prayers.
Hello to you. How are you doing today? I’m finding myself in a better place this morning. I feel grateful to be making it to another day in the circumstances I find myself in. I am trying to remain grateful.
Last night I had another battle with anxiety. What happens is I start thinking too far ahead or ruminating on all the uncertainties in front of me and things I can’t control. Then I start to get that extremely uncomfortable anxious feeling in my gut. Relief has come from physical exertion and doing normal things. I am having to relearn what normal things are for myself right now. I find there are a lot of things I used to do that I just can’t bring myself to do right now.
I really feel like I am really having a test in my life right now with the concept of mindfulness. That concept of staying in the present moment.
I am having to ask myself internally a lot, “what can you do about it and if the answer is nothing right now why are you dwelling on it?” Something my husband used to do for me and now I’m having to do for myself is to remind myself that worrying about things doesn’t do any good. It’s usually easier said than done he’s right.
The pandemic is still here in Texas but they have really started to lift restrictions so places can open back up. I went to get groceries yesterday at our local Brookshire’s and some of the shelves were cleared out! One of the biggest areas that was cleared was the aisle with cleaning supplies – nothing but concentrated Clorox for example. I can tell they are having trouble keeping some things stocked up right now. I’m just grateful to be able to get the basics right now.
Well I hope however this blog finds you that you are well. Everybody is telling me that I’m strong and that I will get through all that’s going on. I’m just learning to take a few steps at a time and having a lot of faith.