28 MAy 2020 Stuff

Hello to you.  How are you this morning?  Well Link and I have had our walk and I forced myself to eat some breakfast sitting at the table.  I have been having trouble sitting still for meals since I got home from the hospital.  Just another anxiety provoking thing I’m working through.  Last night before bed I was having to keep my mind from teleporting all over the place, “stay with Link” and “stay here Jackie” are phrases I’m having to use a lot.  So many parts of my life provoke a teleport of my mind and heart to another time.

Speaking of another time….my stuff is a big time trigger right now.

With things going the way they are, I am going to be moving.  We are having discussions with what is the best way to transport my stuff from here to Idaho.  I think we have narrowed it down to a Uhaul truck.  The quote for the POD was $3800 with almost $300 for rent a month.  A lot of the deliberation about this has been whether or not all the stuff I’ve decided to keep will fit in one device or another and not cost us a fortune!   I’ve already gotten rid of so much and there is still a couple things left.   I hate the thought of putting our King size bed at the curb!

This morning I was thinking about the movies my husband and I had collected and my journals.  He is going to try and sell most of the movies.  The journals I think are going to be transported one more time but there is a part of me that is almost ready to let them go.  I have no intention of going back through them and I don’t expect anybody else is going to want to either.  Unlike movies though, you can’t just go get another copy of a journal.   With movies you can also find another way to watch and or acquire another copy.  We’ll see what happens!  I have some more time to think about it.

Anyhew that’s where we are at in our process right now.  I’m trying to stay in the present moment.  I am trying to remain grateful for what and who I have.

26 September 2020 Friends

Hello to you.  How are you today?  This morning I am still processing what happened yesterday.  I went out and spent a few hours with husband and his family for Memorial Day.  Kyle and I had the talk I been dreading for us to have but it was necessary.  Spot sat between us.  The past four years have just proven to be more than Kyle can take.  He is also trying to progress in a career where he is going to be gone a lot.   I may not be financially high maintenance but emotionally I can be.  I’m kind of like a dog with separation anxiety to be honest.   I don’t do well being by myself too long.  So he’s doing what is best for himself and ultimately I think this will be good for me too I just can’t see it yet.  I think things are going to be alright.  With everything that has happened between us the past few years, our friendship remains intact and that means the world to me!   I got to spend time with Spot too and she seemed much more relaxed than I’ve seen her in a long time which is a good thing.

25 May 2020 – beautiful Spotty in her first bed

At about 3 pm Tim played TAPS.  It reminded me of when we had all gone to Arlington National Cemetery and he and his family played.

25 May 2020 Tim Played TAPS in honor of Memorial Day
25 May 2020 Beth Tim Kyle and Cole

We played a few rounds of Yahtzee and of course I didn’t win!  It was fun to spend some time together like that.  I am blessed to have such understanding people as family.

25 May 2020 – Yahtzee!
25 May 2020 – handsome Henry. He and Link are always fighting over Kyle’s Mom Beth!

 

14 May 2020 Support Systems

Hello to you.  How are you doing today?  Well I’m up, got a load of laundry in and some hot tea brewed.  I got some sleep last night which is important right now for me to stay strong.  I’m working on the new laptop I ordered  and so far so good on that.  I bought it planning for downsizing and mobility for my future.

So what’s on my mind after the past couple of days is support systems and how important they are to have when you are going through the many things I’m going through at once.   I just recently got out of the hospital.  We are planning to be sell our house.  I will be making a long distance move.  My husband and I are separated and will potentially be getting a divorce.  That’s a lot of stuff to go through at once!   Everybody that knows, loves and cares about me wants for my happiness so a support system is getting stronger to help me through all of this.

I have been talking a lot to the family I ultimately will be living with and near.  They have become a strong support system for me long distance but they have encouraged me to make sure I have something here as well.

My husband is only able to do so much considering what is going on between us.  I am realizing without him here with me just how much I relied on him for a bunch of things to include moral support.   It’s really hard living without him!  With everything that’s happened,  I can’t completely rely on him and his family now and understandably so.  They have already been very helpful and are doing what they can given the circumstances and for that I’m very grateful.

One of the big obstacles for me right now is living in the house with our shared stuff and contemplating getting a POD delivered and having to pack it.   I’m feeling a overwhelmed and have been experiencing a lot of anxiety.    My Aunt encouraged me to back off a little and allow my husband to do his part too.   What’s going on is a lot of the stuff we have isn’t even worth keeping or selling.  He’s already taken most of what he says he wants out of the house but there is a lot of furniture and clothing yet of his here.  I can’t just put everything to the curb for the garbage to pick up.  The garbage people only pick up so much stuff at a time.   I just have to be patient about this and trust we will get it all worked out.

So I am having to use the system that has been put in place for me and reach out in the ways I can so I stay connected.  With this pandemic going on things aren’t as easy as they used to be but at least there is something.

Like my Aunt told me yesterday, we are going to use the technology we have to our advantage.  She said she has been praying for me a lot and God even answered saying, “She’s your gift.”  I hope so, sometimes I don’t feel like one!  We decided we can talk every day if we want to!  We will do whatever we have to do to get through this as a family.

Yesterday I also had a long visit with my cousins wife who has a Master’s in Psychology and that really helped a lot.  She emphasized the importance of my utilizing the system I have access to.  For example just having someone to talk to at least once a week from a professional standpoint that isn’t family – someone to check on me kind of thing.  So I made contact with my Care Manager and arranged for that.  As she and I talked about, just having someone to talk to even for a few minutes really helps you get through the day. Something else wise she said, “we are not our problems.”   Hearing her say that really resonated with me.

I am sharing all of this as a way to help me help others if that makes sense. Writing also helps me process what  I’m going through.    Something I learned when I was in AA was to share my experience, strength and hope.  When you share the difficulties you are going through and how you are going through them, you can potentially help someone else facing similar circumstances.

Thank you in advance friends and family who visit me here and read.  Your support means a lot to me!

11 May 2020 Things change

Hello to you.  It’s early in the morning and I cannot sleep any more right now.  I figured I might as well write a few lines.  Yesterday was a tough day for me but not unexpected.  It seems things are going to be changing for my family.   My family is fixing to get smaller and bigger at the same time.

For my readers of this blog who have been with me a long time, you know this blog is a tool for me to help me sort things out both good and bad going on in my life.  Thank you in advance for reading and your support!

Yesterday I found out that my husband has decided it’s time for us to go our separate ways.   We both agreed that the way the past four years have been for us, especially him, we can go no further together.  This means a lot of changes for our little family.  The timing for this isn’t the greatest in light of what’s going on in the the world around us and I’m very sad this is happening.  The bottom line though is we are parting ways as friends.  I care for and  plan to always care for him and his family.  We just aren’t going to be husband and wife anymore.

Let our story be a cautionary tale for those reading out there who have the Bipolar label, have family who is Bipolar, are married or are considering marrying someone like me who is Bipolar.  This is the second marriage that this condition, not properly treated and maintained has destroyed for me.   I take a large part to blame for the failure of this marriage.

There is one word that leaps out the most from this journey and that is denial.

For so many years I tried to live with my husband in such a way that made my labels were not a part of the equation.  Ultimately that just made it worse.  When you have this condition or any of the other labels I’ve put on myself like being a highly sensitive/porous/spiritual person, you have to have a proper treatment plan.   I didn’t do my part to the full extent I should have.

It will be really important that that during the transition I am about to make, I still will be able to have access to the care to have proper treatment.  

I have decided once we get everything resolved here, especially the selling of this house, Link and will be headed West to join my family in Idaho.   It’s going to be a long journey, but it sounds like I will have help getting there.

I am blessed to have amazing family and friends both his and mine who have immediately stepped up for both of us about this.  I know it’s not going to be easy but I am having to really go to a new place from denial and that is faith.    I will have to have a stronger faith that for whatever reason this is happening now,  it’s going to be ultimately for a better life for all of us in the future.