Hello to you. How are you this morning? Well Link and I have had our walk and I forced myself to eat some breakfast sitting at the table. I have been having trouble sitting still for meals since I got home from the hospital. Just another anxiety provoking thing I’m working through. Last night before bed I was having to keep my mind from teleporting all over the place, “stay with Link” and “stay here Jackie” are phrases I’m having to use a lot. So many parts of my life provoke a teleport of my mind and heart to another time.
Speaking of another time….my stuff is a big time trigger right now.
With things going the way they are, I am going to be moving. We are having discussions with what is the best way to transport my stuff from here to Idaho. I think we have narrowed it down to a Uhaul truck. The quote for the POD was $3800 with almost $300 for rent a month. A lot of the deliberation about this has been whether or not all the stuff I’ve decided to keep will fit in one device or another and not cost us a fortune! I’ve already gotten rid of so much and there is still a couple things left. I hate the thought of putting our King size bed at the curb!
This morning I was thinking about the movies my husband and I had collected and my journals. He is going to try and sell most of the movies. The journals I think are going to be transported one more time but there is a part of me that is almost ready to let them go. I have no intention of going back through them and I don’t expect anybody else is going to want to either. Unlike movies though, you can’t just go get another copy of a journal. With movies you can also find another way to watch and or acquire another copy. We’ll see what happens! I have some more time to think about it.
Anyhew that’s where we are at in our process right now. I’m trying to stay in the present moment. I am trying to remain grateful for what and who I have.
Hello to. How are you doing today? I’m up and got Link out on the morning drag. When you walk Link it’s not always you walking him but him having a pretty good idea of what the walk is about. He definitely has his own agenda! Boy dog stuff – “I MUST pee here and I MUST leave a dribble on this particular blade of grass.” Since he’s been back home he’s also been barking in the house a lot more than I remember him doing before. He and Spot used to bark, but not as much as he has been doing lately. He doesn’t have Daddy to keep him line!
Lately I have been coping with anxiety that is associated with memories. So much of my life is filled with my husband that with us being separated like we are, I have been having trouble. Everything I do has a memory associated with him and that evokes a feeling of anxiety and longing in me, Every part of the day from eating breakfast, going for the morning walk, playing a video game we used to play and even taking a shower at night are all filled with memories…..ghosts of our shared past. He was and in my mind and heart still is, my everything. I am having to make new patterns and I can feel myself resisting doing that. I don’t want to figure out how to live my life without the man I love!
My family has been reminding me that I have to stay in the now and quit going backwards to avoid those anxious feelings and it’s hard for me right now! I am sure God has a plan in all this but some of it sure seems to hurt!
I baked cupcakes yesterday to take out to him and the family for Memorial Day. I had packed up a bunch of my kitchen stuff so it was nice to get it back out for that – to do something normal. Hopefully the weather is going to cooperate. They were talking about us getting potentially heavy rain tomorrow…..I hope not. I have been looking forward to this for so long! I miss my husband, Spot and most definitely seeing tangible family.
Not much else to write. I’m trying to stay in the habit of writing as a part of my therapy and coping strategies.