Bipolar and damaged marriage

16 September 2020 Being Realistic

September 16, 2020 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello there, how are you today? I’m writing to you while I am cuddling with Link where we are all warm and fuzzy. It was in the 40’s again this morning! I didn’t wear a jacket but I certainly could have. The skies are still ashen gray with all the fires surrounding the state.

This morning my Aunt and I were talking about some things and the phrase being realistic stuck with me. I used to be, especially when I’m manic, like to live in a fantasy world and start connecting dots that don’t belong together. Part of the connecting the dots is my living in a nonsensical world and trying to make sense of it! I can take seemingly random pieces of my life and piece them together and they make sense—to me.

The other part of being realistic has to do with relationships. I am wanting to meet someone and fill the void that was created by the end of my marriage. I have to keep in mind that realistically no one is going to be able to do that. So I am having to accept that it may be awhile until I find someone compatible comes along; they have huge shoes to fill.

I was married to a man who was able to be home a lot and keep me company. We believed that it was more important to be together than to make a lot of money. We were rarely apart. With the separation and divorce I had to go from that to the life I’m living now; it has been rough. Realistically, whomever I am with has to be able to work and I have to be able to be independent. For some reason I lost my independence in my relationship with my husband. I am starting to think it goes all the way back to my early retirement from the military and subsequent divorce. I jumped right into my relationship with my current husband without taking time to heal. Now I am having to process aspects of both failed marriages at once. I lost my self confidence and self esteem having my career and marriage fall apart like it did. Now, with this current failed marriage, my self esteem has been completely shattered.

“being realistic” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (ironically a 13 in here) one yes, no, may be yes,no, may be existence. the=33)

“one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one left side brain all vices in check but one existence. body =46)

“one four six” in the English Ordinal system equals 146

divorce” in the English Ordinal system equals 76 (my maiden name matches this number !)

“shattered” in the English Ordinal system equals 100 (this number looks like a person, place or object destroyed)

“self esteem” in the English Ordinal system equals 109 (one person, place, thing and “no” existence)

“failed marriage” in the English Ordinal system equals 109 ( I thought it curious this number matches self esteem)

“Let go and let God” in the English Ordinal system equals 141

I am having to do a lot of letting go and letting God these days!

19 May 2020 Moment to Moment

May 19, 2020 by saymber, posted in Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How are you doing today? I’m doing better now that Link and I had our walk and then I made myself some breakfast! I know, simple, normal things but it’s those little things that help me move forward. The past couple of days have been a moment to moment kind of thing. I will be feeling ok and then if I’m not careful I will start ruminating on things from the past or memories and just get all anxious inside.

I am realizing that I have always been this person my husband has left me alone with. The difference before was I had work, running, playing video games or something else to help get rid of it. So this time alone is definitely getting me reacquainted with a self I used to be and realizing what used to work isn’t going to work this time!

As I’ve said before, I do believe God has a plan for me and I’m pretty sure what I’m going through is part of it. Some times only tough love gets what needs to be done accomplished.

From the people I’ve been talking to lately, a lot of anxiety going around so I’m definitely not alone. We all just have something different we are going through, but we are definitely not alone. With all this social distancing I find myself missing hugs and kisses a lot. I’ve been sending and receiving a lot of virtual hugs lol – just not quite the same as real ones!

Anyhew – hope this finds you well and loved.

“hugs and kisses” in the English Ordinal system equals 156/128/141/128……….

18 May 2020 Reaching out

May 18, 2020 by saymber, posted in Health, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. It’s Monday again and I made it through the night. Sleeping through the night is rough right now even with an aide. I’ll wake up in the night and anxiety provoking thoughts float flitter in. A lot of them center around my husband. Our family and friends have really been helping during the day but they can’t help me through the night. Link is my cuddle buddy but he can do only so much!

Lately I’ve been doing a lot of reaching out a lot more. I find even a couple texts back and forth help me. I have been feeling almost paralyzed in my body lately. I am having to force myself to do things that used to seem so effortless before. Things I used to like to do are more difficult right now. Just watching the wrong thing on tv can provoke swells of anxiety in me.

Writing here has been helping me process what is going on inside and keep my family and friends up to date on how I’m doing.

For me, right now, it’s one moment at a time and to continue to reach out. I don’t ever want what has happened the past couple of years to happen again.

I am having to remind myself a lot to stay in the present moment. My inner voice, that sounds a lot like my husbands voice, saying, “Jackie, stay here. Stay in the now. You can’t change what has already happened. You can only go forward and be better.”

Thank you as always for stopping by and walking with me on this journey.

13 May 2020 Thinking things through

May 13, 2020 by saymber, posted in Health, Home, In the News, Leading Life by Example, Money, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Good morning to you. Hope this finds you doing ok. I’m at another phase of the journey that’s going on today. My husband and I finally got a chance to talk yesterday. We agreed trying to do all that we want to do right in the middle of a still evolving pandemic might not be a good idea. We are having to think things through.

12 May 2020 – I had to put out a pair of my husbands pants for Link. Link was grieving yesterday after our visit. He just howled after my husband left. What my husband and I have been going through has been tough on Link too.

We know we still want to sell this house but have to make sure Link and I have someplace to go after we do. The realtor we talked to said with considering what needs to happen to this house, we were looking at $110-130,000 for a walk away on it – we paid $107,000. I think the low figure has to do with the fact our house is needing another foundation repair. Those are expensive. He quoted foundation repair costing about $8-$11,000. There has been a lot of interior damage because of the house shifting.

My husband was still not very pleased with the realtor quote considering how much they say our house is worth . USAA is saying our home is worth $180,000 but that isn’t considering the factors the realtor considered and also the realtor is familiar with our town. He has sold other properties in our area and probably has a good idea of what he can get for it. So we will have to work on the realtor part. I think the sale of this place will end up being a flipper kind of deal. What I mean by that, is an investor will buy the property, make repairs and then sell it at a higher price than they bought it. Neither one of us is wanting to put any more money into repairing this place as it is. So no matter what realtor we choose, we may be stuck with getting not much more than we paid for it in the end of it.

All that said, selling the place will more than likely not be a problem. If we need to, we can do a remote closing. It apparently happens all the time. The part I’m concerned about is knowing the place I have to go for certain is 1600+ miles away. When I got to thinking about all that is involved with that kind of trip, I got cold feet. It’s not that I’m not willing to do it. I think if my cousin and his wife are good on their offer to come here to help me drive back there won’t be as much a problem. I’m just worried about putting us all at risk health wise doing this when the pandemic is still doing it’s thing in this country.

There is also a small part of me that is hoping my husband might change his mind about our relationship. By talking to him yesterday and considering all that he has been through with me the past couple of years, it’s not looking good for reconciliation like I would want. He is adamant he’s not coming back to this house to live. He is perfectly justified in his feelings and his actions. There is a lot he could have done. He could have completely abandoned me and he didn’t and he hasn’t. He knows I can’t do this all of by myself and seems willing to do his part. The other consideration is that I am freshly out of the hospital and I don’t want to end up back in one. We just have to do this right and I think we are.

some info I found about road trips right now:

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/travelers/travel-in-the-us.html

Road Trips

CDC recommends you stay home as much as possible and practice social distancing, especially if you are at higher risk of severe illness. However, if you must travel, be aware that many businesses (such as restaurants and hotels) may be closed.

Anticipate your needs before you go:

Prepare food and water for the road. Pack non-perishables in case restaurants and stores are closed.
Bring any medicines you may need for the duration of your trip.
Pack a sufficient amount of alcohol-based hand sanitizer (at least 60% alcohol) and keep it in a place that is readily available.
Book accommodations in advance if you must stay somewhere overnight.
- Plan to make as few stops as possible, but make sure you rest when you feel drowsy or sleepy.
- Bring an EPA-registered disinfectant and other personal cleaning supplies.

Don’t travel if you are sick or plan to travel with someone who is sick.