19 May 2020 Moment to Moment

Hello to you.  How are you doing today?  I’m doing better now that Link and I had our walk and then I made myself some breakfast!  I know, simple, normal things but it’s those little things that help me move forward.  The past couple of days have been a moment to moment kind of thing.  I will be feeling ok and then if I’m not careful I will start ruminating on things from the past or memories and just get all anxious inside.

I am realizing that I have always been this person my husband has left me alone with.  The difference before was I had work, running, playing video games or something else to help get rid of it.  So this time alone is definitely getting me reacquainted with a self I used to be and realizing what used to work isn’t going to work this time!

As I’ve said before, I do believe God has a plan for me and I’m pretty sure what I’m going through is part of it.   Some times only tough love gets what needs to be done accomplished.

From the people I’ve been talking to lately, a lot of anxiety going around so I’m definitely not alone.  We all just have something different we are going through, but we are definitely not alone.  With all this social distancing I find myself missing hugs and kisses a lot.  I’ve been sending and receiving a lot of virtual hugs lol – just not quite the same as real ones!

Anyhew – hope this finds you well and loved.

hugs and kisses” in the English Ordinal system equals 156/128/141/128……….

11 May 2020 Things change

Hello to you.  It’s early in the morning and I cannot sleep any more right now.  I figured I might as well write a few lines.  Yesterday was a tough day for me but not unexpected.  It seems things are going to be changing for my family.   My family is fixing to get smaller and bigger at the same time.

For my readers of this blog who have been with me a long time, you know this blog is a tool for me to help me sort things out both good and bad going on in my life.  Thank you in advance for reading and your support!

Yesterday I found out that my husband has decided it’s time for us to go our separate ways.   We both agreed that the way the past four years have been for us, especially him, we can go no further together.  This means a lot of changes for our little family.  The timing for this isn’t the greatest in light of what’s going on in the the world around us and I’m very sad this is happening.  The bottom line though is we are parting ways as friends.  I care for and  plan to always care for him and his family.  We just aren’t going to be husband and wife anymore.

Let our story be a cautionary tale for those reading out there who have the Bipolar label, have family who is Bipolar, are married or are considering marrying someone like me who is Bipolar.  This is the second marriage that this condition, not properly treated and maintained has destroyed for me.   I take a large part to blame for the failure of this marriage.

There is one word that leaps out the most from this journey and that is denial.

For so many years I tried to live with my husband in such a way that made my labels were not a part of the equation.  Ultimately that just made it worse.  When you have this condition or any of the other labels I’ve put on myself like being a highly sensitive/porous/spiritual person, you have to have a proper treatment plan.   I didn’t do my part to the full extent I should have.

It will be really important that that during the transition I am about to make, I still will be able to have access to the care to have proper treatment.  

I have decided once we get everything resolved here, especially the selling of this house, Link and will be headed West to join my family in Idaho.   It’s going to be a long journey, but it sounds like I will have help getting there.

I am blessed to have amazing family and friends both his and mine who have immediately stepped up for both of us about this.  I know it’s not going to be easy but I am having to really go to a new place from denial and that is faith.    I will have to have a stronger faith that for whatever reason this is happening now,  it’s going to be ultimately for a better life for all of us in the future.

 

8 May 2020 Leaps of Faith – 12 years

Hello to you.  How are you doing?  I hope this finds you well in your world.  In my world today is about faith, celebrating and reflecting on 12 years of marriage.  A big part of this journey has been about taking leaps of faith both big ones and small.

I believe, and it has been my experience that every person that comes into your life teaches you things.  My husband has taught me a bunch of things like having faith in people, places and things that may have failed you.  It’s everything from the milk you buy at the store to people in your life.  A person that has failed him, especially these past couple of years has been me.  The road we’ve been traveling has been very bumpy.   Being married to someone diagnosed at bipolar can make marriage very difficult.  There is a lot of thinking you know someone and then you don’t know them at all.   You can’t see what being bipolar is except through behavior.

To look back at the past 12 years, our whole relationship has been leaps of faith.

Our shared past is full of huge leaps of faith!  He took a huge one flying out to meet me the first time after we met as two video game avatars, Prinzessa and Efess in FFXI (a MMORPG) in the Valkrum Dunes.  Shortly after we married, he had to stand by me when I had a hysterectomy which meant we wouldn’t have children in our marriage.  We both took another giant leap  when we chose to move ahead of the family to Texas waiting to hear if his Dad landed a job.  Choosing to become homeowners instead of lifelong renters was big jump for us.  All the little jumps like the things he and I did together by helping neighbors, getting involved in the planning of the city and helping out with Animal Control.  Looking back, very little has come easily to us but when we’ve taken the chance, it’s been worth it!

leap of faith” in the English Ordinal system equals 99

thirteen” in the English Ordinal system equals 99

(both my husband and I were born on the 13th)

If you look at the word faith, it’s about believing in something and or someone you can’t always see.  Some people have a faith in an institution like their church of choice, government or health system, some have faith in an object,  others a person and  for many it’s having faith in a God they cannot see.   

faith” in the English Ordinal system equals 44

brain” in the English Ordinal system equals 44

tend the garden of marriage daily” in the English Ordinal system equals 269 – God and people right in this!

God” in the English Ordinal system equals 26

people” in the English Ordinal system equals 69

I am hoping that we have many years before us.  I am so grateful he is my husband!  His parents and mine, our grandparents and so many before have lead what it means to be married by their example.   No matter how tough things get, you can still work things out.   I am hoping and praying that what is ahead will be worth all that we’ve already been through together thus far.

 

8 May 2008 – so handsome!
8 May 2008 our wedding day