21 May 2020 Feelings come and go

Good morning.  Well Link and I had our walk, eaten breakfast and now some laundry.   I am grateful to be able to do those things after looking at the headlines for Michigan this morning – severe flooding.

I didn’t write yesterday.  My husband had a journal for a little while when he was welding and he said it was a bit like may be a diary of a blacksmith back in the day, “Today, I made a sword.”  The next day, “Today, I made a sword and a hammer.”  It gets real dull after awhile.  I honestly don’t have a lot to write about right now and feel a little dull!

I am still wrestling with myself about whether or not to keep my handwritten journals,  I was talking with someone in the health chat program I’ve been using lately and they brought up a good point.  Feelings come and go but once I get rid of the journals that’s it, they will be gone.   There are memories from my current marriage like playing scrabble with my husbands Grandma before she died.  I am having a real hard time thinking about tossing away stuff like that.

I spoke with my Care manager yesterday about my anxiety issues lately.  He had a lot of the same ideas my cousins wife Tawna, who has a Masters in Psychology, had to offer.  He suggested breathing exercises, yoga stretches, making a safe place for being in and visualizations.  He suggested church groups, prayer, meditation and reaching out like I have been doing with family, friends and chats.  He is calling me once a week now.  It’s helpful to have a professional checking in and being able to talk to him.

Other than that, I am missing affection.  Between social distancing and my husband and I being separated it is hard.  I am grateful to have Link as he likes to cuddle and is affectionate.  We are planning on getting together for Memorial Day (25th).  I hope when I see him and his family there will be hugs even if we have to wear masks!

20 May 2020 – My cuddle buddy Link

 

11 May 2020 Things change

Hello to you.  It’s early in the morning and I cannot sleep any more right now.  I figured I might as well write a few lines.  Yesterday was a tough day for me but not unexpected.  It seems things are going to be changing for my family.   My family is fixing to get smaller and bigger at the same time.

For my readers of this blog who have been with me a long time, you know this blog is a tool for me to help me sort things out both good and bad going on in my life.  Thank you in advance for reading and your support!

Yesterday I found out that my husband has decided it’s time for us to go our separate ways.   We both agreed that the way the past four years have been for us, especially him, we can go no further together.  This means a lot of changes for our little family.  The timing for this isn’t the greatest in light of what’s going on in the the world around us and I’m very sad this is happening.  The bottom line though is we are parting ways as friends.  I care for and  plan to always care for him and his family.  We just aren’t going to be husband and wife anymore.

Let our story be a cautionary tale for those reading out there who have the Bipolar label, have family who is Bipolar, are married or are considering marrying someone like me who is Bipolar.  This is the second marriage that this condition, not properly treated and maintained has destroyed for me.   I take a large part to blame for the failure of this marriage.

There is one word that leaps out the most from this journey and that is denial.

For so many years I tried to live with my husband in such a way that made my labels were not a part of the equation.  Ultimately that just made it worse.  When you have this condition or any of the other labels I’ve put on myself like being a highly sensitive/porous/spiritual person, you have to have a proper treatment plan.   I didn’t do my part to the full extent I should have.

It will be really important that that during the transition I am about to make, I still will be able to have access to the care to have proper treatment.  

I have decided once we get everything resolved here, especially the selling of this house, Link and will be headed West to join my family in Idaho.   It’s going to be a long journey, but it sounds like I will have help getting there.

I am blessed to have amazing family and friends both his and mine who have immediately stepped up for both of us about this.  I know it’s not going to be easy but I am having to really go to a new place from denial and that is faith.    I will have to have a stronger faith that for whatever reason this is happening now,  it’s going to be ultimately for a better life for all of us in the future.