Good morning and hello to you wherever and whenever you are, Its a new day and I am finding myself wondering what to do with it! So I decided to write a bit. The topic that came to mind is about how hard it is to practice what you tell other people to do – to put into practice what you preach.
For so many years I was in a happy space and everything was relatively easy and it was from that frame of mind that I did this blog. When I had my husbands support I felt like I could do anything. Now I am on my own and I feel a lot differently. I feel like the foundation to me has been removed and I am on a shifting surface. So I am having to figure out how to support myself and it’s hard.
I have a dear friend who has been trying to help me be my own “safe person.” For several months now she has been that person for me but she had to go back to work She described herself as training wheels for me. What’s funny is I was never the person that my family has been getting to know. They didn’t know the confident, strong, self-reliant me at least not in person. I used to be able to do a lot without having my hands held and now that is all changed. Now everything seems to be a big deal!
Staying in the present moment is particularly difficult with my mind that keeps wanting to drag me back to the past. At age 52 I have a lot of past to sift through for every moment of the day. As if late, I keep going back to Alvarado and the house and I have to let that go soon!
I used to be the one to dispense all kinds of advice and pep talks and now I am on the receiving end of it and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn’t, it just makes it worse. For someone to talk to me, it’s like they have to walk through a field of landmines of conversations that will blow up and provoke anxiety.
“Practice what you preach” in the English Ordinal system equals 239 (Jackie is in this=39)
“two three nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 156
one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128
“one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141
What I am finding too is that since all this has happened everything makes me so sensitive. This includes food and drink. I have been off coffee and tea for several months now because of the jitters I get from my blood sugar changing. I am having to learn how to eat and drink again.
Bottom line to all of this I’ve written is I am having learn how to live again because the life I had is gone. I have to believe God has a plan for me just not sure what it is yet.