21 December 2021 Feeling Like A Scrambled Egg

Hello….how are you? Hopefully this finds you doing well. I wish I could say everything is ok with me but I’m feeling a little scrambled eggs today. It will pass it always does.

Like my therapist and I talked about yesterday, I’m just not comfortable in my own skin. She shared with me about eneagrams, personality types and played this song for me: https://youth.be/-sO2UMoOaFQ – Sleeping At Last. It’s a song for type 1 personalities and if you cry while listening to it, chances are that’s your personality type. I cried. What came to me at first when I heard it is feeling like I wasn’t enough for my ex husband…..I miss him so much every day. What also came to me is I’m enough for God. With all my flaws and weaknesses….all the ways I have failed I know that no matter what God loves me. God has been there when I have been at my best….at my worst. What I told my therapist is I want God to have hands I can hold. A face I can touch. Arms to hold me. Sadly it just doesn’t work that way. The place I get to feel God is when we are close and my heart gets that glowing warmth. God is the very air we breathe….too big to be contained in a body!

I’m trying to snap myself out of “this” and get on with my day. May be some shirt painting will help ?! I’m wearing the shirt I did last night – pretty happy with it.

As always thank you reader for going on this journey with me!

29 November 2021 Evening

Hello to you. It’s 5:21 pm and the shadows are falling. It’s hard to believe it’s getting dark already! I’m feeling cozy and just want to write a bit.

I’m still feeling the warm and fuzzies from visiting with my friend Lin today. It was such a wonderful surprise that she popped on Twitch this morning. She made an account just for that! What a blessing she is- soul sister! I thought I had lost her too!

I ordered a rake today. I could have stopped at Lowe’s but I’m still pissed at them for how they used to treat Kyle and I. We would go into the store and no one would speak to us….so rude. Anyhew my neighbors tree dumped all of its leaves on my gravel. I’ll just get up as many as I can. Since I don’t have a shed the porch gets yet another thing to be stored on it!

My therapist appt was good but I was running a little high. When I’m like that it feels like I’m going to vibrate right out of my skin! I could feel it in my 3rd eye especially. I wonder if the Pranic healing had something to do with it? We talked about my being present in the moment. Since I’ve started driving more now I find that I’ll just arrive and already be thinking about leaving. My therapist said that isn’t an uncommon thing with Americans. It’s the mindset of “I’ll be happy when _______” and before even spending time in the present moment the mind is already off to the next thing. I want to get better at being in the present moment and not racing off in my car to go home!

Thank you visitors for stopping by and reading my blog and if you have time viewing my Twitch videos. I really appreciate you! When I see you have visited it makes me smile.

1 November 2021 Conditional Love

Hi. I am home from an appointment with my therapist. Some really profound things came up. I had to write about it and hope may be something will resonate with you.

The first thing that came forth was when I was talking about my ex and how I was holding on to our past. How I felt like my holding on to our past was keeping me from moving forward . How I felt holding on to my past was a visceral thing I could actually feel in my head. Like an invisible force holding me back. Well my therapist said something pretty profound. She said “his love for you was conditional.” I felt that so deeply! I immediately felt a warmth in my chest. I thought of Jesus and unconditional love. How I had expected a human being to love me like Jesus and he just couldn’t. Lots of tears processing that! It was a truth I hadn’t considered.

The second thing was I have this huge circle of memories he and I shared and so many of them are good! Powerful! I am so afraid that if I go forward and make new memories that I will leave that past I love behind. I don’t want to let go. My therapist was like “ your holding on to nothing.” He went out of his way to get me a hard copy of the divorce decree. There is literally nothing to go back to! I have to move forward whether I want to or not. Again, more tears! When you talk things out it can bring forth really intense emotions. In case you didn’t already know for yourself, being divorced sucks!

I’m glad I drove to the office day!

25 March 2021 Letting go

Hello to you, how are you? This morning began with some tears during a therapy session with my counselor. We were trying to find the root cause of the anxious feelings I have been having. The more talked it over with her, the more I am realizing that this condition has been an ongoing thing.

What brought me to tears was thinking about letting go of my husband and moving on with my life. I realize that my fear of driving is just a symptom of my not wanting to make my current residence a home. If I get familiar with this place and get to know my way around that means my marriage is truly over (which it is).

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” 1 Peter 5:7 NIV

I keep getting an “anxious belly” meaning I will think about something and I will feel it. I have been talking to my therapist about this for quite some time ad she says the only way to get over this is to go through what I am avoiding. I’m just not ready yet…..I am slow about this!

Letting go is more than just the context of what I’m writing here, it’s also about my life in general – to let go and let God. I say I believe and trust in God but my actions don’t always match up to that . In some ways I hold on so tight. It makes me think of riding on a roller coaster with my husband one time and how he said “It doesn’t matter how tight you hold on you aren’t in control.” You can say that about a life too. No matter how tight you hold on to your life, you aren’t entirely in control of it.

letting go” in the English Ordinal system equals 109 ( one resisting the unknown)

happy ” in the English Ordinal system equals 66

“It doesn’t matter how tight you hold on you aren’t in control.” ” in the English Ordinal system equals 661