21 May 2020 Feelings come and go

Good morning.  Well Link and I had our walk, eaten breakfast and now some laundry.   I am grateful to be able to do those things after looking at the headlines for Michigan this morning – severe flooding.

I didn’t write yesterday.  My husband had a journal for a little while when he was welding and he said it was a bit like may be a diary of a blacksmith back in the day, “Today, I made a sword.”  The next day, “Today, I made a sword and a hammer.”  It gets real dull after awhile.  I honestly don’t have a lot to write about right now and feel a little dull!

I am still wrestling with myself about whether or not to keep my handwritten journals,  I was talking with someone in the health chat program I’ve been using lately and they brought up a good point.  Feelings come and go but once I get rid of the journals that’s it, they will be gone.   There are memories from my current marriage like playing scrabble with my husbands Grandma before she died.  I am having a real hard time thinking about tossing away stuff like that.

I spoke with my Care manager yesterday about my anxiety issues lately.  He had a lot of the same ideas my cousins wife Tawna, who has a Masters in Psychology, had to offer.  He suggested breathing exercises, yoga stretches, making a safe place for being in and visualizations.  He suggested church groups, prayer, meditation and reaching out like I have been doing with family, friends and chats.  He is calling me once a week now.  It’s helpful to have a professional checking in and being able to talk to him.

Other than that, I am missing affection.  Between social distancing and my husband and I being separated it is hard.  I am grateful to have Link as he likes to cuddle and is affectionate.  We are planning on getting together for Memorial Day (25th).  I hope when I see him and his family there will be hugs even if we have to wear masks!

20 May 2020 – My cuddle buddy Link

 

17 May 2020 Comfort from unlikely places – visit from Sam

Good morning to you. It’s Sunday as I write.  Link and I got out already and manage to get around the block together.  We snuggled all night and were reluctant to get out of bed but we needed to.   The past few days I have been set up in the bedroom with  my laptop.  I just haven’t felt like being in the rest of the house for too long right now.  I’m in the middle of a process right now and it’s a very uncomfortable place to be.

I have been receiving really good advice come from my faraway family and friends.   I have been practicing some of it the past couple of days.  The advice isn’t new but when you are in the middle of “the feelings” you just don’t remember crap to put it bluntly.  My cousins wife has helped me with remembering to do deep breathing, may be to try counting when I walk if I find myself ruminating on things too much.

The words of comfort and great advice help me in my head but my body is different.  I miss the tangible presence of my husband.  I miss hugs.  I miss kisses.  I miss waking up and seeing him and hearing his voice.   I miss having someone to talk to that at one time use to understand me better than I understood myself sometimes.

The Nothing Compares To You song was in my head this morning.  It’s the first song my husband and I listened to when we got home after Sam left us.

Sam visited me in my dreams last night and was so excited to see me.  He was bigger in our dream visit than when he was here in life.  He was healthy and vibrant and full of joy.  It was very comforting.  I think it was God working in mysterious ways again.  God just knew I needed comfort from an unlikely place, to have a visit from an old friend.

This morning I went and got the fleece version of him I sewed 9 years ago now and just held him this morning.  It helped me some to do that.

I sewed this fleece version of Sam 9 years ago. I started sewing these to help me with grief and it only makes sense this one would help me now.

Writing about all this is helping me process part of what’s happening in my life right now.  Thank you for visiting, reading, your kind thoughts and your prayers.

12 May 2020 Let them help you

Hello to you.  How are you today?  I’m hanging in there.  Trying to take care of myself and Link in the midst of a personal time of crisis.  Yesterday we had our first realtor come and take a quick assessment of our place.  Link didn’t like it at all.  I don’t know how well trying to show a house with us in it is going to go.  He chased and barked at the guy the whole time he was in the house!  Having Link is part of the reason I’m anxious to sell the house and get to Idaho as quickly as possible so he is situated with family again.   This whole situation hasn’t been easy on him either.

Today the realtor is supposed to have some numbers for us so we can decide if we want to go ahead and list our place with him.  The reason I chose him is he has a lot of familiarity with the property in our area.  He seemed pretty optimistic about being able to turn the property pretty quickly.  I don’t want him to do it too quickly because we need time to clear out the place and Link and I need a place to live.  I want to stay in the house until we get it all cleared out of our stuff if possible.

I’m trying to move past the anxiety I am feeling so that I can be in my own skin.   Some moments I feel like jumping out of it but it’s getting better.   You know how I was talking about having background noise, well now it’s getting about to the opposite.  I can’t turn on the news without it provoking anxiety.  I can barely turn on the radio for the same reason and that’s EVEN the classical music station!  My personal world is in a tailspin and adding to it with the rest of the world doesn’t help.  It’s not that I don’t care about anybody else in the world, I truly do, but anything more on me is just too much right now.

Life right now is having little things be big things.  This morning I woke up really early with almost a panic about whether or not I would be able to charge my cell phone while Link and I travel to Idaho.  I ran out to the car in the rain to check and thankfully I found I will indeed be able to keep my phone charged while the car is running.

I went back to bed and said to myself in the dark, “I’m scared.”  It’s been a long time since I’ve admitted that to myself about anything.  I’m honestly scared to make such a big journey right now with Link.   A few years ago, in a healthier world,  I don’t think I would be having so much angst about all of this.  There is a part of me starting to resist the thought of moving, trying to stay here, but I know that won’t be good for me in the long term.  This house is more than I can take care of by myself.  We need to sell it now before the “to do” list of repairs gets too much longer.

My cousin and his wife have offered to help me with the journey.  They had talked about driving down here and then we’d drive back together.  The more I think about traveling with Link alone, the more apprehensive I get.  With what’s going on in the country and world with this virus I’m not sure I’m going to want to stop anywhere except for gas!  Just the thought of making a pitstop to go to the bathroom and having to leave him alone in the car is worrisome.  Depending on what time of year it is will make a big difference too.  Flying right now would be out of the question and I think it will be for quite some time.   I’m hoping we have a few months yet and may be things will be safer for travel for all of us.

I have asked for help from my family but worry about being a burden but there is a part of me that is saying, “Let them help you.”  I just don’t want to make a debt I cannot repay.  That’s the kind of person I have become.  I worry about that invisible balance sheet, the “if I do this for you, what will you do for me?”    May be God is trying to teach me something about that.  May be not everyone in the world operates on a balance sheet.  May be the people I know and love are willing to help me without expecting a payment in return.  May be I will repay them somehow once we have a chance to be together.

 

10 May 2020 There are many kinds of Mom’s

Hello to you.  How are you doing today?  I’m doing ok.  If I’m honest, I woke up missing my husband and my dog Spot but I know this is a temporary condition.  We will be together again soon.    I also woke up remembering it’s Mother’s Day and started thinking about what that means to me.

There are many different kinds of Mom’s in todays world.  In our modern world the title of Mom has extended beyond sex and, sexual orientation.   When I was at JPS, there were many male nurses who filled a maternal role for me while I was there.  One of them even had the same name as my husband and the other my brother-in-law!

For me, Mom or Mother is not just a title for a woman.  For me it is also about what someone does for another person or being.  For example, many pet owners like myself  consider ourselves pet parents.   I consider myself a Mom to Link and Spot.  Sometimes not a very good one but I try!  We don’t always speak the same language!

15 Feb 2020 Spot and Link – I was dreaming about her last night

The people I consider Mom’s in my life are those people that just have a knack for knowing what to say, what to do, how to talk to me in any given situation.  They have an natural instinct for nurturing and helping in matters of the heart.

People like my Dad, my husband, my stepmom, mother and father-in-laws and my Aunt all have at one time or another taken on the role of  Mom for me.  Their love and care for me has in most cases been nearly unconditional.  They mean so much to me!

I have to be honest and say in many ways even my girl Spot has even been more like a mother to me than me to her!  I call her my dog ma lol.  She has been a Mother dog figure to Link in ways I could not.

I keep thinking at my age I shouldn’t need a Mom like I used to but I do.  The question is do we ever stop needing our Mom’s whatever shape, form, and relationship they come in?   It doesn’t seem like it for me!

What does still needing a Mom figure say about me?  Am I immature or is it an indicator that I am still growing?  Does this mean I’m still teachable?  Does this mean I am still a person who doesn’t have all the answers?  Does this mean I still need the loving wisdom beyond myself to keep me grounded in this world?  I think the answer to all of these is yes.

Mother” in the English Ordinal system equals 79 (rotate, words, lifetime, affection, listen, remember, watches, super, loving, singing, life of a bard)

a Mom” in the English Ordinal system equals 42 (this is neat because 42 also means self)

 

Source: Internet  Sometimes I feel like this lol and it’s not what my Mom’s have said or done, it’s all me!

 

 

7 May 2020 The Link who saved a Princess

This is a story about a Princess who was saved by her dog named Link. Everyone is a Princess in their own castle if you stop and think about it.  I have shared this story here before but the blog got deleted.  In light of recent events, it felt like a good time to share it again.  This is positive story when we need more of those.

So this story really began on 18 April 2014 when I, the sad and lonely Princess, was out walking in the fields down the street from our house.  I found  half of a Christmas ornament! The ornament said, ‘Ase Pa Vlla Nakni’ of Oklahoma. I had to look this up on the internet to find out what it meant. The Choctaw language loosely translated, it was about the arrival of a male child. Much to my delight and surprise, a couple of days later I found the other half of the same Christmas ornament at the entrance to our neighborhood. The top half had a picture of a little drummer boy and said ‘The Choctaw Nation.’

7 May 2020 Choctaw ornament I found before Link was born

I, the Princess, wrote a song about this:

I will not waiver
I will not fear
I will not cry or shed a tear
For you are here You are here
You love me and I love you
The future is blooming
For us to see as one, as one
You are here

Now my first thought was that my friend, another Princess, named Erin might be pregnant because she is part Choctaw but come to find out, her Princess, Tippie, a female maltese was expecting puppies instead!

We had told Erin that if Tippie ever had a little boy that we would consider adopting and sure enough on 9 December 2019 God smiled and Tippie gave birth to not one but three little Princes! We got to choose from the three and chose the odd ball with a panda face and darker coloring. Kyle chose the name which was both for his love of The Legend of Zelda video game character and our “link” to our friends Billy and Erin.

Baby picture of Link

Now what’s so special about this story is for three years prior to all this we had been grieving the loss of our cocker spaniel Sam. I had been begging God to bring our Sammy back and in God’s time, there was an answer! God seemed to say, “I’ll give you not one but three boys to choose from!”
The Christmas of his arrival, Link came to our town for the first time with his family and it was of course love at first sight! It was so hard to part but for my birthday on 13 February we went to Oklahoma and brought him home for good. His arrival healed both of our hearts.

In so many ways he has helped me face this journey of life and helps me know that I am not alone.  Link is not just a hero in video games but  a hero in my life.

The hero of our story

5 May 2020 Link and I on walk Parkway Park Alvarado TX

4 May 2020 Idle Hands

Good morning to you whenever and wherever you are as you visit here today.  How are you?  I’m doing ok.  Link and I have been managing our alone time.  Had a nice phone visit with a friend yesterday and that helped a lot.  She has cats and I have a dog right now for company!  My life seems to be one of extremes sometimes.  I’m seeking balance.

So yesterday I ventured out to Michael’s in Burleson and was so grateful they were open.  A lot of places have taken measures to protect their employees like having them wear masks and glass shields have been put up in front of registers.  I have been trying to avoid going anywhere and staying home.

I bought some yarn so I could work on another afghan.  I find that if I keep my hands busy, my mind follows.  When I got home, art supplies were waiting at my door from my Aunt and Uncle!  I guess they had similar thoughts about staying busy – so nice!

4 May 2020 – new afghan project started

3 May 2020 art supplies from Aunt Ruth and Uncle Bill
3 May 2020 – Dogs are so easily amused. How do they do it?!

I wanted to see what the phrase, “idle hands are the devil’s playthings” in gematria:

idle hands are the devil’s playthings” in the English Ordinal system equals 335

3+3+5 = 11/2/1

three three five” in the English Ordinal system equals 154 – a love, play, voice, eyes, health bodies

one five four” in the English Ordinal system equals 136 – a child, hug, have, agree

one three six” in the English Ordinal system equals 142 – a self, new, gift, balanced

one four two” in the English Ordinal system equals 152 – a earth, caring, hobby, heart, create, devil, hobby

one five two” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 – a one, free, chance

 

 

2 May 2020 Thank you

Hello and happy Saturday to you.   I hope this finds you well.  The message that came to me is one I’ve talked about before but in these times it’s ever so relevant – two words – THANK YOU!

These two words span the entirety of my existence from the folks who helped me get through my treatment, my fellow patients, my family, my friends and especially my neighbors.  Yesterday I found out it was my next door neighbors and another neighbor friend that helped keep our front yard from becoming overgrown.  Those two words also apply to all the folks working in the local businesses/franchises in town like our grocery store Brookshire’s and Papa John’s for example.  Yesterday the man I hired to take care of our lawn, Mr. Manza – how easy he made a mess of a yard look great again.

So much gratitude!  A hear no one has a small part.t space to live in for sure!  In my life,

 

Looking at these two words in Gematria.  As always, just what my wanderings have found for myself but something here may resonate with you too:

Thank You” in the English Ordinal system equals 115 – a face, replenished, intelligence, symbiotic, positive

one one five” in the English Ordinal system equals 110 – emotions, purpose, loyalty, perfect being

one one zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 132 – a life, noble motive, higher power, expectation

one three two” in the English Ordinal system equals 148 – a tree, human emotion, care of the soul

one four eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 143 – a choice, contentment, resourceful, philosophy

one four three” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 – a Joy, understanding, communication, divine planning, positive image

one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 – a food, interesting, celestial bodies, rays of light

one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 – a feeling, quality of life, simpler times, spirit alchemy

one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 – a all, courageous, spiritual, lead by example

one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 – a one, information, combinations, responsible, intellectual

 

I attempted a painting on Link yesterday. I need more practice but a good try I think.

29 April 2020 Divine timing

Hello to you out there and I hope this finds you in a good place in your life.  If not, if for some reason this finds you in the shadow place of living, I hope that you will find a light space or a light space will find you.  That’s how it worked out for me with my recent journey.  It’s amazing how a bunch of shut doors can open a bunch of new ones and even reconnect you with people you had lost touch with.

There is a phrase divine timing that comes to mind with what happened with my Uncle Bill and I this morning.  My Aunt Ruth has sent him my blog to read and no sooner had he finished reading it, I fumbled with my new phone and “accidentally” called him!  The karma/divine timing was not lost on either of us with that one!  My Aunt and Uncle have watched my journey with mental health and how I have managed to climb back up after some deep dives.  They were both pleased to read my post and I appreciate their encouragement.

It’s amazing how many people you find out love and care for you once you get plugged back in to things.  I always find myself humbled and nearly unworthy of so much love and support!  Today I got to hear from and see some folks I had been missing and find out how strong our connections are.

Facebook has turned out to actually be useful to with this latest leg of my journey and it’s been a tool to reconnect with positive people in my life.  I had kind of shunned using it but am finding it not to be such a bad thing.

The big deal today was Link coming home to see me!  I missed him, Spot and my husband so much when I was away!  I drew pictures of them in my journals almost everyday!  We are testing the waters to see how things go for the next couple of weeks.  The hardest part of being gone was the back yard really went and grew tall with no one to maintain it.  I’m looking into getting a lawn service to tame it so it’s more Link “going out to do business friendly!”

29 April 2020 – pics of Link getting adjusted to be back home.  I love that he was enjoying a pillow we kept from when we had Sammy.

Here is what divine timing looks like in Gematria:

divine timing” in the English Ordinal system equals 135 – a creed or to bear fruit

one three five” in the English Ordinal system equals 132 – a life

one three two” in the English Ordinal system equals 148 – a tree

one four eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 143 – a choice

one four three” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 – a Joy

 

one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 – a food

one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 – a feeling

one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 – a one

one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 – a chance

Remember, this is just my interpretation. Gematria reading is very personal and may be different from person to person.  I find it interesting that it is in a 9 cycle.  When you add up 1 +3 +5 you get 9 and if you divide 9 by 2 (the night and day of existence and light and shadow of self), you get a repeating 9 pattern.  There is a certain element of “nein” (in German “no”) or denial about divine timing and things that happen with it!  People like to call it just a coincidence but is it always?  I don’t think so.

coincidence” in the English Ordinal system equals 84 – lesson, worth