15 May 2020 Clearing out (process)

Hello to you.  How are you today?  I am trying to start my day off right.  I made myself some breakfast and am trying to stay in the present moment which is kind of hard.  I have a lot on my mind these days with everything that is going on.  I know I’m not alone.  Each of us has a lot going on, it’s just a little different and varying degree for each person and situation.

So I am dealing with some anxiety I can’t seem to shake.   I miss my husband and the life we had together with Link and Spot when it was good.   I’m having to find what my life is now and it’s tough some moments.  It’s become a moment to moment sort of thing.  Through the wonders of technology I’ve managed to get closer to my family and some friends again.  I have found a couple chat rooms to be a helpful resource of being able to talk to people so I don’t feel so alone.  I’ve just been doing whatever I find is helpful to do to try and keep the anxiety and fear at bay.

Yesterday I got a little relief from my feelings by clearing some stuff out my husband and I don’t want to move.  My neighbors wanted some of the furniture we wanted to part with and I was only to happy to give it to them!  Things are narrowing down in the house to easy to move, easy to pack and that’s what we want.

I think the interacting with people and the physical exertion of moving the furniture helped me feel better inside.  I have been a bundle of nerves for several days now.  So much uncertainty.  I can imagine what I’m feeling is might be what people who have jobs and can’t work now are feeling because of the pandemic.  It’s definitely a feeling of being powerless.

So the house echo’s more now with less in it….kind of a weird thing but it’s just part of the clearing out process we are going through.  I’m sitting here with a laptop thinking of when my husband, Sam, May and Amber and I first got to this house.  We arrived and all we had were pillows, suitcases and a laptop.  I feeling things going full circle again in a way…but it’s just Link and me right now.

For whatever reason this is part of what God wants me to go through right now and I have to face it.  No matter how alone I may feel at times the past couple weeks have shown me I’m not.  I thankfully have Link.  There are people, to include my husband who care and are there for me if I need help.  I’m just having to do something that has never been easy for me and that is to ask.

14 May 2020 Support Systems

Hello to you.  How are you doing today?  Well I’m up, got a load of laundry in and some hot tea brewed.  I got some sleep last night which is important right now for me to stay strong.  I’m working on the new laptop I ordered  and so far so good on that.  I bought it planning for downsizing and mobility for my future.

So what’s on my mind after the past couple of days is support systems and how important they are to have when you are going through the many things I’m going through at once.   I just recently got out of the hospital.  We are planning to be sell our house.  I will be making a long distance move.  My husband and I are separated and will potentially be getting a divorce.  That’s a lot of stuff to go through at once!   Everybody that knows, loves and cares about me wants for my happiness so a support system is getting stronger to help me through all of this.

I have been talking a lot to the family I ultimately will be living with and near.  They have become a strong support system for me long distance but they have encouraged me to make sure I have something here as well.

My husband is only able to do so much considering what is going on between us.  I am realizing without him here with me just how much I relied on him for a bunch of things to include moral support.   It’s really hard living without him!  With everything that’s happened,  I can’t completely rely on him and his family now and understandably so.  They have already been very helpful and are doing what they can given the circumstances and for that I’m very grateful.

One of the big obstacles for me right now is living in the house with our shared stuff and contemplating getting a POD delivered and having to pack it.   I’m feeling a overwhelmed and have been experiencing a lot of anxiety.    My Aunt encouraged me to back off a little and allow my husband to do his part too.   What’s going on is a lot of the stuff we have isn’t even worth keeping or selling.  He’s already taken most of what he says he wants out of the house but there is a lot of furniture and clothing yet of his here.  I can’t just put everything to the curb for the garbage to pick up.  The garbage people only pick up so much stuff at a time.   I just have to be patient about this and trust we will get it all worked out.

So I am having to use the system that has been put in place for me and reach out in the ways I can so I stay connected.  With this pandemic going on things aren’t as easy as they used to be but at least there is something.

Like my Aunt told me yesterday, we are going to use the technology we have to our advantage.  She said she has been praying for me a lot and God even answered saying, “She’s your gift.”  I hope so, sometimes I don’t feel like one!  We decided we can talk every day if we want to!  We will do whatever we have to do to get through this as a family.

Yesterday I also had a long visit with my cousins wife who has a Master’s in Psychology and that really helped a lot.  She emphasized the importance of my utilizing the system I have access to.  For example just having someone to talk to at least once a week from a professional standpoint that isn’t family – someone to check on me kind of thing.  So I made contact with my Care Manager and arranged for that.  As she and I talked about, just having someone to talk to even for a few minutes really helps you get through the day. Something else wise she said, “we are not our problems.”   Hearing her say that really resonated with me.

I am sharing all of this as a way to help me help others if that makes sense. Writing also helps me process what  I’m going through.    Something I learned when I was in AA was to share my experience, strength and hope.  When you share the difficulties you are going through and how you are going through them, you can potentially help someone else facing similar circumstances.

Thank you in advance friends and family who visit me here and read.  Your support means a lot to me!

13 May 2020 Thinking things through

Good morning to you.  Hope this finds you doing ok.  I’m at another phase of the journey that’s going on today.  My husband and I finally got a chance to talk yesterday.  We agreed trying to do all that we want to do right in the middle of a still evolving pandemic  might not be a good idea.  We are having to think things through.

12 May 2020 – I had to put out a pair of my husbands pants for Link. Link was grieving yesterday after our visit.  He just howled after my husband left.  What my husband and I have been going through has been tough on Link too.  

We know we still want to sell this house but have to make sure Link and I have someplace to go after we do.  The realtor we talked to said with considering what needs to happen to this house, we were looking at $110-130,000 for a walk away on it – we paid $107,000.   I think the low figure has to do with the fact our house is needing another foundation repair.  Those are expensive.  He quoted foundation repair costing about $8-$11,000.  There has been a lot of interior damage because of the house shifting.

My husband was still not very pleased with the realtor quote considering how much they say our house is worth .  USAA is saying our home is worth $180,000 but that isn’t considering the factors the realtor considered and also the realtor is familiar with our town.  He has sold other properties in our area and probably has a good idea of what he can get for it.  So we will have to work on the realtor part.  I think the sale of this place will end up being a flipper kind of deal.  What I mean by that,  is an investor will buy the property, make repairs and then sell it at a higher price than they bought it.  Neither one of us is wanting to put any more money into repairing this place as it is.  So no matter what realtor we choose, we may be stuck with getting not much more than we paid for it in the end of it.

All that said, selling the place will more than likely not be a problem.  If we need to,  we can do a remote closing.  It apparently happens all the time.  The part I’m concerned about is knowing  the place I have to go for certain is 1600+ miles away.  When I got to thinking about all that is involved with that kind of trip, I got cold feet.  It’s not that I’m not willing to do it.   I think if my cousin and his wife are good on their offer to come here to help me drive back there won’t be as much a problem.  I’m just worried about putting us all at risk health wise doing this when the pandemic is still doing it’s thing in this country.

There is also a small part of me that is hoping my husband might change his mind about our relationship.  By talking to him yesterday and  considering all that he has been through with me the past couple of years, it’s not looking good for reconciliation like I would want.  He is adamant he’s not coming back to this house to live.  He is perfectly justified in his feelings and his actions.  There is a lot he could have done.  He could have completely abandoned me and he didn’t and he hasn’t.  He knows I can’t do this all of by myself and seems willing to do his part.  The other consideration is that I am freshly out of the hospital and I don’t want to end up back in one.  We just have to do this right and I think we are.

some info I found about road trips right now:

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/travelers/travel-in-the-us.html

Road Trips

CDC recommends you stay home as much as possible and practice social distancing, especially if you are at higher risk of severe illness.  However, if you must travel, be aware that many businesses (such as restaurants and hotels) may be closed.

Anticipate your needs before you go:

  • Prepare food and water for the road. Pack non-perishables in case restaurants and stores are closed.
  • Bring any medicines you may need for the duration of your trip.
  • Pack a sufficient amount of alcohol-based hand sanitizer (at least 60% alcohol) and keep it in a place that is readily available.
  • Book accommodations in advance if you must stay somewhere overnight.
    • Plan to make as few stops as possible, but make sure you rest when you feel drowsy or sleepy.
    • Bring an EPA-registered disinfectant and other personal cleaning supplies.

Don’t travel if you are sick or plan to travel with someone who is sick.

12 May 2020 Let them help you

Hello to you.  How are you today?  I’m hanging in there.  Trying to take care of myself and Link in the midst of a personal time of crisis.  Yesterday we had our first realtor come and take a quick assessment of our place.  Link didn’t like it at all.  I don’t know how well trying to show a house with us in it is going to go.  He chased and barked at the guy the whole time he was in the house!  Having Link is part of the reason I’m anxious to sell the house and get to Idaho as quickly as possible so he is situated with family again.   This whole situation hasn’t been easy on him either.

Today the realtor is supposed to have some numbers for us so we can decide if we want to go ahead and list our place with him.  The reason I chose him is he has a lot of familiarity with the property in our area.  He seemed pretty optimistic about being able to turn the property pretty quickly.  I don’t want him to do it too quickly because we need time to clear out the place and Link and I need a place to live.  I want to stay in the house until we get it all cleared out of our stuff if possible.

I’m trying to move past the anxiety I am feeling so that I can be in my own skin.   Some moments I feel like jumping out of it but it’s getting better.   You know how I was talking about having background noise, well now it’s getting about to the opposite.  I can’t turn on the news without it provoking anxiety.  I can barely turn on the radio for the same reason and that’s EVEN the classical music station!  My personal world is in a tailspin and adding to it with the rest of the world doesn’t help.  It’s not that I don’t care about anybody else in the world, I truly do, but anything more on me is just too much right now.

Life right now is having little things be big things.  This morning I woke up really early with almost a panic about whether or not I would be able to charge my cell phone while Link and I travel to Idaho.  I ran out to the car in the rain to check and thankfully I found I will indeed be able to keep my phone charged while the car is running.

I went back to bed and said to myself in the dark, “I’m scared.”  It’s been a long time since I’ve admitted that to myself about anything.  I’m honestly scared to make such a big journey right now with Link.   A few years ago, in a healthier world,  I don’t think I would be having so much angst about all of this.  There is a part of me starting to resist the thought of moving, trying to stay here, but I know that won’t be good for me in the long term.  This house is more than I can take care of by myself.  We need to sell it now before the “to do” list of repairs gets too much longer.

My cousin and his wife have offered to help me with the journey.  They had talked about driving down here and then we’d drive back together.  The more I think about traveling with Link alone, the more apprehensive I get.  With what’s going on in the country and world with this virus I’m not sure I’m going to want to stop anywhere except for gas!  Just the thought of making a pitstop to go to the bathroom and having to leave him alone in the car is worrisome.  Depending on what time of year it is will make a big difference too.  Flying right now would be out of the question and I think it will be for quite some time.   I’m hoping we have a few months yet and may be things will be safer for travel for all of us.

I have asked for help from my family but worry about being a burden but there is a part of me that is saying, “Let them help you.”  I just don’t want to make a debt I cannot repay.  That’s the kind of person I have become.  I worry about that invisible balance sheet, the “if I do this for you, what will you do for me?”    May be God is trying to teach me something about that.  May be not everyone in the world operates on a balance sheet.  May be the people I know and love are willing to help me without expecting a payment in return.  May be I will repay them somehow once we have a chance to be together.

 

11 May 2020 Things change

Hello to you.  It’s early in the morning and I cannot sleep any more right now.  I figured I might as well write a few lines.  Yesterday was a tough day for me but not unexpected.  It seems things are going to be changing for my family.   My family is fixing to get smaller and bigger at the same time.

For my readers of this blog who have been with me a long time, you know this blog is a tool for me to help me sort things out both good and bad going on in my life.  Thank you in advance for reading and your support!

Yesterday I found out that my husband has decided it’s time for us to go our separate ways.   We both agreed that the way the past four years have been for us, especially him, we can go no further together.  This means a lot of changes for our little family.  The timing for this isn’t the greatest in light of what’s going on in the the world around us and I’m very sad this is happening.  The bottom line though is we are parting ways as friends.  I care for and  plan to always care for him and his family.  We just aren’t going to be husband and wife anymore.

Let our story be a cautionary tale for those reading out there who have the Bipolar label, have family who is Bipolar, are married or are considering marrying someone like me who is Bipolar.  This is the second marriage that this condition, not properly treated and maintained has destroyed for me.   I take a large part to blame for the failure of this marriage.

There is one word that leaps out the most from this journey and that is denial.

For so many years I tried to live with my husband in such a way that made my labels were not a part of the equation.  Ultimately that just made it worse.  When you have this condition or any of the other labels I’ve put on myself like being a highly sensitive/porous/spiritual person, you have to have a proper treatment plan.   I didn’t do my part to the full extent I should have.

It will be really important that that during the transition I am about to make, I still will be able to have access to the care to have proper treatment.  

I have decided once we get everything resolved here, especially the selling of this house, Link and will be headed West to join my family in Idaho.   It’s going to be a long journey, but it sounds like I will have help getting there.

I am blessed to have amazing family and friends both his and mine who have immediately stepped up for both of us about this.  I know it’s not going to be easy but I am having to really go to a new place from denial and that is faith.    I will have to have a stronger faith that for whatever reason this is happening now,  it’s going to be ultimately for a better life for all of us in the future.

 

10 May 2020 There are many kinds of Mom’s

Hello to you.  How are you doing today?  I’m doing ok.  If I’m honest, I woke up missing my husband and my dog Spot but I know this is a temporary condition.  We will be together again soon.    I also woke up remembering it’s Mother’s Day and started thinking about what that means to me.

There are many different kinds of Mom’s in todays world.  In our modern world the title of Mom has extended beyond sex and, sexual orientation.   When I was at JPS, there were many male nurses who filled a maternal role for me while I was there.  One of them even had the same name as my husband and the other my brother-in-law!

For me, Mom or Mother is not just a title for a woman.  For me it is also about what someone does for another person or being.  For example, many pet owners like myself  consider ourselves pet parents.   I consider myself a Mom to Link and Spot.  Sometimes not a very good one but I try!  We don’t always speak the same language!

15 Feb 2020 Spot and Link – I was dreaming about her last night

The people I consider Mom’s in my life are those people that just have a knack for knowing what to say, what to do, how to talk to me in any given situation.  They have an natural instinct for nurturing and helping in matters of the heart.

People like my Dad, my husband, my stepmom, mother and father-in-laws and my Aunt all have at one time or another taken on the role of  Mom for me.  Their love and care for me has in most cases been nearly unconditional.  They mean so much to me!

I have to be honest and say in many ways even my girl Spot has even been more like a mother to me than me to her!  I call her my dog ma lol.  She has been a Mother dog figure to Link in ways I could not.

I keep thinking at my age I shouldn’t need a Mom like I used to but I do.  The question is do we ever stop needing our Mom’s whatever shape, form, and relationship they come in?   It doesn’t seem like it for me!

What does still needing a Mom figure say about me?  Am I immature or is it an indicator that I am still growing?  Does this mean I’m still teachable?  Does this mean I am still a person who doesn’t have all the answers?  Does this mean I still need the loving wisdom beyond myself to keep me grounded in this world?  I think the answer to all of these is yes.

Mother” in the English Ordinal system equals 79 (rotate, words, lifetime, affection, listen, remember, watches, super, loving, singing, life of a bard)

a Mom” in the English Ordinal system equals 42 (this is neat because 42 also means self)

 

Source: Internet  Sometimes I feel like this lol and it’s not what my Mom’s have said or done, it’s all me!

 

 

9 May 2020 Superman

Hello to you. How are you doing today as you visit here?  I hope this finds you well.  I’m kind of in a weird space inside.  Every time I turn on the news I feel more anxious.  I’m still waiting for the good news that this whole Covoid 19 pandemic is behind us!   Wouldn’t it be nice to have a bunch of Superhero’s and or meta humans like the The Flash to help us out?

My superman

I’m finding comfort in telling stories.  I hope they are they are enjoyable to you too.  The inspiration for what I’m writing today came from the time before finding my current husband.  I can remember looking up to the stars and asking, “where are you?”  One of my husbands and my favorite superhero’s is Superman.   I know there are a bazillion different renditions of how Superman came to be – mine cuts through the chase of all the baby stuff lol.

———————————————————–

It was a long long time ago, well may be not that long ago, a lonely woman was standing out in the darkness.  Her weary eyes scanned the dark night sky.  She whispered under her breath, “Where are you?!  I am lost.  God can you hear me?”  The vast sea of stars seemed to respond to her words.  A single star stood out from all the others and twinkled at her extra special brightly.  Speaking in star speak so to speak!

Many moons, stars and suns passed and the lonely woman began to wonder if she had been forgotten.  Again she found herself standing out under the night sky and just as she began to speak, a familiar star shot out across the sky!  She exclaimed  to the darkness, “Is that you?!”

Now star time and human time are not the same.  A single day for a human is light years for a star.  It takes a long time for messages to travel back and forth but they do get exchanged.  Little did that woman know that many miles away from where she was standing that shooting star landed on earth.  The surprising thing was it was no longer a star but had transformed into a man.  The man knew why he was there and knew either he had many miles to travel or the one who had summoned him to earth did!

There were many rotations of earth.  There were many risings and settings of the sun and moon.  There were many rotations of the constellations  before the man from the stars and the woman would meet.  When they did finally meet she had one word for him, “Superman.”


Superman” in the English Ordinal system equals 107

starman” in the English Ordinal system equals 86

So it’s Saturday.   It’s looking like the weather is going to be really nice out.  Tomorrow is Mother’s Day in case you forgot.  I hope you have a wonderful day.  I’ll probably be back later.  Writing seems to be helping me adjust to what I’m going through right now.

Love the blue guitar he uses!

 

 

 

 

 

 

8 May 2020 Leaps of Faith – 12 years

Hello to you.  How are you doing?  I hope this finds you well in your world.  In my world today is about faith, celebrating and reflecting on 12 years of marriage.  A big part of this journey has been about taking leaps of faith both big ones and small.

I believe, and it has been my experience that every person that comes into your life teaches you things.  My husband has taught me a bunch of things like having faith in people, places and things that may have failed you.  It’s everything from the milk you buy at the store to people in your life.  A person that has failed him, especially these past couple of years has been me.  The road we’ve been traveling has been very bumpy.   Being married to someone diagnosed at bipolar can make marriage very difficult.  There is a lot of thinking you know someone and then you don’t know them at all.   You can’t see what being bipolar is except through behavior.

To look back at the past 12 years, our whole relationship has been leaps of faith.

Our shared past is full of huge leaps of faith!  He took a huge one flying out to meet me the first time after we met as two video game avatars, Prinzessa and Efess in FFXI (a MMORPG) in the Valkrum Dunes.  Shortly after we married, he had to stand by me when I had a hysterectomy which meant we wouldn’t have children in our marriage.  We both took another giant leap  when we chose to move ahead of the family to Texas waiting to hear if his Dad landed a job.  Choosing to become homeowners instead of lifelong renters was big jump for us.  All the little jumps like the things he and I did together by helping neighbors, getting involved in the planning of the city and helping out with Animal Control.  Looking back, very little has come easily to us but when we’ve taken the chance, it’s been worth it!

leap of faith” in the English Ordinal system equals 99

thirteen” in the English Ordinal system equals 99

(both my husband and I were born on the 13th)

If you look at the word faith, it’s about believing in something and or someone you can’t always see.  Some people have a faith in an institution like their church of choice, government or health system, some have faith in an object,  others a person and  for many it’s having faith in a God they cannot see.   

faith” in the English Ordinal system equals 44

brain” in the English Ordinal system equals 44

tend the garden of marriage daily” in the English Ordinal system equals 269 – God and people right in this!

God” in the English Ordinal system equals 26

people” in the English Ordinal system equals 69

I am hoping that we have many years before us.  I am so grateful he is my husband!  His parents and mine, our grandparents and so many before have lead what it means to be married by their example.   No matter how tough things get, you can still work things out.   I am hoping and praying that what is ahead will be worth all that we’ve already been through together thus far.

 

8 May 2008 – so handsome!
8 May 2008 our wedding day

7 May 2020 The Link who saved a Princess

This is a story about a Princess who was saved by her dog named Link. Everyone is a Princess in their own castle if you stop and think about it.  I have shared this story here before but the blog got deleted.  In light of recent events, it felt like a good time to share it again.  This is positive story when we need more of those.

So this story really began on 18 April 2014 when I, the sad and lonely Princess, was out walking in the fields down the street from our house.  I found  half of a Christmas ornament! The ornament said, ‘Ase Pa Vlla Nakni’ of Oklahoma. I had to look this up on the internet to find out what it meant. The Choctaw language loosely translated, it was about the arrival of a male child. Much to my delight and surprise, a couple of days later I found the other half of the same Christmas ornament at the entrance to our neighborhood. The top half had a picture of a little drummer boy and said ‘The Choctaw Nation.’

7 May 2020 Choctaw ornament I found before Link was born

I, the Princess, wrote a song about this:

I will not waiver
I will not fear
I will not cry or shed a tear
For you are here You are here
You love me and I love you
The future is blooming
For us to see as one, as one
You are here

Now my first thought was that my friend, another Princess, named Erin might be pregnant because she is part Choctaw but come to find out, her Princess, Tippie, a female maltese was expecting puppies instead!

We had told Erin that if Tippie ever had a little boy that we would consider adopting and sure enough on 9 December 2019 God smiled and Tippie gave birth to not one but three little Princes! We got to choose from the three and chose the odd ball with a panda face and darker coloring. Kyle chose the name which was both for his love of The Legend of Zelda video game character and our “link” to our friends Billy and Erin.

Baby picture of Link

Now what’s so special about this story is for three years prior to all this we had been grieving the loss of our cocker spaniel Sam. I had been begging God to bring our Sammy back and in God’s time, there was an answer! God seemed to say, “I’ll give you not one but three boys to choose from!”
The Christmas of his arrival, Link came to our town for the first time with his family and it was of course love at first sight! It was so hard to part but for my birthday on 13 February we went to Oklahoma and brought him home for good. His arrival healed both of our hearts.

In so many ways he has helped me face this journey of life and helps me know that I am not alone.  Link is not just a hero in video games but  a hero in my life.

The hero of our story

5 May 2020 Link and I on walk Parkway Park Alvarado TX

7 May 2020 What to do with yourself

Hello to you.  How are you doing today?  Link and I have started to get in the patterns of the sun.  When it’s dark you go so sleep.  So here I am at the keyboard, artificial sunshine of coffee and computer screen on!  This is a process that will only last a short period of time and then I’ll have to figure out what to do next lol.  It’s better than laying in bed like I was doing, fretting about a bunch of stuff I can’t control!

Such is life these days right?  What to do with myself to keep busy but stay at home.  I’m sure if I were to peruse the internet right now I’d find all kinds of advice on what I could be doing.  I can turn on the news on any station and if it’s not covoid19 hysteria it’s other bored people, famous and not,  showing us what they are doing to not be bored at home.  Finding stuff do and being alone didn’t use to be a problem for me.  What happened is choice of whether to immerse or not immerse myself in the world has been pretty much removed.  If I go out into the world to do something, it’s getting groceries, an appointment or something pretty important I need to do.

Yesterday I shared some of my art supplies with our neighbor children.  We have a couple of Mom’s in the neighborhood with young children and it’s so challenging right now for them to keep the young one’s entertained.

The old standbys have always been drawing, writing and right now working on another corner to corner afghan.  I’ve even considered working on an edited version of a book I’ve already e-published, The Gospel According to Sam  (https://www.amazon.com/Gospel-According-Sam-Jackie-Wygant-ebook/dp/B00533VOTU) all proceeds going to charity.   The only part of me that seems to really be working right now is the writing.  I sit down to draw and  unlike years past, it’s just a blank page or trying to record what is in front of me.

6 May 2020 drawing I did last night of Link out in the backyard.

There are only so many words, so many drawings, paintings and creative ways to put together the same meals before you start to repeat yourself or others.   The other thing is I’m trying to downsize and reduce the amount of that stuff I want around the house.  Thank goodness for digital writing but even that isn’t without pitfalls…..you need a reliable way to store the media if you care to retrieve it later.  I had a hard drive I was using.  It got dropped one too many times and now the data is  is locked in there unless I can get someone with some skills to break them out!  I am having to learn to be a more transitory person and it’s hard.

So I have found myself asking, what does the God of my understanding want me doing right now?!  I want to be useful and help somehow so is my even sharing this today doing that?  Do my words here help alleviate boredom and the same things for someone other than myself?

It’s kind of like life in the extremes of weather be it extreme cold or extreme heat.  In either one, I have learned to hunker down and keep busy but sometimes my lesser natures take over and I gain weight.  Eating becoming an activity.  Thankfully here the weather has been nice so when I get really restless I put on my walking shoes and take Link out or go just by myself.  Walking does help!

Today I decided to look at the phrase staying busy.  I’m going to put all the values I’ve come up on my “travels” with gematria.  Sometimes to see the order in which I have found different number values is like a weird sentence lol:

staying busy” in the English Ordinal system equals 162 – a taking, train, insane, riches, torah, shift, poop, behaves, noise, hearing germs, right, under, humane, doubt, Queen, disease, favor, plasma, choices, under, right, audience, a miracle, polar.

one six two” in the English Ordinal system equals 144 – a mask, brain, clock, handle, hope, faith, cut, space, bored, talk.

one four four” in the English Ordinal system equals 154 – a love, sun, play, French, voice, eyes, chemical, health, acting, spar, breath, Bavaria, butch, pods, bodies, Gabriel, Mama bear, foodie, gnome, eyes

one five four” in the English Ordinal system equals 136 – a halo, child, hair, bite, heard, hug, have, asp, agree, chips

one three six” in the English Ordinal system equals 142 – a self, new, gift, balanced, rain, run, war, raw, rare, bitch, female, rebel, Odin, sub, tail

one four two” in the English Ordinal system equals 152 – a blonde, earth, seeds, caring, speak, what, thaw, hobby, disable, heart, Pope, kept, raise, create, spice, birds, devil, dog, pee, crop, ship, going, hobby, ashes, a glaze, thaw

one five two” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 – a cold, chance, free, hate, breed, heat

Now all of this said, I am not trying to invite drama into my life What I wish to invite into my life is a positive, loving way I can be of service to God as I understand them.   

The last thing I want to be is a waste of space.  So I am going to trust that gradually, as I can handle it, God will show me great ways to be of service in this uncertain time.   May be in some way, I’m already doing it just blogging here?  May be somebody, that’s not me, will see my message here and get some relief from their personal struggles and be able to pass that light on to someone near or far in their own life?   That’s my hope!

The Beatitudes from the Bible. I am not a religious person, but very spiritual. Parts of the Bible like this are comforting I think.