2 Dec 2025 Pushing On

December 3, 2025 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, history, Home, human rights, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello there, how are you as you visit me here? Today was long and kind of lonely but we have pushed through it. To be honest I have been missing having someone to come home to me. Link has me to look forward to coming home. I think of him as home as he rises up on his back legs and frantically taps at the front door waiting for me to come in. I miss my ex everyday but I know that ship has sailed. We were communicating a little bit but if I don’t initiate the communication there is nothing from him. He has moved on and I always hope he’s happier now.

The rest of this post is me reflecting on where I’ve been and where I hope to go:

I miss having a husband but don’t like what you have to go through to get one these days. I tried Tinder and that was a cluster you know what. I ended up with someone who wasn’t good for me and wanted more from me than I could give at the time. I just wasn’t attracted to him and that made him nuts. My taste is what I had in my ex and I totally blew it with my manic episodes! He just got fed up with the person I became when I was in untreated mania.

I always said that if I couldn’t make it work with Kyle I wasn’t going to make it with anyone. He wasn’t a perfect husband but pretty darn wonderful and I blew it. Some say he shouldn’t have divorced me but they don’t understand the spiral that happens with mania. When we were first together he knew I had mental health issues but I was being treated and was on meds that kept the mania at bay. When mania happened the last couple of times I was really doing things that hurt and or upset him. We were breaking things. He got physical with me a couple of times out of extreme frustration and it was after that he went to stay with his parents. When he could see I wasn’t going to get the help I needed he decided a divorce was the only answer. I didn’t take that decision very well! I felt so lost and alone. My everyday was like living in a haunted house. Memories of Kyle were everywhere I went from the house to the neighborhood. I wasn’t plugged in to Jesus yet but thankfully had people who were to talk to. I thank God for my Idaho family who were there for me – praying for me. They are the reason I am where I am today! Jesus used each of them to help me escape the nightmare I was in.

It took me awhile, even after I was out of Texas, to fully recover from the nightmare I was living. My Aunt Ruth and Uncle John handled me with tender care the 6 months I lived with them. I didn’t want to shower with the door shut. I didn’t want to eat meals at the table. I didn’t want to watch television. I walked constantly to combat my anxiety. I had nightmares. I saw versions of Kyle everywhere I went. Everything was a trigger to my thinking of Kyle. We had been married 12 years and I was married 16 years in my first marriage. I had grief and remorse over my first marriage too! Kyle and I committed adultery and I really felt bad about that as did Kyle. I just unraveled after he left me and felt this pulling sensation in the back of my body all the time. It was like the enemy had a hold on me and didn’t want to let go.

It’s been over 5 years now that I’ve been here in Idaho. I am much better than I was. It’s been about 2 years since I decided to accept Jesus as my savior. I finally made the choice that God had been patiently waiting for me to make. With this choice and my saying yes some doors have opened. I have gotten more involved with my church and that has made me some friends. I even got baptized which I didn’t think I would do. Now if he would only heal me from what’s going on in my head and lower back I could be of more use – a better vessel for the Holy Spirit. These conditions have prevented me from volunteering as much as I could be.

The other thing missing is a companion to share the rest of my life with. I have kind of resigned myself to my ending up being alone the rest of my life but I don’t know Gods plans for me about this. If I do fall in love again I want him to share in my love of Jesus and of course Link must approve of whoever he ends up being!

Thank you for reading!

Dear Jesus I pray for this world as fallen as it is that more of the lost will find their way to you. I pray for the poor, sick, mentally and physically in decline. I pray for all leaders in positions of power and influence that your will be done through their words and deeds. I pray for an end to all animal cruelty. I pray for an end to all wars that there would be peace. I pray for all children especially those being abused and or neglected. I pray for the children suffering in war ravaged parts of the world. Thank you. Amen.

20 October 2023 Lazy Days

October 21, 2023 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, history, Home, human rights, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Do lazy days make you feel rested or unproductive?

Hello to you. Hope this finds you well. God has been at the wheel of the stuff I’ve been going through lately – extremely grateful for the prayers of family, friends and even strangers! My Aunt met a elderly veteran who gave her this cross for me and said he would pray for me. The wagons of Gods people have been rallied! I’m so, so grateful!

I don’t usually wear crosses because of what they represent – the murder of an innocent man but understand what it means in Christianity.

When I think of todays prompt I think of my life right now gradually getting in place. It’s taken me three years to get where I’m at. Many of the days leading up to this one were littered with fear, sadness and grief – lack of faith! A lot of my days have not very productive and could be perceived as lazy days. I was in such a state of shock leaving Texas. I have been retired from active duty longer than I was in (21 years). When I was active duty I burned the candle at both ends. I was usually the one leadership turned to when a program was a mess. I worked a lot of long days cleaning up messes. Lazy days meant more to me then they do now. I don’t have a specific purpose when I wake up each day! When I was active duty I was up at 4:30 am and worked til after 5.

I haven’t completely found a fit for me here yet in being useful again. A lot of what holds me back is driving. I hate driving! When I was married, Kyle used to always drive and I got used to that after 12 years! I was spoiled! I keep my eyes open for things I can do – little things. When my back is not hurting I would like to help set up at the church again. I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting the gift of my life. A lot of people I’ve known haven’t even lived as long as I have.

One of my favorite passages from the Bible – makes me think of a Palladian (class I played in FFXI video game). In these trying times we must put on our armor!

Ephesians 6:10-13New International Version

The Armor of God

¹⁰Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

30 March 2023 Understanding

March 30, 2023 by saymber, posted in animals, Bipolar life, Health, history, Home, human rights, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

What’s something most people don’t understand?

Mental healths connection to spiritual health.

It’s important to attain balance in all things. Too much of anything can offset balance. I think it’s possible to be over religious and as in my case that can create imbalance. I think you need a healthy spiritual life to have a healthy mental life. I believe there is a void in each of us that only things of the spirit – of God- can fill. I believe there is definitely a connection – at least for me, can’t speak for everyone.

This past hospitalization to a mental hospital occurred because I was tired of waiting for Jesus’s second coming. I got too much into religion. I took it upon myself to initiate it and ended up getting tased by the police and sent to a hospital! The spirit world was talking through me and I enjoyed it but it messed up my mental health. It took over again like what happened in Texas a couple of times. The anxiety attacks were the worst part.

Thankfully I have loving family that have a balanced spiritual and mental life that are there for me. I don’t know if I would have made it in Texas if my Idaho family hadn’t been there for me. My cousins wife confided in me recently that before she and my cousin came and got Link and I, the prepared themselves spiritually as it seemed like other spiritual forces were at work with me. They put on their holy armor!

I think a lot of people try to get through life without a healthy balance of belief in God and self. There are things that nothing of this tangible world can fix. My ex and I learned this especially when we had to let our dog Sam go to the rainbow bridge. There was nothing that could fill the void his passing left inside of us. It was like losing a child! Even as much as Link’s arrival helped, only Gods unconditional love has really filled the void. Sam’s love and behavior towards us was like I imagine Gods love to be – unconditional. Our pets teach us so much that can’t be taught, and learned, any other way.

28 July 2022 A Personal Relationship

July 27, 2022 by saymber, posted in Animal Rights, animals, Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, books, drawing, dreams, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Food, Health, history, Home, human rights, In the News, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Michael's Burleson TX, Money, Movies, Music, Native American Culture, Nature, photography, Politics and Government, Science (Keshe Foundation and other innovations), Short stories, Social media, space, Spirituality and Religion, technology, Television, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

For a long time , most of my life, I have loved God. As I have matured and learned so much about matters of organic energy and matters of the spirit I have learned through personal experience how important it is to have s personal relationship. A relationship no one outside of myself can define. No book or written word. Sometimes just the sound of aspen leaves blowing in the wind. Always present. Recently I made a choice I had been straddling the fence about for many years. I decided to surrender my soul to Jesus Christ….not in the book but the one I have come to know through a personal relationship. In the sky, God and the Earth my mother…our shared mother and once they made a son. I don’t believe he left such is not the way of this system as I understand it. Too many words. Human beings trying to make sense of things as they had understanding at the time. Words of the time that have changed in ours. So many translations. So many individual perceptions. We are in the one circle. Sometimes mythology is our only comfort in times of great loss and confusion.

“Two halves of one whole.”

https://youtu.be/xFtgj2m_Mk4 – Control Mind in a box

27 May 2022 Times in the Valley

May 27, 2022 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, Health, history, Home, human rights, In the News, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Nature, photography, Politics and Government, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Television, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. Another week has come and gone. Today doesn’t find me on top of a mountain but down in a valley. I’m just finding it difficult to right myself after the latest goings on. Last night I was falling asleep and heard a loud noise inside and outside of my head and it startled me. Then I felt this presence fill the room and seem to be standing right next to me. There was a cold chill and I felt like I was being touched. Whatever was happening was not comforting and made me feel really anxious! When I asked if Jesus was there whatever it was went away. This kind of stuff happens to me and it’s so hard to understand.

As I write to you, I’m not feeling very rested but I can’t go back to sleep. What is my mind and body doing or is it something else? Someone else? I just don’t know! Praying and hoping Jesus will reveal some answers!

https://youtu.be/o5OnF3sg0cY – The Chosen Scene Jesus Gives The Beatitudes

Matthew 5New International Version

Introduction to the Sermon on the Mount

5 Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, ²and he began to teach them.

The Beatitudes^(A)

He said:

³“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.^(B)
⁴Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.^(C)
⁵Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.^(D)
⁶Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.^(E)
⁷Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.^(F)
⁸Blessed are the pure in heart,^(G)
    for they will see God.^(H)
⁹Blessed are the peacemakers,^(I)
    for they will be called children of God.^(J)
¹⁰Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,^(K)
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.^(L)

¹¹“Blessed are you when people insult you,^(M)persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.^(N) ¹²Rejoice and be glad,^(O) because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.^(P)

13 May 2022 Armor

May 13, 2022 by saymber, posted in animals, Art and Poetry, books, Health, history, Home, human rights, In the News, Leading Life by Example, Nature, photography, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, technology, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you on this Friday the 13th! How are you? I’m happy to say last night was drama free other than the usual struggle to fall asleep. Yesterday I had a visit with my Aunt, Uncle and their little dog Smokey. She’s healing well from the knee surgery but there is pain and swelling. when I arrived her physical therapist was there helping her do exercises to help with the healing process. She and I talked about a lot to include her telling me that the previous night she had a horrible nightmare. It felt to her that whatever was after me went after her instead. So last night I told her that we should both read and pray about putting on the armor of God before bed. The other thing I did was focus on Jesus in various ways – even looking at silly gifs people have made with him in it. From the information on the shroud of Turin faces of Christ have emerged and I found the one I felt the most peace seeing. I have it on my phone so if I wake up in the night like I do, I can have a face to see – to rest in.

This is when I think the resurrection happened and the image was made on the shroud. It’s interesting to think of the power of light. They say an energy more powerful than that of all the earth was responsible for the illumination that occurred to make the image on the shroud.

Can you imagine looking into these eyes? There are many images of what people think he looked like. This one resonates with me. I often think of his saying he would return -he didn’t say specifically how he would do that!

Messages from A Woman’s Spirit for today:

The truest measurement of my growth and accomplishments is in remembering where I came from, where I’ve been, and where I’m going. – Joan Rohde

Our daily routines can be so absorbing that we lose perspective on how we used to live. That’s okay. We need to be present to the moment. However, it benefits us to remember occasionally what our lives used to be like. Never getting too far from the insanity of our past helps us be grateful for the gifts that have become commonplace now.

We’ve grown as the result of recovery. For many of us, very little in our lives looks or feels the same.We have new friends, sober relationships, more self-esteem, and a positive direction.

A true gift of this new life is that we have hope.We know we can do great things. We know we lived through our traumas because we had not yet fulfilled our purpose, our part of God’s destiny. And we know we’ll get the guidance we need to fulfill that destiny if we remain committed to the program’s principles.

I am in a”growing”state of mind. My life is a rich and purposeful play directed by my Higher Power.

(What comes to mind reading this is almost everyone has a “something” that has taken their focus not just stuff like alcohol, food or work. A something has been overly influential in their life. There is a long list of what those something’s are and just what has happened to a life when those something’s rule. Is the something influencing you these days feeding your worldly aspect or your soul? How do you feel in the “something” process? Does it lift you up or break you down?)

I always hope something in these blogs helps….speaks to someone else besides me!

A little walk yesterday:

I’ve never seen this type of flower before!

I love stopping to see what the various trees on my walks are doing – their processes for living a life as a tree.

The first cat we’ve encountered on a walk around here that wasn’t bothered by Link.

I could take pictures of the sun and clouds all day lol! I’m always amazed to see what’s going on up there.

“Hello! I’m a good boy! You try to be good too ok?!”

30 March 2022 Fair

March 30, 2022 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, books, Health, history, human rights, In the News, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Nature, photography, Politics and Government, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Television, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 30 March 2022 Wednesday chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1441259554

Hello to you. How are you today? I hope well. Last night was another struggle with getting sleep but God and I got through it. My head has been really full the past few days and I’ve been thinking and praying about a lot. There has been so much going on near and far that has captured my attention and care. It’s hard to wind down when I’m like that. Before bed I saw a video that added more thoughts to my head and prayers to my lips. It was about our President and his mental condition. The source was from Fox News which I expected to be cruel about this subject but Tucker Carlson wasn’t. He brought up some very valid concerns. I will let you judge for yourself if you are interested: https://youtu.be/gsOnnLts-4U – Tucker: Biden can’t regulate his emotions. Being a leader at any strata of this existence isn’t an enviable position. So much responsibility and pressure! God is working in these people. I hope to continue to see God at work. I’m already seeing glimpses of it with the war in the Ukraine. What we focus the power of our thoughts on the most is what helps God manifest those thoughts into reality. That’s how it seems to me anyways! Prayers for leaders at all levels!

Message from A Woman’s Spirit for today:

By embracing the unfair, I no longer feel fear or reflection or lack of self-esteem. – Eileen Fehlen

It’s so human to quickly label an unwanted situation as unfair and to assume we know what’s best for us. We reason that if God would answer our prayers, our lives would unfold appropriately. It’s also terribly human to have to relearn repeatedly that God’s will and God’s timetable don’t always match our own; however , without fail they serve us well.

Learning to appreciate the good in everything that comes our way makes us courageous. In time few things will fill us with fear, and that is measurable progress. We were tormented by fear for so many years that we never expected this rebirth of spirit. Life is beginning to feel inviting, exciting and safe. Let’s step forth together.

I can be certain that God will give me only what is right for me today.

—————

Today I picked up a round piece of rose quartz I have and it was so comforting. There have been several times when I’ve been sick that I have held rose quartz and felt like it helped me heal. When my friend and I went to a rock and gem show I could tell by the crowds that I’m not the only one who feels like these stones help. I know for some it seems like woo woo and that’s ok! It could be a placebo effect somewhat but like with the rose quartz orb I’m holding as I write to you – it feels good in my hand. I think of those worry stones – remember those?

Rose quartz is known as a healing crystal and the stone of unconditional love.
…
It’s believed by some to emit strong vibrations of love, which are thought to:

support emotional and relationship healing.
inspire compassion.
boost feelings of peace and calm.

https://www.healthline.com › health

Rose Quartz Crystal: Meaning, Healing, and How to Use – Healthline

23 March 2022 Finding Comfort

March 23, 2022 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, books, drawing, Health, history, Home, human rights, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Music, Nature, photography, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 23 March 2022 Wednesday chat(AA Step 3) https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1434295003

I had to talk to God and myself this morning while feeling anxiety

Hello to you. How are you? Today began with one of those anxiety attacks I get once in awhile. I think it has to do with sleep apnea but I’m not sure. I just know I kind of freaked out. I had to pull out some tools from my sanity toolkit to get myself calmed down. I started with talking to God and went to the Bible to try and find comforting messages. I looked through so many chapters….the concordance for anxiety and comfort and just couldn’t find what I was looking for. It came to me to try the “Big Book” from Alcoholics Anonymous, specifically Step 3….made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. I ended up making my Twitch Stream today mostly about this step. When I initially entered into the program this step was hard. My sponsor reassured me that it didn’t have to be just the God of the Bible that I turned my will….surrendered to. It had to be a power that wasn’t me. It was me that got me into the mess I was in. Chances were that it wasn’t going to be my own will that was going to get me free. I just had to acknowledge I was powerless over alcohol (among other things of an addictive nature), admit I had a problem and then, most importantly, be WILLING to ask for help….accept help the way it came. What I realized using this program is if you get to the core of why addiction happens there are fewer what’s. A lot of people I met in AA were self medicating – they had a lot of “why’s” they were covering up with alcohol. They needed therapy and either couldn’t get it or would rather have the stigma of being an alcoholic than the stigma that comes with mental illness. When I look at my own life with help and by myself, there were so many why’s to my addictions. I kept trying to fill voids in my life with people, places and things. Many of those voids were of an intangible nature. You can’t put tangible things in the space where only the intangible dwells.

The messages from A Woman’s Spirit today had to do with friendship. The power we learn through the program is we can choose better friends. Here is a thought provoking part of the message:

“We may not have picked our friends carefully in our youth. Many of us felt pressured to hang out with a crowd that didn’t share our values. We frequently lived up to their expectations of us rather than our own. The internal conflict was painful, and we may still suffer from it.”

My choice of friends today reflects the health of my recovery.

________

It’s pretty easy to tell who are true friends are in life. They are the ones who are still there for you and comfort you as you clean up the mess you’ve made. I consider many members of my family also as dear friends! When we are young it feels like we don’t have a great power of choosing – so much is chosen for us!

Speaking of friendship! Last night Astravert did a wonderful collaboration with some fellow musicians on Twitch:

Check out astravert afishinabirdcage bagelrabbit COLLAB https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1433997448

17 March 2022 Dwell In Me God

March 17, 2022 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, books, drawing, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Music, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 17 March 2022 Thursday chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1428406120

Hello to you in your where and when as you visit me here. How are you? I hope this finds you well. I’m doing ok. I had to redo my stream on Twitch because I got invaded by some trolls. It happens. Thankfully I can ban them!

“Dwell in me God. Be strong when I am weak”

Sometimes we are faced with people, places, things and or situations where we just don’t know what to do. Sometimes the only answer is to be still and ask God for help. I have to do that a lot. I have to get myself to shut up both in my head and out of my mouth – be willing to just listen. I fail a lot but keep trying!

Todays message in A Woman’s Spirit kind of talks about letting God into our daily lives:

I don’t always know what I want, but I do know what I don’t want. -Helen Neujahr

We don’t want pain or confusion in our lives. We don’t want friends to depart. We don’t want a boss to be too demanding. And we don’t want to lose control of the outcomes that are unfolding around us every day. There is so much we don’t want. How lucky we are to be in this program and to have a caring Higher Power to help us handle the situations that we don’t want in our lives.

We need the help of a Higher Power because we seldom know what is really best for us. Had we had our way in years past, we most likely would not be recovering. Instead, we may have stayed in a relationship that was quietly killing us, or we may have killed someone’s else or ourselves because of our addiction. God had a better plan for us then; God continues to have a better plan for us now.

We must be ready to relinquish that which we think we want if the evidence confronting us suggests God thinks differently. We must let hindsight offer us enlightenment regarding God’s better plan.

I will trust God to direct my thoughts and my actions. I will try to want what God wants for me today.

___________________

Lately I have been asking God to just be with me. The message in the drawing was a little prayer yesterday. I have been struggling in my body with being heavier and pain in my legs. The issues of this world feel heavy. The only real escape has come from my thoughts and prayers. I talk to God as I would my dearest friend, with my heart,”Hey God do you want to hang out with me today?”

https://youtu.be/7IIZIPtQuW8 – Passion – God Your So Good (live) Kristian Stanfill, Melodie Malone

10 March 2022 The Challenge of a Quiet Mind

March 10, 2022 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Home, human rights, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Nature, photography, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, technology, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 10 March 2022 Thursday chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1421288283

Hello to you. How is your where and when as you visit me here? Hard to believe it’s Thursday already. The week has gone by fast.

This gift rock from my dear friend “T” brightens each day

Todays message from A Woman’s Spirit has to do with quieting the mind and meditation. Both of these things have been a challenge for me! I have always had a monkey mind and or chatter brain. However, when I was living in Texas I used to lay on my back for hours just connecting with the passing clouds or sit on the band stand we had and connect with the trees, flowers and insects. I guess it was like meditating! I do better outside when it comes to trying to still my body and mind. Inside there are so many distractions!

This morning I did something that I need to do more often and that is get quiet inside and focus my thoughts. It’s really hard for me to “hold a thought.” In particular my sinuses were kind of blocked up so I focused my thoughts to my sinus and told them to open up and or to clear…..it worked! I was able to breathe freely again. I then proceeded to focus on different parts of my body that have been hurting and was able to get relief there too. Then before my feet hit the ground to get up I just asked God to be with me today….”Hey God would you hang out with me today?”

Anyhew lol what I’m talking about here is a challenge in the kind of world we live in. I really struggle myself with this! If we are in a relationship of some kind, have kids, pets, a job, hobbies….things that keep us busy and distracted all day long, it can be really difficult to find time to just stop not only our bodies but our busy minds. Stop long enough to connect with our inner selves and our Higher Power. Be still…..some of us in this world are choosing and in many cases out of survival are having to stay busy every waking minute. We have to rest our bodies and our minds —- make space and time for our spiritual selves to exist. Like I said on my stream today if you are having trouble with having quiet time inside – why? What is keeping you from it and what can you do about it? If it’s a lot of things and you are overwhelmed what is one thing you can do to get peace inside? I have to do this myself – not focus on all the stuff I can’t change but focus on what I can. Kind of like what The Serenity Prayer talks about:

The Serenity Prayer is a prayer written by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr. It is commonly quoted as: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Messages from A Woman’s Spirit today:

“Today I will stop brooding – and start meditation.” – Nancy T

“I can figure out my next best move today if I quiet my mind long enough to receive God’s message.”