anxiety and mental health

2 Dec 2025 Pushing On

December 3, 2025 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, history, Home, human rights, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello there, how are you as you visit me here? Today was long and kind of lonely but we have pushed through it. To be honest I have been missing having someone to come home to me. Link has me to look forward to coming home. I think of him as home as he rises up on his back legs and frantically taps at the front door waiting for me to come in. I miss my ex everyday but I know that ship has sailed. We were communicating a little bit but if I don’t initiate the communication there is nothing from him. He has moved on and I always hope he’s happier now.

The rest of this post is me reflecting on where I’ve been and where I hope to go:

I miss having a husband but don’t like what you have to go through to get one these days. I tried Tinder and that was a cluster you know what. I ended up with someone who wasn’t good for me and wanted more from me than I could give at the time. I just wasn’t attracted to him and that made him nuts. My taste is what I had in my ex and I totally blew it with my manic episodes! He just got fed up with the person I became when I was in untreated mania.

I always said that if I couldn’t make it work with Kyle I wasn’t going to make it with anyone. He wasn’t a perfect husband but pretty darn wonderful and I blew it. Some say he shouldn’t have divorced me but they don’t understand the spiral that happens with mania. When we were first together he knew I had mental health issues but I was being treated and was on meds that kept the mania at bay. When mania happened the last couple of times I was really doing things that hurt and or upset him. We were breaking things. He got physical with me a couple of times out of extreme frustration and it was after that he went to stay with his parents. When he could see I wasn’t going to get the help I needed he decided a divorce was the only answer. I didn’t take that decision very well! I felt so lost and alone. My everyday was like living in a haunted house. Memories of Kyle were everywhere I went from the house to the neighborhood. I wasn’t plugged in to Jesus yet but thankfully had people who were to talk to. I thank God for my Idaho family who were there for me – praying for me. They are the reason I am where I am today! Jesus used each of them to help me escape the nightmare I was in.

It took me awhile, even after I was out of Texas, to fully recover from the nightmare I was living. My Aunt Ruth and Uncle John handled me with tender care the 6 months I lived with them. I didn’t want to shower with the door shut. I didn’t want to eat meals at the table. I didn’t want to watch television. I walked constantly to combat my anxiety. I had nightmares. I saw versions of Kyle everywhere I went. Everything was a trigger to my thinking of Kyle. We had been married 12 years and I was married 16 years in my first marriage. I had grief and remorse over my first marriage too! Kyle and I committed adultery and I really felt bad about that as did Kyle. I just unraveled after he left me and felt this pulling sensation in the back of my body all the time. It was like the enemy had a hold on me and didn’t want to let go.

It’s been over 5 years now that I’ve been here in Idaho. I am much better than I was. It’s been about 2 years since I decided to accept Jesus as my savior. I finally made the choice that God had been patiently waiting for me to make. With this choice and my saying yes some doors have opened. I have gotten more involved with my church and that has made me some friends. I even got baptized which I didn’t think I would do. Now if he would only heal me from what’s going on in my head and lower back I could be of more use – a better vessel for the Holy Spirit. These conditions have prevented me from volunteering as much as I could be.

The other thing missing is a companion to share the rest of my life with. I have kind of resigned myself to my ending up being alone the rest of my life but I don’t know Gods plans for me about this. If I do fall in love again I want him to share in my love of Jesus and of course Link must approve of whoever he ends up being!

Thank you for reading!

Dear Jesus I pray for this world as fallen as it is that more of the lost will find their way to you. I pray for the poor, sick, mentally and physically in decline. I pray for all leaders in positions of power and influence that your will be done through their words and deeds. I pray for an end to all animal cruelty. I pray for an end to all wars that there would be peace. I pray for all children especially those being abused and or neglected. I pray for the children suffering in war ravaged parts of the world. Thank you. Amen.

14 Nov 2023 Meeting

November 14, 2023 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Mental Health, Movies, Spirituality and Religion, Television, Veteran Affairs

Who is the most famous or infamous person you have ever met?

Hello to you. I’m trying to get help with my medication. I’ve been taking more than I have been prescribed and am almost out again. I have just been so anxious and the olanzapine is the only thing that works to help calm me. I might have to go back in to the walk in clinic which sucks as I have to get someone to take me.

The most famous person I have had contact with is Jonathan Rhys Meyers and his wife Mara Lane. I sent him a fan letter and they responded. Which is very rare. The other famous person I saw at an airport was Lyle Alzado of the Oakland Raiders. The team came and sat in the restaurant my ex and I were sitting in. They were so big! Lyle was at his best – before he was sick from steroids. I knew as soon as he was walking by that “he was somebody!”

I need to get better about this!

Philippians 4:6-7 NIV

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

16 October 2023 Waiting and the Unknown

October 16, 2023 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. The past few days have been hard for me. I am having to wait and there are lots of unknowns. I can’t really get into specifics but my whole life is affected by what’s going on right now. I’m so grateful for my family and friends! I came up with this poem to describe what’s going on.

The Unknown

I stand at the threshold of the unknown

Only fleeting glimpses of the future

I am being shown

The past rises to my now and when

Erases the clean slate

Of all I have been

Everything comes crashing in fast

The reality I now face

Is something I would only think of last

I have asked God the questions of where and when

The answers are seemingly harsh

Considering where I have already been

God has a plan for me I don’t know what

I just need to keep my faith strong

Stay out of the fear I’m feeling in my gut

Everything happens for a reason

For a moment

For a season

I must trust the process …..

18 April 2023 Positive Thing (Daily prompt)

April 18, 2023 by saymber, posted in animals, Bipolar life, Health, Home, human rights, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Describe a positive thing a family member has done for you.

Hello there. How are you? Todays prompt is a good one. It gets me in a gratitude space in my mind. When I think about this I have trouble limiting to just one family member. It has taken a village of family and friends ( and a dog) to get me safely to where I am today! The area of most help looking back over the past couple years is with panic attacks and anxiety.

When I was still in Texas I experienced some of the worst panic attacks and anxiety I have ever had. Some of that carried over to Idaho for a time. My cousins wife, my cousins, my Aunt and Uncle all helped me via telephone and with their actions. It’s been going on four years this coming a July that I’ve lived here and they continue to help me! My ex and his family have helped me too – when Link got loose from the dog sitter and was in the shelter, they helped us get him out.

It’s hard to break the help down into just one thing! My cousins wife really helped me a lot when I was in Texas. I would have panic attacks and severe anxiety and she would talk me through it on the phone. I can remember all the times she helped me with just eating a meal. I would talk to her while I ate shaking the whole time. If she wasn’t able to talk, my Aunt or another cousin would. I can remember my cousin Laura helping to get me to the grocery store- talking to me the whole way! I use to walk and talk on my cell phone for hours to work through the anxiety I was feeling. I’m so grateful for my family and friends! So much patience!

Here is a little passage about helping the weak:

Acts 20:35 NIV35 In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive. ‘ “

22 November 2022 A Goal

November 22, 2022 by saymber, posted in Animal Rights, animals, Bipolar life, Health, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How are you? I hope well. I just had a telephone consult with my psychologist through the VA and it was pretty intense. She is a short term therapist with goal orientated treatment. I don’t know if she and I will be a good fit or not but will give it a try. She wants me to come up with a goal for treatment. The goal I am thinking of involves leaving the house more. This means leaving Link alone more and that’s hard for me. I don’t like leaving him alone a lot. We shall see what comes up. I talked to her about my swaying sensation being a problem about me doing things. She is going to forward a note about it to my nurse.

Something I’m struggling with with volunteering is driving too. May be there is something I can do that doesn’t involve a lot of driving. I will lift this up to God. I will be useful some how.

4 June 2022 Angel Sounds

June 4, 2022 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, dreams, Health, history, Home, human rights, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Music, Nature, photography, Science (Keshe Foundation and other innovations), Social media, Spirituality and Religion, technology, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Walking by the canals yesterday with Link, we were treated with the sight of a wild Iris! I love surprises like this ❤️

Hello to you. How are you? I’m doing pretty good as I write to you today. This morning I had gone back to sleep and had one of those vivid dreams I’ve talked to you about before. It’s like being alive in a parallel world from your own. For a brief moment I saw a dog that looked like a pug, standing by a window much like mine. Coming through the blinds was a single point of light and the dog seemed to be reacting to it. It looked like the lights I see sometimes. It wasn’t a normal light you might expect to see and I startled awake!

Yesterday I spent most of the day singing and exploring music. Doing this helped a lot in trying to lift the depression I’ve been experiencing lately. The other thing about singing and listening to music is it helps with body pain too. Music is an amazing energy in its many forms. It can reach all parts of us and evoke energetic miracles. I think of The Music and Memory Organization saying this (https://musicandmemory.org/)

Here are are a couple sounds in addition to the Tanpura I found yesterday, kind of had angels on my mind:

https://youtu.be/DyjPdNFEZC0 – Audioslave Like a Stone (finger style guitar and vocals) Lucas Imbiriba

https://youtu.be/DE7_VtGIR8o – Matt Redman Angels (singing Gloria) (Lyrics and Chords) feat Chris Tomlin

https://youtu.be/uujxyfqrDg4 -Judikay – Song of Angels – Ndi Mo Zi –

https://youtu.be/_j13d5eFgQk – Libera – Angel (performed live at Universal Studios Japan)

https://youtu.be/wxgfnEkxkMI – Angels singing caught on tape (Jesus Norway) – it’s up to you as to what you think of this recording. It would be amazing to think angels voices can reach us!

https://youtu.be/hGnvp9KzimA – Rhythmic Sounds- Close or Far- Mei-lan Maurits

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1493509553 – Astravert session yesterday (Justin Carter)

I loved seeing and hearing someone who normally paints murals doing some singing too: https://fb.watch/drflU6Ktw_/ – Muralist Tony Stafki

3 June 2022 The Consoling and Healing Power of Music

June 3, 2022June 3, 2022 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, history, Home, human rights, In the News, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Music, Nature, photography, Politics and Government, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, technology, Television, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How are you? This morning I’m feeling grateful for so many things – I don’t want to be sad again today! These past couple of weeks have been so heavy! When I’m feeling low it’s gratitude that is my life preserver. With thoughts of gratitude comes my love for God and music. What an amazing thing for God to inspire us to create. Even if all you can do is hum a few bars! To me expressing ourselves in music is a fantastic form of praise to God and this earth.

https://youtu.be/TTXBLspw_Z0 – Paul Baloche God of Wonders

Music in it’s many forms has always been something I could turn to for every facet of life experience. Whether it be a happy, sad or confusing moment, there has been some sort of song. This morning I wanted to remember happier, sillier times in my life and the B-52’s came to mind. I think it’s so wonderful that after all these years they still perform together:

https://youtu.be/9SOryJvTAGs – B-52’s Love Shack

https://youtu.be/d1Nq82S7_0Q – Rock Lobster – B52’s

This psalm, 147, has a little bit of everything in it. God mending the hearts of the broken hearted and giving praise in song. I thought it was beautiful that there was music to honor the victims at Uvalde:

Psalm 147

¹Praise the Lord.^[a]

How good it is to sing praises to our God,
how pleasant and fitting to praise him!²The Lord builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the exiles of Israel.
³He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
⁴He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.
⁵Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
his understanding has no limit.
⁶The Lord sustains the humble
but casts the wicked to the ground.⁷Sing to the Lord with grateful praise;
make music to our God on the harp.⁸He covers the sky with clouds;
he supplies the earth with rain
and makes grass grow on the hills.
⁹He provides food for the cattle
and for the young ravens when they call.¹⁰His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse,
nor his delight in the legs of the warrior;
¹¹the Lord delights in those who fear him,
who put their hope in his unfailing love.¹²Extol the Lord, Jerusalem;
praise your God, Zion.¹³He strengthens the bars of your gates
and blesses your people within you.
¹⁴He grants peace to your borders
and satisfies you with the finest of wheat.¹⁵He sends his command to the earth;
his word runs swiftly.
¹⁶He spreads the snow like wool
and scatters the frost like ashes.
¹⁷He hurls down his hail like pebbles.
Who can withstand his icy blast?
¹⁸He sends his word and melts them;
he stirs up his breezes, and the waters flow.¹⁹He has revealed his word to Jacob,
his laws and decrees to Israel.
²⁰He has done this for no other nation;
they do not know his laws.^[b]Praise the Lord.

Voices and talents shared to help console a broken hearted Texas community:

https://youtu.be/lwmitxvM0LE – Light of the world church choir at memorial site of Uvalde shooting victims

https://youtu.be/FA1cupxYaKM – Mariachis honor victims of Uvalde school shooting with musical performance

https://youtu.be/ZjUE07zDtEA – 11-year old songs sings in honor of friend killed in Uvalde shooting

30 March 2022 Fair

March 30, 2022 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, books, Health, history, human rights, In the News, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Nature, photography, Politics and Government, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Television, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 30 March 2022 Wednesday chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1441259554

Hello to you. How are you today? I hope well. Last night was another struggle with getting sleep but God and I got through it. My head has been really full the past few days and I’ve been thinking and praying about a lot. There has been so much going on near and far that has captured my attention and care. It’s hard to wind down when I’m like that. Before bed I saw a video that added more thoughts to my head and prayers to my lips. It was about our President and his mental condition. The source was from Fox News which I expected to be cruel about this subject but Tucker Carlson wasn’t. He brought up some very valid concerns. I will let you judge for yourself if you are interested: https://youtu.be/gsOnnLts-4U – Tucker: Biden can’t regulate his emotions. Being a leader at any strata of this existence isn’t an enviable position. So much responsibility and pressure! God is working in these people. I hope to continue to see God at work. I’m already seeing glimpses of it with the war in the Ukraine. What we focus the power of our thoughts on the most is what helps God manifest those thoughts into reality. That’s how it seems to me anyways! Prayers for leaders at all levels!

Message from A Woman’s Spirit for today:

By embracing the unfair, I no longer feel fear or reflection or lack of self-esteem. – Eileen Fehlen

It’s so human to quickly label an unwanted situation as unfair and to assume we know what’s best for us. We reason that if God would answer our prayers, our lives would unfold appropriately. It’s also terribly human to have to relearn repeatedly that God’s will and God’s timetable don’t always match our own; however , without fail they serve us well.

Learning to appreciate the good in everything that comes our way makes us courageous. In time few things will fill us with fear, and that is measurable progress. We were tormented by fear for so many years that we never expected this rebirth of spirit. Life is beginning to feel inviting, exciting and safe. Let’s step forth together.

I can be certain that God will give me only what is right for me today.

—————

Today I picked up a round piece of rose quartz I have and it was so comforting. There have been several times when I’ve been sick that I have held rose quartz and felt like it helped me heal. When my friend and I went to a rock and gem show I could tell by the crowds that I’m not the only one who feels like these stones help. I know for some it seems like woo woo and that’s ok! It could be a placebo effect somewhat but like with the rose quartz orb I’m holding as I write to you – it feels good in my hand. I think of those worry stones – remember those?

Rose quartz is known as a healing crystal and the stone of unconditional love.
…
It’s believed by some to emit strong vibrations of love, which are thought to:

support emotional and relationship healing.
inspire compassion.
boost feelings of peace and calm.

https://www.healthline.com › health

Rose Quartz Crystal: Meaning, Healing, and How to Use – Healthline

23 March 2022 Finding Comfort

March 23, 2022 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, books, drawing, Health, history, Home, human rights, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Music, Nature, photography, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 23 March 2022 Wednesday chat(AA Step 3) https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1434295003

I had to talk to God and myself this morning while feeling anxiety

Hello to you. How are you? Today began with one of those anxiety attacks I get once in awhile. I think it has to do with sleep apnea but I’m not sure. I just know I kind of freaked out. I had to pull out some tools from my sanity toolkit to get myself calmed down. I started with talking to God and went to the Bible to try and find comforting messages. I looked through so many chapters….the concordance for anxiety and comfort and just couldn’t find what I was looking for. It came to me to try the “Big Book” from Alcoholics Anonymous, specifically Step 3….made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. I ended up making my Twitch Stream today mostly about this step. When I initially entered into the program this step was hard. My sponsor reassured me that it didn’t have to be just the God of the Bible that I turned my will….surrendered to. It had to be a power that wasn’t me. It was me that got me into the mess I was in. Chances were that it wasn’t going to be my own will that was going to get me free. I just had to acknowledge I was powerless over alcohol (among other things of an addictive nature), admit I had a problem and then, most importantly, be WILLING to ask for help….accept help the way it came. What I realized using this program is if you get to the core of why addiction happens there are fewer what’s. A lot of people I met in AA were self medicating – they had a lot of “why’s” they were covering up with alcohol. They needed therapy and either couldn’t get it or would rather have the stigma of being an alcoholic than the stigma that comes with mental illness. When I look at my own life with help and by myself, there were so many why’s to my addictions. I kept trying to fill voids in my life with people, places and things. Many of those voids were of an intangible nature. You can’t put tangible things in the space where only the intangible dwells.

The messages from A Woman’s Spirit today had to do with friendship. The power we learn through the program is we can choose better friends. Here is a thought provoking part of the message:

“We may not have picked our friends carefully in our youth. Many of us felt pressured to hang out with a crowd that didn’t share our values. We frequently lived up to their expectations of us rather than our own. The internal conflict was painful, and we may still suffer from it.”

My choice of friends today reflects the health of my recovery.

________

It’s pretty easy to tell who are true friends are in life. They are the ones who are still there for you and comfort you as you clean up the mess you’ve made. I consider many members of my family also as dear friends! When we are young it feels like we don’t have a great power of choosing – so much is chosen for us!

Speaking of friendship! Last night Astravert did a wonderful collaboration with some fellow musicians on Twitch:

Check out astravert afishinabirdcage bagelrabbit COLLAB https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1433997448

10 March 2022 The Challenge of a Quiet Mind

March 10, 2022 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Home, human rights, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Nature, photography, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, technology, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 10 March 2022 Thursday chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1421288283

Hello to you. How is your where and when as you visit me here? Hard to believe it’s Thursday already. The week has gone by fast.

This gift rock from my dear friend “T” brightens each day

Todays message from A Woman’s Spirit has to do with quieting the mind and meditation. Both of these things have been a challenge for me! I have always had a monkey mind and or chatter brain. However, when I was living in Texas I used to lay on my back for hours just connecting with the passing clouds or sit on the band stand we had and connect with the trees, flowers and insects. I guess it was like meditating! I do better outside when it comes to trying to still my body and mind. Inside there are so many distractions!

This morning I did something that I need to do more often and that is get quiet inside and focus my thoughts. It’s really hard for me to “hold a thought.” In particular my sinuses were kind of blocked up so I focused my thoughts to my sinus and told them to open up and or to clear…..it worked! I was able to breathe freely again. I then proceeded to focus on different parts of my body that have been hurting and was able to get relief there too. Then before my feet hit the ground to get up I just asked God to be with me today….”Hey God would you hang out with me today?”

Anyhew lol what I’m talking about here is a challenge in the kind of world we live in. I really struggle myself with this! If we are in a relationship of some kind, have kids, pets, a job, hobbies….things that keep us busy and distracted all day long, it can be really difficult to find time to just stop not only our bodies but our busy minds. Stop long enough to connect with our inner selves and our Higher Power. Be still…..some of us in this world are choosing and in many cases out of survival are having to stay busy every waking minute. We have to rest our bodies and our minds —- make space and time for our spiritual selves to exist. Like I said on my stream today if you are having trouble with having quiet time inside – why? What is keeping you from it and what can you do about it? If it’s a lot of things and you are overwhelmed what is one thing you can do to get peace inside? I have to do this myself – not focus on all the stuff I can’t change but focus on what I can. Kind of like what The Serenity Prayer talks about:

The Serenity Prayer is a prayer written by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr. It is commonly quoted as: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Messages from A Woman’s Spirit today:

“Today I will stop brooding – and start meditation.” – Nancy T

“I can figure out my next best move today if I quiet my mind long enough to receive God’s message.”