28 March 2023 It Happened Again – Why?!

Hello to you. How are you? I am feeling a little overwhelmed by seeing yet another tragedy play out with the school shooting in Nashville Tennessee. No place seems to be sacred. I ask myself why God keeps allowing these to happen even in places of worship. People always retort the same answer, “free will.” If God knows everything, whatever is going to happen before it happens, how can there be free will? Why doesn’t God intervene somehow. The other answer I hear a lot is this is a fallen world we live in to which I ask why did Jesus die again? The answer is usually not everyone accepts Jesus as their savior and so they do things like what happened in Nashville and so many other places. I say access to guns, like this emotionally disturbed person had, makes it so easy for the disturbed and fallen to carry out these violent acts of free will. I ask God often why he allowed guns to be made at all! My life began with my mother ending her life with a gun. They always say if there wasn’t a gun they will find something else. At least the something else gives first responders more time. Time is what is lost with guns used by troubled people.

I like what the woman that asked the media if they are tired of covering school shooting stories. She asked a compelling question, “Why is this still happening” and said it’s just going to keep happening unless something is done. I read how easy it was for this troubled young woman to get her guns and hide them in her parents house.

America is sick with a gun culture. There are many responsible gun owners, I know several to include family and friends. I myself don’t own a gun nor should I with my history of mental health. I hate guns but for some it’s like collecting or buying something to support a hobby. A lot of people like to use guns to support their hunting hobby. Other people are buying guns out of self defense. The other day I saw a man open carrying a hand gun and I found myself feeling a bit unsettled. It would be so easy for somebody like that to turn such a weapon on people in the store. That’s what I thought when I saw it!

The argument that bugs me a lot is regarding good guys versus bad guys having guns. All it takes is one moment of passion to change a good guy to a bad guy. We are seeing it with cops a lot these days.

Something needs to be done from the federal level so that we get some consistency from place to place. Emotionally disturbed people should be a red flag at any place such a person could buy a gun. You shouldn’t be able to sell guns to the public without having the ability to run a background check. I think there needs to be an international database connected from mental health care providers and law enforcement that all places selling weapons would be required to check before selling someone a weapon. There is so much inconsistency in the process from one state to another – one store to another. So many troubled people fall through the cracks of our current systems. So many people with mental health issues are unable to get care and fly under accountabilities radar. I keep thinking of the sniper Chris Kyle who made the fatal decision of thinking taking a troubled vet with PTSD to a gun range was a good idea.

I have to wonder how much more bloodshed the American people are willing to accept? Idaho just signed into law that firing squads are ok to execute prisoners on death row! Seeing such actions make our country seem so barbaric. What I am concerned about is when innocent people are put up for execution.

So when all is said and done, with the system both divine and worldly as it is, I am praying for meaningful change not more empty rhetoric.

20 March 2023 Neurology Appt

Hello to you. How are you? I’m pretty much the same. This morning my Aunt and I went to a neurologist appt. He did tests to see my reflex response like tapping my knees and wrists and touching the bottom of my feet. He couldn’t find anything so wants to do an MRI and see if anything shows up to explain why I’m experiencing the swaying motion when I walk. He was familiar with Mal de barque syndrome but wasn’t aware of any connection between getting tased and brain and nerve damage. So we shall see what happens.

I was grateful to have my Aunt there with me. When I was married, I had my husband with me all the time. Now that I’m divorced I have to rely on family and they are so happy to help! I am truly grateful and blessed to have supportive family and friends.

A reflection:

Lately I’ve been noticing a lot of social media posts from people from my generation reflecting on what it’s been like growing up when we did. I was born in 1968 and it really is amazing how much we have advanced in some ways and regressed in others. With people living longer there is a mich mesh of generations co-existing at the same time. There is a lot of overlapping between generations. A lot of people seem to want things to go back to “normal” and as I see it what we are experiencing is our new normal. Everyone just wants to do and be what they want but there are forces pushing back against it. Specifically the LGBTQ+ agenda. As a woman who has struggled at times with being born a woman and accepting my lot in life I sometimes get jealous of women who have decided to go through with trans surgery. Specifically top surgery I hate having large breasts. A lot of these types of folks end up on Tik Tok and I am drawn to their pages and stories. One person I was drawn to, can’t remember there name but they laid it out that if you are identifying as trans it is a mental illness. You have to get an official diagnosis in order to go forth with trans surgery and hormone therapy. I had never heard someone say that before. I have found drag queens fascinating. My ex and I used to watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race. Most of the contestants were gay and some trans. You don’t just wake up one day and decide these things. Most seem to know early on that they are different. I was probably 5 or 6 years old when I remember telling my Grandma I was supposed to be a boy. I was one of two female grandchildren, the rest were boys. So it makes sense I would think that. I am glad to be a woman despite the drawbacks! When I was a teenager I was anorexic and bulemic and really thin and athletic but struggled with my weight. I had short hair and was often mistaken for a boy! Anyhew it’s interesting to see the generations getting older clashing in social media. Terms like identifying as binary and stuff I just don’t understand. To me, from my own experience, everybody just seems to be trying to belong…to find their tribe. I am trying to find mine again. I had one in Texas but it split apart. I am attending a Bible study with a nice group of women from church. As welcoming as they are I still don’t feel like I fit in. Is team Jesus my tribe? Just as I am?

Since my last psychotic break or episode it’s been really quiet for me spiritually, mentally and physically. As I’ve mentioned before I get real tired easily and that’s probably due to being overweight. There is more of me to lug around. The medications I’m on have brought about silence in the creativity department and my spirituality is quiet too. I’m having trouble finding my tribe – who or what do I belong when at times I don’t have the clarity to express a single thought? This post is the longest I’ve done in a while!

Generation X seems like I’m part of a broken generation. A generation of people that worked until they got broken so now our days are made up of medical appts and new diagnosis! I have seen and experienced so much brokenness. Everything from being born when Martin Luther King was killed to stuff like Columbine, Sandyhook, the Challenger explosion and 9/11. The technology boom in just a short time. I remember computer data being processed on punch cards! I’m 55 years old and sometimes I feel ancient when I reflect on all I’ve lived through. God must have some use for me yet!

I’ll close for now. Just reflecting and thinking about where I’m at and where I want to head this leg of my journey.

26 January 2023 Tik Tok

Hello to you, how are you? I hope well. I’m still recovering from falling- my back is still not happy with me! To pass the time lately I’ve discovered the phenomenon of Tik Tok. It’s amazing to see the range of people and what they are doing on there. There is a wide range of types of people on there to include people that would be considered disabled making a space for themselves. I’m thinking about exploring it more but not sure about the rules to going live etc.

It’s interesting to see the range of talent on the platform. It’s cool that there are more ways to get discovered and share yourself with the world. One of the things that is new to me is ASMR:

autonomous sensory meridian response

ASMR stands for autonomous sensory System of meridian response; a term used to describe a tingling, static-like, or goosebumps sensation in response to specific triggering audio or visual stimuli. These sensations are said to spread across the skull or down the back of the neck and, for some, down the spine or limbs.Apr 26, 2022

There are several people that have channels dedicated to this. They put stuff on to their microphone which makes certain noises. Sometimes it helps with sleep. You might be already familiar with all this – I’m just catching up !

My positive intentions and prayers go out to the world today. Whatever you are facing just know your not alone.

8 November 2022 Routines

Hello to you. How are you today? I’m up and at em but still having to figure out routines. Having a schedule of when to get up and when to go to bed and life in between. Link is a big part of all of that especially with his leg bothering him the way it is now.

I am kind of having a crisis of faith too. It was Jesus I cried out to when the police tazzed me with electricity the day I was picked up. There was no rescue just going to the hospital. Was that his reply to my plea? I really thought it was time for the end of the world that day. I will have to see what the days ahead hold for me.

https://youtube.com/shorts/cJMSE8a5cXs?feature=share – trying my hand at a YouTube short.

41 July 2022 Faces

These are some of my drawings. The glory, the “payment” goes to God.

30 July 2022 Betrayal and Forgiveness

https://youtu.be/ND-nldJc8kU – How Do We Forgive Our Fathers – Smoke Signals

28 July 2022 Obsessions – “Passion”

28 July 2022 A Personal Relationship

For a long time , most of my life, I have loved God. As I have matured and learned so much about matters of organic energy and matters of the spirit I have learned through personal experience how important it is to have s personal relationship. A relationship no one outside of myself can define. No book or written word. Sometimes just the sound of aspen leaves blowing in the wind. Always present. Recently I made a choice I had been straddling the fence about for many years. I decided to surrender my soul to Jesus Christ….not in the book but the one I have come to know through a personal relationship. In the sky, God and the Earth my mother…our shared mother and once they made a son. I don’t believe he left such is not the way of this system as I understand it. Too many words. Human beings trying to make sense of things as they had understanding at the time. Words of the time that have changed in ours. So many translations. So many individual perceptions. We are in the one circle. Sometimes mythology is our only comfort in times of great loss and confusion.

“Two halves of one whole.”

https://youtu.be/xFtgj2m_Mk4 – Control Mind in a box

26 July 2022 I’m not good or bad

https://youtu.be/GWZYoWxVMDk – The Chosen Sermon on the Mount

24 July 2022 Turn The Other Cheek

This morning I had an interesting dream. There was a woman I had a conflict with and she got so angry with me. We exchanged words and I thought that was it but then she started to slap my face faster than is even humanly possible. She was so angry! But I stood still and let her do it until finally she stopped. To me this was biblical. No matter what was going on, I stood my ground and didn’t retaliate against her. Something she did not expect me to do.

Matthew 5:38-40New International Version

Eye for Eye

38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’[a](A) 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.(B) 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.

When I was growing up my Mom used to get very angry with me. I don’t want to go into it out of respect for her. She used to get so mad at me she would “see red.” I had to, later, learn to empathize with why she may have done some things she did AND because of those things she made me a survivor. She had a lot that made her the way she was and that influenced who I was but at the end of the day I had a choice. I could choose to not forgive her and lose the only Mom God gave me or forgive and not waste any more time feeding darkness that comes of it.

Imagine waiting nearly a whole life time to hear your father tell you he loved you……as I recall it this was the case for her. On his deathbed!

God needed me to be tough to survive these times. No matter what I have endured, I wouldn’t change a thing……even my mother’s suicide. This world was too tough for her and she wanted to be with Jesus. She has been my mother in other ways with his help. I just had to make s conscious decision about my soul and surrender.

Today many will be choosing to experience fellowship about Jesus indoors. I will be going to a park. The energy inside of many enclosed spaces, when other people are there, is difficult for me. Bless all of you today.

Sometimes people smile but they are a black hole sun.