27 Oct 2018 Broken Pieces (put back together to make someone new)

broken pieces put back together to make someone new in Simple Gematria equals: 487

19/10/1 or 19 divided by 2 = 9.5 = 14 divided by 2 = 7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1

the tree of life in Simple Gematria equals: 134

8/4/2/1  (God = 26)

= 621/9 divided by 2 = 4.5 = 9 cycle Difficult = 90/9

I tried to avoid the news but wasn’t able to avoid reading about what happened at the Tree of Life synagogue in Pittsburgh.  The message from the 25th making a sense I don’t want it to make.  People shouldn’t have to worry about being shot in their place of fellowship and worship no matter what walk of faith.   We’ve now had Christians, Muslims and Jews all having to deal with this kind of violence.  The Second Amendment has made being a person of faith a difficult gamble in this country.  There is a severe imbalance at work here.   We keep putting band-aids on top of a mortal wound.

Every time this happens we decry the act.  Every time this happens we say, “This isn’t who we are” or “Our thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their families” and guess what….it happens again.  Unresolved wrongs, unresolved revenge and hatred, ancient battles that carries forward to a new generation over and over again.  The answer from our top office, “if they had only more guns or an armed guard may be no one would have been killed or died.”  They’ve tried armed guards and guess what, the guards ran and people died.  In my heart I don’t think just adding more guns to the fight is going to win it.  There is only a returning cycle to such things, no one ever truly “wins.”

This act of terrorism, not just merely a hate crime, is yet another example of why I’m reading about friends who are worried about having to leave this country because of what it’s becoming or what it has always been under the surface.

There is not much I can do to change someone’s mind, heart, thoughts or actions with such volatile matters.  I can do the things I do to include sending positive energy and love to all sides of these equations.  We are all, whether we like it or not, precious parts of a one.  We may be very dysfunctional, some even murderous but we are a family.  I will never stop believing it is possible for all of us to coexist without bloodshed in the headlines every day.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/gunman-kills-11-in-pittsburgh-synagogue-massacre-investigated-as-a-hate-crime/ar-BBOY7Lw?OCID=ansmsnnews11use this link to read entire article.

Gunman kills 11 in Pittsburgh synagogue massacre investigated as a hate crime

Deanna Paul, Avi Selk, Amy Wang, Mark Berman

A gunman killed 11 people at a Pittsburgh synagogue during Saturday-morning services in what the Anti-Defamation League called “likely the deadliest attack on the Jewish community in the history of the United States.”

Law enforcement officials said Robert Bowers — a 46-year-old man with a history of making virulently anti-Semitic statements online — was taken into custody after a gun battle with police and is expected to face federal hate crime charges.

“Justice in this case will be swift and it will be severe,” said Scott W. Brady, the U.S. Attorney for the Western District of Pennsylvania. Brady said Bowers could be charged sometime Saturday for what he called a “terrible and unspeakable act of hate.”

Authorities described a rampage at the Tree of Life synagogue, the city’s oldest Jewish congregation, that was stunning in its savagery.

“This is the most horrific crime scene I’ve seen in 22 years with the Federal Bureau of Investigation,” said Robert Allan Jones, Special Agent in Charge of the FBI’s Pittsburgh field office. “Members of the Tree of Life synagogue conducting a peaceful service in their place of worship were brutally murdered by a gunman targeting them simply because of their faith.”

gunman kills eleven in pittsburgh synagogue massacre investigated as a hate crime in Simple Gematria equals: 790

16/8/4/2/1  or 16/7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1


Home 2018

Gun violence  and crime incidents are collected/validated from 2,500 sources daily – incidents and their source data are found at the gunviolencearchive.org website.

1: Actual number of deaths and injuries
2: Number of INCIDENTS reported and verified

22,000 Annual Suicides not included on Daily Summary Ledger

Numbers on this table reflect a subset of all information
collected and will not add to 100% of incidents.

http://www.gunviolencearchive.org  http://www.facebook.com/gunviolencearchive

Data Validated: October 27, 2018


Interesting things here to look at in these words:

13/4/2/1 or 13 divided by 2 = 6.5 = 11 divided by 2 = 5.5 = 10 divided by 2 = 5 divided by 2 = 2.5 = 7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1
494 + 373 = 867
21/3 cycle or 21 divided by 2 = 10.5 = 15 divided by 2 = 7.5 = 12/6/3 cycle
The account that appeared to belong to Bowers was rife with bigoted messaging. His biography on the site read “jews are the children of satan” and his background photo was a radar gun reading “1488,” a popular white supremacist symbol.
21/3 cycle or 21 divided by 2 = 10.5 = 15 divided by 2 = 7.5 = 12/6/3 cycle
Some of what we use to divide us and is often used as justification for much of the above:
religion in Simple Gematria equals: 89
17/8/4/2/1 or 17 divided by 2 = 8.5 = 13 divided by 2 = 6.5 = 11 divided by 2 = 5.5 = 10 divided by 2 = 5 divided by 2 = 2.5 = 7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1  (494)
politics in Simple Gematria equals: 103
the media in Simple Gematria equals: 65
11 divided by 2 = 5.5 = 10 divided by 2 = 5 divided by 2 = 2.5 = 7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1
= 257 (77 – same #value as Christ)
14/7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1 or 14/5 divided by 2 = 2.5 = 7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1
(there are many other labels we use to separate ourselves from each other that I didn’t include here.  They are just as volatile in nature as these and it makes me so sad.) 

18 Feb 2018 Who are we now?

Hello to you.  It’s 11:45 am on this cool, gray Sunday.  I just wanted to share a positive word.  I feel like I am discovering a way to be useful in this world, and it’s not an easy process but a process just the same – seeking and finding the positive things in people, places and things.   I used to be really good at this – when I was a child of course.  Well thankfully, inside, I still feel my inner child very much alive!  The part of me that our Sam taught me to hold on to – there are no strangers in this world, just family you haven’t met yet.  Not just friends, FAMILY.  Why do I say that?  With my understanding of God as energy.   If everything is energy and everything is God then that makes us all – every single form of life know and unknown – family!

Anyhew.   In my meditation this morning, the message that came forth was about how the past can hang and or trip us up to getting to where we want to go.  I have shared this before here but I will share it again:  “It’s not who we were in the past, it’s who we are now.”  The God of my understanding doesn’t care about the past because Time is our device.  The God of my understanding doesn’t care about what mistakes we’ve made in the past only if we don’t learn from them and intentionally keep repeating them.  If we don’t even try to make amends to those we’ve wronged to include ourselves.

As I sat outside doing this drawing and meditation a thought occurred to me for places we could start making amends – prisons of all kinds, nursing homes, mental health facilities, rehabilitation centers and our churches.  All the places for humans, animals and plants that could be considered cages.  Unconditional love and forgiveness has not been taught or learned by many.  What if we were to work together starting in a place we all share….the heart?  Just a thought…an idea with a positive intention and or motive.


21 Oct 2015 – Yelling at God

Hello, sorry I didn’t post yesterday….did yah miss me?  Well I missed you but I just wasn’t feeling good again.  Not sure if it’s allergies and a cold or just allergies but hope is on the way! Rain is supposed to be coming and I’ll know after that which one is going on….need some air scrubbing around here!

The other thing that happened is I had it out with whatever or whomever is listening…I guess I was pent-up.  Have you ever thought about your life and what you’ve witnessed people you love go through….the world go through….and wonder how the hell can there be a God in all this?  For me personally it was why the hell did a loving God allow me to go through what I did last month AGAIN?!  How could this loving God, Universe, Life Force, “One”, Angels, Spirit Guides….all the names we’ve come up with to comfort ourselves in our mortality again shred away any semblance of credibility I felt I had restored in myself and others around me?  What was it all for?  Are we really just worm food in the end?  Is there even a God ir any kind of “after this?!”  Is it all just bullshit we’ve been lead to believe so we don’t spend our lives dreading death?

Was the whole thing I went through recently just to validate to myself and everyone who knows me, “Yeah the girls bat shit crazy, knew it!”  How could this same force allow the people in power who have done bad shit to those less fortunate in the world for all these centuries continue to do so?  No consequences, no judgement, no impediment to their activities…every time the little people have tried to rise up getting their getting crumpled under tanks on international television, sent to senseless war fronts, deceived, manipulated, appeased into compliance, plied with expensive and addictive distractions, sent to prison, herded to furnaces, assassinated.  How could this same force allow plane loads of people to die, allow good people to get sick and die with such horrible illnesses, get swept away in floods and tornadoes…buried in landslides….killed in car accidents…on and on.  What are we supposed to be “learning” from all this horror?  We don’t seem to have “learned” whatever it is yet so how can this force think we are ever going to learn?  Ever going to change?  Ever going to “win” and actually evolve as a species?!

Yeah I was yelling, screaming and crying at this force in my kitchen yesterday…..”I’m pissed at you, I hate you, I don’t believe you exist, how can you allow this, you hate me, you hate us, how could you love me and allow what happened to happen again….I’m hurting….you need me, you need us to FORGIVE YOU not the other way around!

When I had “my thing” in August and early September there was something I did that is starting to make sense to me.

Prior to everything “exploding” I had decided I had lost personal attachment to all the replicas of iconic buildings from Europe and America that I had collected when I was in the military.  I had put them all in a box with a suspense date of a year.  If I didn’t open the box I was going to get rid of them.  Well when the “thing” started to happen I opened the box and started arranging these buildings and statues along with other “symbols” of the world according to “houses” if that makes sense.  The dragons represented the dark forces (even though I don’t really think dragons are evil), my statues of angels, Mary, fairies etc were a house and so on.  After I had all these symbolic things in the house “sorted” like the sorting hat in Harry Potter, I spent days going through centuries of time making personal amends to every single one of these symbols and expressed anger at the “houses” that had caused so much pain in the world.  I took my Jackie Onassis doll from the Franklin Mint I had bought years ago and made amends to her….identified with her….felt like I was a “Jackie doll” too.  Jackie was just one of the “families” through time I made personal “amends to.”  I even went through the house and made amends to every one of our appliances….reading numbers on the stoves clock like it was language.  I had warranties from products we’ve bought and I sorted them according to the “good and the bad” and this same process applied to every bit of food, beauty, cleaning product etc. in our house.  It just didn’t seem to end…exhaustingly thorough!  Just when I thought I was finished…there was something else I’d left out.

I “apologized” to my stuffed animals who to me were symbolic of every living creature wronged by us on this earth.  I took the clothes off of the bears and almost threw them away…animals should not be wearing clothes.  They should be allowed to be animals.  My mind-set in those moments was putting clothes on animals was our way of trying to humanize them so we wouldn’t kill, torture or maim them all.  If an animal is perceived as more human than animal….well it seems there is more mercy and compassion on our part…to hell with the rest.  Like the predators and what we’ve done to them….wolves, bears, lions, tigers, coyotes, foxes….if they aren’t cute and cuddly and compliant to our wishes…they die.

The whole thing culminated with the POW flag I’d bought last year.  I looked at that flag and just cried and screamed my lungs out at the forces behind making such a flag have to exist at all!

Yeah it was fucking bizarre but I wonder if it was really all that crazy after what happened yesterday.  Was what happened like me being a camera, a tool of judgement and a witness?  A conduit to express the rage of all living things on this planet to and for God?  Both sides of the coin at once?  Purging a life time of personal and global rage and resentment AND a guilty party to those responsible for so much horror?

Last night before bed I whispered to the “air” “I’m still mad at you!”

This morning in reflection I wonder who I’m really mad at!

The reason I’m sharing this is because I know there are so many people in this world who have probably thought these same thoughts….felt these same feelings.  Have stood still for a moment with tears in their eyes asking, “Why God why?!”  The horrible truth I’ve come to this morning is this.  We are God and God is us.  A lot of this “horror” we’ve brought on ourselves with our part of being God.  Whether consciously and or unconsciously we’ve created this existence with our individual thoughts, actions and deeds.  These individual forces of thought and action energy all bleeding into and overlapping each other into our shared reality.  Every thought, action and deed of one person being an energetic call to manifestation.  Is this may be why the push to have us all believe in “One” thing and “Do” the same things?  Did somebody or somebody’s realize what I’m talking about and gradually conspire with others to try and save the world from chaos with this methodology?

It’s a complex, off-putting train of thought isn’t it?  The mere thought that because we thought we wanted the eradication of a pest of whatever kind….gradually this thought manifested into action and our simple errant “wish” was granted?  In some cases there being enough “thinking” of an opponent course so our wish wasn’t completely but only in part granted?

Who am I really mad at now?  Who should I be mad at?  Where does the forgiveness and forgiving need to come from?!  Am I mad at “God” or am I mad at us….mad at me?!  If you are in a state of this being does this make sense to you?  If you reflect on your thoughts and actions through your life,  is God the only one responsible for creating or not preventing your miseries?

Definitely something to think about.

On a lighter note.  Thank goodness right?!  My mother-in-law Beth recommended a new CW show to me yesterday called My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend so we decided to watch the first episode on Hulu Plus last night.  What I can say is my first thought during the opening scene was this:


I also got the goofy grin, through most of it, I got when Beth introduced me to Glee!  I didn’t know whether to like it or not but I couldn’t help smiling and laughing.  Kyle wasn’t completely sold but he didn’t want me to watch the second episode available without him lol!  There was singing and it was really good singing.  Normally I get irritated with singing in shows, even though as a little girl I used to LOVE musical anything, but no with this show.

This morning this silly video was posted on the Benedict Cumberbatch fan page and just seeing Tom Hiddleston again…cheered me right up. Like I said in my Crimson Peak review…his charisma precedes him in just about anything I’ve seen him in.  This was no different!


I close with an I love you, thank you for visiting and I hope what I’ve shared today will provoke some introspection for you.  If you’ve been through a trial or are currently facing one of any kind….who are you really mad at?  Who is really responsible?





19 Oct 2015 The Last Blue Bowl a visit from a lost friend

Today I have a story to share with you, an example of the kind of things that have happened to me during the course of my life when it comes to loved ones I’ve lost. I warn you this isn’t one of my typical fluffy posts as of late.  I hope you will read this whole post….help me honor a friend and neighbor we lost one year ago today.

I haven’t been feeling well for about a week now and last night I was really sweating and my body felt like it “was fighting something.” Worse than the days before – especially coughing and difficulty getting full breathes.  So after I had Kyle fed and off to work I decided to go back to bed and try to put my preaching about “physician heal thyself” to work.  The visual given to me was to imagine a spinning ball of light starting in my chest…light and warmth emanating from it.  I felt this.  Then I was to visualize it moving to all the areas affected by my sickness and I could feel this spiral of light move through my entire respiratory system.  Then the phrase that came to me was “By the Love of Michael I am healed” and so I repeated that over and over until I dozed off.

When I woke up again I realized it was time to get up and take care of the animals. Sometimes living in our house can feel like it might feel to live on a farm! Early to rise, food to dish out, water to freshen, litter boxes to clean….that sort of thing.  Animals, even more so than us, live their lives by routines.

Well I had put the tuna for the dogs in the last two glass blue Pyrex bowls we had when our Cocker Spaniel Sammy was here. I was going to take them into the bedroom where the dogs were and suddenly at 7:35 a.m. I dropped one….it exploded all over the tile! Damn it!  Then there was a quick electrical power outage!  Then the question hit me…what was today?

what remained of the blue bowl this morning

what remained of the blue bowl this morning

The last blue bowl, ghost card and program for Michelle's memorial

The last blue bowl, ghost card and program for Michelle’s memorial

I wondered if it was the day we lost our neighbor and friend Michelle as I remembered her husband Carroll mentioning it was the 1 year anniversary this week. I went to the book where I keep loved ones obituaries and looked at the program from her Memorial….sure enough it was today.  A year ago today, around 3 or so p.m. in the afternoon Michelle left us.

The reason this is significant is because last year prior to her death, when she was in Hospice, something just like this happened!

We had bought a pair of blue cookware bowls from her and Carroll at their garage sale and one day before she died I was going to use it. I had it in my hands and it exploded!  Glass went everywhere.  Then the microwave just stopped working.  Cobalt blue was a color she and I liked.  She had bought me a large blue glass vase the year she died too!

the blue cookware - I kept the bowl from the twin one that broke and the last blue bowl we have

the blue cookware – I kept the bowl from the twin one that broke and the last blue bowl we have

After I cleaned up the mess so the dogs wouldn’t step in it, I felt that I was supposed to call Carroll and tell him what happened. I felt like Michelle had been here and to make sure I knew, the blue bowl incident happened with the electrical issue.  We cried and talked for just a few minutes…3:33…..approximately the time I found out she had left us.

For those of us that knew and loved Michelle, her real first name was Suzan but we called her Michelle, she was such a fragile soul.   The very first day we met was shortly after we moved here in 2009.  I think I was going to check our mail and she came out to her mailbox and we started to talk.  Turns out Michelle and I had something in common….she had been diagnosed Bipolar too.

In the years since that meeting, we talked together many times and often she and I talked about the pain of her past and present life. I won’t go into it but from the very start it seemed like she didn’t have a very fair chance for happiness.  Happiness and inner peace was one of those elusive things for both of us but unlike her, I had discovered and developed tools to cope with my “labels.”  Kyle knew when he married me what he was getting into and was nothing but supportive, patient and loving with me.  Michelle didn’t really have the same kind of support because it was just hard for Carroll to get around his frustration with her behaviors, mood swings, sometimes odd behavior which included issues with her medications.  At one point she had taken so much of I think it was OxyContin that she could have died she had taken so much of it.  She was addicted and after that Carroll had to put all her medications in a safe.

Over the years it got increasingly harder for me to be with her. I would try and try to help her deal with her issues and share with her ideas and tools to try and “heal” herself but what I said would only stick for a short time and then she’d revert right back to her old ways…what she was used to which included fear, anxiety, helplessness and hopelessness.  To me she was a lot like a little child trapped in a woman’s body and this never changed even to the end.  She was a broken china doll no amount of effort of any of those in her life exerted could put her back together again.

About a year before everything that happened leading up to her death I had told her and Carroll I couldn’t be around her like before. She was just too sick and toxic for me and I just couldn’t keep trying to help her without compromising my own well-being.   Many times after we were together I’d feel so tired, sick and sometimes just angry.  She’d want to come over and I just didn’t want her to.   She’d come over with boxes of random things she wanted to give away and this frustrated me (and her husband Carroll) because a lot of it was not stuff I could use or wanted….junk a lot of times.

When we stopped seeing each other she started reaching out to other neighbors doing the same things. I’d see her from my living room window walking to other neighbors houses with boxes of things.  Other neighbors told me she started texting them at all hours of the night.  They too pushed her away.  None of knew what was going on with her and felt like we could help her even though she was reaching out to us.  We just didn’t understand how sick she was.  I had been one of her only true friends and when she didn’t have me to turn to, she started grasping.

What was going on with her we all perceived as severe mental illness but when everything started to spiral, we found out she might not have been mentally ill at all! Typical of the medical profession these days, they had focused on the right part of the body but in the wrong way!

It was in May of last year that she had her first major medical emergency. She had not been able to go to the bathroom for weeks and no matter what Carroll did to try and help her she just wasn’t able or completely willing to cooperate.  She ended up in the hospital and they found she had an obstruction.  In the course of trying to deal with just the obstruction, the lesion that had been on her brain, that NO ONE caught even after all the times she’d been in the hospital, burst and she had bleeding on her brain.   Then came the first stroke and then another.  Anyone who has had a stroke or knows someone who has had one knows more than one can be lethal.

After her second stroke in August, she was home for a short time and this is a snippet of time I will always cherish with her. Kyle had gone over to help Carroll with his computer and while he was over there I decided to bake chocolate chip cookies.  Well after they were done, I decided it might be nice to take some over to Carroll and Michelle.  It turns out Michelle had been telling Carroll that day how much she needed to see me!

When I went over she was in her fluffy bathrobe and her head was wrapped in towel. She was reclined in the big comfy chair they had.  She was relieved I had come over without her having to ask.

She allowed me to do some Quantum Touch with her and we talked about so many things that had been on her mind. I don’t remember much of what we talked about but one of the things was the problem she had with racing thoughts and worrying.  I told her to help with this that when she was starting to have this problem she should think of a positive thing to change her focus.  It was a way to distract her from continuing to think about upsetting things.  Kind of like a train racing on the tracks and pulling the cord to stop it and send it in a different direction.  Carroll later told me this was the one thing, of all the things I had tried to tell her through the years that actually helped her!

A few days later the last and happiest memory I have of her was seeing her sitting on their front porch area with Carroll’s mother and her two granddaughters Kaylie and Summer. The girls were having a spa day!  Michelle had those things they use to separate your toes when you get your toe nails painted and she just looked so happy….so at peace.  The stroke had made one side of her face droop and she told me how much this upset her.  She was such a pretty lady – beautiful blue eyes, light red hair, pretty skin and a lovely smile.  To have something like this happen was hard for her.

Then the third stroke came and she lost use of her arm and she was in a couple different hospitals for a time the first one, the one she had gone to many times was Huguley in Burleson…the same one I was admitted to just recently. We all feel they are partially responsible for what went wrong initially and so Carroll moved her to another.  I wasn’t able to muster the courage to visit her at either hospital but I did write her letters.

They did everything they could but after a point threw up their hands and she transitioned to a wonderful hospice their daughter-in-law worked at called Mission Hospice in Burleson.

When she arrived and for a about a week she was cognizant and responsive to visitors but she was in so much pain and she had a fever. After a time she was no longer able to open her eyes and eventually became unresponsive, struggling for each breath and her organs began to shut down.  I can remember one day being alone with her for a few moments and sitting next to her and I just sang a little song for her….she loved music.  This was around the time I had learned about the importance of music and people with Alzheimer’s, dementia and paralysis. Her son Logan played a song from their favorite movie Ghost before she was silent; “Time of My Life” and they were able to sing it together one last time.

I was in a state of denial those last weeks. I would sit in my back yard and just sob about her..plead and pray for her to be healed.  She was so innocent and young!  Only 54 years old!  How could God be so unfair, so cruel to allow this child to die like this…to end her life of so many trials like this?!

I was just certain she was going to come back to us. She was going to be like Lazarus of the Bible and rise again! I would do Quantum Touch on her and just wanted so much for it to bring her back.  The truth we all wanted to deny was she was ready to leave and as we’d come to find out when Carroll found her will she’d written the year before, she had already known she was leaving. Her daughter-in-law Kristy seldom left her side nor did the rest of her close family….Summer and Kaylie even spent a lot of time with her….so brave.

My Aunt Ruth and cousin Tony were going to be attending Tony’s son Mitchell’s graduation from Basic Training just before Michelle died. We had planned to meet them there but with how much and how fast Michelle was fading I just felt we couldn’t leave.  It broke my heart not to see my Aunt…was I ever going to see her again?!  It had been so long since the last time! My grief over this missed opportunity was amplified by the duality of these same fears with Michelle.   Turns out they were founded and the Sunday we would have been gone we found out Michelle took her last breath surrounded by her loved ones.

The Memorial for Michelle was held at the same church the main Missions Hospice case worker Nancy (BEAUTIFUL LADY!) attended, Seventh Day Adventist Church of Burleson.  Many neighbors attended in addition to her and Carroll’s family.  It was a beautiful, loving way to celebrate her life and mourn her loss.  At the end of the service, each of us made a colored fingerprint on a poster made in Michelle’s honor and chose a balloon in which we attached a personal message of our special memories of her.  Kyle’s was of the day he went over and played poker with her, Carroll and their sons and kicked all their butts lol.  Mine was much more sentimental.  Then we let all 54 balloons go off into the clouds.   Kyle and I watched them until we couldn’t see them anymore.

Michelle had been an organ donor and because of her, two separate people had their vision restored! Two of the best parts of her were able to live on in others.  She had her body donated to science in the hopes that may be they would be able to figure out why her life had been what it was.  She was always willing to give everything she had away to help others and in the end she continued to do that.

This is the poem they chose for her Memorial Program:

God’s Garden

God looked around his garden

And found an empty place.

He then looked down upon the earth,

And saw your tired face.

He put his arms around you

And lifted you to rest.

God’s garden must be beautiful,

He always takes the best.

He knew that you were suffering,

He knew that you were in pain.

He knew that you would never

Get well on earth again.

He saw the road was getting rough

And the hills were hard to climb.

So He closed your weary eyelids

And whispered “Peace be thine.”

It broke our hearts to lose you

But you did not go alone….

For part of us went with you

The day God called you home.

Author unknown

As we know, there are 5-7 stages of grief (specific list at end of post. After denial and guilt, Carroll, Kyle, other people who loved her were so angry about all that happened!  Huguley should be sued for their negligence!  So many healthcare so called “professionals” especially in the Mental Health community who mostly plied her with drugs, should be held accountable for what their negligence did to this poor woman.  The anger subsided over time and we straddled stages 4, 5 and 6 with 7….Acceptance and Hope.  In this stage were left with the harsh truth that her dying was a mercy for her and those she left behind.  We don’t think she would have been able to recover from losing mobility from the strokes and Carroll with his own medical issues, would have had a very hard time taking care of her the way he would need to.  The other part was with everything I had seen her go through mentally, physically and spiritually during the time I knew her….this extreme liberation was the only way for her to be at peace.

So today we come full circle…shards of blue glass in the garbage can and the power flickering on and off. The little ghost card from my Aunt Ruth, the same one I put in the window a year ago to honor Michelle is back in the window. I hadn’t been sure what to write about to today and Michelle remedied that!

Thank you for those of you who manage to read this whole blog. I know sometimes when I see blog posts over 700 words I don’t always want to read all of them.  May be this one will be different because it will resonate with you somehow….help heal a fresh or old wound created by such a story I’ve shared with you about Michelle.

I believe our loved ones never truly leave us….they just walk through a door to a new adventure….a new beginning. Sometimes they come back for a visit to remind us they aren’t completely gone and as is the case with Michelle, they let us know in extremely obvious ways!

Thank you Suzan….always Michelle to me….for everything you were, all the lessons you taught me with your friendship and sharing one of your last waking moments forgiving me for abandoning you….telling me you loved me too.

Much love and hugs through the wires to all of you visiting here today.



“The 7 Stages of Grief”

Here is the grief model we call the 7 Stages of Grief:


You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.


As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.


You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.


Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.


You may rail against fate, questioning “Why me?” You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair (“I will never drink again if you just bring him back”)


Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

More 7 stages of grief…


As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” begins to lift slightly.


As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.


During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

You have made it through the 7 stages of grief.


4 March 2015 Intergenerational and Historical Trauma and Forgiveness

Yesterday I learned a new term I hadn’t heard before from watching this video, The Wellbriety Journey to Forgiveness posted by Don Coyhis on You Tube: http://youtu.be/vZwF9NnQbWM?list=PL_rYpWbrL6o4jGlLlnEAmBH9zpUhcwg26

The word is “intergenerational trauma, historical trauma.”

Excerpt from this publication from Whitebison.org: http://www.whitebison.org/magazine/2005/volume6/wellbriety!vol6no6.pdf

“As a result of all this we have historical trauma, which we define as cumulative emotional and psychological wounding across generations, including one’s own lifespan, because everything up to a minute ago is history.”

This morning I was contemplating on this word and started writing.  I apologize if I seem soap boxy or long winded but may be something here will resonate and make it worth your time.

Why does it seem like some people want to destroy the world? Why does it seem like these same people when given every opportunity to stop it do everything they can to escalate it or make it worse?

The answers seem only to be more questions because I don’t believe they even know why.

The reasons are layered so deeply in their DNA, in their blood memory.  I don’t think they even realize on a conscious level what they are doing.  They are merely consciousness in a pre-designed, pre-fabricated shell not of their own making.

Everything the people I speak of were born to be is decided before they are born.  The decision isn’t by God, but by those in expectation of their arrival.  The pre-fab humans already here.

Generation after generation is a predestined path paved in one way;  already well-worn and certain.

This predetermined path was paved for the First People, our Native Americans, African Americans, Asian Americans and in recent times Latin Americans.  The group of peoples omitted from the list and at the center of much of the what, where and why of our current world….us….White Americans.  Not all of us White People are totally at fault and are trying to change ourselves but most of us aren’t “running things” either.  In one way or another, every human being to have ever walked this earth has in some way been a victim of intergenerational/historical trauma.  Some of us are choosing change and trying to repair the damage of our ancestors, but sadly many of those in positions of power are not…are knowingly choosing not to.

For both perpetrators and victims of intergenerational trauma, a path is created for all who come after them.

This is what I see through of all American, World and well….human history.

As humans we want to blame someone else for what is happening, no one, except newborns and very young children are innocent.

Even as we’ve advanced as a species and learned better ways, we continue to choose ignorance. We choose violence/revenge to answer hurt, greed to answer hunger, power to answer real or perceived weakness.  We know better.  We could change everything for the better but we continue to make easy choices to solve complicated problems like a dog trying to catch its tail we go round and round.  We make the same choices to solve the same problems expecting new results.  We try to profit from providing solutions to problems we created.

Free is not valued.  Free is something those who rely on problems to generate profits fear.  There is no profit in free, there is no profit in freedom.

We say we believe Gods and some Goddesses.  We proclaim to revere, honor, respect and follow their teachings written and spoken but our actions defy all of them.  We are hypocrites!  Humans are some of the best cherry pickers in the world as we skim through sacred texts for answers to justify murder and genocide.  The original intention of all the religious literature across the globe carried out with distorted interpretations and perception.

We have lost faith in ourselves and in the source of our very existence, the earth.  Because of the choices of our ancestors and now us, we do not learn to love, honor and respect ourselves or anyone or anything else.  We do not learn to love, honor and respect ourselves; trust our inner and living wisdom and in turn teach this to our children.  The path of intergenerational trauma paved a little further each moment we live.  This truth is a truth for all human kind of today.  There are those who are awake to this truth and seek transformation and share their journey to help others.

There are those who view enlightenment and matters like these as moments not tangibly profitable or essential to their motives.  Those who seek money, resources and power vs matters of the spirit seem to be the ones who run our world.  Our world is what it is from their seeking and our being accomplices.

We say this world cannot change; these people cannot change.  It’s too far gone.  It’s too hard.  It’s too expensive.  If we do change things it will mean the end of our way of life; will cause us shame because so much of what we’ve learned and have done hasn’t been for our best good.  Instead of changing our course today, we keep doing what we’ve always done and hope we’ll die before we are discovered and held in account for our actions.

What I see, have lived and what I now say has been all these things many times before.  There have been SO MANY MESSENGERS!  We’ve written their messages and lives down, done audio recordings, made videos, documentaries and movies and yet here we are.

It’s time to see, live, say.  It’s time to listen, learn, act and change.  It’s time for the blood, sweat, tears and efforts of all those messengers who’ve tried to heal our shared intergenerational traumas to become manifest now.  We need to get “realz!”

We’ve had many chances, attempts and actual successes to forge a new path all of us can walk down peacefully together.  It seems at an escalating pace with the help of our instant media technologies, the powers that be want to pave a path where we shoot, rape, rob, stab, yell, lie, gossip, hate, bomb each other instead.  A road of blood littered with our bodies, not theirs.  This isn’t a new tactic; hence the trauma!

These powerbrokers stand at the edge of this bloody road handing us more ammunition along the way.  The gun advocates give us more guns to “defend” ourselves.  I hear far more about guns being used to resolve personal differences than in self-defense.  You can survive most knife wounds and can take bad unkind words….you can’t take back a bullet.  I don’t believe any of the guns pushed on to us in the guise of self-defense will matter when we are faced with their weapons like tanks and bombs.

The war complex builds more bombs and sends more of our young to fight wars and foreign people they trained to hate and kill us…terrorism is by their design for the spoils of war.

Sadly, those in charge of the war machine, food/agriculture, medicine, manufacturing, retail, mainstream media and entertainment, government and all other money generating systems are mere puppets on strings to the puppet masters.  The puppets do the dirty work so their masters can remain behind the curtain.

The question I usually ask when I watch Superhero movies with characters like Superman and Lex Luther or Batman and the Joker or any super-hero vs nemesis set on world dominance and destruction is if you fuck everything up and everyone is sick, dying or dead …what’s the point?!  Don’t these people read history?  We’ve been hearing a lot about Hitler these days.  His story wasn’t a real positive one!  The genocide of 8 million+  Jews accomplished what?!  World War II and in the end…


“Hitler and his wife then went back into their private quarters while Bormann and Goebbels remained quietly nearby. Several moments later a gunshot was heard. After waiting a few moments, at 3:30 p.m., Bormann and Goebbels entered and found the body of Hitler sprawled on the sofa, dripping with blood from a gunshot to his right temple. Eva Braun had died from swallowing poison.

As Soviet shells exploded nearby, the bodies were carried up to the Chancellery garden, doused with gasoline and burned while Bormann and Goebbels stood by and gave a final Nazi salute. Over the next three hours the bodies were repeatedly doused with gasoline. The charred remains were then swept into a canvas, placed into a shell crater and buried. “

The puppet masters are themselves just puppets to their chosen stage manager, their God.  They, like we bow, kiss, shake, blow drugs up our nose with its inky flesh.

They will tell us what we want to hear and it honors their God.  They tell us they share our chosen walks of faith, beliefs, and our values but because we’ve followed their God for so long, we don’t even know for ourselves or have forgotten what our own faith, beliefs and values are.  Every time we vote for them, buy from them, watch them pitch rhetoric we become living sacrifices to their God.  Our personal energy feeds it and gives it life.

We are distracted with the gadgets, addictive substances and activities they’ve put in our way.  All of this honors their God while they continue to worship in private board rooms.

Their God gives them control over our food, water, clothing, shelter, education, healthcare, transportation, religion and education systems.

Their God gives them control over how well and how long we live….if we are born….how slowly or quickly we die.

Their God gives them control over our children and our future.  A future most of them won’t live long enough to reap what they’ve sown.

Fortunately I am seeing, and so are most others who are awake, the time of their God’s power comes to a close.

History shows us what happens to civilizations built such as ours has been.  As with all tangible Gods that build empires on the backs and blood of suffering peoples the life-span is mercifully short (even if it doesn’t seem very short to those who spend a life-time suffering!).

The empire built of their Gods fragile flesh will not withstand climate change…not the “weather” like the idiots keep describing climate change as.  The weather is today, climate change is over time!  A society such as this cannot stand up to climate changes flames, earthquakes, floods, sink-holes and air, water and soil pollution.

Mother always wins no matter what war waged against her….sometimes I wonder if the very word Mother and nature is why they insist on hurting her like they do.  Mother issues?  Father issues? Are these poor souls just a very public example of intergenerational trauma extreme?! Instead of running the world they should be in a therapist office like most of the rest of us are!   If they could just forgive their parents or whomever wronged them would they change?  As the First People, myself and so many others are learning on our quest to healing and inner peace, there is only one cure….forgiveness.

There is no worldly comfort for what ails them…us.  It is only when we at last seek and give forgiveness to all we  have harmed and all who have harmed us will we survive all of this.

Each day for me is an exercise in the act of forgiveness.  I will never stop trying to forgive as the brave First Americans seek to do now.  Forgiveness = lasting healing and peace within and peace in the world.

Again…not saying ANYTHING new.  Just my interpretation in this modern world.

If we do not seek to forgive and be forgiven we only pave the path of world destruction still further.