Tag: anxiety

2 Dec 2025 Pushing On

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, history, Home, human rights, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello there, how are you as you visit me here? Today was long and kind of lonely but we have pushed through it. To be honest I have been missing having someone to come home to me. Link has me to look forward to coming home. I think of him as home as he rises up on his back legs and frantically taps at the front door waiting for me to come in. I miss my ex everyday but I know that ship has sailed. We were communicating a little bit but if I don’t initiate the communication there is nothing from him. He has moved on and I always hope he’s happier now.

The rest of this post is me reflecting on where I’ve been and where I hope to go:

I miss having a husband but don’t like what you have to go through to get one these days. I tried Tinder and that was a cluster you know what. I ended up with someone who wasn’t good for me and wanted more from me than I could give at the time. I just wasn’t attracted to him and that made him nuts. My taste is what I had in my ex and I totally blew it with my manic episodes! He just got fed up with the person I became when I was in untreated mania.

I always said that if I couldn’t make it work with Kyle I wasn’t going to make it with anyone. He wasn’t a perfect husband but pretty darn wonderful and I blew it. Some say he shouldn’t have divorced me but they don’t understand the spiral that happens with mania. When we were first together he knew I had mental health issues but I was being treated and was on meds that kept the mania at bay. When mania happened the last couple of times I was really doing things that hurt and or upset him. We were breaking things. He got physical with me a couple of times out of extreme frustration and it was after that he went to stay with his parents. When he could see I wasn’t going to get the help I needed he decided a divorce was the only answer. I didn’t take that decision very well! I felt so lost and alone. My everyday was like living in a haunted house. Memories of Kyle were everywhere I went from the house to the neighborhood. I wasn’t plugged in to Jesus yet but thankfully had people who were to talk to. I thank God for my Idaho family who were there for me – praying for me. They are the reason I am where I am today! Jesus used each of them to help me escape the nightmare I was in.

It took me awhile, even after I was out of Texas, to fully recover from the nightmare I was living. My Aunt Ruth and Uncle John handled me with tender care the 6 months I lived with them. I didn’t want to shower with the door shut. I didn’t want to eat meals at the table. I didn’t want to watch television. I walked constantly to combat my anxiety. I had nightmares. I saw versions of Kyle everywhere I went. Everything was a trigger to my thinking of Kyle. We had been married 12 years and I was married 16 years in my first marriage. I had grief and remorse over my first marriage too! Kyle and I committed adultery and I really felt bad about that as did Kyle. I just unraveled after he left me and felt this pulling sensation in the back of my body all the time. It was like the enemy had a hold on me and didn’t want to let go.

It’s been over 5 years now that I’ve been here in Idaho. I am much better than I was. It’s been about 2 years since I decided to accept Jesus as my savior. I finally made the choice that God had been patiently waiting for me to make. With this choice and my saying yes some doors have opened. I have gotten more involved with my church and that has made me some friends. I even got baptized which I didn’t think I would do. Now if he would only heal me from what’s going on in my head and lower back I could be of more use – a better vessel for the Holy Spirit. These conditions have prevented me from volunteering as much as I could be.

The other thing missing is a companion to share the rest of my life with. I have kind of resigned myself to my ending up being alone the rest of my life but I don’t know Gods plans for me about this. If I do fall in love again I want him to share in my love of Jesus and of course Link must approve of whoever he ends up being!

Thank you for reading!

Dear Jesus I pray for this world as fallen as it is that more of the lost will find their way to you. I pray for the poor, sick, mentally and physically in decline. I pray for all leaders in positions of power and influence that your will be done through their words and deeds. I pray for an end to all animal cruelty. I pray for an end to all wars that there would be peace. I pray for all children especially those being abused and or neglected. I pray for the children suffering in war ravaged parts of the world. Thank you. Amen.

4 July 2023 Future

by saymber, posted in animals, history, Home, photography, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

What are you most worried about for the future?

Happy Independence Day! I’m looking forward to seeing family today and getting a bike. My cousin had a friend give him a bike that could go to a disabled vet which so happened to be me! We are getting together at my Aunt and Uncles house this afternoon. I am not looking forward to the evening – lots of people fire off fireworks around here and it sounds like a war zone! Thankfully Link doesn’t seem to be bothered by them.

Todays prompt kind of makes me think of Jesus’s message about not worrying or having anxiety about tomorrow:

Matthew 6:34New International Version

34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I used to be a worrier and very anxious about things I had no control over. I still on occasion have anxiety. It does nothing for me! There are things to plan for and look forward to but all I really have control over is my today – the moment I am in. Who knows but God what is going to happen next! Something Kyle my ex used to say to me when I was worrying about something is “what are you going to do about it? If your not able to do anything quit worrying as it does no good.” He was usually right! I can remember one time our front yard was flooding and I was worrying and I had to focus on what I wanted to happen and not on the flooding. Everything was fine – we were watching Twilight Zone and the episode was about an Angel and that comforted me.

In times of crisis I have had to train my mind to focus on what I want to happen not what I don’t. What monster do you want to feed kind of thing. Prayer also helps with focusing on what I want to happen in my present and future. It takes a lot of practice for me not to be a worry wart!

I thought Link looked beautiful in the afternoon light

27 May 2022 Times in the Valley

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, Health, history, Home, human rights, In the News, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Nature, photography, Politics and Government, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Television, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. Another week has come and gone. Today doesn’t find me on top of a mountain but down in a valley. I’m just finding it difficult to right myself after the latest goings on. Last night I was falling asleep and heard a loud noise inside and outside of my head and it startled me. Then I felt this presence fill the room and seem to be standing right next to me. There was a cold chill and I felt like I was being touched. Whatever was happening was not comforting and made me feel really anxious! When I asked if Jesus was there whatever it was went away. This kind of stuff happens to me and it’s so hard to understand.

As I write to you, I’m not feeling very rested but I can’t go back to sleep. What is my mind and body doing or is it something else? Someone else? I just don’t know! Praying and hoping Jesus will reveal some answers!

https://youtu.be/o5OnF3sg0cY – The Chosen Scene Jesus Gives The Beatitudes

Matthew 5New International Version

Introduction to the Sermon on the Mount

5 Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2 and he began to teach them.

The Beatitudes(A)

He said:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.(B)
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.(C)
5 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.(D)
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.(E)
7 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.(F)
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,(G)
    for they will see God.(H)
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,(I)
    for they will be called children of God.(J)
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,(K)
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.(L)

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you,(M)persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.(N) 12 Rejoice and be glad,(O) because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.(P)

27 January 2022 Thursday

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Mental Health, Social media, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 27 January 2022 Thursday Morning https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1277668869

Good morning from here. I hope this finds you well.

Last night was rough again but I thankfully had someone to talk to. Sometimes it’s nice to hear a comforting voice when your freaking out! I keep falling asleep and panicking awake. So weird! I want it to stop!

The stream this morning was definitely a mental health stream. We had a good talk about some things we are going through. If you or someone you know struggles with mental health issues you might take a listen. One of the viewers does a lot of help online and she was talking about anxiety being fear of the unknown and depression being about time – ruminating about the past.

When it comes to mental health sometimes it’s hard for people who haven’t been “in the system” to understand what’s going on. Half the time we are trying things out! Like getting waves of anxiety and not knowing where they are coming from. Not knowing what will work “this time” to soothe things out. Feeling so uncomfortable in your own skin. Every day having a battle with yourself!

Anyhew I would love to hear from you if anything here resonates. Hugs!

19 January 2022 Wednesday

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Mental Health, Music, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How are you? Today has started out pretty good. Had a good stream talking about issues associated with mania and fear. Both require self soothing. It’s important to learn how to be your own mom sometimes! “Everything is going to be ok. This will pass, it always does.” I had a viewer from Germany talking about it taking 2.5 years to see a psychotherapist!

I’m live on Twitch – Watch me at https://twitch.tv/jwygant

Today is my youngest cousins birthday! Hard to believe it’s been another year!

Today I have been feeling some anxiety but listening to Astravert is helping: Check out Wednesday Friends | !spotify !youtube !bandcamp !merch https://www.twitch.tv/astravert

It’s another day of inversion here – gray! I’m trying to keep my spirits up. My cousin and I talked about this weather just being a time of rest. The rest of the year always goes so fast that we need a time to slow down. Sometimes I need a reminder!

My therapist and I were talking about how much is enough when it comes to doing things. She brought up a good point that if you are making the world a better place that can be enough! Sometimes we can get really obsessed with being productive.

19 October 2021 Comfort Zone

by saymber, posted in animals, Bipolar life, Health, Home, Mental Health, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How’s your day been? My day has been long. I am happy though. Mr. Link was willing to take an afternoon stroll with me without much resistance. My knees didn’t ache either!

So today I got a call from my doctors office to reschedule my appointment. The kicker is he won’t do it via telehealth so I have to go in to the office! So that means I have to drive there.

Those of you that know me know I don’t like to drive. Driving in Middleton where I live is no big deal but once you have to venture out to Nampa and Caldwell things get stinky! So I have been forced out of my comfort zone with this. It’s good for me even if I don’t like it!

Why don’t I like to drive? Part of it is the accident I had this past Christmas and part of it is well before that. My husband used to do all the driving to my appointments and stuff. I got really used to that. When he left me last January my whole world turned upside down . I started having panic attacks when I had to drive places. Sometimes I had to be talking to a family member on the phone just to get to the grocery store. Things have gotten a lot better since I moved here but I still have a long ways to go! There is a lot of baggage wrapped up in what some think is the simple act of driving.

Part of leaving my comfort zone with driving is leaving my Link at home by himself. For some reason it’s stuck in my head “what if I don’t make it home?” I have had a problem with leaving animals home alone for as long as I’ve had pets which is most of my adult life. Cats were by far the easiest! They are so much more self sufficient. You can’t leave a dog alone for more than a day before you are going to come home to a mess! Worrying about Link does sometimes keep me from doing things.

Do you have a comfort zone? Is there a line inside of you that you don’t like to cross? For me it’s oftentimes a visceral thing. There are physical feelings involved. For example I will get hyper aware and feel like my eyes are separated from my body. I will have like an out of body feeling! What’s frustrating is I don’t feel like I have control over it. Someone will suggest something that is out of my comfort zone and that feeling will come. It didn’t used to be like this for me!

If anything here resonates I would love to hear from you !

9 April 2021 The Program

by saymber, posted in dreams, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you doing today? It’s 9:05 am on this TGIF morning. I had some weird dreams last night one of them was of watching people making a blue drink to make “blue bloods.” The other that I remember was seeing shadows of three crucifixions and one kicked one of them down and it became a shadow of a chair. Not sure what the blue bloods was about but the other was may be about Jesus being crucified so I could have rest – rest symbolized by the chair. What do you think?

Yesterday I started listening to the Lucinda Bassett Attacking Anxiety and Depression (Attacking Anxiety and Depression Midwest Center for Stress 16 Cassette Tapes | eBay) program and so far it’s pretty interesting. I need to do more than just listen but that’s all I have the energy to do right now. What I have found interesting is some of the people interviewed were completely off anxiety medication. They didn’t consider anxiety and depression a mental illness but a temporary condition. You have to learn how to talk to yourself in a positive manner.

They suggest getting an exercise program to help combat anxiety. I never thought that would be a problem for me. I have been an active person for most of my life but this past year since the divorce I’ve become quite sedentary. I’m looking forward to more steady warm weather and may be then I will get out and walk more.

“life” in the English Ordinal system equals 32

“Attacking Anxiety and Depression ” in the English Ordinal system equals 327 (yes, no, may be light and shadow existence all vices in check)

30 March 2021 Cast Your Cares

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you today? I am doing ok, the day is getting better. This morning I was having a bit of a struggle with myself regarding going to get groceries or not. I prayed about it and heard a small voice say, “Cast your cares.” I remembered that being something Joyce Meyers husband David says her a lot when she’s fretting about something. I decided to look up where that scripture came from:

Psalms 55:22

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.

There was a time in my life when doing chores and other things wasn’t a big deal. For some reason everything is a big deal now. Every day I have to push through this invisible wall to get things done. It’s a physical thing where I will think about doing something and I will almost immediately get a panicky feeling in my gut. A wall of anxiety goes up. It’s that feeling I have to work through to actually accomplish anything. I am taking medication to try and help with it but it doesn’t always work!

“planet” in the English Ordinal system equals 68 (all vices in check but one for eternity)

“Where do I belong God” in the English Ordinal system equals 168

“Cast Your Cares” in the English Ordinal system equals 168

(In the numbers it’s interesting how todays message lines up with yesterdays!)

I know I have to keep strong and have faith that I am on the right path. I asked for God’s strength and I got it. I got to the grocery store, bought what was on my list and got back home again.

25 March 2021 Letting go

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you? This morning began with some tears during a therapy session with my counselor. We were trying to find the root cause of the anxious feelings I have been having. The more talked it over with her, the more I am realizing that this condition has been an ongoing thing.

What brought me to tears was thinking about letting go of my husband and moving on with my life. I realize that my fear of driving is just a symptom of my not wanting to make my current residence a home. If I get familiar with this place and get to know my way around that means my marriage is truly over (which it is).

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” 1 Peter 5:7 NIV

I keep getting an “anxious belly” meaning I will think about something and I will feel it. I have been talking to my therapist about this for quite some time ad she says the only way to get over this is to go through what I am avoiding. I’m just not ready yet…..I am slow about this!

Letting go is more than just the context of what I’m writing here, it’s also about my life in general – to let go and let God. I say I believe and trust in God but my actions don’t always match up to that . In some ways I hold on so tight. It makes me think of riding on a roller coaster with my husband one time and how he said “It doesn’t matter how tight you hold on you aren’t in control.” You can say that about a life too. No matter how tight you hold on to your life, you aren’t entirely in control of it.

“letting go” in the English Ordinal system equals 109 ( one resisting the unknown)

“happy ” in the English Ordinal system equals 66

““It doesn’t matter how tight you hold on you aren’t in control.” ” in the English Ordinal system equals 661

28 MAy 2020 Stuff

by saymber, posted in Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Money, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you.  How are you this morning?  Well Link and I have had our walk and I forced myself to eat some breakfast sitting at the table.  I have been having trouble sitting still for meals since I got home from the hospital.  Just another anxiety provoking thing I’m working through.  Last night before bed I was having to keep my mind from teleporting all over the place, “stay with Link” and “stay here Jackie” are phrases I’m having to use a lot.  So many parts of my life provoke a teleport of my mind and heart to another time.

Speaking of another time….my stuff is a big time trigger right now.

With things going the way they are, I am going to be moving.  We are having discussions with what is the best way to transport my stuff from here to Idaho.  I think we have narrowed it down to a Uhaul truck.  The quote for the POD was $3800 with almost $300 for rent a month.  A lot of the deliberation about this has been whether or not all the stuff I’ve decided to keep will fit in one device or another and not cost us a fortune!   I’ve already gotten rid of so much and there is still a couple things left.   I hate the thought of putting our King size bed at the curb!

This morning I was thinking about the movies my husband and I had collected and my journals.  He is going to try and sell most of the movies.  The journals I think are going to be transported one more time but there is a part of me that is almost ready to let them go.  I have no intention of going back through them and I don’t expect anybody else is going to want to either.  Unlike movies though, you can’t just go get another copy of a journal.   With movies you can also find another way to watch and or acquire another copy.  We’ll see what happens!  I have some more time to think about it.

Anyhew that’s where we are at in our process right now.  I’m trying to stay in the present moment.  I am trying to remain grateful for what and who I have.