28 December 2021 Tuesday

Hello to you. How are you? Hopefully staying warm! It’s a balmy 22 degrees here as I write to you. Winter is definitely here. I’m so grateful Link and I have a warm shelter. Even as we near 2022 there are people without affordable housing.

So I rousted myself with some Heilung and my little drum this morning. My little drum circle idea rose and fell this year. It’s ok. I don’t regret buying the drum. It gets lots of use.

https://youtu.be/64CACoHNBEI – Heilung Norupo

Thinking of hearth and home this chilly Tuesday!

“Primal beat of my drum and ancient calling, steam rises from my coffee…snow is falling. A warm hearth and home within my heart can be found. An echo of the beginning sound.”

As I sit here this morning I wonder where we are heading in this world. Where am I heading. Things are doing things…..I keep trying to stand still in time but it doesn’t work that way. How do I graciously embrace the inevitable? Lately I’ve been feeling like my mind is in an in between place. When I feel this way I don’t get to just live my life and move forward with it. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in the flow….that stream of existence where time doesn’t matter. Your doing what God put you here to do and that’s all you want to do! All you want to do is be in that “sweet spot” with God.

Sometimes when I’m writing I get the place I desire to be. It’s warm and safe. The words just flow and I don’t want it to end but it always does. I had these sort of feelings when I would sit outside in Texas and draw with chalk. I would sit outside for hours and just draw. I felt such a direct connection with God. What was nice is my drawings lasted until the rains came. Then I would have a fresh canvas. I used to draw spaceships that sailed off with the rains. Where I live now I don’t have a slab in the backyard to draw on. I just have a driveway in the front yard and I’m a little self conscious about doing my drawings there.

I believe God isn’t done with me yet. There is a reason I still exist. I have to remind myself that the reason(s) aren’t always big ones. One of my favorite Saints is Therese of Lisieux: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Th%C3%A9r%C3%A8se_of_Lisieux and the reason is because of how she believed in serving God in little ways. Every time I smell roses I think of her. We each have a part in Gods play. Some are major parts and some are very small but they are all important. Sometimes we are destined to live the little way and have to find peace with that.

I hope something here resonated!

27 December 2021 Snow Day

Hello there. How are you doing today? I’m doing ok…..having kind of a surreal morning. We got snow yesterday so no travel for me today. Thankfully my therapist is doing phone sessions today.

Links paw print in the snow

Why is today surreal? It’s hard to pin it on just one thing. May be it’s because another year is drawing to a close? Like I’ve said before I hold on to things too tight….even time.

I did a short stream last night. The topic was empathy. Something I feel the world is lacking….something I feel I’m lacking. I have always felt like I was an empath but after what I’ve been through these past couple of years I am not so sure. I’m a harsher person than I used to be. I am not as caring about other people as I used to be. I don’t like it but wonder if it’s a protective mechanism. I wonder if I truly allowed myself to be like I was if I would be able to keep it together.

I am hoping this next year is less frosty for me. I hope there will be reasons to reconnect to my heart and be warm in that space without having to be a blubbering mess in the process. Is there a way to be strong but loving too? I pray God will get me there!

If anything here resonates I would love to hear from you!

25 December 2021 In the Stillness

Hello. It’s 6:04 pm and Christmas 2021 is drawing to a close. As I sit here writing to you I am filled with gratitude…..and longing. I have been included and loved in to other peoples ideas of what the holidays should be but I find I still miss my little family. Will God ever let me have that again? Can God hear my true hearts desire?

Merry Dogmas from Link
Merry Dogmas from Smokey

New memories were made this year that I will cherish. On Christmas Eve my aunt and uncle came over with a lasagne meal and we went to a candlelight service here in town….it even snowed! In those little candles went lots of prayers! Then today was a wonderful brunch with my aunt, uncle, cousin and his wife. I was grateful to come home from brunch and there were two sweet little dogs to take a nap with.

“In the stillness of Christmas now past my heart lies in the snows of the last. “

24 December 2021 Sunshine !

So happy to see this glowing orb of warmth and light

Hello to you. How are you? We have sunshine this morning and I’m so grateful to see it! I’ve got coffee and my sweet boy beside me….load of laundry going. I will be honest it was hard getting up this morning. As I get older I’m starting to understand my parents better. They didn’t like to sit still too long. If you sit still too long it’s hard to get moving again! Stuff hurts!

It’s Christmas Eve and I am not sure how I feel about it. Everything feels so surreal. It’s really my second Christmas in Idaho! No matter how tight I have been holding on, time has been moving forward. There is no comfort for what I am feeling….only more time and distance from where all these wounds began. There are times I wish I could get on with life with less of the feelings but then I wouldn’t be me anymore! Ugh!!

It will be nice to have this evening with my Aunt and Uncle and go to a candle light service here in town. Then tomorrow we are having brunch at my cousins. I am blessed to have family!

I hope you are doing ok today wherever and however you are spending it. If your not ok I hope you have a support system to help you make it through!

I’m live on Twitch – Watch me at https://twitch.tv/jwygant

Good music: Check out Merry Jamzmas! | !spotify !youtube !bandcamp !twitter !merch https://www.twitch.tv/astravert

23 December 2021 Evening Skies

Evening skies

Hello friend. How has your day been? Have you been doing holiday stuff today or have you been out of it like me? Evening skies have settled in to put our neck of the woods to bed. I’m listening to violin music by Twitch streamer newbaroque. Nick plays music by request and is just a real sweetheart. His dog Taco is quite the little celebrity!

I wasn’t sure I was going to paint a shirt today but I did. I’m not sure if I should do more to it. Sometimes less is more when it comes to shirts. What do you think? The paint flow is a bit uneven on the circles but not much I can do about that.

Shirt # 4 today kind of played it safe and simple with this one. We will see how I feel about it in the morning!

“Evening skies shades of pale pink purple and blue always make me think of you. There was a time when we stood together gazing at such a sight. I would always forget my camera and you would gently say to me, “It’s just for us.”

23 December 2021 Thursday

Hello to you. Thank you for visiting me here today. I’m really having trouble collecting my thoughts. This is like try number 5 at trying to write to you! How are you holding up with the holidays?

I’m writing to you from my little life raft I’m sharing with Link aka tiny couch. It’s gray and wet outside and I’m feeling it. When it’s like this I get a mild case of depression. I know it will pass. When I feel this way I just want to be nurtured and there is nobody here to do it! I really miss having a special somebody to do life with. Part of me resists the reality of having to share life with someone again. The complications of everything involved with sharing a life with someone. Everyone tells me that when I find him or he finds me everything will just work itself out. My drawing today is me imagining God manifesting a special someone for me.

There is a plan in the works – I just have to be patient

“I know your out there wandering around just about as lost as me….someday together we will be.”

Check out 23 December 2021 Gray Day chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1241648242

21 December 2021 Feeling Like A Scrambled Egg

Hello….how are you? Hopefully this finds you doing well. I wish I could say everything is ok with me but I’m feeling a little scrambled eggs today. It will pass it always does.

Like my therapist and I talked about yesterday, I’m just not comfortable in my own skin. She shared with me about eneagrams, personality types and played this song for me: https://youth.be/-sO2UMoOaFQ – Sleeping At Last. It’s a song for type 1 personalities and if you cry while listening to it, chances are that’s your personality type. I cried. What came to me at first when I heard it is feeling like I wasn’t enough for my ex husband…..I miss him so much every day. What also came to me is I’m enough for God. With all my flaws and weaknesses….all the ways I have failed I know that no matter what God loves me. God has been there when I have been at my best….at my worst. What I told my therapist is I want God to have hands I can hold. A face I can touch. Arms to hold me. Sadly it just doesn’t work that way. The place I get to feel God is when we are close and my heart gets that glowing warmth. God is the very air we breathe….too big to be contained in a body!

I’m trying to snap myself out of “this” and get on with my day. May be some shirt painting will help ?! I’m wearing the shirt I did last night – pretty happy with it.

As always thank you reader for going on this journey with me!

17 December 2021 Remembering Where You Came From

Beautiful morning sun

Hello to you – how are you? It’s morning as I write to you. The sun is out!! Yay!! The only bad thing is I can see how filthy my window is and I don’t have a ladder to reach it! I am left wondering how the people that sold me the house kept it so clean?! I’ll figure something out.

Yesterday I did some experimenting on my Twitch channel. I tried to take my viewers on a walk around my block but lost my WiFi signal shortly after I left my house. So that didn’t work. I was thinking of my parents when I did it as they haven’t seen where I live. I guess I would have to use something like a go pro and upload the video. Everything has its limitations.

On the stream last night something came to me. What came to me was to share my experience, strength and hope as if I were chairing an AA meeting. The holidays can be a very difficult time of year for folks that have addiction issues. I have experience with alcohol and food addiction. My experience with alcohol only lasted a couple of years but the anorexia and namely bulemia lasted into my thirties. I haven’t really talked about my journey with bulemia yet. It lasted such a long time!

Some of live with our heart showing

Check out 16 December 2021 Evening visit https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1235501106

I bought some fabric paint online yesterday. I have several “blank” tshirts that I intend on painting. I want to explore having each one having a different variation of Metatrons cube. We will start with one and see how it goes. The thing with painting tshirts is I don’t have to find wall space for a painting – it’s wearable art. You wear it until it gets worn out.

This was a paint kit my friend gave me several months ago. Yesterday I finally got around to using it! What a cheerful message !

I wanted to show you the rock my friend gifted me with – she painted it herself and I think it’s so pretty!

16 December 2021 Snow

Hello to you. How are you today? I woke up to us getting a bit of snow. It is already starting to melt.

Just a little snow

As I sit here with my coffee, I am trying to think of what I want to do today. I am feeling kind of stuck. Drawing helps but I’m so quick about it. As soon as I get started I’m already finished. I love drawing Metatron’s cube! When I draw it I am soothed in my brain. I like choosing different colors for each one. I like that I free hand them – that they aren’t perfect each time. Each one is for a different somebody. I was doing that with my outdoor chalk this summer.

Drawing for today
Sun trying to peek through

Why do I always feel like I have to be DOING something? Why can’t I just be still? I guess idleness wasn’t something I was raised with. There were always chores when I was growing up and then of course once I got into the military I was always busy – too busy sometimes. There needs to be balance in the busy ! Balance in the idleness. There is too much idleness in my life right now. Gradually I am finding my way. For me idleness is close to usefulness…..I want to feel useful again.

I hope this finds you well!

I’m live on Twitch – Watch me at https://twitch.tv/jwygant