Yesterday when I was streaming on Twitch I got to talking about there being a reason for everything. Even if at the time it doesn’t make sense. So many times seemingly senseless things have happened and the first question was “WHY?!!” Then you look at the whole picture and oftentimes you get an “aha!” moment.
When I was spending a lot of time in my backyard in Texas I learned so much from the trees, flowers and insects….from simple blades of grass and dried leaves. I can remember sitting on the bandstand we had and pointing at a blade of grass or dandelion and just thinking to God “what do you want to do with that?” Something would always happen. The wind would blow. Sometimes an insect would show up. I felt like God was showing me that every single “piece” was accounted for. There was a plan for even a humble blade of grass. This got me thinking about the entirety of existence…..countless pieces of this existence all having a purpose. The intelligence I felt of God was everywhere and in everything. I was shown battles even in the seemingly gentle plant kingdom. There would be a prickly weed gradually surrounded by the “softer” plants. Kind of like a neighborhood ganging up together against a bully! All of this going on in my little backyard. I miss my nature friends. I feel like in the moments I had there was a glimpse into the why of things.
Even those things we perceive as having no purpose do indeed have one…..I asked!
Some may say it was just a coincidence what I experienced but it happened over and over again- no coincidence. I miss those moments of feeling so plugged into God….into existence. Every place that I’ve lived I have found an outside “church.” I miss Alvarado but have faith that I’m where I am right now for a reason and a new natural place of worship will present itself. The “why” of my being here will reveal itself.
Hello to you how are you in your today? I hope we’ll. This morning I had to ask for a little extra help….mornings are just rough. I asked the Holy Spirit to be with me and after I asked I truly felt his presence. I felt a warmth emanating from my chest. Like I was saying on my Twitch stream yesterday – the Holy Spirit is real and you can have a personal relationship you just have to ask.
I’ve really been using Twitch lately as a tool to help myself help others. It’s kind of like chairing an AA meeting of one (sometimes) and sharing your experience, strength and hope. For a long time I’ve felt that even if I reach one person, even if it’s just myself sometimes then I’ve done well. A lot of times I get on to stream and there is only one viewer! Lately there have been a couple views on the videos after I do them which means a lot. I noticed that Twitch only keeps a couple weeks worth of videos.
The Holy Spirit is for real! Music helps so much! Thinking of Twitchers Jayne Rio , Astravert and New Baroque
Hello. How are you ? I’m doing better this morning – yesterday was really rough. I kept having panic attacks. I did a lot to try and soothe myself. I prayed, I went for several walks, blogged with a drawing, vlogged on Twitch a couple of times, even found a streamer that was streaming playing World of Warcraft. When evening rolled around I was starting to feel better. Talking to my cousin and a friend helped too.
I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and my medicine doctor on Thursday in person. The Zyprexa that is for anti-anxiety isn’t working for me. It has the opposite effect! This morning after I took lithium it seemed to help avert another day like yesterday. We will get this figured out!
Like I was talking about in my Twitch post yesterday, sometimes the things I used to have in my sanity toolkit aren’t there anymore or don’t work like they used to. Life changes. People change. So I sometimes have to use everything! This morning I found a deal on sketchbooks so I ordered them – drawing is definitely a tool in my toolkit!
Layers and messages
Right now something that is soothing me is writing and listening to a musical artist I’ve mentioned before named Astravert – he’s streaming right now. He’s getting quite a following. I don’t know of anybody that does what he does – an improv mystic rock: Check out Tuesday Bluesday | !spotify !youtube !bandcamp !twitter !merch https://www.twitch.tv/astravert
Something else that just soothed me was talking to my Aunt. She’s going to be having knee surgery on the 13th (I thought it was the 11th) and we both needed to have each other’s comfort and peace …to be instruments of Gods love for each other. Hearing her voice made my day brighter. I told her hearing her voice makes me feel at home.
I’m sorry if my post isn’t very cohesive today. Sharing all this with you in this way is helping me stay calm and centered. May be someone reading this will resonate with all this. Do you suffer from anxiety and panic attacks? What works best for restoring you to you? I’d love to hear from you.
Hello to you. As I write to you I am in peace and calm right now. I am surrounded by love and kindness. As I write to you I am visualizing being immersed in the light of angels. I don’t let anyone take this from me. All is well.
This morning was rough but the angels of both celestial and earth heard me. I got loving texts from my cousins within minutes of each other ! Old shirt I’m working on
Good morning. I’m starting my blog sitting in a chair at Grace Bible Church Middleton. It took some doing but here I am. The mantra of the morning was “what else do you have to do?” I almost talked my self out of it but something told me to keep going…..just go. Then I get here and the paper they handed me was right in my face….it’s happened before. The big point: The Holy Spirit Is:………so let’s see where this takes me. Have I been summoned by the Holy Spirit again?
Later……
Notes about the message today
I’m glad I went to service today. It was nice to see and talk to some familiar faces. I got to talk to the pastors wife for a bit. She’s so nice! I also felt relief like I did something I was supposed to do. It felt good to sing! For some reason I was supposed to be there. I will remain open and see what the Holy Spirit has in store for me next. Sometimes I think it’s just about showing up!
Hello to you. How are you? I got up early this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. It feels like I didn’t sleep but I known I did! I can remember a dream I kept floating in and out of that had a tribal theme….David Bowie even peeped in. I am still not over this darn cold and this morning I was fretting about my Aunt. She’s scheduled to have knee surgery on the 11th and I’m nervous about it.
Link trying to figure me out this morning
This morning I talked to God and was like “We are going to need the big guns today!” There are days that are like that. Days that you know a power greater than yourself is needed. You just have to ask and be prepared for what unfolds next.
“All I ask of you is to lead me to the next door. It’s not about being rich or being poor. Don’t let me waste my time here in worry and strife. Help me Lord make the most of this life”
Hi. How are you? I’m feeling better but the damn thing is lingering mostly in my head. I’ve got booger brain lol! Yucky!!
“You’ve got what?!!!” How I feel today
This drawing today is a good illustration of how I’m feeling today. Let’s see what’s on my gratitude list…..the car has been running like a champ, Link and I are together, the house is in good shape, I have food, clothing and shelter, I have family and friends and we love each other. I’d say I’m doing pretty well!!
Sometimes if all you want to do is complain it’s best to shift all that power over to embracing what is going right in your life. Just find one thing your grateful for and run with it!! Hugs!
Hello to you. How are you? I’m on the tail end of the cold I caught. Sleep and vitamin c and some Alka-Seltzer stuff have helped me kick this thing. Found out this morning my uncle caught a cold too. They are hoping it’s just a cold. That’s what you have to hope in this age of super viruses! My cousins husband and daughter tested positive for Covid recently..starting to wonder if this shit isn’t in our water!!!!
We got some more snow overnight but it’s wet because it’s warmer. I am glad I don’t have to worry about going out in this mess until Friday. I’ve been finding out for the second winter that this town doesn’t do snow removal. For a place that experiences winter you would think it would be a priority but apparently it’s not. So the roads are slick now.
I must have been thinking about Wes. In one of his Facebook posts he said looking at one of his scans was like seeing galaxies inside his body
To you reader I hope that you are well and you have something to be grateful for even if it’s a tiny thing …..just one thing. Even if it’s just that you opened your eyes today. From experience if you ask for God to help you – they will. Vocalize – talk to God like you would talk to a good friend. The results might surprise you. Today is going to be a better day. Don’t give up!
Hello friend. How are you doing today? It’s still morning and frosty here as I write 22 degrees! The sun is trying to peak out which helps. I think I have gotten myself a mild cold but I’m not going to focus on it too much. The coffee is soothing my throat.
I pulled out the last blank t- shirt I have and it will be a perfect canvas. As it is right now it looks like bleach might of got on it and something else that couldn’t come out. I can use my art to hide those flaws and enjoy wearing the shirt again. The drawing today is me thinking about what I will draw on the shirt. I’m thinking one of my whisp people with a rainbow ribbon. I did a canvas painting like that once as a commission piece for my therapist a couple of years ago.
Thinking about what to draw and paint today
Looks like I will be alone for New Years Eve and New Years. It’s ok as I’ve never been big on the holiday and if I’m truly sick I don’t want to spread it!
Last night I had a nice Twitch livestream visit with a new follower from Brazil. I keep connecting with young men from overseas. When we get a chance to visit it’s usually way past their bed times! I’m always surprised that they want to talk to me out of all the bazillion channels there are on Twitch. Last night we talked a bit about religion and God. His family is into spiritualism. Apparently his mom tried church and it didn’t work out. I’m still finding my way myself. I like the relationship I have with God. It can be both a simple and complex relationship. As big as the entirety of existence to as small as a grain of sand.
Is there anything beyond this door today?
We talked about Christianity and how you have to be saved…believe in Jesus or you will burn in hell. I always am left thinking how can such a large part of the world with their different belief systems be “wrong?” I looked up the percentages for religions and 31% are Christian while 25% are Muslim 16% are non religious and 15% are Hindu – as of 2020. There were 18 others – I found it using Google.
Something we didn’t talk about was free will. If God is all knowing of everything do we really have it? If there is a divine plan in all things I don’t believe we really have free will. Our path seems to be set before we are even born. Where was God when my Mom decided to take her own life? From what I read of her writings she loved God/Jesus more than anything. Where was God when my Grandpa decided to take his life? He was a loyal servant to God got so many years! Where was God when I attempted to take my life a couple of years ago? I had to remember I was bulemic and save myself – there was nothing and no one to save me but myself! The only thing I can think is God doesn’t interfere. He knew what I would do before I did it? He knew I would live to tell the tale may be to save someone else from doing the same thing? Much of my life has been like that. I make “mistakes” and share about it afterwards to help others. Is that part of why I still exist?
The question is still there and may be there is scripture or some kind of answer somewhere – Where is God when it comes to suicide?! According to my Catholic education suicide gets you put into purgatory and you can’t even have a church funeral.
Is Suicide the Unforgivable Sin? Understanding Suicide, Stigma, and Salvation through Two Christian Perspectives
by John Potter
Are there really that many lost souls? According to this paper 703,000 people a year?!! Where is God in all of that? Are all these people lost? There is no one living that truly answer that question not even the Pope!
I hope something here was helpful. If you or if you have someone in your life that is suicidal I hope you have a support system. I hope you have a relationship with a higher power. I hope you will choose life. I know it’s a struggle some days but you are not a mistake!
Hello to you. It’s still snowing as I write to you. I don’t know how much we are supposed to get but it doesn’t show any sign of slowing down. If I wasn’t an adult I wouldn’t care. The neighbor kids have their snowsuites on and are having so much fun! I was thinking of how fun it is to make snow angels and then two of them did it! At some point I’m going to have to go unbury my car. Adulting sucks sometimes!
Yesterday I decided to look up an old crush from senior high school and I wasn’t prepared for what I found. He had made a successful career as a manager at Barnes and Noble and as an entertainer. He had been cross dressing and his characters name was Roxy Marquis. He got married to the man he loved. What I wasn’t prepared for was that he got lymphoma and fought the cancer for 4 years. He died in 2020 from it and he was my age- we were a year apart! All the memories I had of him filled my head last night and it was hard to sleep. I had such a crush on him when we were in school! I was too smitten with him to pick up that he was different…that he was gay. He was so beautiful to me. Finding this out evoked a lot of emotions. Why did he have to go through what he did? I felt so scared and sad last night just thinking how hard he fought to live. I hope in his heaven he has peace. RIP Wesley Byers – https://m.startribune.com/obituaries/detail/0000358638/
This morning I found out a friend, Tanya Knight, from my tribe in Alvarado, succumbed to cancer too! She was the most gentle and beautiful woman you could ever meet. Just so vibrant and full of life – she was a healer. I can’t believe she’s gone.
Last night as I was tossing, turning and crying I talked to God. “God I don’t understand suffering and death! It scares me. I feel so powerless – where are you God? Sometimes it just feels like you’ve abandoned us and I don’t want to believe that. Don’t let me waste this gift you have given me…..this life.”
Heavy flurries today
Both Wes and Tanya still have their Facebook pages up. I’m glad they were so I could pay my respects. I didn’t know Facebook did that.
I hope something here resonated. I need to pull myself together and live this day. I think that’s the best way we can honor those who have gone before us – live!
To be 