4 April 2021 Resurrection

Hello to you, how are you on this day of hope? Today we are reminded of the resurrection of Christ and some people it’s celebration of the Spring Equinox Eostre. A lot of Christian holidays have their origin in pagan roots it was how they got many pagans in Christs time to convert to Christianity (7 Pagan Festivals We Still Celebrate Today | Through Eternity Tours).

I was looking for the scripture passages about the resurrection of Christ this morning and stopped looking after I read Matthew 27. It’s such a dramatic moment! It must have been terrifying to be there:

Matthew 27:50-56New International Version

50 And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit.

51 At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split 52 and the tombs broke open. The bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. 53 They came out of the tombs after Jesus’ resurrection and[a] went into the holy city and appeared to many people.

54 When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, “Surely he was the Son of God!”

55 Many women were there, watching from a distance. They had followed Jesus from Galilee to care for his needs. 56 Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and Joseph,[b] and the mother of Zebedee’s sons.

Something that bothers me about this is the rising of the dead from their tombs. What actually happened that day? Did people actually rise from the dead and walk around? I am reminded of what happened to me back in 2002 when I had my first major episode/experience. I was in the Emergency Room in Florida and could feel myself getting really cold. They wanted me to lay down but I said I couldn’t otherwise I would slip out of my body, I could feel it happening. Then a man came in with warm towel and and they gave me some fluids and I felt better than I have ever felt in my life. Suddenly there was beeping sounds of machines in the almost all the rooms around me. This was the first time I felt like Christ was within me. There is much more that happened after all this but I won’t go into it now.

They say it’s not uncommon for this sort of thing to happen with a psychotic break; a Messiah complex (Messiah complex – Wikipedia). It felt like more than that. What happened to me? I was alive but felt like I was going to die, just slip out of my body. Was it just dehydration, a psychotic breakdown or a resurrection? It’s hard to say!

one six five ” in the English Ordinal system equals 128 (one light and shadow process for eternity)

resurrection ” in the English Ordinal system equals 165 (one all vices in check but one for the senses)

Messiah complex” in the English Ordinal system equals 162 (one all vices in check but one light and shadow process)

3 April 2021 Finding Comfort in Food

Hello to you, how are you doing today? I am doing ok. It’s a lovely sunny day here in this little town of Middleton ID. Gradually I am getting used to living here but miss some of the comforts of where I lived before namely food places to eat. When I lived in Alvarado we had a lot of fast food places really close to the interstate and they were easy to get to. Now if I want anything like that I only have Subway to choose from for commercial food places and anything else is having to drive to get it. I guess I should be grateful for that as I might eventually lose weight!

One of the things I have been doing this past year to cope with my depression, boredom and loneliness, is finding comfort in food. I especially have problems with sugar. They say sugar is as addictive as cocaine on the brain and I believe it! I haven’t been cooking for myself because there is so much waste and I just can’t justify the effort. I know that sounds pathetic but that’s just how I feel. Lately I have been making use of Grub Hub food delivery service. It’s expensive but I only do it as a treat. Paying a little more for somebody else to go to a food place and bring it to my door is worth it sometimes! Eventually I imagine I will get back to baking and cooking.

Here are a couple words and phrases in the numbers and how I interpreted them:

lie” in the English Ordinal system equals 26

dog ” in the English Ordinal system equals 26

Finding comfort in food” in the English Ordinal system equals 216 (a light and shadow process for one with all vices in check but one)

one” in the English Ordinal system equals 34

gluttony” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes, no, may be for the brain)

all” in the English Ordinal system equals 25

addicted to food” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one light and shadow process for the senses)

world ” in the English Ordinal system equals 72

boredom ” in the English Ordinal system equals 72 (all vices in check in a light and shadow process)

loneliness” in the English Ordinal system equals 124 (one light and shadow process for the brain)

depression ” in the English Ordinal system equals 124

2 April 2021 Easily Overwhelmed

Hello to you, how are you? I hope you are having a nice Friday. It’s bright and sunny here today. My weed eater and manual weed puller were delivered today. I went out and tried to use the weed puller. I immediately realized that I am going to be overwhelmed by the number of weeds and grass already growing in the yard! My Aunt and Uncle had suggested I try to find an organic weed and grass killer otherwise I am not going to be able to keep up. I am not sure that’s what I want to do! This was an interesting passage out of Isaiah about being overwhelmed:

Isaiah 28:15

You boast, “We have entered into a covenant with death,
    with the realm of the dead we have made an agreement.
When an overwhelming scourge sweeps by,
    it cannot touch us,

for we have made a lie our refuge
    and falsehood[a] our hiding place.”

Lately I have been feeling like God is answering my prayers about being easily overwhelmed. As I have mentioned before, most times I pray for something there is something I am asked to do to get the answer. You can’t get something for nothing. Part of the answer is to make me stronger. I have to be able to drive so God has been sending me places to go. For example I got a card to get my emissions test done on the car. I had to look up where to go to get the test done. I will have to rely on my GPS once again to get me there when I’m ready to get the test done. I’m pretty sure after I complete that task, another task aka quest will be on it’s way! Before long driving to do something will be normal and won’t be something to fear.

How does God work with you on things like this? Is there something you have prayed about and it doesn’t seem like there has been an answer? Can you see an answer in the questions?

overwhelmed” in the English Ordinal system equals 130 (one yes, no, may be into the unknown)

Jackie” in the English Ordinal system equals 39

Can you see an answer in the questions” in the English Ordinal system equals 398

31 March 2021 Cast Your Cares 2

Hello to you, how are you today? It’s afternoon as I write to you and I hope you have had a good day. The title today is because I was feeling anxious this morning before I got up and I heard that message again! It is such a relieving phrase to hear! Here is one I read this afternoon:

“The Lod is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you” 2 Thessalonians 3:3 NIV

The cares I needed to cast to God involved driving to my doctors office to pick up a lab slip for blood work to be done. I had only ever been to my doctors office when my Aunt was driving so I was nervous about getting lost on my own. Sometimes my GPS doesn’t work so well! Thankfully everything went well and I got there just fine. I think if I had chosen to go later in the day there might have been a problem. The route took me through some pretty busy areas of town!

I guess you could say I am having to learn to drive again or at least that’s what it feels like. My husband did so much of the driving when we were together. Now I have to do it I for myself. Some say it’s part of having independence to be able to drive but I there is a part of me that would love to have someone drive me again lol! I would love to have a driverless car some day.

balance” in the English Ordinal system equals 38 (yes, no, may be for eternity)

independence” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (no for eternity)

driving ” in the English Ordinal system equals 83 (eternity yes, no may be?)

30 March 2021 Cast Your Cares

Hello to you, how are you today? I am doing ok, the day is getting better. This morning I was having a bit of a struggle with myself regarding going to get groceries or not. I prayed about it and heard a small voice say, “Cast your cares.” I remembered that being something Joyce Meyers husband David says her a lot when she’s fretting about something. I decided to look up where that scripture came from:

Psalms 55:22

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.

There was a time in my life when doing chores and other things wasn’t a big deal. For some reason everything is a big deal now. Every day I have to push through this invisible wall to get things done. It’s a physical thing where I will think about doing something and I will almost immediately get a panicky feeling in my gut. A wall of anxiety goes up. It’s that feeling I have to work through to actually accomplish anything. I am taking medication to try and help with it but it doesn’t always work!

planet” in the English Ordinal system equals 68 (all vices in check but one for eternity)

Where do I belong God” in the English Ordinal system equals 168

Cast Your Cares” in the English Ordinal system equals 168

(In the numbers it’s interesting how todays message lines up with yesterdays!)

I know I have to keep strong and have faith that I am on the right path. I asked for God’s strength and I got it. I got to the grocery store, bought what was on my list and got back home again.

29 March 2021 Belonging

Hello to you, how are you ? It’s Monday afternoon as I write to you. Today I have been thinking about belonging and this passage resonated with me. It’s one of my favorites:

Romans 12:5-8 New International Version

so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the othersWe have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your[a] faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead,[b] do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

Where do I belong God? What is my part? These are questions I have been asking and waiting for an answer to for most of my life. I thought my part was being a wife and for 28 years of my adult life that was true. I have been fired from that part twice now! So now I am out in the world on my own (with Link) and am not sure what part God has planned for me.

Other people like my Aunt, Uncle, cousins and friends all seem to represent a part of God’s body and try to help me with my quest to know God better. My problem is that I keep looking for “the one” part of God’s body and that body went away some thousands of years ago!

So where do I belong God? That is and has been my biggest question for the body of God. I will have to wait to see what answer that body has for me.

planet” in the English Ordinal system equals 68

where do I belong God” in the English Ordinal system equals 168

28 March 2021 Lean into God

Hello to you, how are you today. I’m writing a little late on this beautiful Sunday. Today started out with a drive to my cousins for coffee and breakfast! I surprised myself by just using the GPS on my phone. Driving to her place is the furthest I have driven so far here in Idaho! I have been telling myself lately that I want to live my life versus just exist.

Yesterday I went to church with my Aunt and got a chance to talk to a pastor about some questions I have had about Jesus. I told him I am on a quest of sorts. I said the stumbling block for me becoming a Christian is believing that Jesus is the only way to get into heaven. What about all the other walks of faith that exist on this planet? He said, sweeping some Dan Brown mythology aside (The Council of Nicea, making a man a God), what they don’t address is payment for sin. Jesus was the perfect sacrifice for all of our sins and that isn’t something other walks of faith address. I tried to take in what he was saying as like when I was talking about equivalent exchange. You can’t get something for nothing and I guess that goes for salvation too! My quest continues.

When I set my mind to something, when I lean into God, things start to happen for me. I want a closer relationship with God and gradually I am getting that.

Lean into God ” in the English Ordinal system equals 116 (two parts of one with all vices in check but one)

27 March 2021 Content

Hello, how are you? It is Saturday as I write to you and it’s a beautiful, sunny day.

I was trying to think of something to write about today and the word content came to mind.

Philippians 4:12-13New International Version

12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

This passage really stood out today. It can be difficult when you are in the moment of crisis to be content like the passage describes. For example when I was having surgery back in August 2005 to have a fibroid cyst removed. Prior to the surgery I was anything but content! I was so scared! Everything ended up being alright thank God. I prayed and cried so much!

I suspect a lot of my worry, anxiety and fear comes from not leaning on God enough and that’s because I am kind of a control freak. If I don’t have complete control over a situation I feel powerless. If I am ever going to reach the level of contentment I want I have to let God be God!

spirit” in the English Ordinal system equals 91

content” in the English Ordinal system equals 91

26 March 2021 Feel the fear and do it anyway

Hello to you. How are you doing today? It’s a sunny and bright day; definitely spring! I noticed some weeds are starting to grow. The people who sold me this place didn’t put tarp down before they laid the gravel so a bunch of grass and weeds are growing through the rocks. I think it would have been better to just have grass but it’s too late now! I ordered a weed eater and and a weed puller so I should be set for basic care of my yard.

So last night I was honored with a visit from a dear friend and we had a long talk about fear. We talk about “feel the fear and do it anyways” a lot. Working through my fear of driving, especially since the accident on Christmas, has been difficult. My cousins and Aunt and Uncle live nearby but I still have to drive to get to their houses and we are working on getting me comfortable doing that. I live in a small town, even smaller than the last town I lived. While this town does have a lot of the basics, you still have to “drive to” to get most things you want or need. In time that will probably change as Middleton is growing like most of the towns surrounding it.

Something else that came up last night in talking about fear was my fear of leaving Link by himself. I realized I can’t even say the word “leaving” without feeling anxious! We figured out I am kind of projecting my human emotions on to Link. I have been left. I have been abandoned and I don’t want him to experience that. A lot of times I fret about going places because I am afraid of how Link will feel without me. This kind of thing happened when I was married too. A lot of the reason we wouldn’t go and do things was because of my fear of leaving the dogs alone. I have to remember Link is a dog not a child!

Finally, it’s important to be able to discern the difference between a legitimate and illegitimate fear. This is when I look for the still small voice to speak up and guide me.

“Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” 1 John 3:18 NIV

Feel the fear and do it anyway” in the English Ordinal system equals 247 (process of light and shadow for left side of the brain all vices in check)

25 March 2021 Letting go

Hello to you, how are you? This morning began with some tears during a therapy session with my counselor. We were trying to find the root cause of the anxious feelings I have been having. The more talked it over with her, the more I am realizing that this condition has been an ongoing thing.

What brought me to tears was thinking about letting go of my husband and moving on with my life. I realize that my fear of driving is just a symptom of my not wanting to make my current residence a home. If I get familiar with this place and get to know my way around that means my marriage is truly over (which it is).

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” 1 Peter 5:7 NIV

I keep getting an “anxious belly” meaning I will think about something and I will feel it. I have been talking to my therapist about this for quite some time ad she says the only way to get over this is to go through what I am avoiding. I’m just not ready yet…..I am slow about this!

Letting go is more than just the context of what I’m writing here, it’s also about my life in general – to let go and let God. I say I believe and trust in God but my actions don’t always match up to that . In some ways I hold on so tight. It makes me think of riding on a roller coaster with my husband one time and how he said “It doesn’t matter how tight you hold on you aren’t in control.” You can say that about a life too. No matter how tight you hold on to your life, you aren’t entirely in control of it.

letting go” in the English Ordinal system equals 109 ( one resisting the unknown)

happy ” in the English Ordinal system equals 66

“It doesn’t matter how tight you hold on you aren’t in control.” ” in the English Ordinal system equals 661