28 August 2020 Stress isn’t the only reason

Hello to you today hope you are having a good day.  Today we are going to look into the mystery that happens when you have more than one dog and find poop in the house.  I read some articles and they said it could be stress but my aunt thinks it might be something else like my Link being onry!  So for fun I wanted to look at this from a numbers perspective and see what shows up.

who pooped in the house was it Link or Smokie” in the English Ordinal system equals 464 (Links name in the numbers =46! )

Why is Link pooping in the house?” in the English Ordinal system equals 346 (a yes no may be left side of the brain all vices in check but one) (Link name in the numbers =46 )

 

three four six” in the English Ordinal system equals 168 (one all vices in check but one in eternity and or racetrack of life)

one six eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 135 (one yes no may be for all the senses)

one three five” in the English Ordinal system equals 132 (one yes no may be for the light and shadow of self)

one three two” in the English Ordinal system equals 148 (one left side of the brain eternity and or on the racetrack of life)

one four eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 143 (one left side of the brain yes no may be)

one four three” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all the senses an object)

one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140  (one left side of the brain an object)

one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 (one all the senses in eternity and or racetrack of life)

one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one light and shadow of self all the senses)

one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes no may be right side of the brain)

one four three” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all the senses an object)

(“food” in the English Ordinal system equals 40)

(gluttony” in the English Ordinal system equals 134)

(“onry” in the English Ordinal system equals 72)

(“stress” in the English Ordinal system equals 100)

(“nerves” in the English Ordinal system equals 83)

If we are to look at this, it seems to accurately show just facts of what is happening but not telling us why.  A couple of things like  food  and gluttony showed up.   Overeating was listed as one of possible reasons for the increased amount of poop in the house   It looks like a process doesn’t it?   Sometimes it’s interesting to see if their is a practical application for something like this.

https://pets.webmd.com/dogs/dog-behavior-17/my-dog-pooping-everywhere

 

26 August 2020 Medication and Development

Hello to you today.  How are you? I sincerely hope wherever and whenever you are visiting life is treating you well.

As for me…well….I wish I could say I am doing great! Fantastic! I am all better!  Such is not the case every morning.  Ever since I left the hospital 27 April of this year I have been changed.  I am trying to move forward and move on with so may things.  I would never of imagined then that I would be in my Aunts house writing this now.

My medication is a big part of what is going on for me.  Some times it feels like it isn’t working at all and other days I can’t imagine being without it!  Being bipolar affects me on so many levels.  Some days, some moments I feel like I could handle just about anything and then just one minor blip and nope can’t handle anything.  I find myself grasping about for someone….anyone to talk to so I can work through what I am feeling.

Looking at medication as a number and patterns it’s pretty interesting how accurate it is at describing the process:

medication” in the English Ordinal system equals 93 (ironically my short name in the numbers, Jackie = 39! no yes, no, may be process)

nine three” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (no in eternity and or racetrack of life)

nine eight ” in the English Ordinal system equals 91 (no for one also this number is spirit)

nine one” in the English Ordinal system equals 76 (all vices in check and all vices in check but one and it’s my maiden name!)

seven six ” in the English Ordinal system equals 117 ( two separate ones of self all vices in check)

one one seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (one in a yes, no may be and yes, no may be process)

one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one right side of the brain all vices in check but one)

Thinking of development and change. Something I have noticed since moving here to Idaho is growth.  A lot of farmers seem to be selling their land to housing developers.  I am just going to look at the phrase housing development:

housing development” in the English Ordinal system equals 224 (light and shadow self process of self with light and shadow process of self with right side of the brain)

two two four” in the English Ordinal system equals 176 (one all vices in check with all vices in the check but one)

one seven six” in the English Ordinal system equals 151 (one all senses of one)

one five one” in the English Ordinal system equals 110 (one in one with object)

one one zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 132 (one with yes, no, may be with light and shadow of self)

one three two” in the English Ordinal system equals 148 (one left side brain in eternity and or racetrack of life)

one four eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 143 (one left side brain in yes, no may be process)

one four three” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all senses and object)

one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 (one left side brain and object)

one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 (one all senses in eternity and or racetrack of life)

one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one in light and shadow of self all senses)

one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes, no, may be with right side of brain)

 

farming ” in the English Ordinal system equals 68  (all vices in check but one in eternity and or racetrack of life)

(planet” in the English Ordinal system equals 68)

six eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 101 (one object in the center one )

one zero one ” in the English Ordinal system equals 132  (one with yes, no, may be with light and shadow of self)

 

farm” in the English Ordinal system equals 38 (yes, no may be in eternity and or racetrack of life)

(“balance” in the English Ordinal system equals 38)

 

world” in the English Ordinal system equals 72 (all vices in check with the light and shadow of self process )

(“money ” in the English Ordinal system equals 72)

 

(pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony, and sloth,  – these are the vices I am thinking of )

 

 

 

 

 

25 August 2020 Just Friends

Hello to you, how are you ?  I hope this finds you doing well in your wherever and whenever.   The topic that has come to mind lately is friendship.  When you are divorced and or single this word comes up quite a bit.  There are some phrases that come up like, “let’s just be friends,” “can’t we just be friends” ” friends but not lovers.”  Isn’t there even a song about it?!

A big part of this, I think, has to do with healing after being broken.  The not jumping back into something and or someone too fast.  That said, the thought of this friendship process kind of puts me off a bit.  How long should it take or is there any rules?

I have been using a dating site Match.com just to put myself back out there.  I have had a couple of hits.  Both of them are ending up in the friend zone because I am still healing.

So what does all this say in the numbers; lets see:

friendship” in the English Ordinal system equals 108 (one unknown object in eternity process)

one zero eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 147 (one left part of brain all vices in check)

one four seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 159 (one all senses in no process)

one five nine ” in the English Ordinal system equals 118 (one in one eternity process)

one one eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 117 ( one in one all vices in check)

one one seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (one in yes, no, may be yes, no, may be process)

one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one left side of brain, all vices in check but one process)

The way this reads has been kind of my experience with male to female friendships so far.  It usually ends up not having all vices in check!  Usually the one that isn’t in check is lust lol.

friend zone” in the English Ordinal system equals 116 (one in one all vices in check but one)

one one six” in the English Ordinal system equals 120 (one in light and shadow of self with known and or unknown object)

one two zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 156  (one all senses all vices in check but one)

one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128 (one in light and shadow of self with eternity )

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141  (one in left side of brain one self )

 

 

21 August 2020 Getting Through Today

Hello to you, how are you?  I am living in a surreal world right now with the fires.  This morning while I was cutting the grass the sun was red!  So weird!  I didn’t take a picture of it but I’m sure somebody somewhere did!

Getting Through The Day” in the English Ordinal system equals 242 (light and shadow process for the brain to process light and shadow)

cat ” in the English Ordinal system equals 24

 self” in the English Ordinal system equals 42

brain” in the English Ordinal system equals 44

As I sit here it has been hard to come up with something to write about.  My writing a blog is part of how I get through my day  and sometimes there are only a few words to say.  So much of my life I have had to discard because of what happened during my last episode.  So I am having to sift through the wreckage and retrieve what is worth retrieving.  My dear friend calls it reclaiming my life and it’s a slow process.

What of my life do I seek to realistically reclaim?

to reclaim a life” in the English Ordinal system equals 129 (one light and shadow process with “no” process)

There is a lot of my life I am afraid to try to reclaim, a lot of  the “no” process wrapped up in it.

It never ceases to amaze me how the number values reflect a truth that cannot come from a common definition or way of defining something by itself.

 

 

 

 

19 August 2020 Communication

Hello to you.  How are you doing today?  I am doing better than I was a few minutes ago. Mornings are really rough for me.  I keep having feelings like I’m being pulled apart inside and it’s a horrible feeling.  So what I do is go back my bedroom and do stuff like this and it kind of helps keep me from pulling apart completely.

Communication is helpful.  I am starting to understand why people are addicted to their cell phones and other electronic devices.  If it’s like for me, it’s a lifeline to the world.  My cell phone and laptop help get me out of myself and connected with others so I don’t feel so alone. I never used to be this bad about being alone until I came out of the hospital this last time.

Decided to run a couple things through the gematria calculator got interesting results:  ridingthebeast.com

communication is important” in the English Ordinal system equals 304 (yes no may be in the unknown for the brain) also another way to look at it is one with brain in between.

electronic devices help with loneliness” in the English Ordinal system equals 396 (yes no may be with no process of all vices in check but one).

electronic devices help with communication” in the English Ordinal system equals 422(brain process process) also self(42) process.

communication by talking to another human being is helpful” in the English Ordinal system equals 569 (why people).  why” in the English Ordinal system equals 56 “people” in the English Ordinal system equals 69

Nomophobia” in the English ordinal system equals 108 (one unknown in eternity and or the race track of life) I also look at zero as an object that the numbers surround if that makes sense.

Drawing I did recently sorry it’s hard to see 

Nomophobia –

Wikipedia icon

Wikipedia

Nomophobia is a humorous word for the fear of, or anxiety caused by, not having a working mobile phone. It has been considered as a symptom or syndrome of problematic digital media use in mental health, the definitions of which are not standardized.

14 August 2020 Overwhelmed

Hello to you it’s Friday.  Another week has ended.  I hope this finds you well wherever and whenever you are.  I am feeling a bit overwhelmed to be honest.  Yesterday we both got our house on the market and a bid all at once.  There were lots of digital documents to sign and I didn’t even know what I’m signing.  The asking price is $200,000 and the bid $195,000.  When I initially thought about selling the house it was to sell it “as is” so anything above what we paid is a bonus.

I like things to be simple and uncomplicated and something like this can be overwhelming for me.  Thank goodness I have cousins in real estate and friends that are willing to to talk to me to help me get through this.

overwhelmed” in the English Ordinal system equals 130 (one, yes no may be process, with the unknown)

selling a home” in the English Ordinal system equals 120 (one, light and shadow process, with the unknown)

selling your home” in the English Ordinal system equals 198 (one, no process with eternity and or racetrack of life)

anxiety ” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (interesting how anxiety’s numeric value is in selling your home)

 

10 August 2020 Going to the Pool

Hello to you wherever and whenever you are.  It’s evening here and I just wanted to take a moment to write.  How was your day?  Well my day was about pushing through another few feet through the twelve year mountain in front of me.  Kyle and I were married twelve years and that is a lot of time and memories to push through anytime I get ready to do something.

The way my mind works is through associations.  For example today my cousin invited my Aunt, Uncle and I to their place to enjoy the benefits of their golf club membership.  It should have been no big deal to just say yes but it was.  My cousins daughter is dating a young man named Kyle!  So with that name is the association of my Kyle and how we used to go over and use his parents pool quite a bit during the hot Texas summers.  I miss seeing his beautiful hair in the sunlight.

Anyways, today I was getting hot flashes of anxiety just thinking about going.   Then my Aunt and I talked about it and decided to go.  Well I’m glad I did even if it was difficult at times.  I got to meet the other Kyle and he’s nothing like mine was. We ended up having a nice time even if  there was some sensory overload.  Like I told my cousin, being there with them like that was something I hadn’t done in a really long time.

Kyle and I were experts at talking ourselves out of doing things. If he and I were still together, I don’t know if I would have gone over there.  In Texas, everything we could do involved us having to drive a long ways and spend money once we got there.  Kyle was more about buying a video game and staying home then going out to do things.  I enabled his social anxiety and he enabled me in his ways.  We lived a pretty isolated life the last few years.  I don’t know if it was he was embarrassed of me or if he had social anxiety too.

I guess I will never know because we never got real closure on our divorce like I wanted.  Truth is it wouldn’t of mattered what he said or we said it wouldn’t have been enough.  I didn’t want the divorce and still have feelings for him that I’m working through.  I do a lot of crying.   Like I said, twelve years of a mutual life is a lot to get through.  But I know God has a plan and gradually it is being revealed.  I just have to keep as my friend says, feeling the fear but going forward anyways.

Going to the Pool” in the English Ordinal system equals 178 (for one, all vices in check on the racetrack of life)

 

6 August 2020 Resistance

Hello to you.  How are you?  I hope you are well.  The word that came up today is resistance.  I have been resisting some things because a part of me doesn’t want to believe this is my life now the way that it is.

resistance” in the English Ordinal system equals 113 and look at that it’s a 13 in there!  I was born on 13 February!

The biggest thing I have been resisting is the fact, and it is a fact, that I am a not a guest here in Idaho and I’m not going back to Texas.  It’s simply my reality now.  My stuff is in a storage unit here and the rest of my belongings to include Link are with me here in Idaho.   I’m not going back. I really can’t go back.  Once the house is sold that’s it for me and Texas.  There are so many memories to overlay with new memories.

I can tell when I am resisting because I get hot flashes and also feel like I am being split into two parts.  I don’t want to keep feeling this way so I have redirect my thoughts to the present moment.

Does any of this resonate with someone else?  I hope that some or all of what I’m sharing helps someone else as much as it helps me to write about it.

5 August 2020 Surreality

Hello and good morning to you wherever and whenever you visiting me here.  How are you?  I am kind of in a weird space right now which I’m calling surreality.   It’s the funny place you are in when you are in between reality and not really feeling things are real yet.

For most of the time I have been here at my Aunt and Uncles place things have felt like surreality.  The biggest reason being that I am still tethered back in Alvarado with the house and memories.  A part of me has been resisting the move and keeps wanting me to go back.  I know I can’t now with all that has happened or if I tried it would be extremely difficult!  I have to move forward now and I am not sure what that will look like,

I have to take each moment as it comes and hope it’s better than the last.  I have made a ‘ll new friend I am meeting Saturday and I’m nervous about it but hoping it will be worth both of our whiles.  I need to make more memories in my present so I can start putting the past behind me and stop feeling like I am being pulled apart.

 

surreality” in the English Ordinal system equals 148 (one brain process in eternity and or on the race track of life)

God has a plan” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (together=98)

4 Aug 2020 It’s hard to practice what you preach

Good morning and hello to you wherever and whenever you are,  Its a new day and I am finding myself wondering what to do with it!  So I decided to write a bit.  The topic that came to mind is about how hard it is to practice what you tell other people to do – to put into practice what you preach.

For so many years I was in a happy space and everything was relatively easy and it was from that frame of mind that I did this blog.  When I had my husbands support I felt like I could do anything. Now I am on my own and I feel a lot differently.  I feel like the foundation to me has been removed and I am on a shifting surface.  So I am having to figure out how to support myself and it’s hard.

I have a dear friend who has been trying to help me be my own “safe person.”  For several months now she has been that person for me but she had to go back to work  She described herself as training wheels for me.  What’s funny is I was never the person that my family has been getting to know.  They didn’t know the confident, strong, self-reliant me at least not in person.  I used to be able to do a lot without having my hands held and now that is all changed. Now everything seems to be a big deal!

Staying in the present moment is particularly difficult with my mind that keeps wanting to drag me back to the past.  At age 52 I have a lot of past to sift through for every moment of the day.  As if late, I keep going back to Alvarado and the house and I have to let that go soon!

I used to be the one to dispense all kinds of advice and pep talks and now I am on the receiving end of  it and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn’t, it just makes it worse.  For someone to talk to me, it’s like they have to walk through a field of landmines of conversations that will blow up and provoke anxiety.

Practice what you preach” in the English Ordinal system equals 239 (Jackie is in this=39)

two three nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 156

one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141

What I am finding too is that since all this has happened everything makes me so sensitive.  This includes food and drink.  I have been off coffee and tea for several months now because of the jitters I get from my blood sugar changing.  I am having to learn how to eat and drink again.

Bottom line to all of this I’ve written is I am having learn how to live again because the life I had is gone.  I have to believe God has a plan for me just not sure what it is yet.