27 March 2021 Content

Hello, how are you? It is Saturday as I write to you and it’s a beautiful, sunny day.

I was trying to think of something to write about today and the word content came to mind.

Philippians 4:12-13New International Version

12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

This passage really stood out today. It can be difficult when you are in the moment of crisis to be content like the passage describes. For example when I was having surgery back in August 2005 to have a fibroid cyst removed. Prior to the surgery I was anything but content! I was so scared! Everything ended up being alright thank God. I prayed and cried so much!

I suspect a lot of my worry, anxiety and fear comes from not leaning on God enough and that’s because I am kind of a control freak. If I don’t have complete control over a situation I feel powerless. If I am ever going to reach the level of contentment I want I have to let God be God!

spirit” in the English Ordinal system equals 91

content” in the English Ordinal system equals 91

26 March 2021 Feel the fear and do it anyway

Hello to you. How are you doing today? It’s a sunny and bright day; definitely spring! I noticed some weeds are starting to grow. The people who sold me this place didn’t put tarp down before they laid the gravel so a bunch of grass and weeds are growing through the rocks. I think it would have been better to just have grass but it’s too late now! I ordered a weed eater and and a weed puller so I should be set for basic care of my yard.

So last night I was honored with a visit from a dear friend and we had a long talk about fear. We talk about “feel the fear and do it anyways” a lot. Working through my fear of driving, especially since the accident on Christmas, has been difficult. My cousins and Aunt and Uncle live nearby but I still have to drive to get to their houses and we are working on getting me comfortable doing that. I live in a small town, even smaller than the last town I lived. While this town does have a lot of the basics, you still have to “drive to” to get most things you want or need. In time that will probably change as Middleton is growing like most of the towns surrounding it.

Something else that came up last night in talking about fear was my fear of leaving Link by himself. I realized I can’t even say the word “leaving” without feeling anxious! We figured out I am kind of projecting my human emotions on to Link. I have been left. I have been abandoned and I don’t want him to experience that. A lot of times I fret about going places because I am afraid of how Link will feel without me. This kind of thing happened when I was married too. A lot of the reason we wouldn’t go and do things was because of my fear of leaving the dogs alone. I have to remember Link is a dog not a child!

Finally, it’s important to be able to discern the difference between a legitimate and illegitimate fear. This is when I look for the still small voice to speak up and guide me.

“Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” 1 John 3:18 NIV

Feel the fear and do it anyway” in the English Ordinal system equals 247 (process of light and shadow for left side of the brain all vices in check)

25 March 2021 Letting go

Hello to you, how are you? This morning began with some tears during a therapy session with my counselor. We were trying to find the root cause of the anxious feelings I have been having. The more talked it over with her, the more I am realizing that this condition has been an ongoing thing.

What brought me to tears was thinking about letting go of my husband and moving on with my life. I realize that my fear of driving is just a symptom of my not wanting to make my current residence a home. If I get familiar with this place and get to know my way around that means my marriage is truly over (which it is).

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” 1 Peter 5:7 NIV

I keep getting an “anxious belly” meaning I will think about something and I will feel it. I have been talking to my therapist about this for quite some time ad she says the only way to get over this is to go through what I am avoiding. I’m just not ready yet…..I am slow about this!

Letting go is more than just the context of what I’m writing here, it’s also about my life in general – to let go and let God. I say I believe and trust in God but my actions don’t always match up to that . In some ways I hold on so tight. It makes me think of riding on a roller coaster with my husband one time and how he said “It doesn’t matter how tight you hold on you aren’t in control.” You can say that about a life too. No matter how tight you hold on to your life, you aren’t entirely in control of it.

letting go” in the English Ordinal system equals 109 ( one resisting the unknown)

happy ” in the English Ordinal system equals 66

“It doesn’t matter how tight you hold on you aren’t in control.” ” in the English Ordinal system equals 661

24 March 2021 Effort

Hello to you, how are you doing today? I am doing pretty well. My day started off nicely with a visit with my Aunt and Uncle. They invited me over and we went out to breakfast and coffee at the Cracker Barrel. It felt like God answered my prayers to have a coffee buddy!

Something that I’ve noticed about praying for things is that there is usually effort involved in the actual answering part! The only thing effortless about praying is the praying! When you ask for something to happen the universe has to rearrange itself to comply with your request. You must use the powerful and positive energy of gratitude to encourage things along.

Sometimes what you are praying for requires an uneven exchange of energies. What you are asking for may just be at too great of a cost. It doesn’t mean to stop praying for someone who is terminally ill but you have to understand why that person might not get better. God always has a plan and sometimes we don’t like the plan. Look at the processes for treating terminal diseases like cancer, there seems to be a constant exchange involved. A giving and a taking…..ebb and flow. They give chemotherapy and or radiation and take diseased flesh and what is returned is hopefully healthy tissue.

I am reminded of the anime Full Metal Alchemist take on equivalent exchange:

Alchemy’s principal law is that of Equivalent Exchange. Equivalent Exchange is the principle that limits alchemy’s infinite potential. It’s a simple concept: something cannot be created from nothing, and so in order to obtain something, something else of equal value must be lost .

Fullmetal Alchemist: The Law of Equivalent Exchange, Explained (cbr.com)

all” in the English Ordinal system equals 25

law of equivalent exchange” in the English Ordinal system equals 250

effort” in the English Ordinal system equals 70 (all vices in check for unknown person, place and or thing)

brain” in the English Ordinal system equals 44

cancer” in the English Ordinal system equals 44

23 March 2021 Guidance

Hello to you, how are you ? I am doing ok today. I got Link out for a walk early and sought to hear God’s voice and all I heard was the wind!

Whether you turn to the right or to the left , your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it” Isaiah 30:21 NIV Bible Promises for You

It seems like I have been seeking more guidance from God and the harder I try the more difficult it has become. Talking to God used to be almost effortless. I have had to ask where is God really?! Is God in the wind? Is God in another persons voice? Is God in something to read?

I guess I am missing my manic relationship with God. When I was manic it felt like I was in a constant conversation with God and had to exert little to no effort. God was with me when I wanted to draw, write, sing, take photographs — all the ways I used to express myself God was there! I guess not being manic is the price my creative self is having to pay.

I have to believe that God has some sort of plan for me and what I’ve have been going through. Sometimes I wonder if what I’m going through is just God adding to my personal resume! God knows from my past that I will use my pain to help someone else. What I have learned from the past is we aren’t put through anything more than we can handle and what we go through can be used to connect more deeply with someone else.

Not many people know about what it means to be Bipolar and my family has had to learn a lot from me and what I have shared with them. God had me draw the mental health card for a reason and I will continue to seek guidance on where God’s voice is as I continue to go through that.

body” in the English Ordinal system equals 46

guidance” in the English Ordinal system equals 64

22 March 2021 Coffee Buddy

Hello, how are you ? It’s rainy and wet this morning but I didn’t let it stop me from going to get groceries!

This passage came to me this morning and and after reading it, I feel like it’s a perfect passage for what I am going through right now:

A Time for Everything Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

This past year I experienced a lot of things in this passage. One of the biggest being uprooted! I moved 1600 plus miles from Texas to Idaho. I am so grateful that I have had family here to help me.

Honestly it’s hard to figure out what God has planned for my time here on earth. Some days it feels like nothing makes sense; like there is no plan. Other times things will fall into place like there was a plan all a long! The in between time, the waiting part, can be so difficult.

What do I want for my time here on earth?! I think it’s simple things. A friend of mine asked me this morning what happy would look like for me and my answer was having a coffee buddy! It will be interesting to see how and when God manifests this!

people” in the English Ordinal system equals 69

coffee buddy” in the English Ordinal system equals 96 (no all vices in check but one)

21 March 2021 Whisper

Hello, how are you? It’s Sunday afternoon as I write to you. So far this day has been kind of confusing. This morning I was guided to Proverbs 22:11 so I got out of bed and found it in my Bible and after reading it had to wonder why I was lead to it:

“He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for his friend”

I asked one of my friends for his interpretation of what this meant and he said he thought it was about reputation and the company you keep. I just couldn’t see anything but the written word when I read it! May be the only reason I read it was for that very exchange I had with my friend?

Sometimes I wonder if I am trying too hard to hear God’s voice. I keep expecting a miracle or some large and grand gesture. May be the answer for my current circumstances can be found last night at church. The message was found in 1 Kings 9-19. It was about Elijah being in a cave hiding out and how God sometimes speaks in a whisper…..” What are you doing here, Elijah?”

For the past several months I feel like I have been in a sort of cave. I feel like I have been waiting to hear God’s voice to summon me out, “What are you doing there, Jackie?” I just have to be willing to “go from there” when it happens!

whisper” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (no for eternity) “Louder God, Louder!”

19 March 2021 Patience

Hello, how are you doing in your where and when as you visit me here? I hope you are well. We got some much needed rain this morning. The sound of it made me not want to get out of bed!

Last night my friend stopped by after work and she and I were talking about my blog post. She had a specific passage from the bible about God having good plans:

Jeremiah 29:11-13

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

When I read this I thought of the word patience and found this passage in Galatians about fruit of spirit:

Galatians 5:22-23

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Sometimes it takes a lot of patience when it comes to waiting for God to answer a prayer. I ask “Am I doing what you want me to be doing?” a lot! Lately my prayer has been “God I want to be what you want me to be.” For now my service has been being an additional source of prayer for some very sick people. Doing this is what I am capable of doing right now and I have to have faith that more will come when the time is right.

I love this passage because patience is woven all into it:

The Beatitudes Matthew 5

2 and he began to teach them. He said: 3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 5 Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. 6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. 7 Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. 8 Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. 9 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. 10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

patience” in the English Ordinal system equals 73 (all vices in check for yes, no, may be existence)

18 March 2021 Help

Hello to you, how are you today? I am doing alright. Even though it’s gray and overcast, it was nice for a walk with Link.

This morning I was asking for help writing to you today and I was lead to psalm 121:

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.

What a beautiful message about where to look for help. Lately I have been asking for God’s help. With more time on my hands, I have been lead to spend more time with God . I have seeking ways to be more useful and one way that came to me was praying for people but that doesn’t feel like enough.

This morning I wrote down, “God has a good plan for you.” Sometimes it takes awhile for a plan to made manifest and I must have patience!

Jackie” in the English Ordinal system equals 39

God has a good plan for you” in the English Ordinal system equals 239

17 March 2021 Quiet Faith

Hello, how are you ? It’s a beautiful day so far. I got Link out for his morning walk and that was good for me too!

Do you ever have mornings where you want to hear from God and all you get is is either silence or random noise? That happened to me today. So I turned to that little book from my Aunt, Bible Promises for You and found this:

Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1 NIV

Sometimes I think God’s voice is in the silence and that’s when we have to really call on our Faith.

I am trying to write every day and that has proven to be challenging. I keep wanting to hear from God in a big bold way and God doesn’t always work that way! God sometimes doesn’t speak at all. Sometimes silence is where you find the message .

body ” in the English Ordinal system equals 46

planet. ” in the English Ordinal system equals 68

Sometimes silence is where you find the message . ” in the English Ordinal system equals 468