18 February 2022 First Night Trying Doxepin To Sleep

February 18, 2022 by saymber, posted in animals, Bipolar life, drawing, dreams, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 18 February 2022 Friday chat (psalm 18) https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1302099821

It’s so frustrating when you want something to work and it doesn’t really!

Hello to you. How are you? It’s Friday….we made it! The sun is shining – yay! It’s been a long week.

Well last night I took Doxepin for a test drive to see if it would help me sleep. I started with one capsule and didn’t feel anything. I took another one and that seemed to help for a short while. I still ended up taking a Hydroxyzine which helped for a couple hours. So frustrating. Apparently doctors don’t like to prescribe Seroquel which I’ve heard people use for sleep: Seroquel and other antipsychotics are particularly dangerous for elderly patients and can lead to aspiration pneumonia, which is a common cause of death in elderly patients. Seroquel also causes significant excessive weight gain, which can be a factor in the development of Type 2 Diabetes.

So Anyhew…..I will keep pressing forward and hope I get enough sleep! I must have slept last night because I had a dream about my dog Spot. She came to me and I was holding her and just crying. I miss her so much. The only way we get to be together is in dreams.

The stream this morning was ok. In the Woman’s Spirit book the message had to do with control. That resonated with me as a I dealt with that issue much of my life. I learned from a very early age the the only thing I really had control of was my body. That’s what the anorexia and bulemia battles were about. I didn’t feel I had control of my life so I took control of my body. What I have had to learn is the tighter you hold on to what you can’t control the more power you give to what you dont want to be happening. It’s hard to let go of feeling like you have to be in control. I was the kind of person at work that would try to do everything because I didn’t trust in the abilities of those around me to get the job done right. I burned myself out big time and obstructed the way for those around me to learn what they needed to learn.

The other part of the stream was psalm 18 – boy was that a long one! I didn’t like it very much because it seemed to be a warrior talking about a battle and God helping him fight it. I don’t like war. In my opinion no one wins a war really. I think of all my fellow veterans and how many of them suffer from PTSD. Even if they are on the “winning side” they still lose so much of themselves. You can’t unsee the horrors of war. You can talk to God, go to church, take medication, go to therapy, exercise and have a healthy diet and still be tormented by what you have been through. Time and distance from what torments seems to be what really helps. Layers of time to bury the past. It frustrates me that there is so much war in the Bible specially when one of the 10 Commandments is thou shall not kill!

“The more I force things, the tougher my life.” – Helen Neujahr (A Woman’s Spirit)

“I don’t need to control anyone today. I am not insecure just as long as I let my Higher Power take charge of my affairs.” (A Woman’s Spirit)

17 February 2022 I Am With You

February 17, 2022 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 17 February 2022 Thursday chat (psalm 17) https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1300976426

Hello to you. How are you? I’m doing ok. We have another sunny day which is so nice! Last night I was up and down multiple times in the night. I took some Hydroxyzine and would sleep – it would wear off and I would wake up. Hopefully my doctor will call me today and prescribe something specifically for sleep. As I’ve mentioned before I was prescribed the Hydroxyzine for anxiety.

Last night I did something a little different than I normally do. I hadn’t taken any Hydroxyzine and was feeling anxious. I decided to watch the rebroadcast of Elevation Church’s Sunday service on Facebook- no weapon was the message: New International Version Isaiah 54:17
no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me,” declares the LORD. Pastor Steven Furticks message was powerful about this. The song I loved was this: https://youtu.be/m7O9jDf5wqM by Brook Ligertwood called Nineveh

Then before bed I found this recording that was very soothing: https://youtu.be/TVLMeKPhoXc – I will be with you…words I needed to hear. For me it’s “ I am with you .” No matter what is going on, I am with you. Who would guess that stories from the Bible could help anxiousness?!

I’m trying to find lasting methods to help me ease this chronic anxiety I’ve been feeling. My mind is willing to cooperate and listen but my body has been doing stuff lately. I’ll be sitting in church on Sunday and trying to focus on the message and my body will just start to act up. I will start to hyper focus on my breathing or other sensations going on in my body. A voice in the darkness will then say “ be present in this moment, stay here in the now.” My mind wants to be still and relaxed but it’s been hard to get my body to cooperate. Guess it’s just going to take more practice!

By making different choices I am being more conscious of my role in my own life. Something we talked about on the Twitch stream this morning is how important it is to have a strong relationship with the God of your understanding and also with yourself. This way when difficult times come your way you can weather those storms. I have been guilty of relying too much on the people, places and things of the world. When any of those things left me I became completely untethered and lost. People, places and things change and fade but God is everlasting and for so long as you live you have you!

“I am not to blame for anyone else’s problems today. Accepting blame was a habit. Cultivating a better attitude can be a habit too.” (A Woman’s Spirit)

Something fun I’ve been watching on Twitch is some role players on a channel called King Norcalius. Last night I asked a question and actually got a accurate answer – will I find love again? Check out 🔮Warriors of the Realm🔮 | Free readings with Orana🔮Soulbinder Ft. Granny Gertie👵 |⭐Improv! 🏹Fantasy! 🎭Roleplay! 📕Lore! https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1300518076

14 February 2022 Valentines

February 14, 2022February 14, 2022 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Health, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Television, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 14 February 2022 Monday Valentines Day chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1297901452

Hello to you. How are you today? Hope this finds you well. It’s Valentines Day. For some this is a very special day. The retail industry loves this holiday! My take on it is if you are in a relationship with someone that everyday is Valentine’s Day! Don’t ever take each other for granted. Don’t wait for a holiday to show your special somebody that you care. When I was married we didn’t celebrate Valentines. We felt the holiday was just too commercialized. To each their own!

Got good news yesterday. My Dad was in and out of surgery for his fractured hip! I was really surprised he got in so quickly! Thank you for your prayers. Now he just has to heal.

We had a nice day yesterday. My Aunt and Uncle joined me at church which was such a treat! They got there before me and had told the pastor and some others it was my birthday so when I showed up they wished me a happy birthday! They had a little bouquet of flowers for me. It just really meant a lot! The big point of the sermon really resonated with me: “we do what we can in order to enable us to do what we can’t .” So much of my day to day is pushing through – trying to focus on what I can do not what I can’t.

Later Link and I went over to my Aunt and Uncles. My cousin, who was also celebrating his birthday and his wife my dear friend was there. My Aunt made tamales and also made my chocolate pudding dessert! My Uncle grilled some elk steak on the grill. Later my cousins older grandkids stopped by and we all watched some of the Super Bowl. It was just really nice to be together! I’m so grateful to have loving family to celebrate these kinds of occasions with.

When I got home I was really anxious so I took Link on a walk. Then I went on another walk by myself. What was happening is I was getting sleepy and felt anxious thinking about trying to go to sleep. So frustrating! I finally did relax and watched the last quarter of the Super Bowl. My Uncle and I had spoken earlier about the LA stadium apparently it cost like 5 billion dollars to build! The LA stadium is practically in his backyard and so we had decided to pull for the Rams! It was nice to see them actually win.

“I will take time to notice the most important friends I have, my family. Each family member will get my love and kind thoughts today. “ (A Woman’s Spirit)

The weather has been nice. I was feeling restless so I got out and chalked a bit

11 February 2022 Pills and Dessert

February 11, 2022 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 11 February 2022 Friday morning chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1294588326

Hello to you. It’s Friday! We made it through another week. Sometimes that feels like a miracle.

I wanted to briefly talk about my experience with Hydroxyzine. It was prescribed to me to help me with anxiety but an beneficial side effect was drowsiness. When I took it I was able to relax and sleep. Well I had to get refills yesterday and they told me they changed manufacturers but assured me it was the same pill. NOPE! The new stuff doesn’t make me sleepy and the other night when I took it, it actually made me want to pace my house in the middle of the night! There is a difference between one manufacturer and another. My body noticed! Thankfully last night I just took my lithium and was able to sleep most of the night. I’m so tired of this but I’m not going to let it get me down.

The recipe can change just enough that you notice

I wanted to share with you my favorite birthday dessert- it sounds like my Aunt is making it for Sunday. My cousin and I will be celebrating our birthdays together!

Mom Schmidt’s chocolate dessert

Crust: mix 1/2 cup melted butter, 1 cup flour and 1/2 cup chopped nuts (optional) spread into a 9×13 pan and bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes. Let cool and then add

2nd layer: mix 1 cup powdered sugar, 1 cup Cool Whip and 8 oz cream cheese. Then add

3rd layer: 2 pkgs instant chocolate pudding, 3 cups milk and 1 tsp vanilla. Once this layer sets top this last layer with the remaining Cool Whip and nuts if desired. Chill and serve.

The message from A Woman’s Spirit book today was about developing your inner voice. How do you talk to yourself? Is your inner voice nurturing or a reflection of the critical voices you used to hear around you? I’ve been working on cultivating an inner voice that speaks to me like a best friend would. It takes time and effort to reprogram ourselves from our early programming – from our earliest selves.

“I can listen to a loving inner voice if I practice loving myself and others today.” (A Woman’s Spirit)

10 February 2022 Thursday

February 10, 2022 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 10 February 2022 Thursday morning chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1293499319

Hello to you. How are you doing today? I hope this finds you well.

My Twitch stream is short today as I have to conserve my WiFi minutes! Got a notice from my internet provider Sparklight yesterday that I had used up all my minutes. They were giving me more more minutes but charging me for them! I think my daily streams have been using a lot of it.

Today I talked a little bit about how we feed our heads….our souls. It was a reminder to myself about how what I read, watch and listen to shapes my souls perception of the world. An example is like watching the news sometimes. I usually avoid it because I don’t want to believe the world is going to shit! I want to believe there is good going on. My family and friends are testimony to that. Garbage in….garbage out.

Yesterday I spent some time listening to Thich Nhat Hanh talk about loneliness. His words really resonated when he talked about the importance of making a home within ourselves before trying to make one with someone else. Not too long ago I had a healing session with a friend and that was the message for me then too, “You are home.” The messages for the soul have many sources. Choose the sources wisely!

https://youtu.be/FoYKHy78oiw – Thich Nhat Hanh talk about Loneliness

“I will love the people in my life today. They are here with me now because that is God’s assignment for me.” (A Woman’s Spirit)

8 February 2022 Tuesday

February 8, 2022 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Science (Keshe Foundation and other innovations), Social media, Television, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 8 February 2022 Tuesday morning chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1291287593

Hello to you. How are you today? I hope this finds you well. Today is off to a fine start. There is lovely sunshine again today – so grateful for that. My stream was kind of lonely this morning but that happens. The past couple days I’ve had not so nice people show up and this morning I was able to ban one of them. I know how to do it now!

Last night I watched an interesting program on You tube called In Search Of starring actor Zachary Quinto: https://youtu.be/OTa8jePn8iI the episode I’ve linked is about super humans. Zachary talked to these three men who each had super abilities. One man exerted over 500 pounds of pressure to bend a car door to save someone. Another man was a Shaolin monk who could break a stick with his head without hurting himself and the last man is like one of 40 in the entire world that doesn’t feel pain. What was interesting is how much of what was going on is an inside job – what the mind does. Zachary himself was tested. During one test he and the three men had their brains scanned when putting their hands inside a bowl of ice water. Zachary’s scan showed that when he meditated he was able to block pain. A lot of what is going on in our lives has to do with what we think!

Something I learned through my Quantum Touch training is if for example I bumped my leg to take deep breaths – to breath through the area experiencing pain instead of focusing so much on how it hurt. When I was able to do that I noticed less severe bruising. The natural reaction when we are physically hurt is to focus on the area we are hurt. Again, like the program I described, it’s an inside job. It really takes a lot of practice to train our brains to do what we want them to do. This is something I struggle with most every day!

A couple good messages from A Woman’s Spirit book today:

“What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other.” George Eliot

“My purpose is to help someone else today. If I think someone is causing me a problem, perhaps I should address my attitude.”

7 February 2022 Monday

February 7, 2022 by saymber, posted in animals, Bipolar life, drawing, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 7 February 2022 Monday morning chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1290210941

Hello to you. Hope this finds you well. I’m trying to get myself grounded after the stream this morning. We had a troll get in the first go around! It happens. You just can’t let them ruin your day. After the third try we got it. I talked about some serious topics. One of them was about coping with loss. The way I used to deal with it was shopping but after our Sam died I realized there was nothing on this earth I wanted more than Sam! You can’t put tangible things in the space of the intangible. It’s like light in a black hole. That’s why it’s important to have a strong relationship with the God of your understanding…..spirituality.

The battle for sleep continues. I’m going through the Hydroxyzine like it’s nothing. I think needing to lose weight is what part of my problem is. So I’m going to try and do little things to be more active. Yesterday Link and I went on a longer walk into town. He was panting and my leg aches but we made it! I have some weights I can use – just do something! May be being more active would help with anxiety too.

A good little message from A Woman’s Spirit today:

“ I write my script today. Who I choose to be is in my power. My past performance doesn’t determine my present personality.”

4 February 2022 What brings us Together

February 4, 2022 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Food, human rights, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Music, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 4 February 2022 Friday morning chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1286643827

Hello. How are you? How is your day going so far? We have lovely sunshine this morning and I got some sleep last night. Lots to be grateful for!

The Twitch stream this morning was interesting. We talked a lot about food and I shared a couple recipes. I have one viewer that loves to joke about potatoes because I’m from Idaho. We agreed that it’s food and music that brings us together. Both of them use more than one sense to enjoy. Eating and listening to music is a multi-sensory experience and are things common to all walks of life. We fight about most everything else don’t we?!

A new viewer joined us and shared a story about his brother being bullied and beat up and we talked for a long time about that subject! This particular viewer was from England. Bullies go way back! I was bullied at school. I think it’s all too common a thing that happens in the science experiment that is public school. Being a bully is taught and learned. Now with all sorts of social media and video game platforms this kind of behavior has migrated there. The phrase “sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me” isn’t really true in a modern digital world. Words do hurt.

Last night I called my Aunt ad I was feeling lonesome and kind of anxious about trying to go to sleep. We talked and she recommended this psalm that she said she reads to my Uncle if he is having trouble sleeping:

Psalm 23New International Version

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

¹The Lord is my shepherd,^(A) I lack nothing.^(B)
²    He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,^(C)
³    he refreshes my soul.^(D)
He guides me^(E) along the right paths^(F)
    for his name’s sake.^(G)
⁴Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,^[a]^(H)
I will fear no evil,^(I)
    for you are with me;^(J)
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵You prepare a table^(K) before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;^(L)
my cup^(M) overflows.
⁶Surely your goodness and love^(N) will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

2 February 2022 Wednesday

February 2, 2022 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 2 February 2022 Wednesday morning chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1284406575

Hello to you. How are you? Feeling a little bleary eyed. I slept but feel like I could have slept a little longer! I was laying there and my body just wouldn’t let me go back to sleep.

Picked up my new glasses yesterday. I’m pretty pleased with them! The place I got them was Family Eye Care Specialist. They had s package deal where if you chose one of their frames all you had to do was pay for the lenses. What’s also nice is they are within walking distance. It felt good to get a nice walk in.

It’s nice to be able to see at a distance more clearly again!

Todays message in the Woman’s Spirit book I read out of for my streams was a little different. It was talking about God in the feminine. When I was active in the AA program, it was emphasized that you have a Higher Power. It didn’t matter if it was a tree but it was important to have a relationship with a loving force outside of yourself to help you achieve sobriety. For many of the people I knew in the program the traditional Bible God was their Higher Power. It was important to have that relationship outside of yourself because you were the one who got yourself in the mess in the first place! When I think of God I think of energy….a “they” versus a he or she. God is everything.

Something that I think about with my concept of God is they are not limited to the duality that seems to permeate our existence. In order to be God they can’t be limited to the same things we are. God is not bound to a body with all the rules and limitations we are. They can see every side of everything known to existence. If you ask why something happened they have the answer. They can see forward and backward to infinity. Every piece of existence at their disposal. The God I know and love “just is.” Sometimes when I get to wondering if they are there I just have to ask and I’m shown indeed they are there! I’ll be crying and suddenly will feel this warmth like arms wrapping around me.

So I don’t think God is just good or bad. God just is. People like to blame God for all the bad things that happen. I think it’s easier to blame God than it is to take responsibility for their actions either as an individual or as a collective species. Everything, even a blade of grass has a plan for it. We make choices and there is a cumulative affect. I am beginning to think the plan there is for each of us is like a blueprint but the final product is up to us and our choices….that free will part of the equation! It’s like we are born with a plan, a blueprint for what we can be but we may or may not complete the design. So many factors are at work that determine if we will achieve our full potential.

Anyhew lol- can you tell I like riddling around with matters of the spirit? Hopefully something here will spark a thought in you. I’d love to hear if you have any thoughts.

1 February 2022 Tuesday

February 1, 2022 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 1 February 2022 Tuesday morning chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1283369641

Hello to you. I hope this finds you well. It’s hard to believe it’s the first of the month already!

Had a good stream by myself this morning. The people that have been showing up weren’t there. In the daily meditation book I like to read from, A Woman’s Spirit, there was a good message for me to talk about. It was about what we do when chaos in its many forms shows up. We have a choice in these times. What I struggle with is going into panic mode when bad things happen. I feel powerless and not in control which is incredibly difficult for me. In these times it’s important to remember things happen in this life that we can’t control and it’s how we choose to go through those things that shapes the final outcome.

I can remember when my mom found out she had cancer and had to go through chemotherapy. She chose to go through all that with a positive attitude! She was such an inspiration the people at the hospital wanted her to speak to other patients! She made a conscious decision not to let the cancer crush her spirit – her will to live.

“Every person I meet today is in my life by design. What I give to or learn from others helps each of us to grow.” (A Woman’s Spirit)