Hello to you, how are you? I’m doing ok. Today’s topic is courtesy of a friend as she is struggling, like many of us are, to define what her new normal is. So much of what we used to do without thinking about it has changed. Like I heard from my cousin that her daughter had to schedule a spot to visit the zoo! We used to be able to just go and visit the zoo. We used to be able to just go shopping, eat out , get a haircut , go to a movie and various other things without a second thought. Now we have to find out if places are open and if they are open what are their procedures for being open.
I honestly don’t think things will ever be the way they were before this pandemic happened. Part of me is wondering if the pandemic has given us a new reverence for “normal” when we can have it. May be we don’t take things for granted as much.
“Normalcy” in the English Ordinal system equals 101 (one unknown person, place or thing to one) I look at this being like a two blacksmiths at an anvil working on one piece of metal.
Hello to you and how are you? It’s been a couple days since I have written again. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly the days slip past me this time of year.
The subject that has me preoccupied right now is the election. I didn’t get my absentee ballot requested fast enough so I didn’t get to vote. God must have known I couldn’t make up my mind on who to vote for. I have been following live feeds on Youtube. It seems like Joe Biden is winning but there is nothing official yet. May the best man win.
May the doors that need to open, open. May the doors that need to shut, shut. Amen”” in the English Ordinal system equals 779 (all the vices in check for a no process)
I decided to see what election day came up to in the numbers:
“election day” in the English Ordinal system equals 113 (of course a 13) (one one yes, no, may be)
Do you ever feel like having a good memory is both a blessing and a curse? Right now I am feeling like it is a curse of sorts. I want to move forward with my life but memories keep popping up that drag me backwards. When I get dragged backwards it’s a very visceral experience and a lot of times I feel it on a physical level. This is ironic because for so long I was lending my support to a program called Music and Memory! As of right now, I am unable to listen to much music now! So many songs I liked to listen to are connected to memories of the past 12+ years.
Is this why people smoke, drink and or do illegal drugs?!!!!
So I am going to ask a question in the numbers and see what comes out:
“Is having a good memory a blessing or a curse?” in the English Ordinal system equals 408 (left side of the brain, with people, place and or object in between in eternity and or the race track of life existence. Could the object be the brain or the memory?)
“four zero eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 173 (one all vices in check yes, no, may be existence)
“one seven three” in the English Ordinal system equals 155 (one all of the senses for light and shadow self)
“one five five” in the English Ordinal system equals 118 (one and one separated in eternity and or the racetrack of life existence)
“one one eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 117 (one and one separated all vices in check)
one one seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (one yes, no may be for the light and shadow self)
“one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one left side of brain all vices in check but one 46=Body)
“curse” in the English Ordinal system equals 66 (all vices in check but one both light and shadow of self)
“blessing” in the English Ordinal system equals 87 (eternity all vices in check)
“memory” in the English Ordinal system equals 89 (eternity and “nein” and or no existence)
“music” in the English Ordinal system equals 65 (all vices in check but one with all the senses)
Hello to you. How are you today? This morning I am still processing what happened yesterday. I went out and spent a few hours with husband and his family for Memorial Day. Kyle and I had the talk I been dreading for us to have but it was necessary. Spot sat between us. The past four years have just proven to be more than Kyle can take. He is also trying to progress in a career where he is going to be gone a lot. I may not be financially high maintenance but emotionally I can be. I’m kind of like a dog with separation anxiety to be honest. I don’t do well being by myself too long. So he’s doing what is best for himself and ultimately I think this will be good for me too I just can’t see it yet. I think things are going to be alright. With everything that has happened between us the past few years, our friendship remains intact and that means the world to me! I got to spend time with Spot too and she seemed much more relaxed than I’ve seen her in a long time which is a good thing.
25 May 2020 – beautiful Spotty in her first bed
At about 3 pm Tim played TAPS. It reminded me of when we had all gone to Arlington National Cemetery and he and his family played.
25 May 2020 Tim Played TAPS in honor of Memorial Day
25 May 2020 Beth Tim Kyle and Cole
We played a few rounds of Yahtzee and of course I didn’t win! It was fun to spend some time together like that. I am blessed to have such understanding people as family.
25 May 2020 – Yahtzee!
25 May 2020 – handsome Henry. He and Link are always fighting over Kyle’s Mom Beth!
How are you today? I’m doing pretty good. It’s a wet Memorial Day. They say it’s going to be like this all day. I guess it’s a fitting thing that it be raining on this somber holiday. In the past couple of years, my husband and honored this holiday by going to our local cemetery. Instead of doing that this year, I will be going to spend some time with my husband, his family and of course Spotty. Last night before bed I was imagining saying hello to her and being so excited!
Our Spotty Girl – I miss her
Memorial Day” in the English Ordinal system equals 116
“a remembrance” in the English Ordinal system equals 98
“together” in the English Ordinal system equals 98
Remembering, like I mentioned in my post yesterday, is a mixed thing. It can be a helpful skill and as my husband used to day about his having a great memory, it can be a curse. I am struggling with the curse part right now. When I remember things it is such a visceral experience that it hurts. In our current times I’m sure I’m not alone. On this day I can guess there are many who wish they didn’t have to remember what today is about! My heart goes out to anyone reading this that can relate to that.
Goals for today:
Today I will rest in gratitude that I am here and yet able to remember. Today I will give thanks for what and who I have in my life. Today I will have hope that today and the tomorrows yet to come will be filled with great new memories.
Hello to you. How are you doing today? I’m finding myself in a better place this morning. I feel grateful to be making it to another day in the circumstances I find myself in. I am trying to remain grateful.
Last night I had another battle with anxiety. What happens is I start thinking too far ahead or ruminating on all the uncertainties in front of me and things I can’t control. Then I start to get that extremely uncomfortable anxious feeling in my gut. Relief has come from physical exertion and doing normal things. I am having to relearn what normal things are for myself right now. I find there are a lot of things I used to do that I just can’t bring myself to do right now.
I really feel like I am really having a test in my life right now with the concept of mindfulness. That concept of staying in the present moment.
I am having to ask myself internally a lot, “what can you do about it and if the answer is nothing right now why are you dwelling on it?” Something my husband used to do for me and now I’m having to do for myself is to remind myself that worrying about things doesn’t do any good. It’s usually easier said than done he’s right.
The pandemic is still here in Texas but they have really started to lift restrictions so places can open back up. I went to get groceries yesterday at our local Brookshire’s and some of the shelves were cleared out! One of the biggest areas that was cleared was the aisle with cleaning supplies – nothing but concentrated Clorox for example. I can tell they are having trouble keeping some things stocked up right now. I’m just grateful to be able to get the basics right now.
Well I hope however this blog finds you that you are well. Everybody is telling me that I’m strong and that I will get through all that’s going on. I’m just learning to take a few steps at a time and having a lot of faith.
Hello to you. It’s early in the morning and I cannot sleep any more right now. I figured I might as well write a few lines. Yesterday was a tough day for me but not unexpected. It seems things are going to be changing for my family. My family is fixing to get smaller and bigger at the same time.
For my readers of this blog who have been with me a long time, you know this blog is a tool for me to help me sort things out both good and bad going on in my life. Thank you in advance for reading and your support!
Yesterday I found out that my husband has decided it’s time for us to go our separate ways. We both agreed that the way the past four years have been for us, especially him, we can go no further together. This means a lot of changes for our little family. The timing for this isn’t the greatest in light of what’s going on in the the world around us and I’m very sad this is happening. The bottom line though is we are parting ways as friends. I care for and plan to always care for him and his family. We just aren’t going to be husband and wife anymore.
Let our story be a cautionary tale for those reading out there who have the Bipolar label, have family who is Bipolar, are married or are considering marrying someone like me who is Bipolar. This is the second marriage that this condition, not properly treated and maintained has destroyed for me. I take a large part to blame for the failure of this marriage.
There is one word that leaps out the most from this journey and that is denial.
For so many years I tried to live with my husband in such a way that made my labels were not a part of the equation. Ultimately that just made it worse. When you have this condition or any of the other labels I’ve put on myself like being a highly sensitive/porous/spiritual person, you have to have a proper treatment plan. I didn’t do my part to the full extent I should have.
It will be really important that that during the transition I am about to make, I still will be able to have access to the care to have proper treatment.
I have decided once we get everything resolved here, especially the selling of this house, Link and will be headed West to join my family in Idaho. It’s going to be a long journey, but it sounds like I will have help getting there.
I am blessed to have amazing family and friends both his and mine who have immediately stepped up for both of us about this. I know it’s not going to be easy but I am having to really go to a new place from denial and that is faith. I will have to have a stronger faith that for whatever reason this is happening now, it’s going to be ultimately for a better life for all of us in the future.
Hello to you. How are you doing today? I’m doing ok. If I’m honest, I woke up missing my husband and my dog Spot but I know this is a temporary condition. We will be together again soon. I also woke up remembering it’s Mother’s Day and started thinking about what that means to me.
There are many different kinds of Mom’s in todays world. In our modern world the title of Mom has extended beyond sex and, sexual orientation. When I was at JPS, there were many male nurses who filled a maternal role for me while I was there. One of them even had the same name as my husband and the other my brother-in-law!
For me, Mom or Mother is not just a title for a woman. For me it is also about what someone does for another person or being. For example, many pet owners like myself consider ourselves pet parents. I consider myself a Mom to Link and Spot. Sometimes not a very good one but I try! We don’t always speak the same language!
15 Feb 2020 Spot and Link – I was dreaming about her last night
The people I consider Mom’s in my life are those people that just have a knack for knowing what to say, what to do, how to talk to me in any given situation. They have an natural instinct for nurturing and helping in matters of the heart.
People like my Dad, my husband, my stepmom, mother and father-in-laws and my Aunt all have at one time or another taken on the role of Mom for me. Their love and care for me has in most cases been nearly unconditional. They mean so much to me!
I have to be honest and say in many ways even my girl Spot has even been more like a mother to me than me to her! I call her my dog ma lol. She has been a Mother dog figure to Link in ways I could not.
I keep thinking at my age I shouldn’t need a Mom like I used to but I do. The question is do we ever stop needing our Mom’s whatever shape, form, and relationship they come in? It doesn’t seem like it for me!
What does still needing a Mom figure say about me? Am I immature or is it an indicator that I am still growing? Does this mean I’m still teachable? Does this mean I am still a person who doesn’t have all the answers? Does this mean I still need the loving wisdom beyond myself to keep me grounded in this world? I think the answer to all of these is yes.
“Mother” in the English Ordinal system equals 79 (rotate, words, lifetime, affection, listen, remember, watches, super, loving, singing, life of a bard)
“a Mom” in the English Ordinal system equals 42 (this is neat because 42 also means self)
Source: Internet Sometimes I feel like this lol and it’s not what my Mom’s have said or done, it’s all me!
Hello to you. How are you doing? I hope this finds you well in your world. In my world today is about faith, celebrating and reflecting on 12 years of marriage. A big part of this journey has been about taking leaps of faith both big ones and small.
I believe, and it has been my experience that every person that comes into your life teaches you things. My husband has taught me a bunch of things like having faith in people, places and things that may have failed you. It’s everything from the milk you buy at the store to people in your life. A person that has failed him, especially these past couple of years has been me. The road we’ve been traveling has been very bumpy. Being married to someone diagnosed at bipolar can make marriage very difficult. There is a lot of thinking you know someone and then you don’t know them at all. You can’t see what being bipolar is except through behavior.
To look back at the past 12 years, our whole relationship has been leaps of faith.
Our shared past is full of huge leaps of faith! He took a huge one flying out to meet me the first time after we met as two video game avatars, Prinzessa and Efess in FFXI (a MMORPG) in the Valkrum Dunes. Shortly after we married, he had to stand by me when I had a hysterectomy which meant we wouldn’t have children in our marriage. We both took another giant leap when we chose to move ahead of the family to Texas waiting to hear if his Dad landed a job. Choosing to become homeowners instead of lifelong renters was big jump for us. All the little jumps like the things he and I did together by helping neighbors, getting involved in the planning of the city and helping out with Animal Control. Looking back, very little has come easily to us but when we’ve taken the chance, it’s been worth it!
“leap of faith” in the English Ordinal system equals 99
“thirteen” in the English Ordinal system equals 99
(both my husband and I were born on the 13th)
If you look at the word faith, it’s about believing in something and or someone you can’t always see. Some people have a faith in an institution like their church of choice, government or health system, some have faith in an object, others a person and for many it’s having faith in a God they cannot see.
“faith” in the English Ordinal system equals 44
“brain” in the English Ordinal system equals 44
“tend the garden of marriage daily” in the English Ordinal system equals 269 – God and people right in this!
God” in the English Ordinal system equals 26
people” in the English Ordinal system equals 69
I am hoping that we have many years before us. I am so grateful he is my husband! His parents and mine, our grandparents and so many before have lead what it means to be married by their example. No matter how tough things get, you can still work things out. I am hoping and praying that what is ahead will be worth all that we’ve already been through together thus far.
This is a story about a Princess who was saved by her dog named Link. Everyone is a Princess in their own castle if you stop and think about it. I have shared this story here before but the blog got deleted. In light of recent events, it felt like a good time to share it again. This is positive story when we need more of those.
So this story really began on 18 April 2014 when I, the sad and lonely Princess, was out walking in the fields down the street from our house. I found half of a Christmas ornament! The ornament said, ‘Ase Pa Vlla Nakni’ of Oklahoma. I had to look this up on the internet to find out what it meant. The Choctaw language loosely translated, it was about the arrival of a male child. Much to my delight and surprise, a couple of days later I found the other half of the same Christmas ornament at the entrance to our neighborhood. The top half had a picture of a little drummer boy and said ‘The Choctaw Nation.’
7 May 2020 Choctaw ornament I found before Link was born
I, the Princess, wrote a song about this:
I will not waiver
I will not fear
I will not cry or shed a tear
For you are here You are here
You love me and I love you
The future is blooming
For us to see as one, as one
You are here
Now my first thought was that my friend, another Princess, named Erin might be pregnant because she is part Choctaw but come to find out, her Princess, Tippie, a female maltese was expecting puppies instead!
We had told Erin that if Tippie ever had a little boy that we would consider adopting and sure enough on 9 December 2019 God smiled and Tippie gave birth to not one but three little Princes! We got to choose from the three and chose the odd ball with a panda face and darker coloring. Kyle chose the name which was both for his love of The Legend of Zelda video game character and our “link” to our friends Billy and Erin.
Baby picture of Link
Now what’s so special about this story is for three years prior to all this we had been grieving the loss of our cocker spaniel Sam. I had been begging God to bring our Sammy back and in God’s time, there was an answer! God seemed to say, “I’ll give you not one but three boys to choose from!”
The Christmas of his arrival, Link came to our town for the first time with his family and it was of course love at first sight! It was so hard to part but for my birthday on 13 February we went to Oklahoma and brought him home for good. His arrival healed both of our hearts.
In so many ways he has helped me face this journey of life and helps me know that I am not alone. Link is not just a hero in video games but a hero in my life.
The hero of our story
5 May 2020 Link and I on walk Parkway Park Alvarado TX
To be 