Hello to you. I hope this finds you well. Today’s prompt isn’t easy for me to answer. It should be after all Joy is literally my middle name! There isn’t one habit that springs to mind that brings me genuine joy. Ever since the divorce and changing from Lithium to Depakote feeling genuine emotion has been hard for me. Sometimes it feels like I am an actress playing a part of a human being. Prior to what happened to me about three years ago, I was a very emotional person. Tears and belly laughs came to me easily and that’s just not the case anymore. I have become a very serious person in my old age. I miss the silly and youthful woman I used to be!
The things that use to bring me joy and fulfillment aren’t a part of my life now. I use to crochet, make wire jewelry, experiment in my kitchen, draw, write poems and short stories, take lots of pictures, spend time with nature, sing and dance. The only things I still do is this blog and from time to time is take nature pictures! I guess I just haven’t found a way to completely fill the void getting divorced left in me. Loving Jesus is gradually healing me but it’s taking time! He is the great physician and I know in his time he will restore me to my best self again.
Picture from a walk with my cousin Laura a couple years ago
James 4:8-10New International Version
8 Come near to God and he will come near to you.Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts,you double-minded. 9 Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom.10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
Hello to you. Hope this finds you well. It’s another hot day here in Idaho as I write to you – 91 degrees! I walked about a mile this morning after I got up. I’m trying to walk every day and offset the side effects of the medication I’m taking. Both the Depakote and Olanzapine are known to contribute to weight gain. I need to lose about 100 lbs! I’m tired of carrying all this extra weight.
I wanted to share a praise about how I felt yesterday. I haven’t felt that good in over a month! I finally got relief from anxiety! The Olanzapine (generic Zyprexa) has been making all the difference. The side effect of drowsiness has lead me to restful naps and sleep at night. I hope this lasts!
Oh! I had a very vivid short dream about mosquitos last night. I dreamt some really big ones landed on me and my trying to stop one that had a body that was like a syringe from some man’s neck. When I went to flick it away, some of the fluid in its body got in my mouth – that woke me up! It was like a genetically modified insect. Weird dream! I wonder where that came from?!! I think it’s from hearing about huge mosquitos at the detention center in Florida.
A prayer:
Dear Lord Jesus I pray for this world and all of the life within it. I pray for all the sick, the hungry, the poor and those who are lost in this world because they don’t know you or refuse to surrender to your loving care. I pray for all the lives human beings share this world with and that there can be an end to cruelty and neglect of our fellow animal brothers and sisters. I ask all this in your precious name Jesus. Amen.
Are there any activities or hobbies you’ve outgrown or lost interest in over time?
Hello to you! How are you? I hope this finds you well in your life. In answer to today’s prompt I would have to say that drawing and writing poetry are things I seldom do anymore. I used to spend hours drawing and writing poems came to me very easily. With the medication I’m on to treat Bipolar, Depakote, I am blocked from doing these things. If I do attempt to do them it’s forced and just not very good! I miss being creative in those ways but would rather have my sanity!
I watched this scene from the first season of The Chosen the other night and it brought me to tears:
I found myself thinking about what an amazing thing it must have been to be healed by Jesus. To have him put his hands around my head and look me in my eyes – for him to know me by name! This is the part of me longing for a tangible God! I often think why people don’t follow Jesus is because he isn’t here on earth – tangible. Hollywood movie stars and musicians often fill the void only meant for Jesus – they can be seen, touched and heard. Think of the craze Elvis and The Beatles caused in their day! Right now Jonathan Roumie is doing a fine job of filling the role of Jesus and he takes it very seriously but has said more than once he is not Jesus Christ no matter how much fans want him to be him. He is a servant. His portrayal of Jesus has helped me more than once. It was him I turned to a 4th of July a couple years ago when I was nearly driven to run out of my house and yell at neighbors lighting fireworks all around me. Jesus wasn’t with me tangibly but one of his servants, Jonathan, was when I was calm enough to seek him out. Someday Jesus will tangibly reveal himself to the world and I might not live to see it. I will hopefully see him in heaven if I don’t get to meet him here on earth.
Mark 16:9New International Version
[The earliest manuscripts and some other ancient witnesses do not have verses 9–20.]
9 When Jesus rose early on the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene,out of whom he had driven seven demons.
Hello to you. How are you? I’m doing well even though this world seems so crazy right now. Last night I experienced Tik Tok going dark and today it being back on. So nuts! A bunch of us went to an app called Favorite and others Clapper – so many their servers couldn’t handle it. Tomorrow Donald Trump will be sworn in and already things are changing and happening. I don’t know if I should be excited or scared!
I forced myself to go to church this morning. Some days it’s really hard for me! I’m always glad after I go it’s just the getting up and going. Today’s message came out of Colossians – all the things that Jesus is in the world. Pastor Jayson used clearing the windshield as an example of what Paul is doing in his writing. The past couple of Sundays and other gatherings have been trying to reach me – teach me. We are living testimonies of Jesus in the world and not meant to just be seat warmers on Sunday. We as Christians are meant to be examples of Jesus’s love in the world. Right now, as I look at my life, I feel like there is more I should be doing to be that example. Sometimes I feel the 12 years of being a pagan slipping in. I feel like my faith and practice is shallow- I feel almost like a fraud! There is work to be done and I’m reluctant to do it. I am going to a Bible study with my Aunt and go to a prayer meeting each Thursday and that helps.
Ever since I have been back on Depakote to treat my Bipolar symptoms – especially the mania- I don’t have deep feelings. My emotions don’t feel authentic. I used to feel things very deeply and now I don’t hardly have feelings at all! Depakote is one of the best medications for Bipolar but I hate what it has done to me as side effects! I still haven’t cried about my Dads passing over a year ago! It’s such a fragile balance between being “normal” and being too emotional – manic. What I’ve been going through is why many stop taking their meds. When I tell people I love them I don’t feel it like I used to. It feels like just words. How can I be an example of Jesus’s love in the world and be this way?! I feel like I am pretending and not authentically being. I am surrounded by such authentic Christians and I feel like I’m just trying to fit in! I have a tattoo of a chameleon on my right arm and it sometimes feels like I am such a being. I’m trying to fit in to a life that feels like I’m pretending sometimes.
I have been talking to Jesus about all of this. Last night we talked about how he is the only man in my life that will never leave me. Two marriages have ended because of my being Bipolar. I am going to be 57 this next month and the older I get the less likely it will be that I have another flesh and blood man in my life. The older I get the less I even want the complications of someone else’s life in mine! I just need to keep praying and remain open to where I am lead. I want to be a positive example of Christ in this world with the time I have left. I just want to feel it and not just go through the motions! May be by my sharing what I’m going through I am fulfilling Jesus’s purpose in my life. I can’t give up – I know that!
I hope my words in this message help someone besides just me!
Colossians 1:15-23New International Version
The Supremacy of the Son of God
15 The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. 16 For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. 17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18 And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. 19 For God was pleasedto have all his fullness dwell in him, 20 and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peacethrough his blood, shed on the cross.
21 Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of[a] your evil behavior. 22 But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— 23 if you continue in your faith, established and firm, and do not move from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant.
Hello to you! Hope this finds you well. So much of the world seems to be in some sort of calamity. I sometimes feel guilty for having such a good life. May be God is giving me a break from calamities and drama!
Todays prompt is thought provoking. As I review my current life, I think I could be more active. I have been trying to lose weight and the scale is just not budging. I think that’s because cutting back how much I’m eating and what I’m eating is not enough. Part of the problem is the medication I’m on. Depakote is known for contributing to weight gain. I’ve been thinking about getting a treadmill or stationary bike to help me be more active. The only problem is I live in a very small home and would have to make room for these items. I walk Link once a day and have been thinking about starting to walk an additional lap after I get him around once. It’s been about 2 almost 3 years since I’ve been able to walk a lot like I used to. Something happened to my system when the police tased me! I haven’t been the same since. I really believe they short circuited my system. I have had to push through and some days it’s so hard. My Aunt and I talked about this yesterday. I want Jesus to heal me as there is no cure for what is going on with me. She made a prayer card for me – everything helps! I think of the episode of The Chosen where I think of when James asks Jesus why he hasn’t healed him :
I keep thinking he could heal me but for some reason he hasn’t. Is it like with James? Would I become like I was before surrendering myself to his care? Would I need him less? Is there something he wants to do through me just as I currently am? So many questions I have for him some day when I meet him face to face!
What is one thing you would change about yourself?
Hello to you. Hope this finds you well. Today has been uneventful. I am feeling a little better after catching another cold. There was talk about something happening today with regard to space people but of course nothing happened! I am thinking something is brewing with the increase in sightings. I am thinking it has to do with the increasing unrest going on in the world – Sabre rattling about using nukes. If I was a space person watching all of what’s going on I think I would want to intervene too!
My answer to today’s prompt is if I could change one thing about myself I would not be Bipolar. Having this diagnosis has really limited me in so many ways. I have lost two marriages and many friendships and relationships with family. I lost a career because of this condition. The only good thing to ever come of being Bipolar was the wellspring of energy and creativity during the times I was manic. I would hardly sleep and my creative abilities seemed endless. I could draw, paint, sing, write, take awesome photos, dance, tap into the spiritual realms – all of this with little to no effort. Having the mania under control with the medication I’m on – Depakote- I can’t do much of anything anymore. This blog is my only outlet! In addition to Bipolar I have the Mal de barque syndrome where I have trouble with balance. I’m convinced it was triggered by my being tased by police when I was having a manic episode two years ago. It just won’t go away! So I guess there are actually two things I wish I could change!
Since I cannot change what I am, I have to push through with it all. I have to force myself to move forward even if I don’t want to. I pray a lot and ask for healing. I am trying to say yes more often when I would usually say no. One of the side affects of Depakote is weight gain and not feeling full after eating. With the balance challenges it’s hard to exercise to get rid of calories but I force myself to get a walk in with Link each day. I’m trying to lower my calorie count too. I am trying to say no more often to eating sweets which is my favorite type of food! Not all of what I am can be blamed on being Bipolar! I wish I could get back to size 16 jeans again. Obesity runs in my Dads side of the family so my genetics are kind of stacked against me along with my diagnosis.
Some scripture about change:
Ecclesiastes 3:1-2“To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot”.
Isaiah 43:18-19“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?”.
Psalm 30:5“Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning”.
Romans 8:28“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose”.
2 Corinthians 5:17“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”.
Hebrews 13:8“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever”.
Malachi 3:6“I the Lord do not change. So you, the descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed”.
James 1:17“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows”.
Ephesians 4:22-24“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness”.
Hello to you. It’s been awhile since I’ve written to you. Not much new has been going on here with me. I just got back from a walk around the block and it was cooler. It’s starting to feel like fall already! The sunset is earlier and the temperatures are dropping. I’m not complaining! The only thing I haven’t liked about fall is cleaning up the leaves from my neighbors trees. Since I had one of them cutback it shouldn’t be as bad this year.
Leaves crinkling and curling
Breezes cooling sending them swirling
The skies are filled with birds traveling south
The beauty of the sight evokes awe from my mouth
Ever since I’ve gotten back on Depakote my creativity has gone away. It’s the sacrifice I’ve had to make for sanity! I miss the good parts of the highs or mania. It seemed like I had endless energy, thoughts and ideas. I don’t miss not being able to sleep and the endless chatter of inhabiting spirits. I have been stabile for over a year now and I’m grateful. Now if I could just lose the weight I’ve gained and stop feeling like a weeble wobble in my head I’d be all set!
What change, big or small, would you like your blog to make in the world?
Hello to you. How are you? I’m just off of a video conference with my medicine doctor. We are doing some changes to accommodate for sleep and weight gain. He thinks we need to switch out the olanzapine for Haldol and he wants to add Ambien as needed at night for sleep. I keep waking up in the night. Last night it was 11, 1 and 4 am! We are still seeking the right combination.
What kind of influence do I hope for by doing this blog? My hope has always been that if I reach and help at least one person – even if it’s just me – then I have accomplished my mission! There are a lot of people in the world like me that feel alone and bereft of any kind of support. Look at what Sinead O’Connor went through while she was alive? !! Then she dies mysteriously and the world all the suddenly cares! Her story is an all too common one for people diagnosed with mental illness. Love and try to understand – be empathetic and compassionate while the person is here among the living! Don’t wait til they are gone. In many cases too soon!
1 Peter 5:7New International Version
7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Write about a random act of kindness you’ve done for someone.
Hello to you. How are you? I’m feeling pretty good. I spoke with my doctor yesterday and we worked out a plan. I will be doubling my dose of Depakote (1000mg) and going back to 10 mg of the Olanzapine at night. I’m not going to be taking the Abilify. I will also have the olanzapine for as needed as sometimes that happens. I was grateful he called me back! It felt like an answered prayer as I was feeling pretty left out there. Prayer said out loud in a group really works fast!
I like todays prompt but I can’t remember specific times I’ve done it! It’s a combination of it being a long time since I’ve had a *mission and being taught not to toot your own horn! Don’t let your left hand know what your right hand is doing kind of thing. I’m sure I’ve done good things but I’m so in the moment I forget later what I’ve done. When I was younger and had more energy I used to do a lot more – my ex and I liked helping people together. On my own I can remember paying someone’s toll. When I was working with the homeless I can remember giving them a ride a couple times. I remember my ex telling me a couple stories. He helped a guy at a gas station with a ride and once he was at the video game store and the person in front of him was short a dollar. He paid the dollar. Well that very same day I was cutting the lawn guess what blew into the yard? A dollar bill!
*When I talk about a mission I’m talking about those times when I’ve spontaneously decided to go somewhere and it’s like a God thing. I’m exactly where and when I’m supposed to be there. It’s usually meeting someone who needs me or that person will have a message for me.
Matthew 6:3New International Version
3 But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing,
I was looking through my spiritual playlist on my YouTube channel and this was at the top. Dr. Emoto’s work with water is very inspiring:
What traditions have you not kept that your parents had?
Hello there – how are you? Last night I decided to see if it’s the abilify that is causing me to be anxious and run fast – affect my sleep. I took two Depakote instead – sure enough I was able to sleep and feel like I rested. I think my body is used to it. The abilify makes me feel too high. I need to talk to my doctor about all this. I called and left a message for the pharmacist that gave me tapering off instructions from the olanzapine which I wasn’t able to do because I ran out of it and they didn’t refill it. Hopefully she will call me back today.
Todays prompt makes me think of Christmas. My parents and my ex and I used to have a tradition of telling each other what specifically we wanted for Christmas and that’s what we would get. My Mom used to send holiday treats up until a year ago or so. With Dad being in a nursing home things have changed and understandably so. We don’t exchange gifts anymore – just cards. Since moving here to Idaho, I have been indoctrinated into new traditions for the family here. They are similar to what I grew up with but slightly different. They do a white elephant gift exchange where everyone brings a gift of $25 or more and they do a trade.
Psalm 18:1-2New International Version
1 I love you, Lord, my strength.
2 The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield[b] and the horn[c] of my salvation, my stronghold.
I love You, Lord For Your mercy never fails me All my days, I’ve been held in Your hands From the moment that I wake up Until I lay my head Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God
And all my life You have been faithful And all my life You have been so, so good With every breath that I am able Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God
I love Your voice You have led me through the fire In the darkest night You are close like no other I’ve known You as a Father I’ve known You as a Friend And I have lived in the goodness of God (yeah)
And all my life You have been faithful (oh) And all my life You have been so, so good With every breath that I am able Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God (yeah)
‘Cause Your goodness is running after It’s running after me Your goodness is running after It’s running after me With my life laid down I’m surrendered now I give You everything ‘Cause Your goodness is running after It’s running after me (oh-oh)
‘Cause Your goodness is running after It’s running after me Your goodness is running after It’s running after me With my life laid down I’m surrendered now I give You everything ‘Cause Your goodness is running after It keeps running after me
And all my life You have been faithful And all my life You have been so, so good With every breath that I am able Oh, I’m gonna sing of the goodness of God (I’m gonna sing, I’m gonna sing)
‘Cause all my life You have been faithful And all my life You have been so, so good With every breath that I am able Oh, I’m gonna sing of the goodness of God Oh, I’m gonna sing of the goodness of God
To be 