1 January 2022 Earth Angels

January 1, 2022 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Leading Life by Example, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello. It’s 3:03 pm as I write to you. I’m cuddled on the couch with Link sucking on a Halls losenge. Just one of the things my Aunt and Uncle earth angels brought to me moments ago. I’m looking forward to her famous healing potato soup when I get hungry a little later.

There are people on this earth that you wonder how they have the strength to be everywhere they are and do everything they do. They must have some sort of super power ! I think they would say their power is their love of God. It is that love that propels them to be who they are….earth angels. To be the ambassadors of Gods love to those in need…..to be his body. To be willing to go where the missions take them without question. My Aunt and Uncle could have just prayed for me but they went much further. Just seeing them helped me feel better!

“For the sick and those in need I heed the call. I do it with a gladdened heart for no thanks at all. I am an earth Angel, boots on the ground. Whenever your in need I’ll be around.”

31 December 2021 Last Practice Shirt

December 31, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

I decided to paint on my last practice shirt today. There is a lot of symbolism wrapped up in the design I came up with. I imagine someone coming up to me while I’m wearing this and just getting lost in what’s going on. That’s my objective is to make art that is a feast for the eyes and helps shield me as an empath.

This is one I am anxious to see in the sunlight

Working on this today helped me deal with having the beginnings of a cold! Darn it! With as little contact as I make with the public I still managed to catch a cold! Ah but this too shall pass!!

“In the light and shadow I see your soul, I see how this life on you has taken its toll. Take a deep breath and try to smile. Push away the troubles for awhile. Another year has begun anew. Fill this moment with cerulean blue.”

31 December 2021 Friday

December 31, 2021December 31, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello friend. How are you doing today? It’s still morning and frosty here as I write 22 degrees! The sun is trying to peak out which helps. I think I have gotten myself a mild cold but I’m not going to focus on it too much. The coffee is soothing my throat.

I pulled out the last blank t- shirt I have and it will be a perfect canvas. As it is right now it looks like bleach might of got on it and something else that couldn’t come out. I can use my art to hide those flaws and enjoy wearing the shirt again. The drawing today is me thinking about what I will draw on the shirt. I’m thinking one of my whisp people with a rainbow ribbon. I did a canvas painting like that once as a commission piece for my therapist a couple of years ago.

Thinking about what to draw and paint today

Looks like I will be alone for New Years Eve and New Years. It’s ok as I’ve never been big on the holiday and if I’m truly sick I don’t want to spread it!

Last night I had a nice Twitch livestream visit with a new follower from Brazil. I keep connecting with young men from overseas. When we get a chance to visit it’s usually way past their bed times! I’m always surprised that they want to talk to me out of all the bazillion channels there are on Twitch. Last night we talked a bit about religion and God. His family is into spiritualism. Apparently his mom tried church and it didn’t work out. I’m still finding my way myself. I like the relationship I have with God. It can be both a simple and complex relationship. As big as the entirety of existence to as small as a grain of sand.

Is there anything beyond this door today?

We talked about Christianity and how you have to be saved…believe in Jesus or you will burn in hell. I always am left thinking how can such a large part of the world with their different belief systems be “wrong?” I looked up the percentages for religions and 31% are Christian while 25% are Muslim 16% are non religious and 15% are Hindu – as of 2020. There were 18 others – I found it using Google.

Something we didn’t talk about was free will. If God is all knowing of everything do we really have it? If there is a divine plan in all things I don’t believe we really have free will. Our path seems to be set before we are even born. Where was God when my Mom decided to take her own life? From what I read of her writings she loved God/Jesus more than anything. Where was God when my Grandpa decided to take his life? He was a loyal servant to God got so many years! Where was God when I attempted to take my life a couple of years ago? I had to remember I was bulemic and save myself – there was nothing and no one to save me but myself! The only thing I can think is God doesn’t interfere. He knew what I would do before I did it? He knew I would live to tell the tale may be to save someone else from doing the same thing? Much of my life has been like that. I make “mistakes” and share about it afterwards to help others. Is that part of why I still exist?

The question is still there and may be there is scripture or some kind of answer somewhere – Where is God when it comes to suicide?! According to my Catholic education suicide gets you put into purgatory and you can’t even have a church funeral.

Interesting paper I found about this subject : https://www.mdpi.com/2077-1444/12/11/987/htm –

Is Suicide the Unforgivable Sin? Understanding Suicide, Stigma, and Salvation through Two Christian Perspectives

by John Potter

Are there really that many lost souls? According to this paper 703,000 people a year?!! Where is God in all of that? Are all these people lost? There is no one living that truly answer that question not even the Pope!

I hope something here was helpful. If you or if you have someone in your life that is suicidal I hope you have a support system. I hope you have a relationship with a higher power. I hope you will choose life. I know it’s a struggle some days but you are not a mistake!

30 December 2021 Snow Angels

December 31, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Home, Nature, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

It’s kind of hard to see it but it’s supposed to be a snow Angel! Boy is it harder to get down and get back up !

Hello to you. How has your day been? Today for me was mostly about rearranging snow. We sure got a lot of it. I decided to play a bit and made a snow Angel lol.

“Who is my family? Who are my friends? Who knows where the road begins….where it ends. This life makes wanderers…..explorers of us all. Starting and returning to a shape very small…curved hand in mouth to a suckling ball.”

29 December 2021 Flurries and Wesley

December 29, 2021 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, photography, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. It’s still snowing as I write to you. I don’t know how much we are supposed to get but it doesn’t show any sign of slowing down. If I wasn’t an adult I wouldn’t care. The neighbor kids have their snowsuites on and are having so much fun! I was thinking of how fun it is to make snow angels and then two of them did it! At some point I’m going to have to go unbury my car. Adulting sucks sometimes!

Yesterday I decided to look up an old crush from senior high school and I wasn’t prepared for what I found. He had made a successful career as a manager at Barnes and Noble and as an entertainer. He had been cross dressing and his characters name was Roxy Marquis. He got married to the man he loved. What I wasn’t prepared for was that he got lymphoma and fought the cancer for 4 years. He died in 2020 from it and he was my age- we were a year apart! All the memories I had of him filled my head last night and it was hard to sleep. I had such a crush on him when we were in school! I was too smitten with him to pick up that he was different…that he was gay. He was so beautiful to me. Finding this out evoked a lot of emotions. Why did he have to go through what he did? I felt so scared and sad last night just thinking how hard he fought to live. I hope in his heaven he has peace. RIP Wesley Byers – https://m.startribune.com/obituaries/detail/0000358638/

This morning I found out a friend, Tanya Knight, from my tribe in Alvarado, succumbed to cancer too! She was the most gentle and beautiful woman you could ever meet. Just so vibrant and full of life – she was a healer. I can’t believe she’s gone.

Last night as I was tossing, turning and crying I talked to God. “God I don’t understand suffering and death! It scares me. I feel so powerless – where are you God? Sometimes it just feels like you’ve abandoned us and I don’t want to believe that. Don’t let me waste this gift you have given me…..this life.”

Both Wes and Tanya still have their Facebook pages up. I’m glad they were so I could pay my respects. I didn’t know Facebook did that.

I hope something here resonated. I need to pull myself together and live this day. I think that’s the best way we can honor those who have gone before us – live!

28 December 2021 Shirt

December 29, 2021 by saymber, posted in animals, Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Just back from getting Link and myself around the block. It’s only 26 degrees out yet! I wasn’t sure if we would go. Cabin fever won out!

Today I asked God for their company as I was having trouble being alone. I’m grateful for Link but he doesn’t speak human! Well the first thing we did was venture into the dreaded spare room aka storage room. It’s that time of year to get ready for 2022 by clearing out old files. With everything that has been going on to largely include avoidance, I was a couple years behind. There is still more to do in there but I at least got a start. God was definitely with me on doing that!

What came next was a lot more fun. We decided to paint another shirt. What we have come up with so far has a real tie-dyed feel to it. I have to let things dry to see if I want to add more paint.

Painting is very therapeutic but as I’ve mentioned before, the process goes so fast. Once I get started it’s already over! The same goes for when I draw something. As soon as the pen hits the paper I’m committed. No erasing…..Tadaaaaa!! Everything is a co-creation with God when it comes to my arts and crafts. When I overthink things is when I get something even a dumpster diver wouldn’t want. I have an attempt at painting Link that is horrible but I can’t bring myself to throw it out just yet. It doesn’t look like him at all!

Poor Link! This is one of my sad attempts at painting !

There is a process to the craft of painting – rules – and I’m terrible about following them. Soooo it’s better for me to do shapes and abstract concepts. I used to spend hours pencil drawing portraits but I find I just don’t have the patience for it now. We just change through time and so do our arts and crafts. As we age our vision and coordination changes making it so doing what we always did a little more difficult.

Anyhew…..thank you as always for taking time for me!

28 December 2021 Tuesday

December 28, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, history, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Music, Spirituality and Religion, Uncategorized, Veteran Affairs

Hello to you. How are you? Hopefully staying warm! It’s a balmy 22 degrees here as I write to you. Winter is definitely here. I’m so grateful Link and I have a warm shelter. Even as we near 2022 there are people without affordable housing.

So I rousted myself with some Heilung and my little drum this morning. My little drum circle idea rose and fell this year. It’s ok. I don’t regret buying the drum. It gets lots of use.

https://youtu.be/64CACoHNBEI – Heilung Norupo

Thinking of hearth and home this chilly Tuesday!

“Primal beat of my drum and ancient calling, steam rises from my coffee…snow is falling. A warm hearth and home within my heart can be found. An echo of the beginning sound.”

As I sit here this morning I wonder where we are heading in this world. Where am I heading. Things are doing things…..I keep trying to stand still in time but it doesn’t work that way. How do I graciously embrace the inevitable? Lately I’ve been feeling like my mind is in an in between place. When I feel this way I don’t get to just live my life and move forward with it. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in the flow….that stream of existence where time doesn’t matter. Your doing what God put you here to do and that’s all you want to do! All you want to do is be in that “sweet spot” with God.

Sometimes when I’m writing I get the place I desire to be. It’s warm and safe. The words just flow and I don’t want it to end but it always does. I had these sort of feelings when I would sit outside in Texas and draw with chalk. I would sit outside for hours and just draw. I felt such a direct connection with God. What was nice is my drawings lasted until the rains came. Then I would have a fresh canvas. I used to draw spaceships that sailed off with the rains. Where I live now I don’t have a slab in the backyard to draw on. I just have a driveway in the front yard and I’m a little self conscious about doing my drawings there.

I believe God isn’t done with me yet. There is a reason I still exist. I have to remind myself that the reason(s) aren’t always big ones. One of my favorite Saints is Therese of Lisieux: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Th%C3%A9r%C3%A8se_of_Lisieux and the reason is because of how she believed in serving God in little ways. Every time I smell roses I think of her. We each have a part in Gods play. Some are major parts and some are very small but they are all important. Sometimes we are destined to live the little way and have to find peace with that.

I hope something here resonated!

27 December 2021 Evening

December 28, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How has your day been? It’s evening and dark as I write to you. If it weren’t so early I’d be off to bed already!

“Dark blanket pulled down on the day, another curtain call on the the Lords play. All the characters in various garb nestle in each their beds, fanciful dreams running through their heads. The world and all its mystery resets the stage, the book of life writes another page. “

My creativity seems to ebb and flow. I have kind of stalled on the shirt painting for now. My friend was talking about having me do a shirt for her. She had a design in mind so we will see what comes of that! The shirts I’ve painted have had their first wash and a couple of them kind of had a problem with sticking together. So they probably need to be washed in cold water.

Anyhew thank you for keeping me company. I hope someday loneliness will be a thing of my past! It’s so nice to have this place to be.

27 December 2021 Snow Day

December 27, 2021 by saymber, posted in animals, Bipolar life, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello there. How are you doing today? I’m doing ok…..having kind of a surreal morning. We got snow yesterday so no travel for me today. Thankfully my therapist is doing phone sessions today.

Why is today surreal? It’s hard to pin it on just one thing. May be it’s because another year is drawing to a close? Like I’ve said before I hold on to things too tight….even time.

I did a short stream last night. The topic was empathy. Something I feel the world is lacking….something I feel I’m lacking. I have always felt like I was an empath but after what I’ve been through these past couple of years I am not so sure. I’m a harsher person than I used to be. I am not as caring about other people as I used to be. I don’t like it but wonder if it’s a protective mechanism. I wonder if I truly allowed myself to be like I was if I would be able to keep it together.

I am hoping this next year is less frosty for me. I hope there will be reasons to reconnect to my heart and be warm in that space without having to be a blubbering mess in the process. Is there a way to be strong but loving too? I pray God will get me there!

If anything here resonates I would love to hear from you!

26 December 2021 Feelings

December 26, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, Food, history, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Money, Music, Politics and Government, Social media, technology, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 26 December 2021 Sunday chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1244211250

Hello it’s me again. It’s Sunday afternoon and I’m feeling lonesome so I thought I would write to you again….hope you don’t mind.

Something happened with me and my Twitch channel and I feel really bad about it. I had a rant and it wasn’t subtle and I ended up hurting the feelings of someone I love and care about very much. I felt so bad that I had to delete the video. It was not the place to express what I expressed in such a brutal manner. If you knew the person I’m referring to, you would agree. They are the last person on earth that you would want to hurt! We have cleared the air but I still feel horrible about it! Ugh!! I feel like such a shit!

The subject matter at the core of this debacle is how I feel about “stuff.” Living in this tiny home means there is little space for extra things. Anything added to the limited surface space I have can look like clutter if there is too much of it. I prefer to receive gifts that are going to be used up and gone like soaps, lotions and food things. I didn’t buy gifts for anyone this year. Instead I bought bags of food for the local food pantry in my families honor.

I am not sure if the livestream lifestyle is my friend. Part of me wonders if it’s best left to content creators like musicians, magicians and artists. The reason I started using Twitch was to try and reach out and make a connection. There have been a couple sessions where I have had communication with people like I’m looking for but it’s rare. If you aren’t playing instruments, singing, playing video games or doing some sort of something people just don’t tune in. Something tells me not to give up just yet though. I have 12 followers and that’s pretty good for a channel like mine!

I have a couple more shirts I can paint just not sure if I want to do that today. It goes so fast! Some people when they are drawing and or painting they take their time. It doesn’t go that way with me. As soon as I decide to do it, whatever comes forth is the finished product. It’s like I have this notebook I have been drawing in and it’s almost full. Then I will have to get another one and have to find a place for the one I finished. The “stuff” monster rears it’s ugly head again – even in my art! May be that’s why people use food as their area of craft. Make a beautiful cake and it gets eaten – the byproduct goes into the toilets. You don’t have to feel guilty about it ending up in a landfill.

Every something that is tangible ends up somewhere. Thankfully this blog is just digital text but it still takes up space in a server and a server is a tangible thing. I have a friend who’s job it is to manage large servers…..even digital things…words…..taking up space in our tangible world! The other thing is it doesn’t really belong to me once I publish it. I should be saving my posts on an external hard drive but I don’t after what happened to the last one.

May be all of this explains why I’m still keeping and using towels that are nearly 30 years old. I use things until they fall apart. My first husband taught me about buying high quality stuff so you don’t have to replace it so often. Unfortunately we live in a world of products designed with planned obsolescence in mind. Some of the towels I received as gifts in years past are not holding up nearly as well as the older ones.

It’s hard for me to live in a material world at times. There are tubs of stuff that I have that I don’t know if I’ll ever get the courage to go through. I had hoped the gals I hired to organize my stuff would help me cull but they didn’t. They just put it in tubs and stacked it neatly – now it’s harder to get into. I need a disinterested party that specializes in what I have going on to come in and help me cull. I mean what do you do with boxes that once held your beloved pets ashes?! What do I do with Knick knacks that I have no cabinets to display them in?! If I set stuff out it has to be dusted. I don’t want to dust! Years and years of journals and drawing books….nobody is going to want my shit when I’m gone and that’s the harsh truth of this modern world. Everything has become so cheap that things that really should matter have little to no value.

The story of stuff goes back a long ways. I can remember when my first husband and I lived in an apartment in Fliessem Germany. All our stuff fit until Helga the landlady asked us to move out so her son and his new wife could live there. We ended up moving to a place up the street but it was smaller than the place we were living. I got overwhelmed. There is a picture of me sitting where we had to stack everything and I had been crying. There just wasn’t enough room. The house in Alvarado was the first time there was enough room for everything but I still had a problem with stuff. I liked Christmas gift exchanges with my parents the best. You told them what you wanted and that’s exactly what you got. It was always good quality stuff that we were going to use.

The story of stuff really opened my eyes to what our material world is doing to us and this planet: https://youtu.be/9GorqroigqM – after seeing it and seeing what The Ocean Cleanup project is encountering out in our oceans I really started to think about how I live. Like I said earlier everything we make and use has a life of its own. You can’t get something for nothing and it’s important to be responsible consumers.