31 December 2021 Last Practice Shirt

I decided to paint on my last practice shirt today. There is a lot of symbolism wrapped up in the design I came up with. I imagine someone coming up to me while I’m wearing this and just getting lost in what’s going on. That’s my objective is to make art that is a feast for the eyes and helps shield me as an empath.

This is one I am anxious to see in the sunlight

Working on this today helped me deal with having the beginnings of a cold! Darn it! With as little contact as I make with the public I still managed to catch a cold! Ah but this too shall pass!!

“In the light and shadow I see your soul, I see how this life on you has taken its toll. Take a deep breath and try to smile. Push away the troubles for awhile. Another year has begun anew. Fill this moment with cerulean blue.”

31 December 2021 Friday

Hello friend. How are you doing today? It’s still morning and frosty here as I write 22 degrees! The sun is trying to peak out which helps. I think I have gotten myself a mild cold but I’m not going to focus on it too much. The coffee is soothing my throat.

I pulled out the last blank t- shirt I have and it will be a perfect canvas. As it is right now it looks like bleach might of got on it and something else that couldn’t come out. I can use my art to hide those flaws and enjoy wearing the shirt again. The drawing today is me thinking about what I will draw on the shirt. I’m thinking one of my whisp people with a rainbow ribbon. I did a canvas painting like that once as a commission piece for my therapist a couple of years ago.

Thinking about what to draw and paint today

Looks like I will be alone for New Years Eve and New Years. It’s ok as I’ve never been big on the holiday and if I’m truly sick I don’t want to spread it!

Last night I had a nice Twitch livestream visit with a new follower from Brazil. I keep connecting with young men from overseas. When we get a chance to visit it’s usually way past their bed times! I’m always surprised that they want to talk to me out of all the bazillion channels there are on Twitch. Last night we talked a bit about religion and God. His family is into spiritualism. Apparently his mom tried church and it didn’t work out. I’m still finding my way myself. I like the relationship I have with God. It can be both a simple and complex relationship. As big as the entirety of existence to as small as a grain of sand.

Is there anything beyond this door today?

We talked about Christianity and how you have to be saved…believe in Jesus or you will burn in hell. I always am left thinking how can such a large part of the world with their different belief systems be “wrong?” I looked up the percentages for religions and 31% are Christian while 25% are Muslim 16% are non religious and 15% are Hindu – as of 2020. There were 18 others – I found it using Google.

Something we didn’t talk about was free will. If God is all knowing of everything do we really have it? If there is a divine plan in all things I don’t believe we really have free will. Our path seems to be set before we are even born. Where was God when my Mom decided to take her own life? From what I read of her writings she loved God/Jesus more than anything. Where was God when my Grandpa decided to take his life? He was a loyal servant to God got so many years! Where was God when I attempted to take my life a couple of years ago? I had to remember I was bulemic and save myself – there was nothing and no one to save me but myself! The only thing I can think is God doesn’t interfere. He knew what I would do before I did it? He knew I would live to tell the tale may be to save someone else from doing the same thing? Much of my life has been like that. I make “mistakes” and share about it afterwards to help others. Is that part of why I still exist?

The question is still there and may be there is scripture or some kind of answer somewhere – Where is God when it comes to suicide?! According to my Catholic education suicide gets you put into purgatory and you can’t even have a church funeral.

Interesting paper I found about this subject : https://www.mdpi.com/2077-1444/12/11/987/htm

Is Suicide the Unforgivable Sin? Understanding Suicide, Stigma, and Salvation through Two Christian Perspectives 

by John Potter

Are there really that many lost souls? According to this paper 703,000 people a year?!! Where is God in all of that? Are all these people lost? There is no one living that truly answer that question not even the Pope!

I hope something here was helpful. If you or if you have someone in your life that is suicidal I hope you have a support system. I hope you have a relationship with a higher power. I hope you will choose life. I know it’s a struggle some days but you are not a mistake!

27 December 2021 Evening

Hello to you. How has your day been? It’s evening and dark as I write to you. If it weren’t so early I’d be off to bed already!

“Dark blanket pulled down on the day, another curtain call on the the Lords play. All the characters in various garb nestle in each their beds, fanciful dreams running through their heads. The world and all its mystery resets the stage, the book of life writes another page. “

My creativity seems to ebb and flow. I have kind of stalled on the shirt painting for now. My friend was talking about having me do a shirt for her. She had a design in mind so we will see what comes of that! The shirts I’ve painted have had their first wash and a couple of them kind of had a problem with sticking together. So they probably need to be washed in cold water.

Anyhew thank you for keeping me company. I hope someday loneliness will be a thing of my past! It’s so nice to have this place to be.

22 November 2020 Blocked Creative Juices

Hello to you, how are you doing? I am doing ok I guess. I am feeling like my creative juices are blocked if that makes any sense. I got so used to everything creative being so easy for me. It was like “You want a unique painting? Here! Done!” “You want a poem you have never heard before?! Done!” “You want a chalk portrait? Done!” Now there is nothing going on at all! It’s like an entire part of my brain is no longer functioning like it once was and it sucks! Is it me or is it medication that is blocking my creativity ?!

The alternative to this problem is being so creative that I’m manic and that’s what was happening before. There doesn’t seem to be a moderate switch on things. I don’t know how to moderate my creativity. When I lived with my husband he was partially my muse. He encouraged me to do the things that I did and now that he’s gone I have to figure out how to inspire myself. Ironically he kept getting me to “create” for myself and I am having to truly do that now! I miss having someone to encourage me like he did.

Let’s look at this in the numbers:

Blocked Creative Juices” in the English Ordinal system equals 202 (when I see this it makes me think of life and shadow self with the brain in between being examined)

powerless” in the English Ordinal system equals 132

creativity ” in the English Ordinal system equals 132