26 December 2021 Feelings

Check out 26 December 2021 Sunday chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1244211250

Hello it’s me again. It’s Sunday afternoon and I’m feeling lonesome so I thought I would write to you again….hope you don’t mind.

Something happened with me and my Twitch channel and I feel really bad about it. I had a rant and it wasn’t subtle and I ended up hurting the feelings of someone I love and care about very much. I felt so bad that I had to delete the video. It was not the place to express what I expressed in such a brutal manner. If you knew the person I’m referring to, you would agree. They are the last person on earth that you would want to hurt! We have cleared the air but I still feel horrible about it! Ugh!! I feel like such a shit!

The subject matter at the core of this debacle is how I feel about “stuff.” Living in this tiny home means there is little space for extra things. Anything added to the limited surface space I have can look like clutter if there is too much of it. I prefer to receive gifts that are going to be used up and gone like soaps, lotions and food things. I didn’t buy gifts for anyone this year. Instead I bought bags of food for the local food pantry in my families honor.

I am not sure if the livestream lifestyle is my friend. Part of me wonders if it’s best left to content creators like musicians, magicians and artists. The reason I started using Twitch was to try and reach out and make a connection. There have been a couple sessions where I have had communication with people like I’m looking for but it’s rare. If you aren’t playing instruments, singing, playing video games or doing some sort of something people just don’t tune in. Something tells me not to give up just yet though. I have 12 followers and that’s pretty good for a channel like mine!

I have a couple more shirts I can paint just not sure if I want to do that today. It goes so fast! Some people when they are drawing and or painting they take their time. It doesn’t go that way with me. As soon as I decide to do it, whatever comes forth is the finished product. It’s like I have this notebook I have been drawing in and it’s almost full. Then I will have to get another one and have to find a place for the one I finished. The “stuff” monster rears it’s ugly head again – even in my art! May be that’s why people use food as their area of craft. Make a beautiful cake and it gets eaten – the byproduct goes into the toilets. You don’t have to feel guilty about it ending up in a landfill.

Every something that is tangible ends up somewhere. Thankfully this blog is just digital text but it still takes up space in a server and a server is a tangible thing. I have a friend who’s job it is to manage large servers…..even digital things…words…..taking up space in our tangible world! The other thing is it doesn’t really belong to me once I publish it. I should be saving my posts on an external hard drive but I don’t after what happened to the last one.

May be all of this explains why I’m still keeping and using towels that are nearly 30 years old. I use things until they fall apart. My first husband taught me about buying high quality stuff so you don’t have to replace it so often. Unfortunately we live in a world of products designed with planned obsolescence in mind. Some of the towels I received as gifts in years past are not holding up nearly as well as the older ones.

It’s hard for me to live in a material world at times. There are tubs of stuff that I have that I don’t know if I’ll ever get the courage to go through. I had hoped the gals I hired to organize my stuff would help me cull but they didn’t. They just put it in tubs and stacked it neatly – now it’s harder to get into. I need a disinterested party that specializes in what I have going on to come in and help me cull. I mean what do you do with boxes that once held your beloved pets ashes?! What do I do with Knick knacks that I have no cabinets to display them in?! If I set stuff out it has to be dusted. I don’t want to dust! Years and years of journals and drawing books….nobody is going to want my shit when I’m gone and that’s the harsh truth of this modern world. Everything has become so cheap that things that really should matter have little to no value.

The story of stuff goes back a long ways. I can remember when my first husband and I lived in an apartment in Fliessem Germany. All our stuff fit until Helga the landlady asked us to move out so her son and his new wife could live there. We ended up moving to a place up the street but it was smaller than the place we were living. I got overwhelmed. There is a picture of me sitting where we had to stack everything and I had been crying. There just wasn’t enough room. The house in Alvarado was the first time there was enough room for everything but I still had a problem with stuff. I liked Christmas gift exchanges with my parents the best. You told them what you wanted and that’s exactly what you got. It was always good quality stuff that we were going to use.

The story of stuff really opened my eyes to what our material world is doing to us and this planet: https://youtu.be/9GorqroigqM – after seeing it and seeing what The Ocean Cleanup project is encountering out in our oceans I really started to think about how I live. Like I said earlier everything we make and use has a life of its own. You can’t get something for nothing and it’s important to be responsible consumers.

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