23 February 2022 Wednesday

February 23, 2022 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, human rights, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 23 February 2022 Wednesday chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1307654970

Hello to you. How are you? I hope this finds you well. It’s a sunny day here but really chilly out! I had trouble getting up this morning. It was another case of waking up in the middle of the night and taking Hydroxyzine to go back to sleep. I almost missed my therapists phone call. She helped me get out of bed and get some breakfast.

The message on the stream today was partially about multigenerational trauma. This was because of the messages in the reading for today in A Woman’s Spirit. What happened to us in our childhood doesn’t have to determine what our life as adults will be like. We can make a conscious choice to learn from those experiences and grow as people. Every walk of life has suffered some kind of trauma – it’s up to us what we do with those experiences.

Today’s psalm is one of my favorites – psalm 23 :

Psalm 23New International Version

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

¹The Lord is my shepherd,^(A) I lack nothing.^(B)
²    He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,^(C)
³    he refreshes my soul.^(D)
He guides me^(E) along the right paths^(F)
    for his name’s sake.^(G)
⁴Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,^[a]^(H)
I will fear no evil,^(I)
    for you are with me;^(J)
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵You prepare a table^(K) before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;^(L)
my cup^(M) overflows.
⁶Surely your goodness and love^(N) will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

Snippets of color on the floor this morning that caught my eye

“Healing can occur when I see my family of origin as just a vessel to bring me into new spiritual growth , rather than as a predictor of all my life’s work .” – Judi Hollis (A Woman’s Spirit)

“Every day I am embarking on an adventure. What I do with my experiences today can be a positive reaction to what I learned from the past.” (A Woman’s Spirit)

22 February 2022 Tuesday

February 22, 2022 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Home, Mental Health, Money, photography, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 22 February 2022 Tuesday chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1306552599

Hello to you. How are you? I’m doing ok. I had kind of late start today. Outside is gray with sun trying to peak through. Looks like we got a few flurries overnight.

I went and got groceries yesterday – whew was that expensive! I spent about $200! Granted I was stocking up and also bought a lot of drinks to try and stay hydrated. Still if I spent that much for just one person I can’t imagine trying to feed an entire family!

Talked to my dad yesterday and he sounded pretty good. Thanks to all of you that have been praying for him and my mom. I get so pissed sometimes. They have been of service to God, their families and the community their whole lives. Nothing has come easy to them and now when they should be enjoying retirement together they are having to go through all this! I don’t understand God’s plan about it. I’m sure if I were to look at things through Gods eyes it would make sense but through little ol’ Jackie eyes it just seems cruel. Again, thank you for your prayers and positive words.

I’ve been trying to read a psalm a day. Today was psalm 22. It just didn’t resonate with me but that’s ok. From what is seems there is a lot of crying out to God for help in the psalms and some of them are really dramatic pleas! What do you think?

“I may make plenty of mistakes today. I can accept that. I’m learning and moving forward.” (A Woman’s Spirit)

21 February 2022 Monday

February 21, 2022 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Mental Health, Movies, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 21 February 2022 Monday morning chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1305451504

Hello to you how are you? It’s Monday morning again and I’m finally starting to wake up. What’s happening is the Doxepin isn’t really working like I hoped and I am still having to take the Hydroxyzine which makes me groggy. I’ve also been having lower back and leg pain which makes it hard to get out of bed. I resolved to myself that I’m going to try to do more stretching through the day to see if that helps. There is a part of me considering a yoga class they have in town. I used to do yoga! I could even do a head stand!

The stream was fun this morning. One of my viewers was involved in a school musical production of Grease. We had fun with a couple of the songs. It’s been ages since I was a huge fan of the movie starring Olivia Newton John and John Travolta. The age group my viewer is in are like 11 and 12 year olds. As you may or may not remember there are a lot of mature themes in Grease. My viewer joked that one of the cast was talking about “huge knockers” and he probably didn’t even know what he was talking about! LOL!!

Yesterday I was in the mood to watch movies which has been extremely rare! The first movie was Black Butterfly starring Antonio Banderas and Jonathan Rhys Meyers. When I initially had heard about the movie and saw trailers I wasn’t interested. I’m so glad I watched it! I can’t believe it was free on You tube! https://youtu.be/-_VUHxa7nwg – Black Butterfly. I was delightfully surprised at all the plot twists. The other one I watched and enjoyed was called The Illusionist starring Edward Norton and Paul Giamatti : https://youtu.be/KunQC6a6fPU – The Illusionist. I don’t want to tell you what these films are about – don’t want to spoil the surprise that each of them has to offer! It felt good to have the movie experience and not have my manic/paranoid/delusional self reading too much into what what I was watching.

“Practiced consistently, new habits become who I am.” – Lin Andrukat (A Woman’s Spirit)

“Any current behavior used to be “new.” It became a habit only with continuous use. I can decide to begin a new behavior today. “ (A Woman’s Spirit)

20 February 2022 Lost But Not Worthless

February 20, 2022 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Leading Life by Example, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you today. How are you? I decided not to do a Twitch Stream today and that’s ok! A day of rest! This morning I got up late and almost missed church but I’m glad I made it. The message from Pastor Jason was good. He used the story of when he lost his wallet helping with farm work. It fell out of his back pocket and fell in the field covered with dirt. He and his friends went out looking for it and it wasn’t found until a couple months later! The lost wallet is like us…..like I’ve been so many times in my life….lost from my relationship with God. God seems to always be there waiting for the children to find their way home. Being lost like that wallet doesn’t mean we are worthless . We still have great value but we just aren’t doing what we were made to do. Our full potential isn’t being realized when we are lost. Least that is what I got out of his sermon!

Last night my Aunt and I went to a ladies game night at church and I met some really nice women. We played a game called Mad Gab first and that was just not my game lol! You get into teams and read these unrelated words to make a saying or phrase. I think I figured out one lol. Then we played a dice game called Tenzies and I wasn’t very good at that either but it was fun. We had pizza, salad and desserts. What was really neat is I met a woman that I ended up sitting next to in church today! As I write I realized I actually first met her at Next Steps classes. That’s the class you take when you are considering membership in the church. It was nice to see a friendly and familiar face today!

19 February 2022 Redirecting the Trains on our Brains

February 19, 2022 by saymber, posted in animals, Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 19 February 2022 Saturday chat (psalm 19) https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1303273522

Hello to you. How is your day? I’m sitting here in the morning sunshine as I write to you. It’s about 41 degrees and just feels so good. I just got off the phone with my sweet cousin. I love it when she and I can talk in the morning. She is so positive – just starts the day off right! We talk about matters of the spirit, love and family…..the good stuff we are grateful for in this life. I hope you have someone like that in your life. We are cousins but dear friends too. Just trying to navigate this life together.

On the Twitch stream today what came forth was trains again. How hard it is when the train of sorrow, anxiety and worry gets on the track. Everyone knows how hard it is to stop a train once it is in motion. So what I’ve been working on is talking to the conductor! Telling the conductor by my thoughts and actions that I don’t like the direction the train is going. I want to go in a different direction or to get off the rails completely. I am having to practice this every day. The first place I am learning to turn to is God…”hey God do you think you can help me get through this day?”

It’s hard when your in the middle of things to sometimes have the presence of mind to be still and think clearly. It just takes a lot of practice! “What can I do about what is going on or what I am experiencing right now?” A lot of times the answer seems to be nothing. What I am trying to learn after I ask that question and get that answer is to accept I am powerless but I can talk to God about it. Your Higher Power is ever present and unchanging. So really we are never completely powerless it just can feel like we are.

When that train of whatever it is gets on the track- I have a choice if I want to stay on it. I have the ability to talk to the conductor. We can change course, slow the train down and eventually get off of it altogether. Like anything it just takes practice – everyday.

It’s important to stay in the present – I’m having to practice every day

“I have come to believe that all of my fears are false gods before me.” – Mary Casey (A Woman’s Spirit)

“Any fear I have today is of my choosing. Dwelling on God rather than on the fear will change every experience I have today.” (A Woman’s Spirit)

18 February 2022 First Night Trying Doxepin To Sleep

February 18, 2022 by saymber, posted in animals, Bipolar life, drawing, dreams, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 18 February 2022 Friday chat (psalm 18) https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1302099821

It’s so frustrating when you want something to work and it doesn’t really!

Hello to you. How are you? It’s Friday….we made it! The sun is shining – yay! It’s been a long week.

Well last night I took Doxepin for a test drive to see if it would help me sleep. I started with one capsule and didn’t feel anything. I took another one and that seemed to help for a short while. I still ended up taking a Hydroxyzine which helped for a couple hours. So frustrating. Apparently doctors don’t like to prescribe Seroquel which I’ve heard people use for sleep: Seroquel and other antipsychotics are particularly dangerous for elderly patients and can lead to aspiration pneumonia, which is a common cause of death in elderly patients. Seroquel also causes significant excessive weight gain, which can be a factor in the development of Type 2 Diabetes.

So Anyhew…..I will keep pressing forward and hope I get enough sleep! I must have slept last night because I had a dream about my dog Spot. She came to me and I was holding her and just crying. I miss her so much. The only way we get to be together is in dreams.

The stream this morning was ok. In the Woman’s Spirit book the message had to do with control. That resonated with me as a I dealt with that issue much of my life. I learned from a very early age the the only thing I really had control of was my body. That’s what the anorexia and bulemia battles were about. I didn’t feel I had control of my life so I took control of my body. What I have had to learn is the tighter you hold on to what you can’t control the more power you give to what you dont want to be happening. It’s hard to let go of feeling like you have to be in control. I was the kind of person at work that would try to do everything because I didn’t trust in the abilities of those around me to get the job done right. I burned myself out big time and obstructed the way for those around me to learn what they needed to learn.

The other part of the stream was psalm 18 – boy was that a long one! I didn’t like it very much because it seemed to be a warrior talking about a battle and God helping him fight it. I don’t like war. In my opinion no one wins a war really. I think of all my fellow veterans and how many of them suffer from PTSD. Even if they are on the “winning side” they still lose so much of themselves. You can’t unsee the horrors of war. You can talk to God, go to church, take medication, go to therapy, exercise and have a healthy diet and still be tormented by what you have been through. Time and distance from what torments seems to be what really helps. Layers of time to bury the past. It frustrates me that there is so much war in the Bible specially when one of the 10 Commandments is thou shall not kill!

“The more I force things, the tougher my life.” – Helen Neujahr (A Woman’s Spirit)

“I don’t need to control anyone today. I am not insecure just as long as I let my Higher Power take charge of my affairs.” (A Woman’s Spirit)

17 February 2022 I Am With You

February 17, 2022 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 17 February 2022 Thursday chat (psalm 17) https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1300976426

Hello to you. How are you? I’m doing ok. We have another sunny day which is so nice! Last night I was up and down multiple times in the night. I took some Hydroxyzine and would sleep – it would wear off and I would wake up. Hopefully my doctor will call me today and prescribe something specifically for sleep. As I’ve mentioned before I was prescribed the Hydroxyzine for anxiety.

Last night I did something a little different than I normally do. I hadn’t taken any Hydroxyzine and was feeling anxious. I decided to watch the rebroadcast of Elevation Church’s Sunday service on Facebook- no weapon was the message: New International Version Isaiah 54:17
no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me,” declares the LORD. Pastor Steven Furticks message was powerful about this. The song I loved was this: https://youtu.be/m7O9jDf5wqM by Brook Ligertwood called Nineveh

Then before bed I found this recording that was very soothing: https://youtu.be/TVLMeKPhoXc – I will be with you…words I needed to hear. For me it’s “ I am with you .” No matter what is going on, I am with you. Who would guess that stories from the Bible could help anxiousness?!

I’m trying to find lasting methods to help me ease this chronic anxiety I’ve been feeling. My mind is willing to cooperate and listen but my body has been doing stuff lately. I’ll be sitting in church on Sunday and trying to focus on the message and my body will just start to act up. I will start to hyper focus on my breathing or other sensations going on in my body. A voice in the darkness will then say “ be present in this moment, stay here in the now.” My mind wants to be still and relaxed but it’s been hard to get my body to cooperate. Guess it’s just going to take more practice!

By making different choices I am being more conscious of my role in my own life. Something we talked about on the Twitch stream this morning is how important it is to have a strong relationship with the God of your understanding and also with yourself. This way when difficult times come your way you can weather those storms. I have been guilty of relying too much on the people, places and things of the world. When any of those things left me I became completely untethered and lost. People, places and things change and fade but God is everlasting and for so long as you live you have you!

“I am not to blame for anyone else’s problems today. Accepting blame was a habit. Cultivating a better attitude can be a habit too.” (A Woman’s Spirit)

Something fun I’ve been watching on Twitch is some role players on a channel called King Norcalius. Last night I asked a question and actually got a accurate answer – will I find love again? Check out 🔮Warriors of the Realm🔮 | Free readings with Orana🔮Soulbinder Ft. Granny Gertie👵 |⭐Improv! 🏹Fantasy! 🎭Roleplay! 📕Lore! https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1300518076

16 February 2022 Wednesday

February 16, 2022February 16, 2022 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 16 February 2022 Wednesday chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1300060243

Hello to you. How are you. I hope this finds you well. Today has been a day about choices. This morning I had an appointment with my therapist in her new office and I had never driven there before. Well my GPS on my phone let me down and I ended up making wrong turns more than once! So frustrating! By the time I got there I was frazzled. I just felt so out of it and that’s due to my taking 100 mg of Hydroxyzine last night in order to sleep!

Tomorrow I hope to talk to my doctor about sleep options. I’m supposed to be taking the Hydroxyzine for anxiety not sleep! When I went to the grocery store today I looked at over the counter sleep aides but just am not sure about taking those while taking lithium.

My therapist and I talked about how when your mind and body aren’t acting like they should that it’s harder to make good choices. I have been feeling like my body is betraying me lately. In the past when my body hurt I was able to heal and move on. Now the pains show up out of nowhere and they last longer. I know, “welcome to getting old!” I’m trying to make good choices- lean on my faith in God. Some days it doesn’t feel like God is listening or cares.

“Knowing I will feel however I decide to feel today fills me with hope and enthusiasm.” (A Woman’s Spirit )

15 February 2022 Feeding the Negative Energies

February 15, 2022February 15, 2022 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Health, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 15 February 2022 Tuesday morning chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1298839932

Check out 15 February 2022 Tuesday morning chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1298850679

Hello to you. How is your day going? I’m sitting here with a cup of coffee as I write to you. Last night was another battle with sleep. What also made it hard was Link wasn’t feeling good and he kept me up too. I realized that I was feeding the negative energies by struggling so much and getting mad. I got mad at Link and it wasn’t his fault! I tried to meditate and tell my body to relax but I just couldn’t get still in myself enough to do it. I don’t know if the Hydroxyzine is going to work for me. It only gets me a couple hours of sleep at a time. I left a message for my doctor this morning to see if we can talk about alternatives. Honestly I’m kind of scared to play with more pills but I can’t keep going on like I am either. When I go too long without good sleep is when I get manic — danger zone!

Storms are swirling around me right now and I have to be strong in God

I want to shift into positive energies. I want to consciously make better choices. I don’t want to continue to allow forces outside of myself to drive “my car.” I want to believe that God will help me get through this phase of my life. I want to believe there will be relief from what is happening right now.

“Choices are not irrevocable….They can be remade. “ – Julie Riebe (A Woman’s Spirit)

“I will choose carefully today. If a change of mind is in my best interest, then I can change my mind.” (A Woman’s Spirit)

14 February 2022 Valentines

February 14, 2022February 14, 2022 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Health, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Television, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 14 February 2022 Monday Valentines Day chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1297901452

Hello to you. How are you today? Hope this finds you well. It’s Valentines Day. For some this is a very special day. The retail industry loves this holiday! My take on it is if you are in a relationship with someone that everyday is Valentine’s Day! Don’t ever take each other for granted. Don’t wait for a holiday to show your special somebody that you care. When I was married we didn’t celebrate Valentines. We felt the holiday was just too commercialized. To each their own!

Got good news yesterday. My Dad was in and out of surgery for his fractured hip! I was really surprised he got in so quickly! Thank you for your prayers. Now he just has to heal.

We had a nice day yesterday. My Aunt and Uncle joined me at church which was such a treat! They got there before me and had told the pastor and some others it was my birthday so when I showed up they wished me a happy birthday! They had a little bouquet of flowers for me. It just really meant a lot! The big point of the sermon really resonated with me: “we do what we can in order to enable us to do what we can’t .” So much of my day to day is pushing through – trying to focus on what I can do not what I can’t.

Later Link and I went over to my Aunt and Uncles. My cousin, who was also celebrating his birthday and his wife my dear friend was there. My Aunt made tamales and also made my chocolate pudding dessert! My Uncle grilled some elk steak on the grill. Later my cousins older grandkids stopped by and we all watched some of the Super Bowl. It was just really nice to be together! I’m so grateful to have loving family to celebrate these kinds of occasions with.

When I got home I was really anxious so I took Link on a walk. Then I went on another walk by myself. What was happening is I was getting sleepy and felt anxious thinking about trying to go to sleep. So frustrating! I finally did relax and watched the last quarter of the Super Bowl. My Uncle and I had spoken earlier about the LA stadium apparently it cost like 5 billion dollars to build! The LA stadium is practically in his backyard and so we had decided to pull for the Rams! It was nice to see them actually win.

“I will take time to notice the most important friends I have, my family. Each family member will get my love and kind thoughts today. “ (A Woman’s Spirit)