Hello to you. It’s 89 degrees here as I write to you. I was going to sit outside and write but it’s too hot!
My thoughts today turn to thinking about keeping life fresh. Lately my life has been feeling like Ground Hog Day. Very little deviation from routine. Sometimes I will be ready to do my daily sit ups and wonder if I already did them! Inside of me I am wanting more but my body is resisting. What keeps happening is I get this fullness in my ears and I will feel anxious and hypersensitive to my body. The Mal de Barque stuff. My lower back has not been my friend either. I try to walk and I feel like a weeble wobble huffing and puffing almost the whole walk in pain. The only thing that seems to help the hypersensitivity is taking the olanzapine right now. I will be starting to do the taper off of it starting tomorrow. My doctor wants to taper me off of it because it’s notorious, along with the Depakote, for causing weight gain. We are going to try Abilify (aripiprazole) instead of Olanzapine – I hope it works as well for anxiety, weight gain and hypersensitivity.
I try to stay in the understanding that I am blessed to have the life I have even with it’s short comings! As I keep saying it’s not what I can’t do but what I can. Hopefully with the medicine change I will feel stronger and like I can do more to keep my life fresh.
I love seeing roses ready to bloom – especially the two tone onesSome big Pom poms – I think these are called goats beard
Psalm 147:3-5New International Version
3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. 4 He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. 5 Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit.
Hello to you. How are you? Yesterday I took a different walk in the evening and was rewarded with new flowers to see!
The canal has growth again I’m not sure what the name of these flowers are They are in various colors A lovely orange
Isaiah 41:10 ~ Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Hello to you. How are you? I just had a good talk with my Aunt. She was concerned about what I wrote about yesterday regarding spirituality. She felt it was a little dark and that we need to be moving on from those memories. I reassured her the best I could. I had to remind her that in addition to writing for me I’m writing to help others like me or the family and friends of those like me. By sharing my experience, strength and hope I am hopefully helping someone else who might be going through similar circumstances and have no place to turn to.
What I learned through AA is the more we share our stories of recovery the less it hurts and the more people we help. Each day someone is diagnosed with Bipolar and it can be devastating and overwhelming. I still don’t completely understand it and I’ve been living with it for many years now. I just know Mania and crippling anxiety is what we want to prevent from happening! The Mal de Barque syndrome is also going on too and there is no cure for it or even real tests that can definitely identify it.
My family and friends, my church all encourage me to lean not on my understanding but to lean on God through all of this. I’m trying! I want to make it clear that I’m not seeking sympathy or attention by sharing. I am sharing to help understanding about a condition that doesn’t make sense! There are people who think mental illnesses are something you can just get over and it’s like diabetes or heart disease – you just can’t see it by looking at a person but it’s very real and needs special treatment with both medication and therapy. It’s an inside job until the bad stuff happens and can be seen in behavior!
My Aunt directed me to a great passage in the Bible that she wants to memorize:
Philippians 4:8 New International Version 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Took my phone along for a short walk last night Cheerful pink roses Are these daffodils? My best buddy enjoying some patio time this morning
Hello there! How are you today? It’s a bright and sunny day here. I haven’t been taking pictures lately as I haven’t been on my usual walks in the afternoon. My back is feeling better so I need to get back to it! There is beauty happening!
Todays prompt is a great one. Just last night before trying to fall asleep I talked out loud to Jesus. I haven’t done that in a very long time. Spirituality, relationship with God is very important to me and is a favorite subject to discuss. Ever since what happened last August, I have felt kind of distant from God. I felt like God had abandoned me but that’s probably to the contrary of reality. If I had kept going on the path I was on I probably would have ended up in jail! God intervened in the most extreme way. I was convinced, once again, the world was ending and Jesus was coming back. I felt like he was taking too long so I was going to initiate things on my own! Not a good idea! I never want to be in the situation to be tased again! It was very traumatic. I just wasn’t in control of myself anymore.
When I get overcome by the spirit world, which is what has happened prior to me being hospitalized every time, I become very reckless and sometimes even angry and violent – not entirely in charge of “driving my car.” The car being my body. It’s like being possessed by forces beyond my control. This last time I took a meat cleaver to the inside of my house and broke a bunch of momentos and other things that were glass. I got rid of all my identification. I was convinced that my Link had been left to die in the house. There are a lot of things I don’t remember happening – they are blacked out. Thank God for my family! They came and restored order to my little house and they all are the extensions of the living God in my life.
When I have talked to most Christians, especially women, they have said loving Jesus is about relationship not religion. From my own experience, I agree! I have to be careful to not get too religious. I have been neglecting and struggling with my relationship because of my health lately. This swaying motion in my head , fullness in my ears and playing with the cocktail to get my mental health right has affected my relationship with Jesus AND myself. Everything is such an effort and I get so tired so easily so I want to sleep a lot. My patterns for sleep and being awake are all wonky. My doctors think it’s the medication and we will be trying something new, Abilify, to see if things get better.
I just want my spiritual/creative juices back! The kicker is with the medication to control mania, whatever it ends up being, I will probably never be as creative as I once was. With Bipolar 1, which is my primary diagnosis, mania is to be avoided and is the primary target of the medication I take. It’s either risk being overcome by mania and be creative or not be manic and have little to no creativity. I want peace of mind for myself and those who love and care about me. So who I once was is forever on the chopping block! I used to feel so close to God as I understood him. The ways of that connection, my creativity, spirituality, have been stifled ever since I started taking heavier medications. I haven’t drawn a picture or written a poem, crocheted, made jewelry or done something that I used to do in almost a year! Anything I have done has felt forced – not just flowing with usual ease it used to. It’s like writers block. I try to just take a pen to paper and nothing comes.
I have to remind myself that I need to focus on what I can do – not on what I can’t! Taking pictures on walks has become one of the new ways to share my eyes for Gods beautiful creation but even that is limited by my physical health!
One of the last drawings I’ve done. This was about going to Grace House, a home Grace Bible Church has leased within walking distance for me.
Matthew 8:28-34New American Standard Bible
Jesus Sends Demons into Pigs
28 And when He came to the other side into the country of the Gadarenes, two demon-possessed men confronted Him as they were coming out of the tombs. They were so extremely violent that no one could pass by that way. 29 And they cried out, saying, “[a]What business do You have with us, Son of God? Have You come here to torment us before [b]the time?” 30 Now there was a herd of many pigs feeding at a distance from them. 31 And the demons begged Him, saying, “If You are going to cast us out, send us into the herd of pigs.”32 And He said to them, “Go!” And they came out and went into the pigs; and behold, the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the sea and [c]drowned in the waters. 33 And the herdsmen ran away, and went to the city and reported everything, [d]including what had happened to the demon-possessed men. 34 And behold, the whole city came out to meet Jesus; and when they saw Him, they pleaded with Him to leave their region.
Which food, when you eat it, instantly transports you to childhood?
Hello to you. How are you doing? It’s Saturday as I write to you. It’s about 84 degrees and sunny out.
Todays prompt is a tough one for me as I’m kinda of a foodie. Many foods transport me to different parts of my life. I would have to say my moms chocolate pudding dessert is a big one. I can’t remember when she first made it or when I started wanting that dessert in place of a birthday cake. I just know that whenever I have it I think of my Mom and Dad. Dad and I both like it for our birthday! We would joke about getting up in the middle of the night to sneak a piece or who got a bigger piece. It’s one of those desserts you can only make for special occasions as it’s pretty rich. My family here in Idaho loves it too. My Aunt made it for my cousin and my birthday this year and everybody loved it.
Instant chocolate pudding – you can use other flavors if you don’t like chocolate
Recipe: Moms Chocolate Pudding Dessert
Crust: 1/2 cup melted butter , 1 cup flour, 1/2 cup chopped nuts (optional)
Bake above in 9×13 pan at 350 degrees for 15 minutes. Let cool then add:
2nd layer: 1 cup powdered sugar, 1 cup Cool Whip, 8 oz cream cheese
Top last layer with remaining cool whip and nuts if desired and chill.
John 6:27New International Version
27 Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him God the Father has placed his seal of approval.”
Hello to you. How are you? I just got off the phone with the pharmacy through the VA. We decided to take me off the Metaformin as I’ve been having diarrhea taking it. She wants me to try Abilify and taper off of Olanzapine as the side effects of Olanzapine (Zyprexa) are weight gain and fatigue. Apparently Abilify is better about that. She is thinking may be of taking me off of Depakote eventually too – which would be nice. I’m so tired of this pharmaceutical cocktail business! In the end it will hopefully be worth it!
James 5:14-16 NIV
14 Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven.
Hello to you. How are you? I was supposed to start volunteering today but couldn’t do it. I moved the wrong way a couple days ago and even with a back brace could hardly walk without pain. I don’t like to take Tylenol or other pain medication because a lot of times it doesn’t work for me and it’s hard on the liver over time. I’m already taking medications that are tough on my liver.
The gal I’ve been communicating with at the Food Pantry said she has Tuesdays covered now but would let me know if anything opens up. This is a case of my spirit being stronger than my body! I’m kind of disappointed in myself but I think it was the right thing to do. If I am supposed to volunteer at the pantry I feel another opportunity will present itself.
Psalm 73:26New International Version
26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Hi there- how are you doing today? It’s cloudy here today – hopefully we will get some rain.
I hope these wildflowers come back to the canals this year.
Do you stop loving someone or caring about someone after you sever ties? Move away? That’s one nice thing about the internet is you can stay in touch even if you aren’t living close by anymore. There are so many people I miss and thanks to platforms, despite all its flaws, like Facebook I can maintain contact with. Once I love and care about you I don’t stop unless there is a really good reason. It’s nice to have tools to keep connections alive.
Romans 12:16-21New International Version
16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[a] Do not be conceited.
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”[b]says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”[c]
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Hello there, how are you? I’m just back from our Thursday prayer meeting for our church, it was Pastor Jayson, Lois and me today. There may only be a couple of us but it matters! I walked over and back. I picked up a breakfast burrito on the way home from Tacos El Rancho – they are so filling. I was only able to eat half of it – eat the rest when I get hungry again!
Some lovely blooms from the walk this morning.
Todays prompt asks what am I passionate about and I have to say the controversial – gun control. I don’t like guns! I feel like being able to own a gun should be as tough if not tougher than being able to drive a car. I have always been passionate about this topic as I lost my birth mother and a cousin to guns. I don’t have a problem with responsible gun owners – I have several in my family. The main thing I focus on is keeping guns from those who would harm themselves or others. I don’t have all the answers but putting more guns in the world doesn’t make sense to me.
Matthew 18:20New International Version
20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”
What are the most important things needed to live a good life?
Hello to you. How is your weekend? I just got back from church – it was good. We met in the cafeteria and they did a phenomenal job of setting things up in a smaller space. There was room for everything and everyone! They are putting new wax on the gym floor where we normally gather. Getting to use the cafeteria is an answered prayer!
When I think on todays prompt, the first thing that popped in my head was you need love – both to be loved and to love. I have been fortunate enough to have been and continue to be surrounded by people that unconditionally love me. I know what love looks and feels like. In that love I know is God too. No matter my short comings I know God loves me – my family and friends are a physical manifestation of Gods unconditional love for me. When I get a hug from my Aunt, Uncle or cousins it’s like God reaching out to me through them.
John 15New International Version
The Vine and the Branches
15 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
My Auntie and me sharing in Gods love at Grace House – Ladies Tea
To be 