Bipolar life – Page 55

14 October 2021 Redirection

October 14, 2021 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, drawing, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How are you ? It’s Thursday already! Didn’t this week go fast? I got out and walked but only made it around once. My knees aren’t being nice to me lately. I also miss having someone to walk with!

So I was having a talk with a friend yesterday who suffers from OCD. It can be quite crippling. He gets stuck in his thoughts and exhausts himself. I suggested to him that when he had these ruminating thoughts he think or say STOP and at that moment put another thought in its place. Kind of like stopping a train on the tracks. When I do this for myself I will insert a thought like, “I don’t want to think about that right now,” “That is not helpful.” It’s kind of like making a new train route in the brain. It’s an attempt to redirect my thoughts.

Each day I have to use the advice I gave my friend . As a bipolar everything is a delicate balance in my life. Living alone I have time to ruminate a lot and a lot of times it’s not helpful stuff I’m ruminating on. When I do this it’s oftentimes very visceral. I feel what I am ruminating about and it makes me feel like gears are slipping in my brain.

With this kind of stuff going on and living alone I find myself turning to God more. I get frustrated though because sometimes it feels like God isn’t there. I know it’s not true but it’s just a feeling. I don’t know if it’s the Covid-19 or what but I have been feeling my mortality so much lately. The world feels fragile, like we are on borrowed time. How is it some people just go through life like there is nothing to worry about ?

Sometimes the gears in my brain feel like they slip

13 October 2021 Wednesday

October 13, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Food, Health, Home, In the News, Nature, Writing and blogging

Hello there, how are you ? It’s Wednesday or hump day as many people call it. Looks like it’s going to be gray and overcast today.

When the weather is like this I don’t feel like doing much of anything. All there is for me is writing and writing keeps me going. I’m so grateful for this blog and the people who stop by to visit !

“Who am I in a world of billions, living in a country in debt by the trillions. So many struggling to get ahead, Covid-19 leaving so many dead. Ships stacked with a bunch of goods, shitty sneakers to exotic foods . Water ways starting to run dry, cities scrambling to find a new supply. Who am I in this dream ? Will the human race survive or just keep losing steam ?”

I want to believe this is a world of plenty. It just seems like we don’t manage our resources very well. At some point, on a global scale, water conservation is going to have to be important. I buy water by the gallon jugs from the grocery store. Sometimes when I want to buy water they are out and that kind of scares me. What will have to change in order for us to continue to have enough water? It seems like so many products we use require water as one of its main ingredients .

Just stuff I think about!

12 October 2021 Tuesday

October 12, 2021 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Food, Home, In the News, Leading Life by Example, Money, Writing and blogging

Hello . How are you today? I am doing ok. I finally decided to go get groceries and it wasn’t cheap and a bit of a scavenger hunt. I spent $103 for just me. I was relieved that they had drinking water but it looked like the toilet paper aisle had been raided. I don’t envy the people that work there trying to keep the store shelves stocked !

So I found a YouTube channel that was interesting: Living Life in North Idaho. The host, Trent has lived in Idaho for 30 years and is a realtor. This video done just a day ago mentions Middleton: https://youtu.be/SxrTGg48npY . He does a variety of videos some of which I wish I had seen before deciding to move here!

I thought about buying Halloween candy today but decided not to. This is my first Halloween in the neighborhood and I don’t know what to expect . There are a lot of kids living here but I don’t know if they go trick or treating or if they are just going to go the trunk or treat route. I miss dressing up with my ex husband and handing out candy. We had a steam punk theme and I had my plasma lamp that I would bring out and light up light bulbs wirelessly!

Do you decorate and celebrate Halloween? I’d love to hear about it!

8 October 2021 Gray Skies

October 8, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Music, Writing and blogging

Hello there! How are you doing today as you visit me here? I’m sitting here with a cup of coffee surrounded by gray skies. I’m hoping it will rain. We really need the water!

The past couple of days I’ve been enjoying some YouTube videos about people making electric guitars. One of my favorite instruments! Burls art did a build in the woods that turned out really good: https://youtu.be/eqkJXjr0sz8

Burls has done some really unique builds like Legos, paper, infinity mirror, epoxy resin and many more. I like watching people make things. May be one day I will get back to making things myself !

I have never learned how to play an instrument. I play by ear as I never learned to read music. I have a couple recorders I take out now and again as well as a lap harp.

I used to have a drum up until I ruined it during one of my episodes. I really like the drum! May be I need to watch some videos about how to make them. I’ll never forget the coffee can drum my mom made for me when I was a child. I would take it and drum under the stars. It was just a coffee can covered with duct tape!

Do you play an instrument ?

https://youtu.be/Svg_fIoHij8 – Andrew Huang making music with household items

Another fun video. It made me think of the show Glee. Music can chase away the feelings that gray days conjure up .

“Gray skies roll in like a blanket on my soul, my spirit a faint spark to pay the toll . Twisting and turning layers of gray, looks like the dimming and shadow are here to stay . It’s a gray skies day we wait for celestial tears to fall, to give us life giving water one and all .”

6 October 2021 Full

October 6, 2021 by saymber, posted in animals, Art and Poetry, drawing, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Writing and blogging

Hi there. How are you ? I got my walk in and had some coffee. This is like my third attempt at writing something this morning ! Let’s see how this goes!

Do you know what it’s like to be full ? Satisfied? Satiated? I think it’s more than just a feeling you get by eating a well balanced meal. I think it’s a feeling you get inside where your spirit is at. I guess you could call it contentment . Where you have everything you need and want for nothing. The hole inside is closed and there is warmth radiating there. There is an ease – being able to breathe easily and with little effort .

I wish I had that feeling of fullness all the time…..but it gets disrupted by matters of the world and how I choose to react to them. Sometimes things happen. Sometimes a lot of things at once and it’s like being on a ladder losing its rungs.. you just keep falling. How to pause as your falling to ask God to not allow all the ladders rungs to give way !

“Oh God my gauge is on empty I feel the pull, where are you in this hunger can you make me full? Fill my inner abyss with your radiating light, take from me this lingering night. Fill my void of spirit with your tangible presence, leave no trace of discontent leave only your essence. “

5 October 2021 Mortality

October 5, 2021 by saymber, posted in Mental Health, Nature, Spirituality and Religion, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. It’s late as I write to you today . Linky and I are sitting outside for a bit .

So it’s officially fall. All through the neighborhood the trees are starting to change color. They are letting go of what I think of as their disposable hands (leaves). This time of year makes me remember how fragile our mortality is. The trees teach so much.

So everyone has a nemesis. Mine is death. I have talked to death more than a couple times and really there is no reasoning with it . There is a plan in all things and part of the plan is at some time or another we are all going to die. I hate this plan but starving to death on an overburdened planet doesn’t sound like a good alternative. We are mortal and that means over time, like any good machine, we are going to break down. We will either get spare parts or we won’t . What bugs me about our “system” is by the time we have learned it and can enjoy ourselves we are well into our mortality.

We mature like fine wine but shrivel up like prunes! Mortality isn’t pretty !

It is important to have faith now. In these uncertain times we need unwavering things that give us hope. You will find no Hope in death unless you actively look for it. For some death is a mercy. I’ll give death that credit. When someone has been suffering with a illness or condition for an extended period of time mercy comes with death.

No drawing today – kind of having a dry spell!

4 October 2021 Tribe

October 4, 2021 by saymber, posted in Mental Health, Nature, Spirituality and Religion, Writing and blogging

Hello there. How are you ? It’s Monday morning as I write to you. My mind is really full this morning after watching Heilung on You tube last night.

This morning I find myself missing the group of people I used to spend time with – my tribe. We were into natural healing. I’ll never forget the one Christmas solstice gathering we had. There was singing and drums like we had been together always . It’s so rare to have what we had …to keep it together. Time, life, growth and the persuite of money blew our little tribe to the winds. We don’t even keep in touch anymore .

I can remember my Grandpa talking about losing his tribe . This was after he divorced my Grandma. At the time he said it I didn’t understand what he meant. I guess it took me losing my tribe to understand.

What I get reminded of this morning as I’m writing about this is nothing lasts forever . I’m the kind of person that would be content in many ways if things didn’t have to change. Yet even nature reminds me that everything changes – witness the changing leaves of fall! They say if there is any one thing certain about this life it will be change!

Do you currently have a group of people you get together with? A tribe ? Cherish them !!

https://youtu.be/aS91UaGJEqI – link to Heilung Live at Alcatraz Festival 2021

2 October 2021 Hold on Loosely

October 2, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, drawing, Writing and blogging

I think it was from an AA reading or something that I remember getting the idea to wear the world like a loose cloak.

It’s late Saturday afternoon. The weather is nice. I went over to my Aunt and Uncles and had a nice lunch. We visited and played a round of a game like Yahtzee called Farkle. Being with them helped me so much! I get stuck sometimes and they know how to get me out! This morning the gears in my brain got stuck!

2 October 2021 Dream

October 2, 2021 by saymber, posted in animals, dreams, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Writing and blogging

Hello. How are you today so far ? It’s 7:13 am as I write. It’s still dark and it’s cold. I don’t want to get out of bed. I had one of those dreams that you wake up from and your heart aches.

I dreamt about my cat Amber and the family dog Spot. It hurt so much I had to turn to Jesus and now I want to cry .

I don’t know what to do with attachment . I get so attached to the people and animals in my life . In Buddhism attachment leads to suffering . This is so true! How do I live this life without getting too attached? Without suffering?

As I said I turned to Jesus this morning and the message was. “Write .” So I’m writing! That’s the nice thing about this blog is you can write as much or as little as you want. I will probably write more later! It’s just what I need right now . Writing for me is therapy !

So why Jesus ? Why turn to Jesus when I had a dream that was so close to my hearts desire ? To be reunited with lost pets ? Because I actually feel something. When I say or think that name I feel comforted. There is a warmth that comes like a filling up inside. I don’t feel so alone. I feel like I can handle what I’m facing a little better. It’s like calling on an old friend that seems to always be there waiting to help !

All this because of a dream. Is it a coincidence? God works in mysterious ways ! Perhaps this is a gentle reminder to not lose my faith ? Perhaps in writing this I am helping someone else not lose their faith either ? So much happens in this world that doesn’t make any sense. All these pieces of an intricate puzzle finding their place.

Sometimes it’s all you can do is hold on and hope your own light doesn’t go out. It can be so easy to lose your faith if it’s grounded in this world. This world slips away so easily. You need something to hold on to that won’t go away like people and pets do . Is that why people hold on to the Bible and other sacred text? It would make sense ! You can call on Jesus any time day or night and he doesn’t charge you for an office visit !

I need to get my butt out of bed. Thank you for your company. Like I said I’ll probably be back a little later!

1 October 2021 Hugs & Blogging

October 1, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Health, Mental Health, Writing and blogging

Hello to you ! How are you doing today ? It’s the beginning of the month already! This year has gone by so fast hasn’t it? My knees allowed me to get a couple laps in. They have been aching. Just found out there are almost 2,000 more cases of Covid here in Idaho ! I’m surprised they aren’t mandating masks again . I have family that was vaccinated and still got sick!

This morning my mind turns to hugs! I love to give and receive them. I don’t know if there is any documented evidence, but I think there must be health benefits! When I think of the mechanics of a hug it’s like putting two powerful batteries together for a few moments. It feels good. It’s like sunshine on the heart !

“Embrace me let your light shine on my heart, may the warmth last long after we are apart.”

Writing this blog has become an everyday thing I do. It helps me connect with people I wouldn’t ordinarily meet. It makes me feel useful. It helps me feel less lonely….like I have someone to talk to. Oftentimes I don’t want to finish a blog because then there will be silence! For some reason when I blog I connect with my internal “voice.”

Writing this blog gives me purpose. It’s always my hope that someone will read it and something will resonate. I think it’s a way to connect with the God of my understanding. This blog and the drawings I do each day are the highlight of my day.

“Welcome to a corner of my mind, a place to relax for a moment and unwind. A message may be just for you, a message just for me by the time the day is through. They call this exchange we are having a blog, for me it is a daily log. A daily accounting of my life, joys, tribulations and may be some strife . Thank you dear reader for stopping by, I hope you find something here for you and you’ll say hi “