26 November 2021 Hello

Hi there! How are you? How’s your day been going? I’m sitting here cuddled with Mr. Link. It’s been a gray and overcast day. I haven’t really been outside. I will be going out this evening to see the Christmas lights in Caldwell. I will need to dress warm as it’s been getting a lot cooler here.

I did another Twitch video today. It’s about Links origin story. It came out ok but not all in one take. I haven’t been able to figure out how to delete videos yet lol!! I’m not sure about this video making stuff! The more I watch other streamers the more less prepared I feel. I guess the most important thing is to keep being myself and work with what I have. My channel is jwygant.

My thanks to all of you that continue with me on this journey I’m on – especially my Auntie!! You are such a beautiful and awesome cheerleader ! The encouragement helps so much but I also appreciate feedback on how I can do better!

23 November 2021 Twitch – Good Day

Hello! It’s morning here as I write to you. I just tried something new. Yesterday my therapist introduced me to Twitch to try and help me with my lonelys problem and so this morning I did a Livestream for a few minutes to try it out. If you use Twitch you can use the search to find me at jwygant. It said I had a viewer but I think it was me lol. A lot of the views go to people with pretty polished presentations. Yesterday I really enjoyed hearing live violin music. One site called Artesianbuilds is watching high end computer builds. From my experience so far, I think I can recommend Twitch.

Yesterday was really a good day. I can honestly say I enjoyed my own company which is rare for me to say! I had a good session with my therapist and on the way home I got groceries and gas in the car (both expensive but can’t be helped! It cost me what I usually pay for a full tank for just a half of a tank). I was planning on bringing green bean casserole to Thanksgiving but couldn’t find the ingredients! So I picked up a key lime pie that should be good.

I have scheduled a Meetup group for the 4th of December (Connect Middleton ID). I don’t expect much since it’s the holiday season but can’t hurt to try. I have to keep it going since I’m paying for it! If you know about Meetup and would like to visit it’s free. RSVP!

I feel like I’m swirling back to a place I’ve been before. A few years ago I was doing videos I called Morning Coffee With Jackie. I did it on YouTube. I kind of got lost in the abyss and gave it up. May be I’ll try something like that on Twitch. I keep thinking of Mr Rogers Neighborhood. May be I can be a friendly face in the crowd. I’m not looking to make money just reaching out. We will see where things go.

“There are three ways to ultimate success: The first way is to be kind. The second way is to be kind. The third way is to be kind.” – Fred Rogers

21 November 2021 Infantile

Hello . Ugh!! I wasn’t going to write again today. I have been having a rough day on my own. The best way to describe what I’m experiencing is imagine an infant wrapped up in a blanket in a crib screaming. You try feeding the infant and that quiets the child for a few minutes. You put the baby back in the crib. They start screaming again. You give them some milk….same thing more screaming. You try singing, reading, rocking, dangling their favorite toy in front of their face….. nothing but more screaming. Finally you pick up the child and hold them and speak softly in soothing tones….at last there is peace.

There is a part of me way deep inside that is the infant I described. Even after 53 years I still can’t completely soothe “Baby Jackie!” It is so tiresome trying to parent an infant trapped inside my own body! I just can’t seem to please her and if I do it isn’t for long. “We” are chronically lonely.

When my Mom took her own life, it feels like she took a part of me with her. I was too young to know her but there must be a part of me that did. A part of me that just can’t seem to find lasting comfort with life in this world without her. I try! I really try but it’s on days like today that remind me I have to keep at it! When you are a mother to your own soul your work is never done.

Sigh…..I hope something here resonates. I’d love to hear from you and your story.

21 November 2021 Happy Birthday And The Village

Hello and good morning to you from here. How are you? Today is my Aunts birthday ! Happy birthday Auntie !

Happy birthday Auntie ! She is my biggest fan!

Well last night my friend and I went to The Village in Meridian but we made a stop at the super Albertsons across the street first. Wow is that a big store. So many choices! I told her I probably wouldn’t shop in there as I would get overwhelmed!

The Village looks so pretty at night. They had lots of lights. The waterfall moved in time to holiday music. They also had an ice skating rink! I liked standing by the gas fire pits they had going so you could stay warm while you waited outside. We ate pizza at a place called Grimaldi’s. There was quite a wait but it was worth it. I shared a spinach salad while we waited for a red onion and sausage pizza. The whole experience was surreal for me. If I was a better painter there would be paintings. If I owned a better camera there would be lots of pictures.

What’s funny is both of us are homebody’s so it was really good for us to get out. My friend is a life coach and something she said last night really stuck out, “it’s your choice….when your ready.” She was talking to me in the context of my moving on with my life. Right now I’m feeling kind of stuck. I have a second room full of stuff I can’t handle looking at. Ever since I hired those ladies to organize it I haven’t really touched the room! Sometimes I wish I had thrown everything away and started with a clean slate. Anyhew….it was good to talk to her. God has a plan and I just need to keep saying yes to the doors he opens for me .

Tree at The Village Meridian ID

19 November 2021 In the Middle

Hello. I’m writing to you from a place in the middle. I’m bored out of my fucking mind….just waiting for the “next thing” to happen. This is me talking to God in words. I don’t know if it will make sense.

“I walk the margins to avoid the shattered glass. I grasp at this and that feeding the ever expanding me. I can’t escape me no matter how hard I try. This shiny and that shiny a fleeting glimmer in the expanding and contracting black holes at the center of my eyes…..more there must be more than this! Is this the best you have to offer?!! Be still you tell me. The silence in stillness is maddening what’s next?! I scream inside…..I walk and let out silent screams. Can you hear me?! I walk on the shattered glass now just so I’ll feel the margins….feel anything but this endless middle place between now and then. It’s never enough. I’m perpetually hungry from my stomach to my soul. God What will you do with this vibrating slab of me? You have stripped me down to echoes. What am I undirected and left to my own devices? An automaton waiting for some unseen hand to activate me? Always waiting for someone or something to inspire movement ? I used to have thoughts of my own. A will of my own . God where have I gone?”

19 November 2021 Friday

My writing buddies Link and Smokey

Hi there. How are you? I’ve been having a helluva time writing to you today. I’ve started and deleted three posts now. It’s because I’m trying to write about the holidays. I just can’t write about them without getting depressed! Thanksgiving is ok but Christmas is not. I’ll leave it at that for now!

So what are you doing today? I am dog sitting Smokey for my Aunt and Uncle. Link and I both like it when Smokey comes to visit! The two dogs are about the same age and are both half Maltese.

It’s a gray overcast chilly day here as I write. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this winter!

18 November 2021 Pushing Through

Do you ever have a nagging physical sensation of being held back when you want to move forward? This feeling that you want to be doing something but you can’t for some invisible reason? But then from someplace inside you push yourself through what is blocking you. Do we even really know what’s in the way? For me one of the things that blocks me is fear of failure.

I heard a sermon by Pastor Steven Furtick today that really resonated. He talked about how God will give you the green light to go but Jesus isn’t going to drive the car….you have to do that! God will give you opportunities but you have to use your feet to get there.

https://youtu.be/OuOOz01LXaU – Get Out Of Your Feelings Pastor Steven Furtick

I need to get out of my own way. I keep giving the keys to my “car” to God and he says “No! I want you to drive!” Some of our most meaningful times have been when I just “randomly “ went someplace. I want to get strong enough for us to have those times again. I called them Missions. When you think you are going someplace you want to go out of the blue but it’s really God sending you out to do his work. No coincidences.

Hopefully something here resonates. Today is one of those writing days. Thanks for stopping by!

18 November 2021 Progress Not Perfection

Hello to you. How are you? I’m sitting here with my coffee and Link….so grateful to write to you today! Even though it’s overcast and gray there is light inside. Sometimes you have to generate light for yourself even if you are surrounded by darkness.

Progress not perfection…….baby steps. Last night my friend reminded me how far I’ve come in just a short time. We went from buying an insect ridden drum, starting a Meetup Group, going to a Meetup Group and ended up making a friend and then starting to drive more all in just a couple of months! Gradually a life is unfolding for me here.

I attribute my progress to God, my family and friends. I asked God….I continue to ask God and I continue to be heard. This passage speaks to me of the times I didn’t ask and tried to do it on my own:

James 4:2New International Version

2 You desire but do not have, so you kill.(A) You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.

The way things are right now. Sometimes it’s confusing to know which door to walk through next. I have help. If it ain’t light (in my chest) it ain’t right!

17 November 2021 Reason To Live (personal testimony)

Hello! How are you? It’s 28 degrees this morning here in Middleton Idaho. I think winter is coming! Link and I said poo poo to a walk. We will wait til it’s a little warmer!

Galatians 5:22-23New International Version

22 But the fruit(A) of the Spirit is love,(B) joy, peace,(C) forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control.(D)Against such things there is no law.(E)

What is your reason to live? So many people I talk to struggle with that question. I struggle with that question. A couple of times I couldn’t stay in touch with my reason and I tried to take my life. One time a couple of years ago now I was almost successful. I had so many reasons to live but in my moments of despair I lost touch with them. Trying to kill myself was one of the most stupid and selfish things I’ve ever done! I hurt my husband and family so much!

I’m going to be honest. I was testing God with what I did. I took pills. As I waited for them to take effect I realized I was alone. There was no one coming to save me. No Kyle. No God. No Angel. Just me…..all there was was me. My survival instinct kicked in and I remembered my bulemia days and stuck my fingers down my throat forcing some of the pills up. Then something told me to go for a walk. To keep moving. I grabbed my purse and dragged myself around the block. I was barely able to walk. When I got home I laid down and just gasped for breath until the remaining pills wore off. I lived but when I told my husband he was so hurt! Why would I do such a thing!! I had always assured him I would never do such a thing after how my moms death affected all of us. I lied to him.

I’m not sharing my story for sympathy. I want to pass on my experience. My strength. My hope. I learned a valuable lesson through what happened…..don’t test God! If you are thinking about taking your life and don’t reach out you are going to be on your own. It’s almost as if God was saying “If that’s what you want to do I’m not going to stop you!” The further twist is how a negative in my life, bulemia, ended up saving me. Further proof that nothing we go through is for no reason.

I hope by sharing my testimony someone will be helped. I still believe there is a God. I’m still here for many reasons. I’m only just beginning to find out what some of them are. That’s what life is . That’s what gratitude is. There is always at least one thing…one reason.

Good Lady Gaga song that got me teary thinking about things this morning….million reasons : https://youtu.be/en2D_5TzXCA

16 November 2021 Sunlight

Hello and good morning from here. How are you? Did you get sleep ? I don’t feel like I got much. After my post last night I tossed and turned til like 1 am or later. I finally got up and took a couple Benadryl and that got me a couple hours. So anyways….got some coffee and beautiful sunshine is streaming in. Laundry is going. It’s a new day!

I read the story I posted yesterday to one of my friends and he asked “What happens next?!” That made me smile. I told him it was meant to be that way. That’s what a short story is. There really are light and shadow beings. The technology of today is finally able to capture their images.

Today I’m thinking about revisiting a story I wrote way back in Sr High School like 1985 or 86……..yes I’m an old fart! The story was called How The Rose Came To Be. I don’t want to dig through my storage bins to find it so I’ll start from scratch. I will make it a separate post .

Tomorrow I have something to look forward to. One of the ladies I met through Meetup has invited me to coffee! I had put out an intention to God that even if I only met one person and made a friend that would be good. Prayers are being answered!