Category: Bipolar life

20 February 2022 Lost But Not Worthless

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Leading Life by Example, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you today. How are you? I decided not to do a Twitch Stream today and that’s ok! A day of rest! This morning I got up late and almost missed church but I’m glad I made it. The message from Pastor Jason was good. He used the story of when he lost his wallet helping with farm work. It fell out of his back pocket and fell in the field covered with dirt. He and his friends went out looking for it and it wasn’t found until a couple months later! The lost wallet is like us…..like I’ve been so many times in my life….lost from my relationship with God. God seems to always be there waiting for the children to find their way home. Being lost like that wallet doesn’t mean we are worthless . We still have great value but we just aren’t doing what we were made to do. Our full potential isn’t being realized when we are lost. Least that is what I got out of his sermon!

Last night my Aunt and I went to a ladies game night at church and I met some really nice women. We played a game called Mad Gab first and that was just not my game lol! You get into teams and read these unrelated words to make a saying or phrase. I think I figured out one lol. Then we played a dice game called Tenzies and I wasn’t very good at that either but it was fun. We had pizza, salad and desserts. What was really neat is I met a woman that I ended up sitting next to in church today! As I write I realized I actually first met her at Next Steps classes. That’s the class you take when you are considering membership in the church. It was nice to see a friendly and familiar face today!

19 February 2022 Redirecting the Trains on our Brains

by saymber, posted in animals, Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 19 February 2022 Saturday chat (psalm 19) https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1303273522

Hello to you. How is your day? I’m sitting here in the morning sunshine as I write to you. It’s about 41 degrees and just feels so good. I just got off the phone with my sweet cousin. I love it when she and I can talk in the morning. She is so positive – just starts the day off right! We talk about matters of the spirit, love and family…..the good stuff we are grateful for in this life. I hope you have someone like that in your life. We are cousins but dear friends too. Just trying to navigate this life together.

On the Twitch stream today what came forth was trains again. How hard it is when the train of sorrow, anxiety and worry gets on the track. Everyone knows how hard it is to stop a train once it is in motion. So what I’ve been working on is talking to the conductor! Telling the conductor by my thoughts and actions that I don’t like the direction the train is going. I want to go in a different direction or to get off the rails completely. I am having to practice this every day. The first place I am learning to turn to is God…”hey God do you think you can help me get through this day?”

It’s hard when your in the middle of things to sometimes have the presence of mind to be still and think clearly. It just takes a lot of practice! “What can I do about what is going on or what I am experiencing right now?” A lot of times the answer seems to be nothing. What I am trying to learn after I ask that question and get that answer is to accept I am powerless but I can talk to God about it. Your Higher Power is ever present and unchanging. So really we are never completely powerless it just can feel like we are.

When that train of whatever it is gets on the track- I have a choice if I want to stay on it. I have the ability to talk to the conductor. We can change course, slow the train down and eventually get off of it altogether. Like anything it just takes practice – everyday.

It’s important to stay in the present – I’m having to practice every day
When are we going for our walk?!

“I have come to believe that all of my fears are false gods before me.” – Mary Casey (A Woman’s Spirit)

“Any fear I have today is of my choosing. Dwelling on God rather than on the fear will change every experience I have today.” (A Woman’s Spirit)

18 February 2022 First Night Trying Doxepin To Sleep

by saymber, posted in animals, Bipolar life, drawing, dreams, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 18 February 2022 Friday chat (psalm 18) https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1302099821

It’s so frustrating when you want something to work and it doesn’t really!

Hello to you. How are you? It’s Friday….we made it! The sun is shining – yay! It’s been a long week.

Well last night I took Doxepin for a test drive to see if it would help me sleep. I started with one capsule and didn’t feel anything. I took another one and that seemed to help for a short while. I still ended up taking a Hydroxyzine which helped for a couple hours. So frustrating. Apparently doctors don’t like to prescribe Seroquel which I’ve heard people use for sleep: Seroquel and other antipsychotics are particularly dangerous for elderly patients and can lead to aspiration pneumonia, which is a common cause of death in elderly patients. Seroquel also causes significant excessive weight gain, which can be a factor in the development of Type 2 Diabetes.

So Anyhew…..I will keep pressing forward and hope I get enough sleep! I must have slept last night because I had a dream about my dog Spot. She came to me and I was holding her and just crying. I miss her so much. The only way we get to be together is in dreams.

The stream this morning was ok. In the Woman’s Spirit book the message had to do with control. That resonated with me as a I dealt with that issue much of my life. I learned from a very early age the the only thing I really had control of was my body. That’s what the anorexia and bulemia battles were about. I didn’t feel I had control of my life so I took control of my body. What I have had to learn is the tighter you hold on to what you can’t control the more power you give to what you dont want to be happening. It’s hard to let go of feeling like you have to be in control. I was the kind of person at work that would try to do everything because I didn’t trust in the abilities of those around me to get the job done right. I burned myself out big time and obstructed the way for those around me to learn what they needed to learn.

The other part of the stream was psalm 18 – boy was that a long one! I didn’t like it very much because it seemed to be a warrior talking about a battle and God helping him fight it. I don’t like war. In my opinion no one wins a war really. I think of all my fellow veterans and how many of them suffer from PTSD. Even if they are on the “winning side” they still lose so much of themselves. You can’t unsee the horrors of war. You can talk to God, go to church, take medication, go to therapy, exercise and have a healthy diet and still be tormented by what you have been through. Time and distance from what torments seems to be what really helps. Layers of time to bury the past. It frustrates me that there is so much war in the Bible specially when one of the 10 Commandments is thou shall not kill!

“The more I force things, the tougher my life.” – Helen Neujahr (A Woman’s Spirit)

“I don’t need to control anyone today. I am not insecure just as long as I let my Higher Power take charge of my affairs.” (A Woman’s Spirit)

17 February 2022 I Am With You

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 17 February 2022 Thursday chat (psalm 17) https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1300976426

Hello to you. How are you? I’m doing ok. We have another sunny day which is so nice! Last night I was up and down multiple times in the night. I took some Hydroxyzine and would sleep – it would wear off and I would wake up. Hopefully my doctor will call me today and prescribe something specifically for sleep. As I’ve mentioned before I was prescribed the Hydroxyzine for anxiety.

Last night I did something a little different than I normally do. I hadn’t taken any Hydroxyzine and was feeling anxious. I decided to watch the rebroadcast of Elevation Church’s Sunday service on Facebook- no weapon was the message: New International Version Isaiah 54:17
no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me,” declares the LORD. Pastor Steven Furticks message was powerful about this. The song I loved was this: https://youtu.be/m7O9jDf5wqM by Brook Ligertwood called Nineveh

Then before bed I found this recording that was very soothing: https://youtu.be/TVLMeKPhoXc – I will be with you…words I needed to hear. For me it’s “ I am with you .” No matter what is going on, I am with you. Who would guess that stories from the Bible could help anxiousness?!

I’m trying to find lasting methods to help me ease this chronic anxiety I’ve been feeling. My mind is willing to cooperate and listen but my body has been doing stuff lately. I’ll be sitting in church on Sunday and trying to focus on the message and my body will just start to act up. I will start to hyper focus on my breathing or other sensations going on in my body. A voice in the darkness will then say “ be present in this moment, stay here in the now.” My mind wants to be still and relaxed but it’s been hard to get my body to cooperate. Guess it’s just going to take more practice!

By making different choices I am being more conscious of my role in my own life. Something we talked about on the Twitch stream this morning is how important it is to have a strong relationship with the God of your understanding and also with yourself. This way when difficult times come your way you can weather those storms. I have been guilty of relying too much on the people, places and things of the world. When any of those things left me I became completely untethered and lost. People, places and things change and fade but God is everlasting and for so long as you live you have you!

“I am not to blame for anyone else’s problems today. Accepting blame was a habit. Cultivating a better attitude can be a habit too.” (A Woman’s Spirit)

Something fun I’ve been watching on Twitch is some role players on a channel called King Norcalius. Last night I asked a question and actually got a accurate answer – will I find love again? Check out 🔮Warriors of the Realm🔮 | Free readings with Orana🔮Soulbinder Ft. Granny Gertie👵 |⭐Improv! 🏹Fantasy! 🎭Roleplay! 📕Lore! https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1300518076

16 February 2022 Wednesday

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 16 February 2022 Wednesday chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1300060243

Hello to you. How are you. I hope this finds you well. Today has been a day about choices. This morning I had an appointment with my therapist in her new office and I had never driven there before. Well my GPS on my phone let me down and I ended up making wrong turns more than once! So frustrating! By the time I got there I was frazzled. I just felt so out of it and that’s due to my taking 100 mg of Hydroxyzine last night in order to sleep!

Tomorrow I hope to talk to my doctor about sleep options. I’m supposed to be taking the Hydroxyzine for anxiety not sleep! When I went to the grocery store today I looked at over the counter sleep aides but just am not sure about taking those while taking lithium.

My therapist and I talked about how when your mind and body aren’t acting like they should that it’s harder to make good choices. I have been feeling like my body is betraying me lately. In the past when my body hurt I was able to heal and move on. Now the pains show up out of nowhere and they last longer. I know, “welcome to getting old!” I’m trying to make good choices- lean on my faith in God. Some days it doesn’t feel like God is listening or cares.

“Knowing I will feel however I decide to feel today fills me with hope and enthusiasm.” (A Woman’s Spirit )

15 February 2022 Feeding the Negative Energies

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Health, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 15 February 2022 Tuesday morning chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1298839932

Check out 15 February 2022 Tuesday morning chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1298850679

Hello to you. How is your day going? I’m sitting here with a cup of coffee as I write to you. Last night was another battle with sleep. What also made it hard was Link wasn’t feeling good and he kept me up too. I realized that I was feeding the negative energies by struggling so much and getting mad. I got mad at Link and it wasn’t his fault! I tried to meditate and tell my body to relax but I just couldn’t get still in myself enough to do it. I don’t know if the Hydroxyzine is going to work for me. It only gets me a couple hours of sleep at a time. I left a message for my doctor this morning to see if we can talk about alternatives. Honestly I’m kind of scared to play with more pills but I can’t keep going on like I am either. When I go too long without good sleep is when I get manic — danger zone!

Storms are swirling around me right now and I have to be strong in God

I want to shift into positive energies. I want to consciously make better choices. I don’t want to continue to allow forces outside of myself to drive “my car.” I want to believe that God will help me get through this phase of my life. I want to believe there will be relief from what is happening right now.

“Choices are not irrevocable….They can be remade. “ – Julie Riebe (A Woman’s Spirit)

“I will choose carefully today. If a change of mind is in my best interest, then I can change my mind.” (A Woman’s Spirit)

A little chalk yesterday

14 February 2022 Valentines

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Health, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Television, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 14 February 2022 Monday Valentines Day chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1297901452

Hello to you. How are you today? Hope this finds you well. It’s Valentines Day. For some this is a very special day. The retail industry loves this holiday! My take on it is if you are in a relationship with someone that everyday is Valentine’s Day! Don’t ever take each other for granted. Don’t wait for a holiday to show your special somebody that you care. When I was married we didn’t celebrate Valentines. We felt the holiday was just too commercialized. To each their own!

Got good news yesterday. My Dad was in and out of surgery for his fractured hip! I was really surprised he got in so quickly! Thank you for your prayers. Now he just has to heal.

We had a nice day yesterday. My Aunt and Uncle joined me at church which was such a treat! They got there before me and had told the pastor and some others it was my birthday so when I showed up they wished me a happy birthday! They had a little bouquet of flowers for me. It just really meant a lot! The big point of the sermon really resonated with me: “we do what we can in order to enable us to do what we can’t .” So much of my day to day is pushing through – trying to focus on what I can do not what I can’t.

Bouquet and cards – so grateful!

Later Link and I went over to my Aunt and Uncles. My cousin, who was also celebrating his birthday and his wife my dear friend was there. My Aunt made tamales and also made my chocolate pudding dessert! My Uncle grilled some elk steak on the grill. Later my cousins older grandkids stopped by and we all watched some of the Super Bowl. It was just really nice to be together! I’m so grateful to have loving family to celebrate these kinds of occasions with.

When I got home I was really anxious so I took Link on a walk. Then I went on another walk by myself. What was happening is I was getting sleepy and felt anxious thinking about trying to go to sleep. So frustrating! I finally did relax and watched the last quarter of the Super Bowl. My Uncle and I had spoken earlier about the LA stadium apparently it cost like 5 billion dollars to build! The LA stadium is practically in his backyard and so we had decided to pull for the Rams! It was nice to see them actually win.

“I will take time to notice the most important friends I have, my family. Each family member will get my love and kind thoughts today. “ (A Woman’s Spirit)

The weather has been nice. I was feeling restless so I got out and chalked a bit

13 February 2022 Birthday

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Mental Health, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 13 February 2022 Sunday morning birthday stream https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1296945099

Hello there how are you? Today is my 54th birthday…..it still is a shock sometimes that I’m over 50! In a little while I’m meeting my Aunt for church which will be really nice. Later this afternoon my family is getting together to celebrate both my cousin and my birthday and watch football.

I wish today was completely happy but it’s not. I found out yesterday that not all is well with my parents right now. My Mom is having to have steroid injections for pain in her hips and my Dad has had a couple falls and he fractured his hip and will need surgery. I am feeling really powerless about it. This kind of stuff is what I’ve been talking about that happens and you have to choose how your going to deal with it. Shit is going to happen in this life in varying degrees and you have to go within and draw strength from your spirit to walk through it. There is no other way but through! I hate that my parents are having these health issues! They were supposed to be able to enjoy their retirement! I have to let God on this.

If you pray or meditate could you please think of my parents Larry and Dianne. Thank you!

“Our inner journey is a transformative process. It involves becoming who we already are in essence and letting go of the phony in favor of the authentic self.” (A Woman’s Spirit)

12 February 2022 Trolls

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Mental Health, Social media, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 12 February 2022 Saturday morning chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1295753063

Hello to you. It’s Saturday as I write to you. As I sit here typing the morning sun is streaming in the front windows – it feels really nice!!

The stream this morning was interesting. My friend and I aren’t sure but are thinking I got a 2022 version of a prank call. Some guy was trying to tell us that his 3 year old sister somehow got a hold of his Grandmas ashes and flushed them down the toilet! We weren’t sure if we should take him seriously or not. It’s so frustrating when stuff like that happens on this platform. I have a limited amount of time and don’t want it wasted by pranksters and trolls. Lately I have been encountering more trolls than usual. Other than banning them there isn’t much I can do! If I was making money doing this I would have moderators to police the stream.

“Each day is a “workshop.” Let’s remember to keep our minds and hearts open so we won’t miss our opportunities.” (A Woman’s Spirit)

11 February 2022 Pills and Dessert

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out 11 February 2022 Friday morning chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1294588326

Hello to you. It’s Friday! We made it through another week. Sometimes that feels like a miracle.

I wanted to briefly talk about my experience with Hydroxyzine. It was prescribed to me to help me with anxiety but an beneficial side effect was drowsiness. When I took it I was able to relax and sleep. Well I had to get refills yesterday and they told me they changed manufacturers but assured me it was the same pill. NOPE! The new stuff doesn’t make me sleepy and the other night when I took it, it actually made me want to pace my house in the middle of the night! There is a difference between one manufacturer and another. My body noticed! Thankfully last night I just took my lithium and was able to sleep most of the night. I’m so tired of this but I’m not going to let it get me down.

The recipe can change just enough that you notice

I wanted to share with you my favorite birthday dessert- it sounds like my Aunt is making it for Sunday. My cousin and I will be celebrating our birthdays together!

Mom Schmidt’s chocolate dessert

Crust: mix 1/2 cup melted butter, 1 cup flour and 1/2 cup chopped nuts (optional) spread into a 9×13 pan and bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes. Let cool and then add

2nd layer: mix 1 cup powdered sugar, 1 cup Cool Whip and 8 oz cream cheese. Then add

3rd layer: 2 pkgs instant chocolate pudding, 3 cups milk and 1 tsp vanilla. Once this layer sets top this last layer with the remaining Cool Whip and nuts if desired. Chill and serve.

The message from A Woman’s Spirit book today was about developing your inner voice. How do you talk to yourself? Is your inner voice nurturing or a reflection of the critical voices you used to hear around you? I’ve been working on cultivating an inner voice that speaks to me like a best friend would. It takes time and effort to reprogram ourselves from our early programming – from our earliest selves.

“I can listen to a loving inner voice if I practice loving myself and others today.” (A Woman’s Spirit)