Hello to you. How are you? I just had a good talk with my Aunt. She was concerned about what I wrote about yesterday regarding spirituality. She felt it was a little dark and that we need to be moving on from those memories. I reassured her the best I could. I had to remind her that in addition to writing for me I’m writing to help others like me or the family and friends of those like me. By sharing my experience, strength and hope I am hopefully helping someone else who might be going through similar circumstances and have no place to turn to.
What I learned through AA is the more we share our stories of recovery the less it hurts and the more people we help. Each day someone is diagnosed with Bipolar and it can be devastating and overwhelming. I still don’t completely understand it and I’ve been living with it for many years now. I just know Mania and crippling anxiety is what we want to prevent from happening! The Mal de Barque syndrome is also going on too and there is no cure for it or even real tests that can definitely identify it.
My family and friends, my church all encourage me to lean not on my understanding but to lean on God through all of this. I’m trying! I want to make it clear that I’m not seeking sympathy or attention by sharing. I am sharing to help understanding about a condition that doesn’t make sense! There are people who think mental illnesses are something you can just get over and it’s like diabetes or heart disease – you just can’t see it by looking at a person but it’s very real and needs special treatment with both medication and therapy. It’s an inside job until the bad stuff happens and can be seen in behavior!
My Aunt directed me to a great passage in the Bible that she wants to memorize:
Philippians 4:8 New International Version 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Took my phone along for a short walk last night Cheerful pink roses Are these daffodils? My best buddy enjoying some patio time this morning
Hello there! How are you today? It’s a bright and sunny day here. I haven’t been taking pictures lately as I haven’t been on my usual walks in the afternoon. My back is feeling better so I need to get back to it! There is beauty happening!
Todays prompt is a great one. Just last night before trying to fall asleep I talked out loud to Jesus. I haven’t done that in a very long time. Spirituality, relationship with God is very important to me and is a favorite subject to discuss. Ever since what happened last August, I have felt kind of distant from God. I felt like God had abandoned me but that’s probably to the contrary of reality. If I had kept going on the path I was on I probably would have ended up in jail! God intervened in the most extreme way. I was convinced, once again, the world was ending and Jesus was coming back. I felt like he was taking too long so I was going to initiate things on my own! Not a good idea! I never want to be in the situation to be tased again! It was very traumatic. I just wasn’t in control of myself anymore.
When I get overcome by the spirit world, which is what has happened prior to me being hospitalized every time, I become very reckless and sometimes even angry and violent – not entirely in charge of “driving my car.” The car being my body. It’s like being possessed by forces beyond my control. This last time I took a meat cleaver to the inside of my house and broke a bunch of momentos and other things that were glass. I got rid of all my identification. I was convinced that my Link had been left to die in the house. There are a lot of things I don’t remember happening – they are blacked out. Thank God for my family! They came and restored order to my little house and they all are the extensions of the living God in my life.
When I have talked to most Christians, especially women, they have said loving Jesus is about relationship not religion. From my own experience, I agree! I have to be careful to not get too religious. I have been neglecting and struggling with my relationship because of my health lately. This swaying motion in my head , fullness in my ears and playing with the cocktail to get my mental health right has affected my relationship with Jesus AND myself. Everything is such an effort and I get so tired so easily so I want to sleep a lot. My patterns for sleep and being awake are all wonky. My doctors think it’s the medication and we will be trying something new, Abilify, to see if things get better.
I just want my spiritual/creative juices back! The kicker is with the medication to control mania, whatever it ends up being, I will probably never be as creative as I once was. With Bipolar 1, which is my primary diagnosis, mania is to be avoided and is the primary target of the medication I take. It’s either risk being overcome by mania and be creative or not be manic and have little to no creativity. I want peace of mind for myself and those who love and care about me. So who I once was is forever on the chopping block! I used to feel so close to God as I understood him. The ways of that connection, my creativity, spirituality, have been stifled ever since I started taking heavier medications. I haven’t drawn a picture or written a poem, crocheted, made jewelry or done something that I used to do in almost a year! Anything I have done has felt forced – not just flowing with usual ease it used to. It’s like writers block. I try to just take a pen to paper and nothing comes.
I have to remind myself that I need to focus on what I can do – not on what I can’t! Taking pictures on walks has become one of the new ways to share my eyes for Gods beautiful creation but even that is limited by my physical health!
One of the last drawings I’ve done. This was about going to Grace House, a home Grace Bible Church has leased within walking distance for me.
Matthew 8:28-34New American Standard Bible
Jesus Sends Demons into Pigs
28 And when He came to the other side into the country of the Gadarenes, two demon-possessed men confronted Him as they were coming out of the tombs. They were so extremely violent that no one could pass by that way. 29 And they cried out, saying, “[a]What business do You have with us, Son of God? Have You come here to torment us before [b]the time?” 30 Now there was a herd of many pigs feeding at a distance from them. 31 And the demons begged Him, saying, “If You are going to cast us out, send us into the herd of pigs.”32 And He said to them, “Go!” And they came out and went into the pigs; and behold, the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the sea and [c]drowned in the waters. 33 And the herdsmen ran away, and went to the city and reported everything, [d]including what had happened to the demon-possessed men. 34 And behold, the whole city came out to meet Jesus; and when they saw Him, they pleaded with Him to leave their region.
Hello to you. How are you? I’m doing ok. Just took Link for his little business walk. It’s really warm and sunny out again today. I will try and get a longer walk later.
Todays prompt is kind of hard to answer as I am a low maintenance kind of girl. On occasion I color my hair but that’s about it for special self care. I keep my nails short and don’t get them manicured professionally. I think the last time I experienced a pedicure was before I got married to my second husband – got my eye brows done then too. That was in 2008! The last time I went to a spa I got a hot rock massage and that’s when I was still living in Florida. My sponsor from AA and I went.
Proverbs 19:8New International Version
8 The one who gets wisdom loves life; the one who cherishes understanding will soon prosper.
Hello to you. How are you? I just got off the phone with the pharmacy through the VA. We decided to take me off the Metaformin as I’ve been having diarrhea taking it. She wants me to try Abilify and taper off of Olanzapine as the side effects of Olanzapine (Zyprexa) are weight gain and fatigue. Apparently Abilify is better about that. She is thinking may be of taking me off of Depakote eventually too – which would be nice. I’m so tired of this pharmaceutical cocktail business! In the end it will hopefully be worth it!
James 5:14-16 NIV
14 Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven.
Hello to you. Hope this finds you doing well. I haven’t been out for a walk in a couple of days so no new pictures have been taken. Link hasn’t wanted to get around the block either. He’s turning into a little old man even though he looks like a puppy to me!
Wesley Byers
Todays prompt takes me back to senior high school. That’s when and where I had my first crush. His name was Wesley Byers and sadly he died of cancer on 4 June 2020 – fought for four years with it. Wes was a year ahead of me and it was his close resemblance to David Bowie that initially drew me to him. He hung out with a girl named Joy Farris – just good friends. My friend Laura encouraged me to persue him and we did naughty stuff like put whip cream on his house and donuts under his tires! I know childish but later we actually did meet. We went to the mall together as our first “date.” He picked me up in his blue Malibu car. My Mom and Dad figured out immediately that he was gay – I was clueless! We talked about a bunch of things and it was like talking to myself. We had so much in common to include music like Madonna. One of my favorite memories was visiting him at his house. I remember sitting in his kitchen and just being so happy- he was so beautiful. He had golden hair and brilliant blue eyes and such a lovely smile. In the summer when I took the girl I was babysitting for swim lessons we got to visit as his brother and sister went to lessons too.
The last exchange we had was while I was in the military and had started dating my soon to be husband Ken. Wes had been arrested for shoplifting and in response to the letter he wrote I wrote him a poem Prison of Tears. That’s the last I heard from him. I checked on him periodically through the years. I found out through Facebook my parents inklings about him were correct – he was gay and found a partner. What I found out more recently was he was doing drag with a stage name Roxy Marquis. There are a few videos of his shows on You tube : https://youtu.be/NalAoTySGwU
Hello to you. How are you? I was supposed to start volunteering today but couldn’t do it. I moved the wrong way a couple days ago and even with a back brace could hardly walk without pain. I don’t like to take Tylenol or other pain medication because a lot of times it doesn’t work for me and it’s hard on the liver over time. I’m already taking medications that are tough on my liver.
The gal I’ve been communicating with at the Food Pantry said she has Tuesdays covered now but would let me know if anything opens up. This is a case of my spirit being stronger than my body! I’m kind of disappointed in myself but I think it was the right thing to do. If I am supposed to volunteer at the pantry I feel another opportunity will present itself.
Psalm 73:26New International Version
26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Hello to you. How is your week going so far? I went over and helped a tiny bit at the Middleton Food Pantry this morning. The two gals there were really nice and the place seemed really well organized. I dated some items expiration dates. My lower back wasn’t happy but I wanted to help. They need help on Saturdays also – that’s the day they give out food but I didn’t commit to that – at least not yet! It’s so easy to get over committed to these places – that’s what happened to me before and I ended up quitting. I will pray about this.
I am trying out volunteering at our local Food PantryStopped at the Sunrise Diner on the way home
Proverbs 22:9New International Version
9 The generous will themselves be blessed, for they share their food with the poor.
Hello to you. How are you today? Todays prompt is about fears I’ve overcome. The biggest one I have had to overcome is the fear of death. I think we all have a healthy fear of that! Ever since death took so many that I have loved – people and animals, I have had to accept that death is a part of life. At some point I too will have to let go of my clutch of this life and go and see what’s next.
Nature and animals have shown me a lot about life after death. I can remember after spreading Sam and Blondies ashes around our oak tree in the front yard millions of pale flying insects came forth. Seeing that happen was kind of like seeing proof of life after death. From ash comes life.
Delicious peonies – these smell so good! Flowers I’ve never seen before A large garden is underway There is always something to see on the walk. It’s interesting to see life springing from seemingly nothing sometimes. Spring and summer are a nice reminder of life after the death and slumber of winter.
Revelation 21:4. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. …
Psalm 34:18. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 147:3. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Hello there! How are you? Todays prompt is a good one to contemplate about. When I think of the word legacy I think of a tombstone with a birth date, a dash and a death date. There is so much that littledash represents for most people. It comprises all the little things, the small moments that make up a life. From all the mornings with coffee on theporch, weddings, going to church, days spent at work, walks, getting a hair cut, playing with pets and or children. So many little things we take for granted are in that little dash.
I hope my dash, my legacy is a positive one and will be recalled by those I leave behind with love. These past couple of years I have been kind of dormant. My health condition has made it harder to be who I want to be. I have had to adjust and change – focus on what I can do not what I can’t. I’ve come a long way from even my first year living here in Idaho. There were so many things I was convinced I couldn’t do. I was shell shocked in my body. Everything I used to be able to do with ease I had to work to be able to do again. Stuff like even taking a shower by myself!
I hope the legacy I leave behind will be one of ultimate inspiration – never give up on yourself or others. Always look for the beauty in life around you and you will be rewarded to find it.
I was treated to a surprise last night One of my neighbors rose bush is already in bloomAbsolute beauty – my Grandma Schmidt left behind in her legacy the beauty I find in roses. She cared for hers so much. Roses also make me think of Saint Therese Lisieux of the Little Flower. One of her signs is roses.
Hello to you. How are you today? Todays prompt calls to mind a story. It was the early morning of my husbands 35th birthday and I was awake. My spirit was moving faster than my body. I went in the garage looking for something and found a huge black cockroach on the wall. This startled me! Then it suddenly flew at me and I grabbed an old purse and threw it to try and stop it from flying on me. In doing this I lost my balance and fell. All the weight of the fall went to my left wrist. Thank God Kyle was home to take me to the emergency room! The people that helped me were kind of scary and I didn’t trust them, they put my wrist in a cast. All the while this was going on, I felt so bad to have ruined Kyles birthday!
The healing process was frustrating – I rebelled against wearing an immobilizing cast. I liked a Velcro brace best. You can tell my wrist has been broken but it healed pretty good.
You can tell my wrist was broken.
Jeremiah 17:14 NIV
14 Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.
To be 