19 November 2021 In the Middle

Hello. I’m writing to you from a place in the middle. I’m bored out of my fucking mind….just waiting for the “next thing” to happen. This is me talking to God in words. I don’t know if it will make sense.

“I walk the margins to avoid the shattered glass. I grasp at this and that feeding the ever expanding me. I can’t escape me no matter how hard I try. This shiny and that shiny a fleeting glimmer in the expanding and contracting black holes at the center of my eyes…..more there must be more than this! Is this the best you have to offer?!! Be still you tell me. The silence in stillness is maddening what’s next?! I scream inside…..I walk and let out silent screams. Can you hear me?! I walk on the shattered glass now just so I’ll feel the margins….feel anything but this endless middle place between now and then. It’s never enough. I’m perpetually hungry from my stomach to my soul. God What will you do with this vibrating slab of me? You have stripped me down to echoes. What am I undirected and left to my own devices? An automaton waiting for some unseen hand to activate me? Always waiting for someone or something to inspire movement ? I used to have thoughts of my own. A will of my own . God where have I gone?”

18 November 2021 Progress Not Perfection

Hello to you. How are you? I’m sitting here with my coffee and Link….so grateful to write to you today! Even though it’s overcast and gray there is light inside. Sometimes you have to generate light for yourself even if you are surrounded by darkness.

Progress not perfection…….baby steps. Last night my friend reminded me how far I’ve come in just a short time. We went from buying an insect ridden drum, starting a Meetup Group, going to a Meetup Group and ended up making a friend and then starting to drive more all in just a couple of months! Gradually a life is unfolding for me here.

I attribute my progress to God, my family and friends. I asked God….I continue to ask God and I continue to be heard. This passage speaks to me of the times I didn’t ask and tried to do it on my own:

James 4:2New International Version

2 You desire but do not have, so you kill.(A) You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.

The way things are right now. Sometimes it’s confusing to know which door to walk through next. I have help. If it ain’t light (in my chest) it ain’t right!

15 November 2021 Good night

Hello. It’s 1003 pm here as I write. I should be winding down and going to sleep but I can’t for some reason. I feel tired but as soon as the lights are out my eyes pop open. I just lay in the dark awake. Does that happen to you? I have tried a couple different sleep aides but none of them work not even Benadryl! I want a deep sleep with happy dreams! Some of my favorite dreams are when I get to fly. You just jump up and oops there goes gravity!

“Eyes wide shut the dark night pulls it’s strings on the curtain call of this day.”

“She closed her eyes and the sky was a brilliant blue. The sunlight was soft….no clouds. She reached her hands towards the sky and gave a little jump…up up and away she flew. “ That was what happened in one of my flying dreams .

Well I’m going to try and fall asleep again. Goodnight.

13 November 2021 Saturday

Where’s the sunshine Mom?

Good morning to you from here. It’s a misty cold Saturday as I write. How are you?

My imagination going a little wild this morning!

So I’ve been kind of binge watching Slapped Ham YouTube videos. Some of the videos really make you go hmmmm. With software editing technology being what it is today and people’s motives you can’t really take any of them at face value. You have to question even the ones that you want to be true like those with light beings. So many experiences are not recorded.

My ex husband I had something happen to us in our first apartment in Delaware.

One night I was laying on my stomach at the edge of the bed and suddenly started to feel like throwing up and that I was being choked. My husband yelled and it stopped. The bedroom was really cold. We ran out and stayed out for a few minutes. When we went back in the room it was freezing cold. My husband told me he saw a black cloud hovering over me while I was being choked. The next day we watched people taking someone in a body bag on a stretcher out of the house directly across the street! We had waved at the woman living there many times. After that day we went over with flowers to give our condolences but the house had been condemned! Several months later new people moved in and we never saw the lady again.

“The longer I live and the more I see the stronger I clutch on to thee. Where shadows dwell with rancid hell I pray you will always light the way for me.”

11 November 2021 New Worlds – Courage to Walk Through Doors

Good day to you. I want to open this post today with the scene from the movie about Temple Grandin it brought tears to my eyes this morning: https://youtu.be/48V1GRrwhd8

I have to change my perception of the world I live in or I’m going to stay stuck!

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. “ Joshua 1:9

New worlds behind every door.

Some doors you cannot see. The door I have to get more courage to walk through is the door within myself. Like I told my therapist this week I feel like I’m sitting on my couch with Link and my phone white knuckling it through my life. I’m afraid to live and life keeps passing me by.

People will make suggestions about what I should or could do and I discount them with one excuse or another. Nothing fits right. At my core I’m still grieving my losses. Last night I watched a rebroadcast of a sermon by Steven Furtick and what he said really resonated, stop crying the best is yet to come: https://youtu.be/SmhH89V_1h0.

“What door God is meant for me? How many doors must I open to find a place for me?”

A salute to my fellow Veterans today is Veterans Day.

10 November 2021 Grandpa

From left to right my Grandpa Harold Becker with his brothers Herman and Robert. Robert turned 100 this year!

I am thinking of my Grandpa today. If you knew him he would have brought a smile to your face. He was always cracking jokes and laughing….”put your money where your mouth is kiddo!”

My Grandpa took his own life due to depression after a stroke back in September of 2000. When I found out he had done this I was worried about his soul. I asked God to show me he was alright and some time later I had this dream. I dreamt that my Grandpa was in my body and we danced! We danced with my first husband Ken. Then we told my Grandma who was his ex wife that I would see her on the other side. He told his wife Charlie that he was sorry for what he had done (taking his own life). Then we tripped and Grandpa popped out of my body. The next thing I saw was him way off in the distance preparing to go into a church. He yelled “there is life after death if you believe in Jesus Christ!” Then I woke up. That dream helped me so much!

I miss my Grandpa but feel certain he is ok. There has always been this belief that if you take your own life you are either going to hell or purgatory. The dream I had seemed to show something else. My Grandpa served God most of his life as a Pastor but after my Mom took her own life he really questioned everything he knew. I believe he lost his faith. He was so tormented about her death. I can remember as a little girl in the dining room of my house in Sioux Falls sitting with Grandpa and his just looking at me and sobbing “I’m so sorry!” I think he gave up on God but God didn’t give up on him. I don’t think my dream was just a coincidence. I asked God if Grandpa was ok and the answer was that he was. He just needed a little help!

“Open my mind God so that I might see that the path is short between you and me.”

9 November 2021 Living

Hello. How are you today? I’m writing a little bit earlier. It’s raining out and I’m grateful but not looking forward to going out in it. I opened the back door to let Link out and he was like “no way!”

So yesterday’s therapy session yielded some nuggets of truth. One was I have an issue with control and the other being patient enough to see what God has planned for me. My therapist shared a powerful quote/message with me, “May be God doesn’t show us his entire plan for us because we’d try to get there by ourselves.” When I was having my episodes with full life reviews using objects in the house to symbolize people, places, things I just didn’t rest. They were like pieces on an elaborate game board. There was always one more move. The message from my therapist is so true. The game of each life is so intricate that in the flesh we just can’t handle it all at once. I wasn’t sleeping. I didn’t want to eat much. I wasn’t spending quality time with my husband or my pets.

I’m so glad the episodes have stopped but my wanting to control everything hasn’t! The control issue goes back to my childhood. My extreme expression of wanting control was my becoming anorexic and bulemic. The bulemia lasted in to my 30’s! I hold on too tight to life. The challenge for me at this phase of life is to let Gods more. I’m not in charge of everything!

After I got home I walked to Rockin M Salon to get a haircut. It was good to see Trina again. she had recently moved from in town to a hobby farm in Emmett. Apparently Middleton has some of the highest taxes in the state. It would have been nice to know that before I moved here! In the past few months she’s lost like 10 clients. That’s significant! I hope I don’t get any surprises at tax time !

“Little child let me take the reigns. Trust me to guide you and alleviate your pains. There are to many pieces for you to hold. I know you are afraid to get old. Let my presence soothe your fears. Let me wipe your tears. I am here. There is nothing to fear. “

8 November 2021 Freezing

Good day to you in your where and when! How are you? Im doing ok. Woke up to freezing temperatures this morning. I had to go out and put the styrofoam thingy on my outside water spigot. The hose I have out there is frozen stiff. Boy am I not ready for this! Nature doesn’t really care though lol!

I had a long dream last night. It was about people preparing to evacuate, some at the last minute, from a planned nuclear bomb detonation. Why would I dream about such a thing?! I guess between stuff I watched and something that happened in my past my mind made a movie.

When I was living in Alvarado I was always afraid the place was going to blow up. The place was surrounded by gas lines. One time I even made my ex round up the animals and go to my friends house because I had a vision the place was going to blow up. Of course it didn’t but I was convinced it was going to. A year or so later I was walking home from the store and noticed there was a gas leak and reported it. I wonder if I had ignored it if something bad would have happened. I’m not a fan of natural gas! It burns clean but is dirty as hell to get it. It takes between 4 to 10 million gallons of water to frack a gas well. Once that water is used you can’t reuse it for drinking water.

My Crystal and orgonite collection

I want to take a moment to thank you readers for coming to visit me here! It means a lot to me that you take time out of your busy lives for me.

“ Change of seasons round and round they spin. One winter frosts and another summer begins. In the midst of it all I stand quite still. This glowing blue ember doing what it will. So resilient and strong…so patient as we attempt to right every wrong. Everywhere are eyes above and below….watching and waiting. Soon there will be snow.”

6 November 2021 Where Does Energy Go

Good morning to you. It’s morning yet in my here and now. Hope this finds you doing well. I have my probably too sweet cup of coffee and my writing buddy Link. I’ve been thinking about something the past couple of days. It has to do with energy.

So you are sitting in a theater watching a movie with a bunch of of other people. The movie has really strong characters. You feel intently about these characters. You cry, you laugh, you get angry and may be even find yourself imagining being in the circumstances of the characters. Then it’s over. Roll credits. After the movie you talk about it. You might read about it in a magazine or on a news feed on your phone. Later comes the award shows and red carpet premiers of the people in the movie. The movie is released to the public and you buy a copy of the film. You watch it again at home . Sometimes you will think of specific lines from the movie and use them in your own life. Eventually comes the day the movie goes on a shelf and it’s not forgotten but superseded by another film. This process I’m talking about applies to television shows too.

What I’ve just described is a life.

There is a tremendous amount of energy focused on these characters born out of imagination. Where does all that energy go when we are done with it? Many of these characters become part of an actor or actress’s identity. They become known for the characters they play and some of those characters are so dark in their nature. I’m thinking of Heath Ledgers Joker and Aaliyahs Akashi. The darkness they bring is often lauded and emulated. It’s not contained on the screen. There is a sort of life lived through our living eyes… our bodies. Whether the character is good or bad they have achieved immortality. There is proof they existed.

It’s not just fictional characters that attain immortality. As I sit here I think of the trillions of “avatars” God has used through time. Some flashing for a mere second and others hours. Think about all the social media posts and YouTube. All those people and these days animals all immortalized. How about books ? Magazines, newspapers and photographs ?

All of us saying in numerous ways “Remember me!” “ I existed!” It kind of makes me ache inside. So much of what we are now is electronic. I have a hard drive full of important stuff and all it took was a couple drops on the tile and I can’t access that stuff anymore! All it takes is a cell phone to stop working and thousands of pictures are lost. The movie, television and book industry is a little more secure by making and selling millions of copies of their merchandise but even that is fading to live stream and online streaming . Existence is fragile in the electronic world. All it takes now is a power outage and tangible immortality is gone.

Where are we headed with all that we have created? I know it’s meant to be entertainment but sometimes it feels like I’m living in a world filled with golden calves. So much energy…so much adoration lavished on these imagined people and worlds. Giants on the big screen so we won’t be bored on our long journey to other worlds together.

To be “saved” usually means to accept Jesus Christ as your savior but what I see in our world is your image being saved on some device. If we didn’t have written copies of the Bible even Jesus would be lost in time. He said he would come back but didn’t say how. How many versions of his life have been made in television and movies?

A lot to think about here. Time keeps marching on. Technology keeps evolving. Where are we headed in out quest to survive? To not be lost in time? To not be bored?