24 September 2020 Who is God

Hello to you, how are you doing today?  I hope this finds you doing well in your here and now as you visit me here.

I was trying to think of what to write today and a conversation I just had on healthfulchats.com helped me.  A long while ago I had written a paper about my theory that the first great beings were trees and everything came after that.  I had it posted here but have long since deleted it, In Beginning was Symbiosis. Some of the oldest life forms on the planet are trees and a few of them are still around https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_oldest_trees.  Well thinking about that subject made me think about God and who God is.

People often ask me if I believe in God and I say yes. The natural tendency after that is to want to talk about the bible.  Then if I have chosen Jesus as my personal savior and to that that I always say Jesus is the best part of the book.  Who’s flesh and blood was sacrificed in those early years so that early Bible’s might exist?  Trees, animals and plants.

What I believe is the Earth is God and everything and everyone alive on top is an extension of God.  For every right there is a left aka cause and affect.  There is only good and evil depending on who is perceiving things.  People make things good and evil.   An example I used today about this was the dandelion.  To at least 5 or 6 species of insect the dandelion is a food source.  I witnessed this myself in my backyard.  So to much of creation the dandelion is food but to some people and a bunch of weed fertilizer companies, the dandelion is just a weed.  Who taught them it was just a weed?

Just like with most everything in existence, dandelions were created for a reason and have a reason for existence.  To me they are a flower with antioxident properties. A little info I found about dandelions there are tons of websites:  https://jhiblog.org/2020/05/20/a-dandelion-story-from-medieval-herbals-to-wholefoods/

Who is God” in the English Ordinal system equals 100 (this is pretty interesting – 1 and two zero’s)

dandelion” in the English Ordinal system equals 78

26 August 2020 Medication and Development

Hello to you today.  How are you? I sincerely hope wherever and whenever you are visiting life is treating you well.

As for me…well….I wish I could say I am doing great! Fantastic! I am all better!  Such is not the case every morning.  Ever since I left the hospital 27 April of this year I have been changed.  I am trying to move forward and move on with so may things.  I would never of imagined then that I would be in my Aunts house writing this now.

My medication is a big part of what is going on for me.  Some times it feels like it isn’t working at all and other days I can’t imagine being without it!  Being bipolar affects me on so many levels.  Some days, some moments I feel like I could handle just about anything and then just one minor blip and nope can’t handle anything.  I find myself grasping about for someone….anyone to talk to so I can work through what I am feeling.

Looking at medication as a number and patterns it’s pretty interesting how accurate it is at describing the process:

medication” in the English Ordinal system equals 93 (ironically my short name in the numbers, Jackie = 39! no yes, no, may be process)

nine three” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (no in eternity and or racetrack of life)

nine eight ” in the English Ordinal system equals 91 (no for one also this number is spirit)

nine one” in the English Ordinal system equals 76 (all vices in check and all vices in check but one and it’s my maiden name!)

seven six ” in the English Ordinal system equals 117 ( two separate ones of self all vices in check)

one one seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (one in a yes, no may be and yes, no may be process)

one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one right side of the brain all vices in check but one)

Thinking of development and change. Something I have noticed since moving here to Idaho is growth.  A lot of farmers seem to be selling their land to housing developers.  I am just going to look at the phrase housing development:

housing development” in the English Ordinal system equals 224 (light and shadow self process of self with light and shadow process of self with right side of the brain)

two two four” in the English Ordinal system equals 176 (one all vices in check with all vices in the check but one)

one seven six” in the English Ordinal system equals 151 (one all senses of one)

one five one” in the English Ordinal system equals 110 (one in one with object)

one one zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 132 (one with yes, no, may be with light and shadow of self)

one three two” in the English Ordinal system equals 148 (one left side brain in eternity and or racetrack of life)

one four eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 143 (one left side brain in yes, no may be process)

one four three” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all senses and object)

one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 (one left side brain and object)

one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 (one all senses in eternity and or racetrack of life)

one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one in light and shadow of self all senses)

one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes, no, may be with right side of brain)

 

farming ” in the English Ordinal system equals 68  (all vices in check but one in eternity and or racetrack of life)

(planet” in the English Ordinal system equals 68)

six eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 101 (one object in the center one )

one zero one ” in the English Ordinal system equals 132  (one with yes, no, may be with light and shadow of self)

 

farm” in the English Ordinal system equals 38 (yes, no may be in eternity and or racetrack of life)

(“balance” in the English Ordinal system equals 38)

 

world” in the English Ordinal system equals 72 (all vices in check with the light and shadow of self process )

(“money ” in the English Ordinal system equals 72)

 

(pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony, and sloth,  – these are the vices I am thinking of )

 

 

 

 

 

5 August 2020 Surreality

Hello and good morning to you wherever and whenever you visiting me here.  How are you?  I am kind of in a weird space right now which I’m calling surreality.   It’s the funny place you are in when you are in between reality and not really feeling things are real yet.

For most of the time I have been here at my Aunt and Uncles place things have felt like surreality.  The biggest reason being that I am still tethered back in Alvarado with the house and memories.  A part of me has been resisting the move and keeps wanting me to go back.  I know I can’t now with all that has happened or if I tried it would be extremely difficult!  I have to move forward now and I am not sure what that will look like,

I have to take each moment as it comes and hope it’s better than the last.  I have made a ‘ll new friend I am meeting Saturday and I’m nervous about it but hoping it will be worth both of our whiles.  I need to make more memories in my present so I can start putting the past behind me and stop feeling like I am being pulled apart.

 

surreality” in the English Ordinal system equals 148 (one brain process in eternity and or on the race track of life)

God has a plan” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (together=98)

4 Aug 2020 It’s hard to practice what you preach

Good morning and hello to you wherever and whenever you are,  Its a new day and I am finding myself wondering what to do with it!  So I decided to write a bit.  The topic that came to mind is about how hard it is to practice what you tell other people to do – to put into practice what you preach.

For so many years I was in a happy space and everything was relatively easy and it was from that frame of mind that I did this blog.  When I had my husbands support I felt like I could do anything. Now I am on my own and I feel a lot differently.  I feel like the foundation to me has been removed and I am on a shifting surface.  So I am having to figure out how to support myself and it’s hard.

I have a dear friend who has been trying to help me be my own “safe person.”  For several months now she has been that person for me but she had to go back to work  She described herself as training wheels for me.  What’s funny is I was never the person that my family has been getting to know.  They didn’t know the confident, strong, self-reliant me at least not in person.  I used to be able to do a lot without having my hands held and now that is all changed. Now everything seems to be a big deal!

Staying in the present moment is particularly difficult with my mind that keeps wanting to drag me back to the past.  At age 52 I have a lot of past to sift through for every moment of the day.  As if late, I keep going back to Alvarado and the house and I have to let that go soon!

I used to be the one to dispense all kinds of advice and pep talks and now I am on the receiving end of  it and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn’t, it just makes it worse.  For someone to talk to me, it’s like they have to walk through a field of landmines of conversations that will blow up and provoke anxiety.

Practice what you preach” in the English Ordinal system equals 239 (Jackie is in this=39)

two three nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 156

one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141

What I am finding too is that since all this has happened everything makes me so sensitive.  This includes food and drink.  I have been off coffee and tea for several months now because of the jitters I get from my blood sugar changing.  I am having to learn how to eat and drink again.

Bottom line to all of this I’ve written is I am having learn how to live again because the life I had is gone.  I have to believe God has a plan for me just not sure what it is yet.

 

 

24 May 2020 Memories and Anxiety – coping with ghosts of the past

Hello to.  How are you doing today?  I’m up and got Link out on the morning drag.  When you walk Link it’s not always you walking him but him having a pretty good idea of what the walk is about.  He definitely has his own agenda!  Boy dog stuff – “I MUST pee here and  I MUST leave a dribble on this particular blade of grass.”   Since he’s been back home he’s also been barking in the house a lot more than I remember him doing before.  He and Spot used to bark, but not as much as he has been doing lately. He doesn’t have Daddy to keep  him line!

5 May 2020 Link and I on walk Parkway Park Alvarado TX

Lately I have been coping with anxiety that is associated with memories.  So much of my life is filled with my husband that with us being separated like we are, I have been having trouble.  Everything I do has a memory associated with him and that evokes a feeling of anxiety and longing in me,   Every part of the day from eating breakfast,  going for the morning walk, playing a video game we used to play and even taking a shower at night are all filled with memories…..ghosts of our shared past.   He  was and in my mind and heart still is, my everything.  I am having to make new patterns and I can feel myself resisting doing that.  I don’t want to figure out how to live my life without the man I love!  

My family has been reminding me that I have to stay in the now and quit going backwards to avoid those anxious feelings and it’s hard for me right now! I am sure God has a plan in all this but some of it sure seems to hurt!

I baked cupcakes yesterday to take out to him and the family for Memorial Day.   I had packed up a bunch of my kitchen stuff so it was nice to get it back out for that – to do something normal.  Hopefully the weather is going to cooperate.  They were talking about us getting potentially heavy rain tomorrow…..I hope not.  I have been looking forward to this for so long!  I miss my husband, Spot and most definitely seeing tangible family.

Not much else to write.  I’m trying to stay in the habit of writing as a part of my therapy and coping strategies.

Thank you for stopping by!

 

ghost” in the English Ordinal system equals 69

people” in the English Ordinal system equals 69

 

19 May 2020 Moment to Moment

Hello to you.  How are you doing today?  I’m doing better now that Link and I had our walk and then I made myself some breakfast!  I know, simple, normal things but it’s those little things that help me move forward.  The past couple of days have been a moment to moment kind of thing.  I will be feeling ok and then if I’m not careful I will start ruminating on things from the past or memories and just get all anxious inside.

I am realizing that I have always been this person my husband has left me alone with.  The difference before was I had work, running, playing video games or something else to help get rid of it.  So this time alone is definitely getting me reacquainted with a self I used to be and realizing what used to work isn’t going to work this time!

As I’ve said before, I do believe God has a plan for me and I’m pretty sure what I’m going through is part of it.   Some times only tough love gets what needs to be done accomplished.

From the people I’ve been talking to lately, a lot of anxiety going around so I’m definitely not alone.  We all just have something different we are going through, but we are definitely not alone.  With all this social distancing I find myself missing hugs and kisses a lot.  I’ve been sending and receiving a lot of virtual hugs lol – just not quite the same as real ones!

Anyhew – hope this finds you well and loved.

hugs and kisses” in the English Ordinal system equals 156/128/141/128……….

17 May 2020 Comfort from unlikely places – visit from Sam

Good morning to you. It’s Sunday as I write.  Link and I got out already and manage to get around the block together.  We snuggled all night and were reluctant to get out of bed but we needed to.   The past few days I have been set up in the bedroom with  my laptop.  I just haven’t felt like being in the rest of the house for too long right now.  I’m in the middle of a process right now and it’s a very uncomfortable place to be.

I have been receiving really good advice come from my faraway family and friends.   I have been practicing some of it the past couple of days.  The advice isn’t new but when you are in the middle of “the feelings” you just don’t remember crap to put it bluntly.  My cousins wife has helped me with remembering to do deep breathing, may be to try counting when I walk if I find myself ruminating on things too much.

The words of comfort and great advice help me in my head but my body is different.  I miss the tangible presence of my husband.  I miss hugs.  I miss kisses.  I miss waking up and seeing him and hearing his voice.   I miss having someone to talk to that at one time use to understand me better than I understood myself sometimes.

The Nothing Compares To You song was in my head this morning.  It’s the first song my husband and I listened to when we got home after Sam left us.

Sam visited me in my dreams last night and was so excited to see me.  He was bigger in our dream visit than when he was here in life.  He was healthy and vibrant and full of joy.  It was very comforting.  I think it was God working in mysterious ways again.  God just knew I needed comfort from an unlikely place, to have a visit from an old friend.

This morning I went and got the fleece version of him I sewed 9 years ago now and just held him this morning.  It helped me some to do that.

I sewed this fleece version of Sam 9 years ago. I started sewing these to help me with grief and it only makes sense this one would help me now.

Writing about all this is helping me process part of what’s happening in my life right now.  Thank you for visiting, reading, your kind thoughts and your prayers.

16 May 2020 Making it another day

Hello to you.  How are you doing today? I’m finding myself in a better place this morning.  I feel grateful to be making it to another day in the circumstances I find myself in.   I am trying to remain grateful.

Last night I had another battle with anxiety.  What happens is I start thinking too far ahead or ruminating on all the uncertainties in front of me and things I can’t control.  Then I start to get that extremely uncomfortable anxious feeling in my gut.   Relief has come from physical exertion and doing normal things.  I am having to relearn what normal things are for myself right now.  I find there are a lot of things I used to do that I just can’t bring myself to do right now.

I really feel like  I am really having a test in my life right now with the concept of mindfulness.  That concept of staying in the present moment.

I am having to ask myself internally a lot, “what can you do about it and if the answer is nothing right now why are you dwelling on it?”  Something my husband used to do for me and now I’m having to do for myself is to remind myself that worrying about things doesn’t do any good.  It’s usually easier said than done he’s right.

The pandemic is still here in Texas but they have really started to lift restrictions so places can open back up.  I went to get groceries yesterday at our local Brookshire’s and some of the shelves were cleared out!  One of the biggest areas that was cleared was the aisle with cleaning supplies – nothing but concentrated Clorox for example.  I can tell they are having trouble keeping some things stocked up right now.  I’m just grateful to be able to get the basics right now.

Well I hope however this blog finds you that you are well.  Everybody is telling me that I’m strong and that I will get through all that’s going on.  I’m just learning to take a few steps at a time and having a lot of faith.

 

15 May 2020 Clearing out (process)

Hello to you.  How are you today?  I am trying to start my day off right.  I made myself some breakfast and am trying to stay in the present moment which is kind of hard.  I have a lot on my mind these days with everything that is going on.  I know I’m not alone.  Each of us has a lot going on, it’s just a little different and varying degree for each person and situation.

So I am dealing with some anxiety I can’t seem to shake.   I miss my husband and the life we had together with Link and Spot when it was good.   I’m having to find what my life is now and it’s tough some moments.  It’s become a moment to moment sort of thing.  Through the wonders of technology I’ve managed to get closer to my family and some friends again.  I have found a couple chat rooms to be a helpful resource of being able to talk to people so I don’t feel so alone.  I’ve just been doing whatever I find is helpful to do to try and keep the anxiety and fear at bay.

Yesterday I got a little relief from my feelings by clearing some stuff out my husband and I don’t want to move.  My neighbors wanted some of the furniture we wanted to part with and I was only to happy to give it to them!  Things are narrowing down in the house to easy to move, easy to pack and that’s what we want.

I think the interacting with people and the physical exertion of moving the furniture helped me feel better inside.  I have been a bundle of nerves for several days now.  So much uncertainty.  I can imagine what I’m feeling is might be what people who have jobs and can’t work now are feeling because of the pandemic.  It’s definitely a feeling of being powerless.

So the house echo’s more now with less in it….kind of a weird thing but it’s just part of the clearing out process we are going through.  I’m sitting here with a laptop thinking of when my husband, Sam, May and Amber and I first got to this house.  We arrived and all we had were pillows, suitcases and a laptop.  I feeling things going full circle again in a way…but it’s just Link and me right now.

For whatever reason this is part of what God wants me to go through right now and I have to face it.  No matter how alone I may feel at times the past couple weeks have shown me I’m not.  I thankfully have Link.  There are people, to include my husband who care and are there for me if I need help.  I’m just having to do something that has never been easy for me and that is to ask.

14 May 2020 Support Systems

Hello to you.  How are you doing today?  Well I’m up, got a load of laundry in and some hot tea brewed.  I got some sleep last night which is important right now for me to stay strong.  I’m working on the new laptop I ordered  and so far so good on that.  I bought it planning for downsizing and mobility for my future.

So what’s on my mind after the past couple of days is support systems and how important they are to have when you are going through the many things I’m going through at once.   I just recently got out of the hospital.  We are planning to be sell our house.  I will be making a long distance move.  My husband and I are separated and will potentially be getting a divorce.  That’s a lot of stuff to go through at once!   Everybody that knows, loves and cares about me wants for my happiness so a support system is getting stronger to help me through all of this.

I have been talking a lot to the family I ultimately will be living with and near.  They have become a strong support system for me long distance but they have encouraged me to make sure I have something here as well.

My husband is only able to do so much considering what is going on between us.  I am realizing without him here with me just how much I relied on him for a bunch of things to include moral support.   It’s really hard living without him!  With everything that’s happened,  I can’t completely rely on him and his family now and understandably so.  They have already been very helpful and are doing what they can given the circumstances and for that I’m very grateful.

One of the big obstacles for me right now is living in the house with our shared stuff and contemplating getting a POD delivered and having to pack it.   I’m feeling a overwhelmed and have been experiencing a lot of anxiety.    My Aunt encouraged me to back off a little and allow my husband to do his part too.   What’s going on is a lot of the stuff we have isn’t even worth keeping or selling.  He’s already taken most of what he says he wants out of the house but there is a lot of furniture and clothing yet of his here.  I can’t just put everything to the curb for the garbage to pick up.  The garbage people only pick up so much stuff at a time.   I just have to be patient about this and trust we will get it all worked out.

So I am having to use the system that has been put in place for me and reach out in the ways I can so I stay connected.  With this pandemic going on things aren’t as easy as they used to be but at least there is something.

Like my Aunt told me yesterday, we are going to use the technology we have to our advantage.  She said she has been praying for me a lot and God even answered saying, “She’s your gift.”  I hope so, sometimes I don’t feel like one!  We decided we can talk every day if we want to!  We will do whatever we have to do to get through this as a family.

Yesterday I also had a long visit with my cousins wife who has a Master’s in Psychology and that really helped a lot.  She emphasized the importance of my utilizing the system I have access to.  For example just having someone to talk to at least once a week from a professional standpoint that isn’t family – someone to check on me kind of thing.  So I made contact with my Care Manager and arranged for that.  As she and I talked about, just having someone to talk to even for a few minutes really helps you get through the day. Something else wise she said, “we are not our problems.”   Hearing her say that really resonated with me.

I am sharing all of this as a way to help me help others if that makes sense. Writing also helps me process what  I’m going through.    Something I learned when I was in AA was to share my experience, strength and hope.  When you share the difficulties you are going through and how you are going through them, you can potentially help someone else facing similar circumstances.

Thank you in advance friends and family who visit me here and read.  Your support means a lot to me!