Tag: mental health

19 November 2021 In the Middle

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello. I’m writing to you from a place in the middle. I’m bored out of my fucking mind….just waiting for the “next thing” to happen. This is me talking to God in words. I don’t know if it will make sense.

“I walk the margins to avoid the shattered glass. I grasp at this and that feeding the ever expanding me. I can’t escape me no matter how hard I try. This shiny and that shiny a fleeting glimmer in the expanding and contracting black holes at the center of my eyes…..more there must be more than this! Is this the best you have to offer?!! Be still you tell me. The silence in stillness is maddening what’s next?! I scream inside…..I walk and let out silent screams. Can you hear me?! I walk on the shattered glass now just so I’ll feel the margins….feel anything but this endless middle place between now and then. It’s never enough. I’m perpetually hungry from my stomach to my soul. God What will you do with this vibrating slab of me? You have stripped me down to echoes. What am I undirected and left to my own devices? An automaton waiting for some unseen hand to activate me? Always waiting for someone or something to inspire movement ? I used to have thoughts of my own. A will of my own . God where have I gone?”

18 November 2021 Pushing Through

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Do you ever have a nagging physical sensation of being held back when you want to move forward? This feeling that you want to be doing something but you can’t for some invisible reason? But then from someplace inside you push yourself through what is blocking you. Do we even really know what’s in the way? For me one of the things that blocks me is fear of failure.

I heard a sermon by Pastor Steven Furtick today that really resonated. He talked about how God will give you the green light to go but Jesus isn’t going to drive the car….you have to do that! God will give you opportunities but you have to use your feet to get there.

https://youtu.be/OuOOz01LXaU – Get Out Of Your Feelings Pastor Steven Furtick

I need to get out of my own way. I keep giving the keys to my “car” to God and he says “No! I want you to drive!” Some of our most meaningful times have been when I just “randomly “ went someplace. I want to get strong enough for us to have those times again. I called them Missions. When you think you are going someplace you want to go out of the blue but it’s really God sending you out to do his work. No coincidences.

Hopefully something here resonates. Today is one of those writing days. Thanks for stopping by!

16 November 2021 Sunlight

by saymber, posted in Home, Mental Health, Short stories, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello and good morning from here. How are you? Did you get sleep ? I don’t feel like I got much. After my post last night I tossed and turned til like 1 am or later. I finally got up and took a couple Benadryl and that got me a couple hours. So anyways….got some coffee and beautiful sunshine is streaming in. Laundry is going. It’s a new day!

I read the story I posted yesterday to one of my friends and he asked “What happens next?!” That made me smile. I told him it was meant to be that way. That’s what a short story is. There really are light and shadow beings. The technology of today is finally able to capture their images.

Today I’m thinking about revisiting a story I wrote way back in Sr High School like 1985 or 86……..yes I’m an old fart! The story was called How The Rose Came To Be. I don’t want to dig through my storage bins to find it so I’ll start from scratch. I will make it a separate post .

Tomorrow I have something to look forward to. One of the ladies I met through Meetup has invited me to coffee! I had put out an intention to God that even if I only met one person and made a friend that would be good. Prayers are being answered!

14 November 2021 Safe

by saymber, posted in history, Home, Mental Health, Music, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hi. How are you? It’s 806 pm as I write you. Today has been a good day. For those of you that have been following along with me you know driving has been a thing for me. Today I drove the farthest I’ve driven here in Idaho and made it there and back safe….praise God and my guardian Angel! I had a really enjoyable visit with my family – it was a happy birthday!

Tonight I watched a live broadcast of Elevation Church’s Steven Furtick and his message really resonated. Steven had a unique style of preaching – so much energy! Don’t weep for what’s left you, whatever it is. Something better is coming!! Build on what remains. I have endured a lot of losses but a lot of good remains. A lot of good has come. God knows my heart and has not abandoned me to sorrow. Today I was crying for the loss of my husband to divorce and God filled the void with my loving family. I can’t go back….only forwards…..better!

I can remember being in my back yard in Texas crying because my world had gotten so small. I kept playing the song by Mind In A Box called Escape over and over. God had to move so many pieces to answer my pleas. I lost so much but as my new life unfolds I realize there was no other way. God delivered me and my husband. My husband was too young to be trapped as my caretaker and he just couldn’t help me. So many pieces have to move for just one moment….just one prayer.

13 November 2021 Saturday

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging
Where’s the sunshine Mom?

Good morning to you from here. It’s a misty cold Saturday as I write. How are you?

My imagination going a little wild this morning!

So I’ve been kind of binge watching Slapped Ham YouTube videos. Some of the videos really make you go hmmmm. With software editing technology being what it is today and people’s motives you can’t really take any of them at face value. You have to question even the ones that you want to be true like those with light beings. So many experiences are not recorded.

My ex husband I had something happen to us in our first apartment in Delaware.

One night I was laying on my stomach at the edge of the bed and suddenly started to feel like throwing up and that I was being choked. My husband yelled and it stopped. The bedroom was really cold. We ran out and stayed out for a few minutes. When we went back in the room it was freezing cold. My husband told me he saw a black cloud hovering over me while I was being choked. The next day we watched people taking someone in a body bag on a stretcher out of the house directly across the street! We had waved at the woman living there many times. After that day we went over with flowers to give our condolences but the house had been condemned! Several months later new people moved in and we never saw the lady again.

“The longer I live and the more I see the stronger I clutch on to thee. Where shadows dwell with rancid hell I pray you will always light the way for me.”

9 November 2021 Company

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Home, Mental Health, photography, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging
My handiwork and Gods this afternoon

Hi. It’s 6:42 pm in my world and it’s already dark ! I wasn’t going to write to you again today but here I am. Thank you for being some company for me! I don’t know if it’s like this for you, but when I write it’s like visiting with a friend. It helps me feel less lonely.

“My only friend what have I left undone? What path have I left untread under a fading sun. Who have I wronged and left outcast..this life or those of my past. Oh Lord why do I feel incomplete? My head heart and hands disconnected from my feet. I pray you will leave me bread crumbs made of stars….lead me, guide me, make me whole again even with all these scars. Let your light shine in my darkness….my alone. Return my innermost to what I have known. Complete your work in me no stone left unturned. Let me be a beacon of all that you have learned. No more days of feeling abandoned and cast out. Show me Lord what this has all been about.”

Do you ever feel that feeling? What is this all for? Everything you have been through was it random or some elaborate strategy game for God(s) to play? Are we just playthings of chance? I want to believe there is a grand design to all of this. I don’t want to believe it’s just some abandoned divine chemistry experiment.

Hopefully something here resonates. I think all of us travelers get weary sometimes. Some days make perfect nonsense….WHY?!!!! There usually will be an answer but it seems like sometimes we are never going to truly know. May be it’s just too much more than we can handle. Like the Jack Nicholson quote from the movie A Few Good Men “You can’t handle the truth!!!! “

I will close for now. Thank you for your company ! I’d love to hear from you on what I’ve discussed here if you have the time .

9 November 2021 Living

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, Money, Politics and Government, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello. How are you today? I’m writing a little bit earlier. It’s raining out and I’m grateful but not looking forward to going out in it. I opened the back door to let Link out and he was like “no way!”

So yesterday’s therapy session yielded some nuggets of truth. One was I have an issue with control and the other being patient enough to see what God has planned for me. My therapist shared a powerful quote/message with me, “May be God doesn’t show us his entire plan for us because we’d try to get there by ourselves.” When I was having my episodes with full life reviews using objects in the house to symbolize people, places, things I just didn’t rest. They were like pieces on an elaborate game board. There was always one more move. The message from my therapist is so true. The game of each life is so intricate that in the flesh we just can’t handle it all at once. I wasn’t sleeping. I didn’t want to eat much. I wasn’t spending quality time with my husband or my pets.

I’m so glad the episodes have stopped but my wanting to control everything hasn’t! The control issue goes back to my childhood. My extreme expression of wanting control was my becoming anorexic and bulemic. The bulemia lasted in to my 30’s! I hold on too tight to life. The challenge for me at this phase of life is to let Gods more. I’m not in charge of everything!

After I got home I walked to Rockin M Salon to get a haircut. It was good to see Trina again. she had recently moved from in town to a hobby farm in Emmett. Apparently Middleton has some of the highest taxes in the state. It would have been nice to know that before I moved here! In the past few months she’s lost like 10 clients. That’s significant! I hope I don’t get any surprises at tax time !

“Little child let me take the reigns. Trust me to guide you and alleviate your pains. There are to many pieces for you to hold. I know you are afraid to get old. Let my presence soothe your fears. Let me wipe your tears. I am here. There is nothing to fear. “

8 November 2021 Freezing

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, Health, history, Home, Mental Health, Nature, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Good day to you in your where and when! How are you? Im doing ok. Woke up to freezing temperatures this morning. I had to go out and put the styrofoam thingy on my outside water spigot. The hose I have out there is frozen stiff. Boy am I not ready for this! Nature doesn’t really care though lol!

I had a long dream last night. It was about people preparing to evacuate, some at the last minute, from a planned nuclear bomb detonation. Why would I dream about such a thing?! I guess between stuff I watched and something that happened in my past my mind made a movie.

When I was living in Alvarado I was always afraid the place was going to blow up. The place was surrounded by gas lines. One time I even made my ex round up the animals and go to my friends house because I had a vision the place was going to blow up. Of course it didn’t but I was convinced it was going to. A year or so later I was walking home from the store and noticed there was a gas leak and reported it. I wonder if I had ignored it if something bad would have happened. I’m not a fan of natural gas! It burns clean but is dirty as hell to get it. It takes between 4 to 10 million gallons of water to frack a gas well. Once that water is used you can’t reuse it for drinking water.

My Crystal and orgonite collection

I want to take a moment to thank you readers for coming to visit me here! It means a lot to me that you take time out of your busy lives for me.

“ Change of seasons round and round they spin. One winter frosts and another summer begins. In the midst of it all I stand quite still. This glowing blue ember doing what it will. So resilient and strong…so patient as we attempt to right every wrong. Everywhere are eyes above and below….watching and waiting. Soon there will be snow.”

7 November 2021 Observer

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, drawing, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello. How are you? Did you “fall back?” It’s that time of year again where we get the hour we lost in the spring back. Even though it’s just an hour I still feel it!

Do you ever feel like your just an observer of your life not a participant? I am kind of feeling that way today. I’m having trouble being comfortable in my own skin.

Sometimes life feels heavy

I tried watching online church services today and just couldn’t stay focused. God will reach me somehow!

4 November 2021 Paralyzed

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, dreams, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hi. How are you? It’s still kind of dark as I write to you. I had something happen to me last night that was pretty scary. I had a bad dream and was in between being awake and asleep when I felt like I couldn’t move! My eyes were open and I was thinking because I couldn’t speak. “ Please don’t do this!” My feet were kicking trying to get free but my upper body was paralyzed. It lasted for a couple of minutes. It felt like someone was in the room with me besides Link but I couldn’t see anyone. Link didn’t bark but just ended up getting out of bed because my feet’s frantic movement scared him.

“For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways” psalm 91:11

I can remember begging to see and talk to my guardian Angel. I was in my living room in Texas about 5 of so years ago now. I had tears in my eyes and I begged to see him. I had asked before that day what his name was and I heard the name Deegan which means “black haired one.” What happened the next four years was like a dress rehearsal for dying. People who have had near death experiences talk about having full life reviews. I was having that kind of experience over and over. Trying to riddle out using objects in my house, my entire life. It destroyed my entire life as I knew it. That combined with my refusing to take medication and go to the hospital. I just couldn’t stop thinking or talking. In the spirit realm they don’t get tired…. there was always just one more thing. I couldn’t rest.

Was what I went through just psychosis or did my Angel show me why we could never meet in the mortal coil?

What I went through always ended with me screaming and yelling at a POW flag I had bought. It symbolized 9/11 and war. I felt so much rage! That event in our shared history hurt me so much!

There is an in between world and I have been in it. I felt during my last episode that I was a living ghost vessel. Spirits seemed to use me both positive and negative. Some days all I did was yell. Others was just crying. Others was just hearing voices when I spoke that were not mine. One day an energy that identified as the singer Chris Cornell “took me to get groceries and we bought flowers.” I was driving the car but in my minds eye he was driving. When I checked out I could hear his voice not mine. It was like all these energies of living and dead were “on top” of mine. They kept keeping me down because all I would do is cry. This all happened after my husband left me.

Two of the most exhausting energies that came through were a Hitler and what I call “The Joker.” I was either yelling all the time in a tone like Hitler or finding absolutely every side to any issue you could think of. I was even doing that side tongue lick Heath Ledger did for his potrayal of the Joker. I would go in my bedroom closet and just go on and on! One energy was with me the longest and that was Jesus. He claimed to have been with me since my psychic explosion on 2 November 2002. I was speaking some kind of language I vaguely understood. My husband would get so frustrated with me talking to the tv in “gibberish.”

The reason I’m sharing all this is to give some insight into what I went through after asking to see my guardian. Not all of mental illness is just mental illness. What I went through is like my guardian got relieved of their post! I became like a plaything for the spirit world, the in between. Because I didn’t have a grounded faith I was fair game!

If I can impress upon you anything about what I’ve shared here believe in something and stick to it! What’s happened to me is my concept of God is EVERYTHING! So everything that happens to us good and bad, positive and negative is all of God. It’s easier to comprehend Jesus, Buddha, Allah and Shiva as individual representations of God than to believe in a God that is ALL things. Jesus is merciful and kind whereas his father isn’t always . I am currently working on my faith . I don’t want what happened to me in 2015 on to happen again.