Category: Mental Health

18 October 2021 Return?

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, history, In the News, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Writing and blogging

Hello again. I hope you don’t mind a late afternoon visit. I’m feeling lonely and can use the company. Today has been long like most of my days this past year. To be honest it feels like I’m waiting for someone to return to me. My whole life is suspended in time waiting and it’s stupid. He’s never going to take me back. He sealed the deal with divorce papers. I don’t know why I can’t accept it.

My plight feels like waiting for Jesus Christ to return. How long has it been since he left? Like 2,000 years? I keep asking myself why would he want to return? What is time to a God?! I would think it would be even harder now than even just a couple of years ago. This is a skeptical world we live in. Wouldn’t anyone proclaiming to be Jesus be criticized ? Be considered crazy? I ran across a video on YouTube today of a man in Australia that says he’s Jesus. He’s being looked at as a cult leader: https://youtu.be/xbFtxEYTJG4

“A face within a face. A body within a body. So many eyes. I see you. I hear you. I want to touch your heart. Through pages bound countless ways I live and breathe again. My voice echoes in the churches, temples, open fields and synagogues. Countless voices of one spirit there am I. You will not know me when I come but I will be here.”

It’s starting to get dark and it’s only 7:30! I don’t do that well this time of year here. Well anyhew hope this finds you well. I’ll be talking to you tomorrow.

16 October 2021 Doors

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello there. It’s Saturday as I write to you. It’s looking like it’s going to be a beautiful fall day. I like watching the wind play with the leaves .

There is a simple but powerful prayer my Aunt and I came up with a long time ago; “May the doors that need to open, open. May the doors that need to shut, shut. Amen.” I am finding I am having trouble shutting doors that need to be shut lately. As I’ve mentioned before I’m a softy. I don’t like to hurt other peoples feelings even if it means my own feelings get hurt.

Sometimes even shut doors aren’t completely closed

The door that is stuck partway open right now is Idaho. It’s been over a year since my cousin and his wife brought me here and I still feel like a newcomer. I just haven’t found a way to fit in yet. This is a similar problem I have faced most of my life. It’s always been hard for me to fit in. I have always felt like an outsider.

When I was in the military it was a very transitory lifestyle. As soon as you got comfortable some place it was time to move. It really messed with my head. Leaving Texas after living there 12 years was hard; but I don’t feel like I had much of a choice though. I couldn’t stay there. So here I am in Idaho a place I never expected to live!

I guess I have to reach for my gratitude list. For whatever reason I’m at this place in my life and I need to be grateful for a soft landing for a very hard fall. Looking at the rest of the world today it could be so much worse for me. There is a place for me I just haven’t found the right door yet.

15 October 2021

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, In the News, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Money, Spirituality and Religion, Writing and blogging

Hello. How are you? I’m am doing ok – just real tired. I haven’t been sleeping that well. It was only once around the block today. I’m starting to feel like an old dog!! Must be the cold getting in my bones!

Yesterday I went over to my Aunt and Uncles house for linner (lunch/dinner). They had invited some of their friends and their daughter too . It was nice to have a home cooked meal with such good company. Playing a round of Farkle (dice game) which my Aunt won. Being with them helped me forget my troubles for awhile . For just a couple hours the world seemed happy and peaceful – normal. When I am with my family I feel so loved and cared about. I wish the whole world could know what that’s like. So many lives seem to be in a state of chaos right now.

When I look at the news lately everything is for shit. It’s like there isn’t any hope. Just more of the same crap – fear mongering and scare tactics. All the stuff love can’t buy but money can. If you pay attention to this stuff you have to ask where God is in all of it. I believe God is showing us just how broken we are.

All broken aside, I want to focus on the good stuff. I woke up today. I have wonderful family and friends. I have a roof over my head. Food in my belly. My health is pretty good yet. I have a sweet dog. I have transportation. I want to believe there is enough of what I need in this world. I want to believe my higher power has my back and is looking out for me. No matter how broken this world appears to be, there are moments like I had yesterday. People still caring about each other and coming together in fellowship and love.

So what are you grateful for today? What makes you happy ? How do you stay positive ? I’d love to hear from you!

14 October 2021 Redirection

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, drawing, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How are you ? It’s Thursday already! Didn’t this week go fast? I got out and walked but only made it around once. My knees aren’t being nice to me lately. I also miss having someone to walk with!

So I was having a talk with a friend yesterday who suffers from OCD. It can be quite crippling. He gets stuck in his thoughts and exhausts himself. I suggested to him that when he had these ruminating thoughts he think or say STOP and at that moment put another thought in its place. Kind of like stopping a train on the tracks. When I do this for myself I will insert a thought like, “I don’t want to think about that right now,” “That is not helpful.” It’s kind of like making a new train route in the brain. It’s an attempt to redirect my thoughts.

Each day I have to use the advice I gave my friend . As a bipolar everything is a delicate balance in my life. Living alone I have time to ruminate a lot and a lot of times it’s not helpful stuff I’m ruminating on. When I do this it’s oftentimes very visceral. I feel what I am ruminating about and it makes me feel like gears are slipping in my brain.

With this kind of stuff going on and living alone I find myself turning to God more. I get frustrated though because sometimes it feels like God isn’t there. I know it’s not true but it’s just a feeling. I don’t know if it’s the Covid-19 or what but I have been feeling my mortality so much lately. The world feels fragile, like we are on borrowed time. How is it some people just go through life like there is nothing to worry about ?

Sometimes the gears in my brain feel like they slip

11 October 2021 Living Your Faith

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Writing and blogging

Hello. How are you? I got a walk in it was chilly and cold. I’m not ready for cold weather again so soon. It seems like just yesterday the trees across the street were blooming!! Sadly I’m not in charge of the earths thermostat !

This morning on the walk I asked what I should write about and the topic that came forth is a hard one . It was about living your faith in your day to day life. Faith isn’t just in sacred text, holy days and churches, temples and synagogues. It’s every day. Sometimes it’s confusing. I have a lot of trouble with the conflicting guidance you get from the Old and New testament . I prefer the messages in the New Testament :

Matthew 5:43-48New International Version

Love for Enemies

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor[a](A) and hate your enemy.’(B) 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,(C) 45 that you may be children(D) of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.(E) 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get?(F) Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.(G)

It’s easy to love those who love you back and are lovable. It’s easy to pray for your friends and family. Right now I’m having a situation where I’m being challenged to be able to care about someone but not be hurt by caring. I have to keep my distance or risk my own mental health and well being.

How do you live your faith and still stay mentally sound? Something that I’ve done and has been done to me is letting someone go with love. You wish a person a well and happy life but because of irreconcilable differences you can’t be part of each other’s lives. You don’t stop loving and caring for a person but you don’t tolerate their oftentimes negative activity in your life.

It is hard to practice your own advice sometimes especially when your a softy like I am ! It’s easy to take the path of least resistance but end up being a doormat as a result . Thankfully I have a strong support system that is trying to keep me from being that. They don’t want to see me be anybody’s emotional punching bag!

The question remains how do you live your faith in your daily life and still remain intact ? How do all the walks of faith on earth keep it together when it feels like this world is falling apart ? How do you not go crazy trying to live up to ancient doctrine in a world that seems so contrary to most of it ? It feels like we are divided tribes at war for the same sacred spaces . So many questions and so many conflicting answers .

I am still on my quest of faith. I’m one of those that hasn’t quite settled on a path. What does it mean for me to live my faith then? What is my faith? I’m sure The God of my understanding is at work in my life. I just have to remain open minded and willing to proceed. Like I learned in AA just keep doing the next right thing.

9 October 2021 Unconditional Love

by saymber, posted in human rights, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How are you today? It’s a very sunny Saturday. The air is crisp and the trees are really starting to shed their leaves. I am blessed to have had a visit with family this morning.

This morning I’m thinking about unconditional love . What is it? Most times that kind of love gets associated with God and our pets and I think it’s because human beings let us down. There is only so much a human being can take. There is only so much a human being can give. How many times can you forgive someone who abuses you over and over again be it verbally or physically? It seems like only someone like Jesus can forgive like that.

I am experiencing a situation in my life where I am left wondering if I should try and be like Jesus or accept my humanity. I’m left struggling with this decision. I know that if I continue to try and love and care about this person it will damage me. My self preservation is kicking in.

Are human beings even capable of what Jesus asked of us? To love our neighbors as ourselves? Does it mean I don’t love myself if I don’t love my neighbor? If I stop loving my neighbor?

When is it ok to think of yourself when it comes to abusive relationships? What would Jesus do ? Would he just keep forgiving ? That’s kind of what he modeled for us: “forgive them father they know not what they do.”

Is the concept of unconditional love even a realistic concept for the human being of today? Was it ever? Or was it just a concept to aspire to ? When do you give up on someone ?

Then there is the concept of tough love but that is still conditional love. Where you love somebody only if they meet certain criteria’s. It seems like the only place unconditional love can be found is from nonhuman sources.

I guess that’s why God. The only being in the universe that will love you no matter what you do or say is God. I have to caveat this though. Depending on what version of God also determines if there is unconditional love or not. Some people’s God is Old Testament hellfire and brimstone God. If it hadn’t been for Jesus we were all going to hell!

I will continue to pray about this. I would be interested to get feedback. Do you think human beings are capable of unconditional love ?

5 October 2021 Mortality

by saymber, posted in Mental Health, Nature, Spirituality and Religion, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. It’s late as I write to you today . Linky and I are sitting outside for a bit .

So it’s officially fall. All through the neighborhood the trees are starting to change color. They are letting go of what I think of as their disposable hands (leaves). This time of year makes me remember how fragile our mortality is. The trees teach so much.

So everyone has a nemesis. Mine is death. I have talked to death more than a couple times and really there is no reasoning with it . There is a plan in all things and part of the plan is at some time or another we are all going to die. I hate this plan but starving to death on an overburdened planet doesn’t sound like a good alternative. We are mortal and that means over time, like any good machine, we are going to break down. We will either get spare parts or we won’t . What bugs me about our “system” is by the time we have learned it and can enjoy ourselves we are well into our mortality.

We mature like fine wine but shrivel up like prunes! Mortality isn’t pretty !

It is important to have faith now. In these uncertain times we need unwavering things that give us hope. You will find no Hope in death unless you actively look for it. For some death is a mercy. I’ll give death that credit. When someone has been suffering with a illness or condition for an extended period of time mercy comes with death.

No drawing today – kind of having a dry spell!

4 October 2021 Tribe

by saymber, posted in Mental Health, Nature, Spirituality and Religion, Writing and blogging

Hello there. How are you ? It’s Monday morning as I write to you. My mind is really full this morning after watching Heilung on You tube last night.

This morning I find myself missing the group of people I used to spend time with – my tribe. We were into natural healing. I’ll never forget the one Christmas solstice gathering we had. There was singing and drums like we had been together always . It’s so rare to have what we had …to keep it together. Time, life, growth and the persuite of money blew our little tribe to the winds. We don’t even keep in touch anymore .

I can remember my Grandpa talking about losing his tribe . This was after he divorced my Grandma. At the time he said it I didn’t understand what he meant. I guess it took me losing my tribe to understand.

What I get reminded of this morning as I’m writing about this is nothing lasts forever . I’m the kind of person that would be content in many ways if things didn’t have to change. Yet even nature reminds me that everything changes – witness the changing leaves of fall! They say if there is any one thing certain about this life it will be change!

Do you currently have a group of people you get together with? A tribe ? Cherish them !!

https://youtu.be/aS91UaGJEqI – link to Heilung Live at Alcatraz Festival 2021

2 October 2021 Dream

by saymber, posted in animals, dreams, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Writing and blogging

Hello. How are you today so far ? It’s 7:13 am as I write. It’s still dark and it’s cold. I don’t want to get out of bed. I had one of those dreams that you wake up from and your heart aches.

I dreamt about my cat Amber and the family dog Spot. It hurt so much I had to turn to Jesus and now I want to cry .

I don’t know what to do with attachment . I get so attached to the people and animals in my life . In Buddhism attachment leads to suffering . This is so true! How do I live this life without getting too attached? Without suffering?

As I said I turned to Jesus this morning and the message was. “Write .” So I’m writing! That’s the nice thing about this blog is you can write as much or as little as you want. I will probably write more later! It’s just what I need right now . Writing for me is therapy !

So why Jesus ? Why turn to Jesus when I had a dream that was so close to my hearts desire ? To be reunited with lost pets ? Because I actually feel something. When I say or think that name I feel comforted. There is a warmth that comes like a filling up inside. I don’t feel so alone. I feel like I can handle what I’m facing a little better. It’s like calling on an old friend that seems to always be there waiting to help !

All this because of a dream. Is it a coincidence? God works in mysterious ways ! Perhaps this is a gentle reminder to not lose my faith ? Perhaps in writing this I am helping someone else not lose their faith either ? So much happens in this world that doesn’t make any sense. All these pieces of an intricate puzzle finding their place.

Sometimes it’s all you can do is hold on and hope your own light doesn’t go out. It can be so easy to lose your faith if it’s grounded in this world. This world slips away so easily. You need something to hold on to that won’t go away like people and pets do . Is that why people hold on to the Bible and other sacred text? It would make sense ! You can call on Jesus any time day or night and he doesn’t charge you for an office visit !

I need to get my butt out of bed. Thank you for your company. Like I said I’ll probably be back a little later!

1 October 2021 Hugs & Blogging

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Health, Mental Health, Writing and blogging

Hello to you ! How are you doing today ? It’s the beginning of the month already! This year has gone by so fast hasn’t it? My knees allowed me to get a couple laps in. They have been aching. Just found out there are almost 2,000 more cases of Covid here in Idaho ! I’m surprised they aren’t mandating masks again . I have family that was vaccinated and still got sick!

This morning my mind turns to hugs! I love to give and receive them. I don’t know if there is any documented evidence, but I think there must be health benefits! When I think of the mechanics of a hug it’s like putting two powerful batteries together for a few moments. It feels good. It’s like sunshine on the heart !

“Embrace me let your light shine on my heart, may the warmth last long after we are apart.”

Hugging wisp people style

Writing this blog has become an everyday thing I do. It helps me connect with people I wouldn’t ordinarily meet. It makes me feel useful. It helps me feel less lonely….like I have someone to talk to. Oftentimes I don’t want to finish a blog because then there will be silence! For some reason when I blog I connect with my internal “voice.”

Writing this blog gives me purpose. It’s always my hope that someone will read it and something will resonate. I think it’s a way to connect with the God of my understanding. This blog and the drawings I do each day are the highlight of my day.

“Welcome to a corner of my mind, a place to relax for a moment and unwind. A message may be just for you, a message just for me by the time the day is through. They call this exchange we are having a blog, for me it is a daily log. A daily accounting of my life, joys, tribulations and may be some strife . Thank you dear reader for stopping by, I hope you find something here for you and you’ll say hi “