30 November 2021 Evening

December 1, 2021 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hi there! How are you? It’s 6:23 pm here as I write to you. It’s dark and Link and I are cuddling on the couch. I’m watching streams on Twitch – Infoxczar is a magic channel pretty cool. I don’t do magic on my channel May be I should learn lol! It’s fun to see live entertainment….Jack is fun.

Today my Aunt talked to me about her friends daughter who is bipolar. She apparently is refusing medication and is paranoid as hell. Her parents are living in a 55 plus community and they have been letting her live with them . Neither she or them have anyplace to go if the property owner decided to evict them. Apparently the girl keeps calling the cops. Speaking as a bipolar, what this family is going through is so tough! One of the hardest aspects of loving someone with this condition is keeping them on their medications.

Just found out my cousins daughter is going in for an emergency hysterectomy tomorrow ! I can remember getting mine and it took some time to heal. I was stupid. Your not supposed to do any heavy lifting and my ex and I tried carrying a small couch home from a furniture store up the street from where we were living. I pray everything goes well for her. She has diabetes so there is that to consider with the surgery.

The friend I just reconnected with recently lost her mom to Alzheimer’s and dementia in October. She’s really struggling with it while being a wonderful mom, wife and student. The holidays will be rough for her. She is strong in her faith in God and that is helping her walk through her grief.

People have stuff going on!! It seems like as soon as one hurdle is put in front of us another equal or more challenging hurdle is put in its place! I’m kind of in the in between place right now. I had a lot of “stuff” happen all within a short period of time. Love conquers the deepest darkness. I am so grateful to love and be loved. The fall I took could have been so much harder.

If you pray could you pray for the people I have mentioned here? For privacy reasons I don’t want to put their names here. I hope everything goes ok for all of them !

Thank you for spending some time with me here.

29 November 2021 Good Morning

November 29, 2021November 29, 2021 by saymber, posted in animals, Health, Home, Leading Life by Example, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out this video Morning coffee with Jackie 29 November 2021 https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1219285881

Hi there. This morning I had the privilege of chatting with an old friend and it just made my whole day! She is the only friend I still have from my military days. I’m so blessed to have her!

I was chatting to myself and she popped up. I have a follower!! It was so exciting to see that this morning! I was starting to question myself!

In awhile I have my therapist appointment and I’m looking forward to that. Lots to talk about! I AM HOME…..yes! My friend reiterated that message too. Be at home in your own skin before you bring somebody else into your life. I’m sure God has a plan in all the little pieces that are floating about me right now….fragments of time.

I hope this finds you well today. What are you grateful for? I’m grateful to have been able to reconnect with my friend. I’m grateful for my new friend and my family…my sweet Link. I’m grateful for me still getting to be on this plane of existence. Even if you are really having trouble I hope you can find something to be grateful for!

Drawing for today:

This is my drawing processing my healing session yesterday .

28 November 2021 After Pranic Healing – I Am Home

November 29, 2021 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hi. It’s Sunday afternoon and I am just home after having my first ever Pranic Healing session with my friend Lisa. A lot of powerful stuff happened during the session. She was able to work with my guardian Angel or spirit guide Deegan. He had a lot to say! There were messages about moving on with my life….. no more wallowing. He gave an example of bowling and right now we are throwing gutter balls! We need to start knocking over some pins! The most powerful message was about self love and making myself home.

I am always projecting out what it means to be home. When our dog Sam died I lost a home – I grieved Sam for 3 plus years! When sweet Amber and May died I really lost home as they had been with me for so many years! Then when Kyle and Spot left I lost home big time! I was shell shocked and lost. That’s what happens when you project what it means to be home on to others. Today I think I understand the saying “Home is where the heart is” better. Home starts with your heart…..you! I will have to pray about that and see how God helps me “be enough!…to be at home in this body.

I’m deeply grateful for the time and the experience I had today. I’m proud of myself for driving to her house!! We did it!!! May be something of this experience will resonate with you.

If your looking for unique and special gifts check out Lisa’s online store. She makes everything herself! She is also a life coach and does Reiki. Multi-talented really special lady.

https://www.positivelymagickal.com/

21 November 2021 Infantile

November 21, 2021 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, history, Home, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello . Ugh!! I wasn’t going to write again today. I have been having a rough day on my own. The best way to describe what I’m experiencing is imagine an infant wrapped up in a blanket in a crib screaming. You try feeding the infant and that quiets the child for a few minutes. You put the baby back in the crib. They start screaming again. You give them some milk….same thing more screaming. You try singing, reading, rocking, dangling their favorite toy in front of their face….. nothing but more screaming. Finally you pick up the child and hold them and speak softly in soothing tones….at last there is peace.

There is a part of me way deep inside that is the infant I described. Even after 53 years I still can’t completely soothe “Baby Jackie!” It is so tiresome trying to parent an infant trapped inside my own body! I just can’t seem to please her and if I do it isn’t for long. “We” are chronically lonely.

When my Mom took her own life, it feels like she took a part of me with her. I was too young to know her but there must be a part of me that did. A part of me that just can’t seem to find lasting comfort with life in this world without her. I try! I really try but it’s on days like today that remind me I have to keep at it! When you are a mother to your own soul your work is never done.

Sigh…..I hope something here resonates. I’d love to hear from you and your story.

17 November 2021 Reason To Live (personal testimony)

November 17, 2021 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Mental Health, Music, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello! How are you? It’s 28 degrees this morning here in Middleton Idaho. I think winter is coming! Link and I said poo poo to a walk. We will wait til it’s a little warmer!

Galatians 5:22-23New International Version

²²But the fruit^(A) of the Spirit is love,^(B) joy, peace,^(C) forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³gentleness and self-control.^(D)Against such things there is no law.^(E)

What is your reason to live? So many people I talk to struggle with that question. I struggle with that question. A couple of times I couldn’t stay in touch with my reason and I tried to take my life. One time a couple of years ago now I was almost successful. I had so many reasons to live but in my moments of despair I lost touch with them. Trying to kill myself was one of the most stupid and selfish things I’ve ever done! I hurt my husband and family so much!

I’m going to be honest. I was testing God with what I did. I took pills. As I waited for them to take effect I realized I was alone. There was no one coming to save me. No Kyle. No God. No Angel. Just me…..all there was was me. My survival instinct kicked in and I remembered my bulemia days and stuck my fingers down my throat forcing some of the pills up. Then something told me to go for a walk. To keep moving. I grabbed my purse and dragged myself around the block. I was barely able to walk. When I got home I laid down and just gasped for breath until the remaining pills wore off. I lived but when I told my husband he was so hurt! Why would I do such a thing!! I had always assured him I would never do such a thing after how my moms death affected all of us. I lied to him.

I’m not sharing my story for sympathy. I want to pass on my experience. My strength. My hope. I learned a valuable lesson through what happened…..don’t test God! If you are thinking about taking your life and don’t reach out you are going to be on your own. It’s almost as if God was saying “If that’s what you want to do I’m not going to stop you!” The further twist is how a negative in my life, bulemia, ended up saving me. Further proof that nothing we go through is for no reason.

I hope by sharing my testimony someone will be helped. I still believe there is a God. I’m still here for many reasons. I’m only just beginning to find out what some of them are. That’s what life is . That’s what gratitude is. There is always at least one thing…one reason.

Good Lady Gaga song that got me teary thinking about things this morning….million reasons : https://youtu.be/en2D_5TzXCA

8 November 2021 Freezing

November 8, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, Health, history, Home, Mental Health, Nature, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Good day to you in your where and when! How are you? Im doing ok. Woke up to freezing temperatures this morning. I had to go out and put the styrofoam thingy on my outside water spigot. The hose I have out there is frozen stiff. Boy am I not ready for this! Nature doesn’t really care though lol!

I had a long dream last night. It was about people preparing to evacuate, some at the last minute, from a planned nuclear bomb detonation. Why would I dream about such a thing?! I guess between stuff I watched and something that happened in my past my mind made a movie.

When I was living in Alvarado I was always afraid the place was going to blow up. The place was surrounded by gas lines. One time I even made my ex round up the animals and go to my friends house because I had a vision the place was going to blow up. Of course it didn’t but I was convinced it was going to. A year or so later I was walking home from the store and noticed there was a gas leak and reported it. I wonder if I had ignored it if something bad would have happened. I’m not a fan of natural gas! It burns clean but is dirty as hell to get it. It takes between 4 to 10 million gallons of water to frack a gas well. Once that water is used you can’t reuse it for drinking water.

I want to take a moment to thank you readers for coming to visit me here! It means a lot to me that you take time out of your busy lives for me.

“ Change of seasons round and round they spin. One winter frosts and another summer begins. In the midst of it all I stand quite still. This glowing blue ember doing what it will. So resilient and strong…so patient as we attempt to right every wrong. Everywhere are eyes above and below….watching and waiting. Soon there will be snow.”

21 October 2021 Labels

October 21, 2021 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello! How are you today? It’s another crisp fall day. Many of the trees in our neighborhood have lost their leaves. A few have resisted and are vibrant shades of red and gold yet. My sidekick Link is here beside me. I’m so grateful for him.

Labels. I have them.

I am 53 years old and have been a product of the mental health system since about 1991. My primary diagnosis, the primary label is that I’m bipolar. If you are unfamiliar with that term it’s basically having high highs and low lows and the battle is to keep things in the middle or balanced. The primary medication I take is lithium. I’ve tried a lot of other drugs but they didn’t work. The other part of my particular label is anxiety and I take zyprexa for that.

This condition has really fucked my life up.

Something that happens to a bipolar person is what’s called episodes. We can get manic or really high and there really isn’t any reasoning with us. For me I got it in my head that I didn’t want to be on medication anymore. The past couple of years I was manic (high) and refused to take medication and be admitted to a hospital. There was a terrible price to be paid for that- my family was torn apart. I ended up losing my husband, one of my dogs and my house. Something similar happened to my first marriage.

So the common theme of my episodes was the spirit world. This last time I thought I was channeling spirits. People like me are vulnerable to these sorts of things. I wonder if my faith had been stronger if that sort of thing would of happened . There are energy forces at work in all directions. I felt like I was a play thing of these energies. I would get extremely angry. For about two months I was channeling a Joker like energy. It was exhausting because such an energy could see every side to an argument – it just went on and on! During one of my earliest episodes I thought I was Jesus! I guess that sort of thing is common with people like me .

I have been medically retired from the Air Force since 16 Sept 2002. I have not had a job since then. I have done volunteer work but it almost always ended up in a manic situation.

I’m sharing this part of myself to may be help someone else who is either like me or has someone like this in their life and they don’t know what to do.

https://youtu.be/snI9ggCp5xE – Bipolar wars channel on you tube

19 October 2021 Comfort Zone

October 20, 2021 by saymber, posted in animals, Bipolar life, Health, Home, Mental Health, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How’s your day been? My day has been long. I am happy though. Mr. Link was willing to take an afternoon stroll with me without much resistance. My knees didn’t ache either!

So today I got a call from my doctors office to reschedule my appointment. The kicker is he won’t do it via telehealth so I have to go in to the office! So that means I have to drive there.

Those of you that know me know I don’t like to drive. Driving in Middleton where I live is no big deal but once you have to venture out to Nampa and Caldwell things get stinky! So I have been forced out of my comfort zone with this. It’s good for me even if I don’t like it!

Why don’t I like to drive? Part of it is the accident I had this past Christmas and part of it is well before that. My husband used to do all the driving to my appointments and stuff. I got really used to that. When he left me last January my whole world turned upside down . I started having panic attacks when I had to drive places. Sometimes I had to be talking to a family member on the phone just to get to the grocery store. Things have gotten a lot better since I moved here but I still have a long ways to go! There is a lot of baggage wrapped up in what some think is the simple act of driving.

Part of leaving my comfort zone with driving is leaving my Link at home by himself. For some reason it’s stuck in my head “what if I don’t make it home?” I have had a problem with leaving animals home alone for as long as I’ve had pets which is most of my adult life. Cats were by far the easiest! They are so much more self sufficient. You can’t leave a dog alone for more than a day before you are going to come home to a mess! Worrying about Link does sometimes keep me from doing things.

Do you have a comfort zone? Is there a line inside of you that you don’t like to cross? For me it’s oftentimes a visceral thing. There are physical feelings involved. For example I will get hyper aware and feel like my eyes are separated from my body. I will have like an out of body feeling! What’s frustrating is I don’t feel like I have control over it. Someone will suggest something that is out of my comfort zone and that feeling will come. It didn’t used to be like this for me!

If anything here resonates I would love to hear from you !

13 October 2021 Wednesday

October 13, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Food, Health, Home, In the News, Nature, Writing and blogging

Hello there, how are you ? It’s Wednesday or hump day as many people call it. Looks like it’s going to be gray and overcast today.

When the weather is like this I don’t feel like doing much of anything. All there is for me is writing and writing keeps me going. I’m so grateful for this blog and the people who stop by to visit !

“Who am I in a world of billions, living in a country in debt by the trillions. So many struggling to get ahead, Covid-19 leaving so many dead. Ships stacked with a bunch of goods, shitty sneakers to exotic foods . Water ways starting to run dry, cities scrambling to find a new supply. Who am I in this dream ? Will the human race survive or just keep losing steam ?”

I want to believe this is a world of plenty. It just seems like we don’t manage our resources very well. At some point, on a global scale, water conservation is going to have to be important. I buy water by the gallon jugs from the grocery store. Sometimes when I want to buy water they are out and that kind of scares me. What will have to change in order for us to continue to have enough water? It seems like so many products we use require water as one of its main ingredients .

Just stuff I think about!

1 October 2021 Hugs & Blogging

October 1, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Health, Mental Health, Writing and blogging

Hello to you ! How are you doing today ? It’s the beginning of the month already! This year has gone by so fast hasn’t it? My knees allowed me to get a couple laps in. They have been aching. Just found out there are almost 2,000 more cases of Covid here in Idaho ! I’m surprised they aren’t mandating masks again . I have family that was vaccinated and still got sick!

This morning my mind turns to hugs! I love to give and receive them. I don’t know if there is any documented evidence, but I think there must be health benefits! When I think of the mechanics of a hug it’s like putting two powerful batteries together for a few moments. It feels good. It’s like sunshine on the heart !

“Embrace me let your light shine on my heart, may the warmth last long after we are apart.”

Writing this blog has become an everyday thing I do. It helps me connect with people I wouldn’t ordinarily meet. It makes me feel useful. It helps me feel less lonely….like I have someone to talk to. Oftentimes I don’t want to finish a blog because then there will be silence! For some reason when I blog I connect with my internal “voice.”

Writing this blog gives me purpose. It’s always my hope that someone will read it and something will resonate. I think it’s a way to connect with the God of my understanding. This blog and the drawings I do each day are the highlight of my day.

“Welcome to a corner of my mind, a place to relax for a moment and unwind. A message may be just for you, a message just for me by the time the day is through. They call this exchange we are having a blog, for me it is a daily log. A daily accounting of my life, joys, tribulations and may be some strife . Thank you dear reader for stopping by, I hope you find something here for you and you’ll say hi “