Category: Bipolar life

8 November 2021 Freezing

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, Health, history, Home, Mental Health, Nature, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Good day to you in your where and when! How are you? Im doing ok. Woke up to freezing temperatures this morning. I had to go out and put the styrofoam thingy on my outside water spigot. The hose I have out there is frozen stiff. Boy am I not ready for this! Nature doesn’t really care though lol!

I had a long dream last night. It was about people preparing to evacuate, some at the last minute, from a planned nuclear bomb detonation. Why would I dream about such a thing?! I guess between stuff I watched and something that happened in my past my mind made a movie.

When I was living in Alvarado I was always afraid the place was going to blow up. The place was surrounded by gas lines. One time I even made my ex round up the animals and go to my friends house because I had a vision the place was going to blow up. Of course it didn’t but I was convinced it was going to. A year or so later I was walking home from the store and noticed there was a gas leak and reported it. I wonder if I had ignored it if something bad would have happened. I’m not a fan of natural gas! It burns clean but is dirty as hell to get it. It takes between 4 to 10 million gallons of water to frack a gas well. Once that water is used you can’t reuse it for drinking water.

My Crystal and orgonite collection

I want to take a moment to thank you readers for coming to visit me here! It means a lot to me that you take time out of your busy lives for me.

“ Change of seasons round and round they spin. One winter frosts and another summer begins. In the midst of it all I stand quite still. This glowing blue ember doing what it will. So resilient and strong…so patient as we attempt to right every wrong. Everywhere are eyes above and below….watching and waiting. Soon there will be snow.”

7 November 2021 Observer

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, drawing, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello. How are you? Did you “fall back?” It’s that time of year again where we get the hour we lost in the spring back. Even though it’s just an hour I still feel it!

Do you ever feel like your just an observer of your life not a participant? I am kind of feeling that way today. I’m having trouble being comfortable in my own skin.

Sometimes life feels heavy

I tried watching online church services today and just couldn’t stay focused. God will reach me somehow!

5 November 2021 Having Your Own Home

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Home, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Good day to you. How are you? What’s going on in your world? I am sipping on some coffee and just grateful to have gotten some sleep last night. I covered up my digital clock and didn’t listen to my normal Jason Stephenson recordings on my cell phone. I think the light from the cell phone might disrupt my sleep.

This morning I am sitting in my own home and feeling grateful. It’s been almost a year since I moved in. With the way things are going around here and the rest of the country with regards to housing, I’m really blessed. I could be in a rental situation and that means insecurity for a lot of people.

“I love the house where you live O Lord, the place where your glory dwells. “ psalm 26:8

This morning I’m trying to stay in the heart space of gratitude. What will this house be for me this coming year? This past year it has felt like a safe refuge. A place for me to heal. As I am healing I am wondering what is next for this house….for me. A home has a heart and mine is still fractured. When you look around my house you can see so many pieces of my past life. I want this house to be more than a storage unit of my past.

One of my favorite quartz crystals

What makes a house a home to you?

4 November 2021 Paralyzed

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, dreams, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hi. How are you? It’s still kind of dark as I write to you. I had something happen to me last night that was pretty scary. I had a bad dream and was in between being awake and asleep when I felt like I couldn’t move! My eyes were open and I was thinking because I couldn’t speak. “ Please don’t do this!” My feet were kicking trying to get free but my upper body was paralyzed. It lasted for a couple of minutes. It felt like someone was in the room with me besides Link but I couldn’t see anyone. Link didn’t bark but just ended up getting out of bed because my feet’s frantic movement scared him.

“For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways” psalm 91:11

I can remember begging to see and talk to my guardian Angel. I was in my living room in Texas about 5 of so years ago now. I had tears in my eyes and I begged to see him. I had asked before that day what his name was and I heard the name Deegan which means “black haired one.” What happened the next four years was like a dress rehearsal for dying. People who have had near death experiences talk about having full life reviews. I was having that kind of experience over and over. Trying to riddle out using objects in my house, my entire life. It destroyed my entire life as I knew it. That combined with my refusing to take medication and go to the hospital. I just couldn’t stop thinking or talking. In the spirit realm they don’t get tired…. there was always just one more thing. I couldn’t rest.

Was what I went through just psychosis or did my Angel show me why we could never meet in the mortal coil?

What I went through always ended with me screaming and yelling at a POW flag I had bought. It symbolized 9/11 and war. I felt so much rage! That event in our shared history hurt me so much!

There is an in between world and I have been in it. I felt during my last episode that I was a living ghost vessel. Spirits seemed to use me both positive and negative. Some days all I did was yell. Others was just crying. Others was just hearing voices when I spoke that were not mine. One day an energy that identified as the singer Chris Cornell “took me to get groceries and we bought flowers.” I was driving the car but in my minds eye he was driving. When I checked out I could hear his voice not mine. It was like all these energies of living and dead were “on top” of mine. They kept keeping me down because all I would do is cry. This all happened after my husband left me.

Two of the most exhausting energies that came through were a Hitler and what I call “The Joker.” I was either yelling all the time in a tone like Hitler or finding absolutely every side to any issue you could think of. I was even doing that side tongue lick Heath Ledger did for his potrayal of the Joker. I would go in my bedroom closet and just go on and on! One energy was with me the longest and that was Jesus. He claimed to have been with me since my psychic explosion on 2 November 2002. I was speaking some kind of language I vaguely understood. My husband would get so frustrated with me talking to the tv in “gibberish.”

The reason I’m sharing all this is to give some insight into what I went through after asking to see my guardian. Not all of mental illness is just mental illness. What I went through is like my guardian got relieved of their post! I became like a plaything for the spirit world, the in between. Because I didn’t have a grounded faith I was fair game!

If I can impress upon you anything about what I’ve shared here believe in something and stick to it! What’s happened to me is my concept of God is EVERYTHING! So everything that happens to us good and bad, positive and negative is all of God. It’s easier to comprehend Jesus, Buddha, Allah and Shiva as individual representations of God than to believe in a God that is ALL things. Jesus is merciful and kind whereas his father isn’t always . I am currently working on my faith . I don’t want what happened to me in 2015 on to happen again.

27 October 2021 Bag

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello. It’s evening as I write to you . Have you ever felt like some unseen force was pulling you down? Keeping you stuck in place when you want to move forward? I feel that feeling nearly everyday. Well lately I have been saying this , “God I have to find a way to live this life!”

A long time ago ,during my first marriage we went to a marriage counselor. He was a priest. He gave me an analogy of what my relationship with my husband was. He said it was two people who each have a bag to bring to the relationship . One persons bag was full and the other was empty with a big hole in it. The person with the full bag kept trying to fill the bag with a hole in it and finally had nothing left to share. Both bags were empty. The relationship could not continue like that.

Sitting here writing this, twice divorced now I have a near empty bag riddled with holes. This past year really tore my bag up! It takes time and a lot of thread to make such major repairs! A part of me is so lonely. I get so bored and want the company of someone nice but I know I’m not ready yet. I’m still sewing patches on my bag. My spirit is an ember when it used to be a flame. I am wanting God to bring somebody into my life when I’m ready. When my bag is full again!

“ I’m going to break these chains that bind me. I’m going to set all my tears to sea. God is watching and waiting. God is ready and anticipating. Say my name. Let the ember be a flame. “ – Jackie

22 October 2021 Drum Circle

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Home, Mental Health, Writing and blogging

Hello from Middleton Idaho! How are you doing today? I’m feeling pretty good. I got the grocery shopping done early and that was interesting. It looks like our Ridleys is doing some changes. All the greetings cards were removed and also the section of the store where you scoop your own stuff was dismantled. I found everything I was looking for minus jugs of drinking water – there was only one left! Today is an overcast day. They say it’s going to rain and I hope it does. My car is filthy!!

Have you ever played a drum?

So I did something special today. I ordered a drum to replace the one I broke. It’s a Djembe drum: https://youtu.be/aLeede5z1vQ – this is a video about how these drums are made. It’s not an expensive drum. I’ll see how it sounds. It should be here Sunday – it was in stock. I have this reoccurring thought of getting people together to play music or even just a drum circle. These thoughts stem from some fond memories I have of a Christmas solstice gathering I had many years ago with my “tribe.” A part of me knows what we had was once in a lifetime but who knows! I took a step today towards trying to manifest a reality I want to live in. You can’t have a drum circle without a drum! I want a circle of friends again and I’m hoping it can happen. I’ll be sure to take a picture of the drum when I get it.

So who were these friends I had that meant so much to me? Who was my “tribe?”They were not the kind of people you would meet here in Idaho. It was a surprise to meet them in Texas which is also a conservative state! One did acupuncture out of her home, another was a hospice nurse, one was a massage therapist, one was a co-founder of a place called The Earth School and one was a teacher of Philosophenoma. There was also a woman who taught the energy modality Quantum Touch . I found this group through the acupuncturist. I’ll never forget the day we met – her smile! She did an acupuncture treatment on both my husband and I. It was the first time either of us had experienced that! From that day a friendship was born but sadly we are no longer in touch . My friendships with these people were a casualty of my being bipolar – the stuff I talked about in my blog yesterday. We lived in Texas for 12 years and for the last 4 or 5 I was in and out of the hospital for mania. It was for this group of friends I had bought my original drum.

As cutting edge as my friends were, they couldn’t handle my manic episodes. During one of my episodes I was convinced Alvarado, where I was living, was going to blow up. I made my husband pack up our animals and go over to the acupuncturists home. She really didn’t know what to do. I think she felt sorry for my husband. Like I said stuff like this kept happening! I lost my husband and most of my friends because of this condition. I can’t blame them for leaving me.

So now I am mostly alone. A dog without a pack. The friends I have now are mostly virtual. Part of me is afraid to reach out again. If I get close to people will I go manic again? One of my triggers is spiritual stuff. I was trying to get certified in the energy healing modality called Quantum Touch. I attended a couple classes and a lot of strange experiences came out of that – strangely wonderful. I actually helped people! But it was fleeting. I needed the second class to get certified and just wasn’t willing to fly to another state to get the class done. The experiences I had kind of went to my head. May be it’s good I didn’t get certified- especially if it was going to trigger me .

God has a place for me. May be this drum will be a fresh start. I know I’ve run a bit long today. Thank you for your time.

21 October 2021 Labels

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello! How are you today? It’s another crisp fall day. Many of the trees in our neighborhood have lost their leaves. A few have resisted and are vibrant shades of red and gold yet. My sidekick Link is here beside me. I’m so grateful for him.

Labels. I have them.

I am 53 years old and have been a product of the mental health system since about 1991. My primary diagnosis, the primary label is that I’m bipolar. If you are unfamiliar with that term it’s basically having high highs and low lows and the battle is to keep things in the middle or balanced. The primary medication I take is lithium. I’ve tried a lot of other drugs but they didn’t work. The other part of my particular label is anxiety and I take zyprexa for that.

This condition has really fucked my life up.

Something that happens to a bipolar person is what’s called episodes. We can get manic or really high and there really isn’t any reasoning with us. For me I got it in my head that I didn’t want to be on medication anymore. The past couple of years I was manic (high) and refused to take medication and be admitted to a hospital. There was a terrible price to be paid for that- my family was torn apart. I ended up losing my husband, one of my dogs and my house. Something similar happened to my first marriage.

So the common theme of my episodes was the spirit world. This last time I thought I was channeling spirits. People like me are vulnerable to these sorts of things. I wonder if my faith had been stronger if that sort of thing would of happened . There are energy forces at work in all directions. I felt like I was a play thing of these energies. I would get extremely angry. For about two months I was channeling a Joker like energy. It was exhausting because such an energy could see every side to an argument – it just went on and on! During one of my earliest episodes I thought I was Jesus! I guess that sort of thing is common with people like me .

I have been medically retired from the Air Force since 16 Sept 2002. I have not had a job since then. I have done volunteer work but it almost always ended up in a manic situation.

I’m sharing this part of myself to may be help someone else who is either like me or has someone like this in their life and they don’t know what to do.

https://youtu.be/snI9ggCp5xE – Bipolar wars channel on you tube

19 October 2021 Comfort Zone

by saymber, posted in animals, Bipolar life, Health, Home, Mental Health, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How’s your day been? My day has been long. I am happy though. Mr. Link was willing to take an afternoon stroll with me without much resistance. My knees didn’t ache either!

So today I got a call from my doctors office to reschedule my appointment. The kicker is he won’t do it via telehealth so I have to go in to the office! So that means I have to drive there.

Those of you that know me know I don’t like to drive. Driving in Middleton where I live is no big deal but once you have to venture out to Nampa and Caldwell things get stinky! So I have been forced out of my comfort zone with this. It’s good for me even if I don’t like it!

Why don’t I like to drive? Part of it is the accident I had this past Christmas and part of it is well before that. My husband used to do all the driving to my appointments and stuff. I got really used to that. When he left me last January my whole world turned upside down . I started having panic attacks when I had to drive places. Sometimes I had to be talking to a family member on the phone just to get to the grocery store. Things have gotten a lot better since I moved here but I still have a long ways to go! There is a lot of baggage wrapped up in what some think is the simple act of driving.

Part of leaving my comfort zone with driving is leaving my Link at home by himself. For some reason it’s stuck in my head “what if I don’t make it home?” I have had a problem with leaving animals home alone for as long as I’ve had pets which is most of my adult life. Cats were by far the easiest! They are so much more self sufficient. You can’t leave a dog alone for more than a day before you are going to come home to a mess! Worrying about Link does sometimes keep me from doing things.

Do you have a comfort zone? Is there a line inside of you that you don’t like to cross? For me it’s oftentimes a visceral thing. There are physical feelings involved. For example I will get hyper aware and feel like my eyes are separated from my body. I will have like an out of body feeling! What’s frustrating is I don’t feel like I have control over it. Someone will suggest something that is out of my comfort zone and that feeling will come. It didn’t used to be like this for me!

If anything here resonates I would love to hear from you !

18 October 2021 Return?

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, history, In the News, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Writing and blogging

Hello again. I hope you don’t mind a late afternoon visit. I’m feeling lonely and can use the company. Today has been long like most of my days this past year. To be honest it feels like I’m waiting for someone to return to me. My whole life is suspended in time waiting and it’s stupid. He’s never going to take me back. He sealed the deal with divorce papers. I don’t know why I can’t accept it.

My plight feels like waiting for Jesus Christ to return. How long has it been since he left? Like 2,000 years? I keep asking myself why would he want to return? What is time to a God?! I would think it would be even harder now than even just a couple of years ago. This is a skeptical world we live in. Wouldn’t anyone proclaiming to be Jesus be criticized ? Be considered crazy? I ran across a video on YouTube today of a man in Australia that says he’s Jesus. He’s being looked at as a cult leader: https://youtu.be/xbFtxEYTJG4

“A face within a face. A body within a body. So many eyes. I see you. I hear you. I want to touch your heart. Through pages bound countless ways I live and breathe again. My voice echoes in the churches, temples, open fields and synagogues. Countless voices of one spirit there am I. You will not know me when I come but I will be here.”

It’s starting to get dark and it’s only 7:30! I don’t do that well this time of year here. Well anyhew hope this finds you well. I’ll be talking to you tomorrow.

18 October 2021

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, Food, Home, In the News, Leading Life by Example, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello there how are you? It’s a gray and overcast Monday as I write to you. There wasn’t light until 8! How is it where you live?

So yesterday I went over to my Aunt and Uncles to help make jalapeño pepper jam. I had never done that before. I was in charge of measuring the sugar and other odd jobs. My two cousins and cousins daughter were there and it was good to see them. I was so in the moment I didn’t get any pictures of the jam! My uncle John was the only man in the outfit!

I didn’t get to stay too long as my bowels were acting up. They made about 4 batches of jam and they used the jalapeños after they were juiced for salsa.

I heard the sad news today that Colin Powell died from complications of Covid-19 and cancer . He was the first black Secretary of State . One of my favorite quotes is from him :

The day soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you have stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help them or concluded that you do not care. Either case is a failure of leadership.”

For fun: https://youtu.be/rZSaD4QLjxE Breathtaking AI Generated Portraits by Bas Uterwijk

“We stand in this moment a foothold in time. Where do we go from here? Do we reach to the top shelves for the hidden best or do we continue to grimace in pain as we stoop for the obvious? The stream of life flows forward so swiftly with hands still reaching back. Grasping anything to steady us as we lose our footing. What is our identity? Who are our tribes? We think we are standing still but the sand continues to give way. We are but mere little children in this vast cosmos. Time stretching forward and backwards in a snapshot of space. The all seeing eye of time a voyeur to our rise and fall.”