17 October 2021

October 17, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Leading Life by Example, Spirituality and Religion, Writing and blogging

Hello there! How are you? I’m doing ok. This morning I’m writing to you from my little loveseat. Link is keeping my feet warm! It’s chilly in the house but not enough to kick the heater on.

So in a little while I’m going over to my Aunt and Uncles to make hot and spicy pepper jam. They haven’t done this for a couple of years. My cousins and their kids will there. I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

I felt like chalking for a few minutes last night

What am I grateful for today? ALOT! I’m so grateful to have a God of my understanding that reminds me to pull out my gratitude list when I’m getting ready to start complaining. I was going to do that this morning! Sometimes it’s ok to complain but I have to be careful that complaining isn’t all I do. I have to remember that when I complain I give my personal power away to what I’m complaining about. What I focus on gains power.

16 October 2021 Doors

October 16, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello there. It’s Saturday as I write to you. It’s looking like it’s going to be a beautiful fall day. I like watching the wind play with the leaves .

There is a simple but powerful prayer my Aunt and I came up with a long time ago; “May the doors that need to open, open. May the doors that need to shut, shut. Amen.” I am finding I am having trouble shutting doors that need to be shut lately. As I’ve mentioned before I’m a softy. I don’t like to hurt other peoples feelings even if it means my own feelings get hurt.

Sometimes even shut doors aren’t completely closed

The door that is stuck partway open right now is Idaho. It’s been over a year since my cousin and his wife brought me here and I still feel like a newcomer. I just haven’t found a way to fit in yet. This is a similar problem I have faced most of my life. It’s always been hard for me to fit in. I have always felt like an outsider.

When I was in the military it was a very transitory lifestyle. As soon as you got comfortable some place it was time to move. It really messed with my head. Leaving Texas after living there 12 years was hard; but I don’t feel like I had much of a choice though. I couldn’t stay there. So here I am in Idaho a place I never expected to live!

I guess I have to reach for my gratitude list. For whatever reason I’m at this place in my life and I need to be grateful for a soft landing for a very hard fall. Looking at the rest of the world today it could be so much worse for me. There is a place for me I just haven’t found the right door yet.

15 October 2021

October 15, 2021 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, In the News, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Money, Spirituality and Religion, Writing and blogging

Hello. How are you? I’m am doing ok – just real tired. I haven’t been sleeping that well. It was only once around the block today. I’m starting to feel like an old dog!! Must be the cold getting in my bones!

Yesterday I went over to my Aunt and Uncles house for linner (lunch/dinner). They had invited some of their friends and their daughter too . It was nice to have a home cooked meal with such good company. Playing a round of Farkle (dice game) which my Aunt won. Being with them helped me forget my troubles for awhile . For just a couple hours the world seemed happy and peaceful – normal. When I am with my family I feel so loved and cared about. I wish the whole world could know what that’s like. So many lives seem to be in a state of chaos right now.

When I look at the news lately everything is for shit. It’s like there isn’t any hope. Just more of the same crap – fear mongering and scare tactics. All the stuff love can’t buy but money can. If you pay attention to this stuff you have to ask where God is in all of it. I believe God is showing us just how broken we are.

All broken aside, I want to focus on the good stuff. I woke up today. I have wonderful family and friends. I have a roof over my head. Food in my belly. My health is pretty good yet. I have a sweet dog. I have transportation. I want to believe there is enough of what I need in this world. I want to believe my higher power has my back and is looking out for me. No matter how broken this world appears to be, there are moments like I had yesterday. People still caring about each other and coming together in fellowship and love.

So what are you grateful for today? What makes you happy ? How do you stay positive ? I’d love to hear from you!

14 October 2021 Redirection

October 14, 2021 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, drawing, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How are you ? It’s Thursday already! Didn’t this week go fast? I got out and walked but only made it around once. My knees aren’t being nice to me lately. I also miss having someone to walk with!

So I was having a talk with a friend yesterday who suffers from OCD. It can be quite crippling. He gets stuck in his thoughts and exhausts himself. I suggested to him that when he had these ruminating thoughts he think or say STOP and at that moment put another thought in its place. Kind of like stopping a train on the tracks. When I do this for myself I will insert a thought like, “I don’t want to think about that right now,” “That is not helpful.” It’s kind of like making a new train route in the brain. It’s an attempt to redirect my thoughts.

Each day I have to use the advice I gave my friend . As a bipolar everything is a delicate balance in my life. Living alone I have time to ruminate a lot and a lot of times it’s not helpful stuff I’m ruminating on. When I do this it’s oftentimes very visceral. I feel what I am ruminating about and it makes me feel like gears are slipping in my brain.

With this kind of stuff going on and living alone I find myself turning to God more. I get frustrated though because sometimes it feels like God isn’t there. I know it’s not true but it’s just a feeling. I don’t know if it’s the Covid-19 or what but I have been feeling my mortality so much lately. The world feels fragile, like we are on borrowed time. How is it some people just go through life like there is nothing to worry about ?

Sometimes the gears in my brain feel like they slip

12 October 2021 Tuesday

October 12, 2021 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Food, Home, In the News, Leading Life by Example, Money, Writing and blogging

Hello . How are you today? I am doing ok. I finally decided to go get groceries and it wasn’t cheap and a bit of a scavenger hunt. I spent $103 for just me. I was relieved that they had drinking water but it looked like the toilet paper aisle had been raided. I don’t envy the people that work there trying to keep the store shelves stocked !

So I found a YouTube channel that was interesting: Living Life in North Idaho. The host, Trent has lived in Idaho for 30 years and is a realtor. This video done just a day ago mentions Middleton: https://youtu.be/SxrTGg48npY . He does a variety of videos some of which I wish I had seen before deciding to move here!

I thought about buying Halloween candy today but decided not to. This is my first Halloween in the neighborhood and I don’t know what to expect . There are a lot of kids living here but I don’t know if they go trick or treating or if they are just going to go the trunk or treat route. I miss dressing up with my ex husband and handing out candy. We had a steam punk theme and I had my plasma lamp that I would bring out and light up light bulbs wirelessly!

Do you decorate and celebrate Halloween? I’d love to hear about it!

11 October 2021 Living Your Faith

October 11, 2021 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Writing and blogging

Hello. How are you? I got a walk in it was chilly and cold. I’m not ready for cold weather again so soon. It seems like just yesterday the trees across the street were blooming!! Sadly I’m not in charge of the earths thermostat !

This morning on the walk I asked what I should write about and the topic that came forth is a hard one . It was about living your faith in your day to day life. Faith isn’t just in sacred text, holy days and churches, temples and synagogues. It’s every day. Sometimes it’s confusing. I have a lot of trouble with the conflicting guidance you get from the Old and New testament . I prefer the messages in the New Testament :

Matthew 5:43-48New International Version

Love for Enemies

⁴³“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor^[a]^(A) and hate your enemy.’^(B) ⁴⁴But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,^(C) ⁴⁵that you may be children^(D) of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.^(E) ⁴⁶If you love those who love you, what reward will you get?^(F) Are not even the tax collectors doing that? ⁴⁷And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?⁴⁸Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.^(G)

It’s easy to love those who love you back and are lovable. It’s easy to pray for your friends and family. Right now I’m having a situation where I’m being challenged to be able to care about someone but not be hurt by caring. I have to keep my distance or risk my own mental health and well being.

How do you live your faith and still stay mentally sound? Something that I’ve done and has been done to me is letting someone go with love. You wish a person a well and happy life but because of irreconcilable differences you can’t be part of each other’s lives. You don’t stop loving and caring for a person but you don’t tolerate their oftentimes negative activity in your life.

It is hard to practice your own advice sometimes especially when your a softy like I am ! It’s easy to take the path of least resistance but end up being a doormat as a result . Thankfully I have a strong support system that is trying to keep me from being that. They don’t want to see me be anybody’s emotional punching bag!

The question remains how do you live your faith in your daily life and still remain intact ? How do all the walks of faith on earth keep it together when it feels like this world is falling apart ? How do you not go crazy trying to live up to ancient doctrine in a world that seems so contrary to most of it ? It feels like we are divided tribes at war for the same sacred spaces . So many questions and so many conflicting answers .

I am still on my quest of faith. I’m one of those that hasn’t quite settled on a path. What does it mean for me to live my faith then? What is my faith? I’m sure The God of my understanding is at work in my life. I just have to remain open minded and willing to proceed. Like I learned in AA just keep doing the next right thing.

1 October 2021 Hugs & Blogging

October 1, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Health, Mental Health, Writing and blogging

Hello to you ! How are you doing today ? It’s the beginning of the month already! This year has gone by so fast hasn’t it? My knees allowed me to get a couple laps in. They have been aching. Just found out there are almost 2,000 more cases of Covid here in Idaho ! I’m surprised they aren’t mandating masks again . I have family that was vaccinated and still got sick!

This morning my mind turns to hugs! I love to give and receive them. I don’t know if there is any documented evidence, but I think there must be health benefits! When I think of the mechanics of a hug it’s like putting two powerful batteries together for a few moments. It feels good. It’s like sunshine on the heart !

“Embrace me let your light shine on my heart, may the warmth last long after we are apart.”

Writing this blog has become an everyday thing I do. It helps me connect with people I wouldn’t ordinarily meet. It makes me feel useful. It helps me feel less lonely….like I have someone to talk to. Oftentimes I don’t want to finish a blog because then there will be silence! For some reason when I blog I connect with my internal “voice.”

Writing this blog gives me purpose. It’s always my hope that someone will read it and something will resonate. I think it’s a way to connect with the God of my understanding. This blog and the drawings I do each day are the highlight of my day.

“Welcome to a corner of my mind, a place to relax for a moment and unwind. A message may be just for you, a message just for me by the time the day is through. They call this exchange we are having a blog, for me it is a daily log. A daily accounting of my life, joys, tribulations and may be some strife . Thank you dear reader for stopping by, I hope you find something here for you and you’ll say hi “

30 September 2021 Warm and Cold

September 30, 2021 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Home, Nature, Writing and blogging

Hello and good day to you ! How are you ? I’m chilly and sore the day after getting the Moderna shot. I can’t seem to get warm!

I’ve been under the covers most of the morning . My house can’t decide if it’s going to be warm or cold! At night the temperatures are starting to get into the mid 30’s. It’s almost time to turn on the heat !

Are you ready for the change of seasons?

Not much to write about today! My brain is kind of gooey !! I just wanted to say hello .

29 September 2021 Home

September 30, 2021 by saymber, posted in animals, Bipolar life, Home, Mental Health, Writing and blogging

Hello again. I’m back . One of the things that has always helped me is writing. I always remember Kyle telling me to write for myself even if no one reads it! This blog is a very therapeutic tool for me. If you have stopped by and decide to stay and read, I hope there is something here for you too .

So I have a 734 sq ft home that I share with my dog Link . It’s enough living space for us but it’s not enough of a creating space. All it takes is a couple of things and you have clutter. I had some professional organizers come in and ever since I have not wanted to touch anything! My second room is basically storage. I exist in my house but I don’t flourish in it. I downsized before I was ready and with the housing market being what it is – I’m stuck! Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to have a home I just feel lost In it right now.

“A tiny home to put her shoeboxes in, a place blessed by God to start her life over again. “

I think I just figured out why I have been having so much trouble with feeling at home for so long. After my cats Amber and May died part of me went with them. They were my heart and home . They were always there and then they weren’t . They always used to inspect the things I made and sang me to sleep with their purr. I feel disorientated even writing about this! I miss my little daughters . We lost 4 animals in a short period of time and it wrecked me. Death is my nemesis.

I know God has a plan for me I’m just not sure what it is . So many people figure out what to do with their lives. Why does it have to be so hard for me to figure it out ? I’m 53 dammit!! I don’t get much more time! Why am I still here ?! When will I be home ?

29 September 2021 Strange World

September 29, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Food, Writing and blogging

Hello to you as you visit me here today . How are you ? I went and got my second Moderna shot this morning and got groceries. So far so good with how I’m feeling!

Something I was noticing today as I shopped is it feels like our local store is having trouble keeping things in stock . I’m never sure if there will be enough bottled drinking water. With more people living here and the tap water not tasting very good I guess that makes sense.

It feels like we are living in a strange world. As a kid I used to drink water from the tap and from the garden hose on a hot day. Now it has to be filtered a bunch of times to be suitable to drink . Did you ever think we would come to this ?!!