30 October 2021 Somebody

Hi. How are you? This is my second go around trying to write to you! I tried to talk to God today on the morning walk and there was nothing. I guess I was distracted by the trees in various stages of undress or the squirrel running across the road. It wasn’t until I got home and opened my Bible was there something:

Jesus answered him, “it is also written : Do not put the Lord your God to the test.” Matthew 4:7

What does it mean to test God? Is it kind of like asking a lion to jump through a hoop of fire? Asking God to do parlor tricks ? Praying prayers from a place of demanding something versus asking? In my world right now I am asking God to help me heal from the divorce. Asking not demanding. Sometimes memories of my past with him will cascade across my entire being. There is no comfort when that happens except God. Only an intangible can fit into an intangible. No testing here just seeking comfort.

More from May last year

“In all of this something there is someone God has made just for me. Right now without a name or specific form….just somebody “

I’ve been trying online dating and like my cousin and I were talking about online stuff is so much different now. Back in the early 2000’s when I met my ex it was a lot different… safer. Now there are so many scammers. I’ve encountered a few and they want your money not you. I find myself wanting to meet my new somebody in a natural way. Is that Gods plan?

29 October 2021 Beautiful Day

Hi. I’m sitting outside enjoying the sunshine.

The neighbors tree is almost done shedding it’s leaves. Link is watching for the squirrel!

“Fall leaves scrape and scuttle in the breeze, twisting and turning landing where they please.”

A little bit of chalk today

It’s a beautiful day. I am trying to enjoy this weather while it lasts! I hope in your where and when that you get some time to enjoy your day.

28 October 2021 Breaking Through

Hello to you . How are you today? It’s a sunny start to the day. It feels so nice! I am doing ok today. I’m thinking about Halloween. I bought a couple small bags of Snickers to pass out and am thinking about wearing my steampunk hat and goggles! I am having to break through my grief. Halloween was our favorite holiday.

I did this last May

Who am now? So much of my identity was plural! It was Kyle and Jackie not just Jackie. I am having to find out who I am now. Yesterday I deleted my Tinder (dating app) account because I realized I have no business being there. Like I talked about in my previous blog. I am walking around carrying a bag full of holes!

“Gradually, carefully God unravels the mystery that is a life. Be it mother, sister, friend or wife. Previously curtained paths do a slight reveal. A joy is found that no one can steal.”

27 October 2021 Bag

Hello. It’s evening as I write to you . Have you ever felt like some unseen force was pulling you down? Keeping you stuck in place when you want to move forward? I feel that feeling nearly everyday. Well lately I have been saying this , “God I have to find a way to live this life!”

A long time ago ,during my first marriage we went to a marriage counselor. He was a priest. He gave me an analogy of what my relationship with my husband was. He said it was two people who each have a bag to bring to the relationship . One persons bag was full and the other was empty with a big hole in it. The person with the full bag kept trying to fill the bag with a hole in it and finally had nothing left to share. Both bags were empty. The relationship could not continue like that.

Sitting here writing this, twice divorced now I have a near empty bag riddled with holes. This past year really tore my bag up! It takes time and a lot of thread to make such major repairs! A part of me is so lonely. I get so bored and want the company of someone nice but I know I’m not ready yet. I’m still sewing patches on my bag. My spirit is an ember when it used to be a flame. I am wanting God to bring somebody into my life when I’m ready. When my bag is full again!

“ I’m going to break these chains that bind me. I’m going to set all my tears to sea. God is watching and waiting. God is ready and anticipating. Say my name. Let the ember be a flame. “ – Jackie

26 October 2021 Right Now

Hello to you . How are you? I hope this finds you well.

So my journey into trying to connect with the world I find myself in is kind of at a standstill right now. I bought the drum. I started the Meetup Group. I have joined a couple groups one that is going to meet online Saturday. My inpatient self is asking God,”what’s next?!” There has been no answer. I’m trying too hard. I’m trying to rush something that feels bigger than myself. The obvious answer for me right now is “WAIT!”

“Oh idle spirit how long are your days. One day rolling into another in a maddening haze. What is your purpose for still roaming this earth? What is your value? What is your worth? Unseen workings behind the veil begin to unwind. When all is revealed a new self you will find”

25 October 2021 Planting Seed

Hello there! How are you? It’s gray and wet this morning but I managed to get a mile in. The air smells so good. Most of the trees have lost their leaves and everywhere is red, orange and gold.

So this morning I asked for a topic and my mind was clear enough to hear the answer. It was planting seed. Not the kind of seed you plant in the dirt but the kind of seed you plant in another’s spirit. It’s the feeling of warmth you get right in the center of you when you have an idea. For example watching drum circle videos and how to make drums planted a seed in me to try and start a Meetup group. Every time I think of what could potentially happen I get a warm feeling in my chest. The seed planted in me by others is growing!

A long time ago I was taught by my Quantum Touch teacher “ that if it ain’t light it ain’t right!” Meaning if you are doing something and your heart is not centered in your chest like if you feel it in your throat or stomach, chances are something isn’t right! We each have a way to check in with ourselves to see if we are where we are supposed to be. Sometimes seeds are passed on to us just to be stored… to be carried to the right person.

The trees teach so much. Back in Texas there was a cottonwood tree that used to put out tons of seed every year. The seed went everywhere and got into everything! To many it was a nuisance. After I got over being annoyed I started to see something. Very little of the trees seed actually landed on fertile soil but that didn’t stop the tree from putting out so much seed. Each of us could be like that cottonwood but so many of us just give up on our dreams….the fertile soil is just so overgrown and crowded! You see this especially in the worlds of the arts. It’s so hard to break through the soil and get noticed. Like I’ve talked about in a previous blog about niches.

“Oh to do what makes us glow! That feeling of being right where God wants you to be. There really isn’t another feeling quite like actually being able to bloom where your planted. “

23 October 2021 Patience

Good morning – least that’s what it is here. How are you? I’m sitting here with a cold cup of coffee thinking about the word that came to me on the morning walk. It was patience.

“Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience. “ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Patience has never been one of my strong suites! Especially when it comes to waiting for God. I will talk to God about something and more times than not expect an answer right away and that’s just not how things work . There are so many pieces that have to move to answer a prayer! Like for instance what I have been talking about with starting a meetup group in my town. Even if I pay the money to start the group there is no guarantee people will just magically appear! It could take months or even more before even one person signs up. How much patience do I have? I’m not sure if people in my town even know Meetup exists! Will anyone here want to play a drum?

All I can do is try!

Will anyone join me ?

“Little drummer girl blowing in the wind, where does this journey end when it has yet to begin? Take your drum and play a beat trust in God new souls to meet. The lonely days will soon pass away for just how long only you can say. Be patient drummer girl your on the path to new days. You will soon be shoulder to shoulder where everybody plays .”

20 October 2021 Niche

Hello! How are you today? I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. It’s real windy here. The clouds are playing with the leaves. It’s really quite magical to watch.

“When someone tells you to “find your niche,” they mean you should find the very specific activity or position that sets you apart and in which you can find success or fulfillment. … Much less commonly, niche can be used as a verb meaning to place something in this kind of niche.”

When I asked what I should write about this word came to mind. Lately I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube videos on how to make things . What I’ve noticed is when a particular video gets a lot of views there will be a bunch of other people who come behind trying to do the exact same thing. You see this in our economy too. It’s not enough that Crayola makes chalk and writing instruments. A bunch of other companies have to make them too and usually on the cheap.

“To each there is a message and a messenger.”

My niche has always been drawing and writing. Both over saturated worlds. I have been doing these things ever since I was like 4 of 5 years old when I would write short stories for my classmates. I used to spend hours drawing portraits and writing poems. Sadly in many ways I have regressed in my niche. I’m not as good as I should be by this stage of my life. I think it’s because I have never done what I do for a living. Nothing or no one has pushed me to be better.

I think we are all looking for our niche. Where do I belong? How do I fit into this complex puzzle of existence? Some people actually find it and lead fulfilled lives and others of us keep puttering along trying to find it. I believe a lot of people never find their niche or find it but haven’t the ways and means to break through and be seen. There are some who are seen and can’t handle what breaking through entails. There is a loss of self. There is a loss of the purity of why the niche began in the first place. From my own personal experience, money can taint a niche.

I am hoping, God willing, that I always will have my mental and physical faculties to be able to write and draw. Even if I reach just one other person I’ve accomplished something. It is validation enough that my particular flavor of niche is worth something. You will laugh but some days the only person reached is my own self! “What the hell is she going on about today?!!”

19 October 2021 Immortality

Hello to you. How is your day going? I got out and did a lap around the neighborhood. I’ll probably need to go a little later to get a mile in. It’s so pretty out!

The past couple of days I’ve been watching AI interpretations of what people from old times would look like today. The reference material used is photographs, paintings, statues and even mummies. Yesterday as I watched a female mummy resurrected for a moment, I found myself asking was this what she had in mind being mummified? Did she and the people of her time know they would become immortals?

In our modern world there are so many ways for even the most poor to become immortal. In addition to all the traditional ways there are so many more now that we have AI. The problem that I see however is a lot of the new ways rely on systems that can fail. What if YouTube or Facebooks servers went down and data couldn’t be retrieved? I had an external hard drive that hit the tile one too many times. I can’t get the pictures, videos and documents unless I pay someone! What happens when you drop your cell phone and all your pictures were on it? Immortality of this age is so fragile!

As a child I wanted to be immortal. I wanted to be a famous singer, writer, dancer and artist. My stepmom said something profound about that though, she said “ Jackie you don’t have to be famous to be somebody.” Back then I was going to Catholic Church. There is a part of me that still longs for the immortality I wanted as a child. My grown up self knows those ships have sailed. The modern world of immortals is for the young even though those who are older have most of the money !

Something interesting in the world of AI and spirituality is the word SAVED. This word and concept is equally important in both worlds. It means immortality. For example there is an 8mm film I have of my family, all of them except my dad are deceased. When I watch it they live again. Through my living eyes they have life. They all believed in Jesus Christ. Without that video and other pictures of them that have been “saved” they would just be names on tombstones…..names written in bibles.

I’m at the time in my life when one starts to think of things like this. I have a trunk full of journals and drawings will they stand the test of time? Have I secured my immortality? Much of my hand written stuff is in cursive writing. In many schools they have stopped teaching cursive writing! I have no children to pass “myself” on to. Will my life just end up being a time capsule in a landfill?

What does immortality mean to you? Why do you do what you do in this life? Lately I have been questioning that a lot. It seems like our world is going through an identity crisis. Are we doing things that have meaning or just to survive? If we were able to do what we truly enjoy doing would we have so much consumerism? For some their immortality is in how many possessions they have.

“Through the veil comes a whisper,”remember me.”

18 October 2021

Hello there how are you? It’s a gray and overcast Monday as I write to you. There wasn’t light until 8! How is it where you live?

So yesterday I went over to my Aunt and Uncles to help make jalapeño pepper jam. I had never done that before. I was in charge of measuring the sugar and other odd jobs. My two cousins and cousins daughter were there and it was good to see them. I was so in the moment I didn’t get any pictures of the jam! My uncle John was the only man in the outfit!

I didn’t get to stay too long as my bowels were acting up. They made about 4 batches of jam and they used the jalapeños after they were juiced for salsa.

I heard the sad news today that Colin Powell died from complications of Covid-19 and cancer . He was the first black Secretary of State . One of my favorite quotes is from him :

The day soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you have stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help them or concluded that you do not care. Either case is a failure of leadership.”

For fun: https://youtu.be/rZSaD4QLjxE Breathtaking AI Generated Portraits by Bas Uterwijk

“We stand in this moment a foothold in time. Where do we go from here? Do we reach to the top shelves for the hidden best or do we continue to grimace in pain as we stoop for the obvious? The stream of life flows forward so swiftly with hands still reaching back. Grasping anything to steady us as we lose our footing. What is our identity? Who are our tribes? We think we are standing still but the sand continues to give way. We are but mere little children in this vast cosmos. Time stretching forward and backwards in a snapshot of space. The all seeing eye of time a voyeur to our rise and fall.”